Fitting In

I had a student come talk to me a few days ago. She often stays after school to work on various assignments, plus she likes to talk to me about the drama that her sister creates in her life because I had her sister as a student a few years ago. Her sister had many issues when I had her and the trend is still the same now that she's a junior in high school.

This time I asked her if there was anyone her age at school that she felt she could talk to about all of this. This question was in no way trying to deflect the discussions off of me on to another person but was instead based in my hope that she had a true friend with whom she could relate. My heart broke a little when she said no that nobody really understood her because everyone else was just too normal.

Oh man, could I relate. I'm sure we all could relate at one point in our lives or another.

Too normal. Those words have stuck in my head.

I can see where she would be disinterested in surrounding herself with people who didn't, maybe couldn't even, understand the path she is currently walking. It's painful to watch others enjoy what you so desperately want. It's even more painful to be misunderstood.

I've been there, done that. I did it when I was in the throws of infertility. I did it when I delivered two very early and very sick babies. I am doing it now as we forge our path toward our not as typical normal.

We all need that place to belong, the place where people "get" us.

Being able to feel like I fit in somewhere takes the sting out of all the "normal" around us in our real life. It makes our lives seem less strange, less crazy and, well, less scary. I'm so grateful to the internet for the chance to find others who are taking similar journeys as we are.

I urged my student to keep looking for that someone with whom she could connect. That person is out there right now, looking for her.

~~~

One of my deepest, darkest fears is about my boys and whether or not they will be accepted by their peers and whether they will fit in. As much as I hope that others will see just how fucking AMAZING they are, there will be people who will hurt my beautiful, sweet boys because they are a little different. There will be people who go out of their way to point out those differences and make fun of them. I would give anything to shield them from that kind of pain, and yet I know it will come as a part of their growing up. It will be a part of what makes them who they grow to be. I only hope I can do my part to counter any of those negatives.

Sigh. My heart is already aching, and it hasn't even started.

Weekend Leftovers

The latest on the TB drama: They sent my grandmother to the ER yesterday so she could try to produce a sputum sample. (I swear I am never going to think of coughing in the same way after this whole ordeal.) Of course, she could not. The nurse listened to her lungs, which sounded fine. They put in a call to the doctor in charge of her case. (I think this her case manager at the CDC, but I don't know for sure.)

Now, they are saying because there is no way to confirm or disprove that she has an active case of TB due to the lack of sputum (WTF?!!!?), she will be forced to stay in isolation and take the medication for a total of 8 weeks. That would theoretically make her no longer contagious if she actually did have an active case of TB. And if she didn't? Well, she would only be forced to take the minimum course of drugs.

I mean...come the fuck on already! The whole thing of not being able to confirm that she ever did have TB in the first place just pisses me off even more.

The medical world drives me insane sometimes.

Or a lot of the time.

~~~

School continues to kick my rear end, but we are definitely getting into a groove again. It has been hard on us all to get up early, I have to admit that. At least two of my boys share their mother's aversion to mornings. Ahem. The third boy is an early riser but slow, so he doesn't really help matters.

We all enjoyed the lazy days of summer, that's for sure!

~~~

Therapy has completely switched over to our new therapists. The change has been remarkable. Seriously. While the only one it really affected was Sh.awn (both of his therapists have been changed), him being happier when we go has made the world of difference in us all.

He asks to go to "school" every. single. day. now. Every day.

His OT is quirky but sharp and willing to learn (and apply!) all that he can about Sh.awn. He has listened to what Is.aac and I had to say and has a plan! for how we can move Sh.awn forward from this plateau he's been on over the last year. So exciting!

Sh.awn's new PT is pretty amazing, too. She has an amazing skill at redirecting him and making him think that what they are doing is his idea. ;)

~~~

Other Highs! and Lows:

• I cut the big boys' hair yesterday. They both did so much better than they had in the past. Maybe we are moving beyond the days of teary/hysterical hair cuts. High!
• We went to the park today. The boys had a blast. High!
• Therapy. HIGH!!!!!
• This is a three day weekend. So needed. High!
• Jack is still not walking without holding my finger. I am trying not to stress, but hell if I don't want to have to take him to an 18 month appointment and have her throw Early Intervention out at me again. We only have one month left... Low.
• He is well past the minimum word count for 18 months, though. He just doesn't talk a lot. When he does, he is spot on. High!
• Due to a change in the pay schedule, I ended up getting paid two checks this month. Boo Yah! (Am I the only one who gets paid once a month? Is this a teacher thing?) High!!!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers!

Feelin' Old

Want to know what makes you feel old?

Having a former 7th grade student of yours walk on to campus as a student teacher.*

Yep. That will do it.

What to know what makes you feel older?

When you tell him that he's officially an adult now and he can call you by your first name and he replies, "OK, Mrs. X."

Sigh.

Once upon a time, I was this boy.

I was the new teacher walking on to campus while my former teachers taught in the rooms next to me.

I was the one told to call my former teachers by their first names while inside I cringed at the thought.

I'm not sure how to handle this new turn of events...


*This isn't even a student from my first year of teaching. Cough, cough, sputter...Ouch.

Leftovers

So I have successfully made it through the first week back to school. Classes are still huge, but at least they are slightly smaller than last year, so that's something. (Only one class at 39 students this year instead of last year's two classes.) I do have the most notorious student in school, but he seems to like the class at this point and has been calm and participating.

All in all, things are going well there. Whew.

~~~

I did end up taking the boys to my mom's house. Is.aac got in touch with the pediatrician (while she was still on vacation even). Thankfully she confirmed what we heard from one of the public health officials. My mom is most likely not positive, and even if she was, she would not be contagious. My brother was still ifffy because of the description of his symptoms, so he will have no contact with the boys or my mom until we hear the results from his further testing.

This whole situation certainly highlights that we need to have back up plans for childcare.

I get ten days off a year. Period. I could theoretically take family leave, but the issue of the loss of income comes into play as my check pays the mortgage. And well...yeah.

There needs to be a backup plan.

~~~

The transition from summer with mommy to school year with grandma is not without its bumps.

Sh.awn has decided that he will not pee at my mom's house at all. We've recreated his bathroom setup as close as possible, but he just won't go on the potty. I'm trying really hard not to worry about all of our summer progress in this area being lost. We had the same issue with Ja.son going at grandma's house after I had trained him.

The earlier mornings have made for some grumpy boys for my mom, too. We've moved their bedtime up some, so we'll see if that takes care of it.

~~~

Jack is going through his first hunger strike. He wants food, but he only wants certain foods. And those preferences change every.single.day. It's maddening.

I also think that Jack is teething his 2 year molars. Not fun.

Oh, and I hate teeth.

~~~

We went to the park today. It was so much fun! Look at my guys...

He is getting so good at climbing up slides!

Loving the swing.

Sh.awn standing with his daddy.

Smelling a dandelion.

Mommy and Jack walking to the park.

Making a wish on a dandelion.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

I Just Don't Wanna & an Update

I go back to work tomorrow. I just don't want to. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my job once the school year gets underway, but I have to admit that each year it is taking me longer and longer to get into the school mode.

Which is the simple way of saying I am not ready. Most of that stuff I had left to do on Friday is still not done. I did go in and finish my room. That's something!

~~~

Mom and my brother still have no reaction on their TB tests. Here's hoping it stays that way until tomorrow at 1. They do have to go back in 10 weeks for a retest, but we have been told they are likely not contagious if they do ultimately come up positive.

We still have not been contacted by our public health for out testing. If they haven't gotten things squared away by the time the pediatrician comes back, then we've decided to have it done there and get it over with.

I'm definitely feeling a lot calmer about the whole thing now.

Friday Night Leftovers

My 90 year old grandmother has been having some issues with wheezing and pneumonia. She was given inhalers and antibiotics, but the cough and fatigued lingered. On Wednesday, she had a bronchoscopy to check her airways after they saw a suspicious ... something ... in her airway on a CT scan.

Apparently, whatever the "something" is, it is ugly. They did a biopsy on it, but the doctor is thinking it looks like the big C. They also found she has a staph infection in her lung, so they put her on antibiotics to clear that.

Then yesterday, she called my mom (in another state mind you), freaked that they were moving her to ICU and told her she had TB.

Sigh.

Apparently, some doctor somewhere thought that maybe she could have TB, so they needed to isolate her just in case. It's all so frustrating, because of course the TB test she had done this morning had absolutely no reaction. They still wanted to test her every day for the next 4 days...

It reminds me of that time they hazmatted my room on the maternity floor because I had diarrhea. I was in isolation for 4 days (couldn't see the babies!) while they tested me to make sure I was not in fact a diseased threat to the safety of all. In the end (ha. no pun intended) I was allergic to the IV antibiotics I'd been given mega doses of. Nice huh?

Anyway, my mom and one of her sister-in-laws are now there. It looks like they will release my grandma tomorrow should she continue to not have a reaction to the TB test. Results on the ugly thing in her airway will come next week.

I'd appreciate any good thoughts you could give for my grandma.

~~~

I go back to school in 10 days. The students arrive in 11 days. I have done absolutely nothing in preparation for this new school year.

Oh wait. I did do something. I went to a three day training this week. That was something.

I had a rough time with it, though. It was all about being sensitive to the differences of our students and providing a safe place for each and every one of our kids. It was all theory, which wasn't so bad in itself, but I was surrounded by some pretty annoyingly ignorant people who said some pretty ignorant things. (The words that came from their mouths make me really worry about the state of education in some places. Yikes.)

It didn't help that I got quite a few of the "Oh you work there..." comments.

Ugh. I didn't do much relaxing, and I certainly didn't learn much while I was there.

I did however go with some really great people from my school, so the nights were fun. :)

~~~

Jack tried a lemon today. He did not like...

80 year old man in toddler body...

Heh heh heh. He then threw that sucker as far as he could.

~~~

Today is National S'mores Day! Ja.son fulfilled his s'more eating duty.

S'mores are sticky little suckers...

~~~

Sh.awn has a new found obsession with getting dirty. It doesn't matter if he "only" has grass, he'll try to cover himself with it...

Heaven forbid if he has actual dirt...

~~~

Those of you on FB have already seen this, but I wanted to add this last little conversation for my records:

Commentary from the boys watching the Olympics (wrestling) :

J: So we want the blue guy to win?
Me: Yes, he's from the USA. We want him to win.
J: Uh oh. That red guy looks like he wants to win, too. How come they both can't win?
S: Yeah. How come?
Me: Well, that's not how it works...
J: In my games everyone would get a medal!
S: yeah!
Me: (happy sigh)

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

~~~

Holy Hell! Today is Friday! I finished my Leftovers on a Friday for once! Whoot!

Friday Night Leftovers

• I still have been able to reach the boys' case manager to ask wtf is going on with this notice. It is beyond annoying that I've called twice and left messages and have heard nothing. Ugh.
• I did write the appeal letter and resent all the paperwork via certified mail. I could have driven the paperwork to their office, but I decided that I still would not have any proof that I actually delivered it. At least with certified mail I have that documentation. As you can tell, I have a lot of confidence in this place. Sigh.
• I am still beyond pissed off about the whole thing.

• Ja.son woke up with a "broken" nose as he calls it. His nose was stuffy and his throat hurt. It looks like another round of The Sick is here.
• It is a little bit too coincidental that the boys get sick about 48 hours after going to school. Every. Single. Time. they get sick.
• When one gets sick, it is just a matter of time before they all get sick.
• It is getting old.
• I half-joked that I should make the boys wear face masks and follow them around with disinfectant while they are there. The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. Can't you just see me with a can of Lysol and Clorox wipes? lol. That wouldn't look the least bit odd, would it?

• Work has been pretty hard. We were notified this week there are going to be a lot of changes next year. The running count so far: new principal (ours sent to another school), new assistant principal (promoted to principal at another school), new librarian (forced to retire), new head custodian (fired due to shady business), and the entire kitchen staff (also fired due to shady business). I have a hunch that there are at least three or four other people on the chopping block. Most of these changes were needed and long overdue, but it is sad to see people loose their livelihoods even if it's because of their own stupidity.
• One frustrating thing is that there is a lot of cloak and dagger, secretive, 'don't tell anyone what is going on' kind of stuff occurring right now. I am privy to insider information on a lot of it (because of who I am connected to and my position there), and well the whole way things are happening leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
• While I am not opposed to change, and for the most part see it as a good thing, I already have the sense that this will somehow create more work for me. I have enough work to do as it is without adding extra crap into the mix.
• The people I work with do not do change well.

• I'm thinking about dyeing my hair dark brown. I'm chicken, not because I'm worried about my hair, but because I would also need to dye my eyebrows. That part makes me nervous. lol.

Friday Night Leftovers - The Why Do I Do This to Myself Version

• I spoke with one of the readers/decision makers for the grant I am trying to win. She said there are nice other schools which letters submitted as well. (She brought it up, I didn't ask or hint to it at all.) She ended with "You did a very nice job with your letter."
• I spent the rest of the week trying to decide if she was sincere or if she was just tyring to placate me. In the end, I figured she didn't have to say a word about actually reading the letter, so maybe she really did think it was well done.
• But I am not totally convinced.
• Now it bothers me that I can't just accept her compliment without trying to analyze away any positive intent. What kind of person does that to herself? Jeez.
• Of course, all of this may be for nothing as my district office is being a total douche canoe about the program for which I applied. Bastards.

• People. I did a very bad thing. This is clearly another time I ask what kind of person does this to herself.
• Will be 40 this year...
• It's not likely to end well without help (and I can't justify that to myself).
• Sigh.

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

One Last Thing

Tonight I was asked to write a letter to the court system asking for my student to be allowed to continue his education.

Not fun.

My gift for words failed me. I put it off for as long as I could. I am great at avoidance if nothing else, but at the very least I could do this one last thing for him.

When I finally sat down to start, I struggled with what to write so it sounded just the way I thought it should. (I mean, seriously, who knows what to write in these types of things?) What I came up with seems so pitiful in comparison to what I really wanted to say.

Sigh.

The second debriefing for staff is on Wednesday.

He'll get sent to adult prison this week as well.

This One Stopped Me

At work today, I left my room to walk the two hundred feet across the hall to go to the restroom. I made it halfway there and remembered I left my phone on the desk in my room.

It was safe. My door was locked; no one was in the class.

That didn't matter. I absolutely HAD to go back and get it. I had to have the phone with me.

It was all I could do to not run to my room.

Not because I wanted to use it while I was in there either.

I had to have it because my thoughts flashed to "lock downs" and being stuck in the bathroom for a long length of time. I needed to make sure I had a way of getting information--of getting help.

Sigh.

This is the first time I've had this kind of thought. It's bugging me, though, and I am fairly certain that now I'll always have my phone with me while I'm on campus.

Where Did My Vacation Go? & Jack Is 9 Months Old!

So.

For those of you who are teachers, you know how vacations go. For those of you who are not, let me clue you in...

vacations are often not relaxing and restful for the teacher.

Nope. Instead, vacations tend to be jam packed full of stuff you had no time to do while school is in session.

In other words, shit like going to the dentist or the doctor (we've had 6 doctor/therapy visits for the boys this break), cleaning your house (um, didn't happen), finally catching up on laundry, or other such "entertainment" becomes priority because for these brief few days,

you!

have!

all!

this!

extra!

time!

Not.

Okay, fine. I suppose there is a lot of extra time in theory. In practice, not so much. Before you know it, it is the last Friday of vacation and all you've done is run around. Somehow you were always busy and yet there is still a ton to do.

Ugh.

I had three main goals for this break. 1) Get Ja.son potty trained, 2) Finally take the paci from Sh.awn. (Don't judge. That paci has been a godsend for my guy when he was so, so sick. Besides, we all have vices.), and 3) Clean the garage so the boys will have a place to practice with their walkers.

I didn't start the #1 until yesterday. My fingers are crossed that maybe he has finally decided that he is going to do this peeinginthestupidpottyandnotinhispantsbecausehe'stoolazytostopplayingandjustGO. He had two accidents yesterday. Only one today. I have hope that tomorrow will bring zero extra loads of laundry.

I started #2 today. I felt like the meanest person in the world while I watched Sh.awn search for his paci before bed. He was so sad! He finally managed to fall asleep (without the paci!) after two hours of staring at the ceiling. We shall see what tomorrow holds for the paci saga...

As for #3, I guess I need to get to this. Now that the walkers are to be ordered, it is important that we have a place for them to easy practice walking with them. Our house is too small for them both to get around with their walkers. (A good reason to move to a new home, I say. Is.aac doesn't see the logic in that. Sigh.) I plan on taking some time tomorrow and just get in there and start purging. I have to admit, though, that the will is weak. And I am somewhat pissy about Is.aac not wanting to help. I expect him to again be eating the bon bons while I do the work. :-/ (Bitter much? Me? Never.)

---

I just wanted to mention that big boy is 9 months old today. He weighs in at 22 pounds, 4 ounces, and is just shy of 32 inches long. Holy cow.

The boy's got 8 teeth and is working on his first molar (help us!). He is a true delight! I truly am a lucky girl to have three such amazing kids. :-)

This and That

I am in love with this picture of Jack. OMG does it make me laugh! I had to print it and take it to work so I can keep giggling at it.

---

I have succumbed to the Sick. If I could only detach my head nose from my body for the next 24 hours, I would be so happy. I considered wishing I could just turn my nose so my nostrils face up, but I figure I'd just drown in my own snot, and well, that's just plain gross. Plus "drowning in own snot" would be super embarrassing on my death certificate.

---

Sh.awn has found his will. Unfortunately for me, he is just as stubborn as I am, only he has a much louder and sharper voice. It is an effective weapon, that voice, I tell you that. He is armed and he isn't afraid to use it.

He is the sweetest little love bug as long as everything goes his way most of the time.

But holy hell does he turn into a demon the second he perceives that things are not going his way and out comes the scream (the scream that takes aim straight for the center of my brain and stabs me repeatedly).

Ugh. I am at my wit's end with him.

I am trying to be consistent (taking him to another room and walk away) and not let him see how much it drives me crazy (oh.my.gawd. does it drive me crazy to hear that scream!), but it doesn't stop.

This boy seriously needs an "off" switch.

---

The best news of the week is that they settled the case! There will be no retrial. It saddens me to think that he'll be my age when he is finally released from prison, though. While I do feel that the sentence is fair, and I do believe that he should be punished for what he did, I worry that he won't get the help he needs to deal with whatever is going on in that head of his. I worry about what kind of life he will have when he is released.

There was so much promise there...for both of them.

Promise that vanished with a horrible act.

Sigh. I hope that the healing will continue now that the threat of testifying has been removed from the equation.

(Not trying to be cryptic, but as usual I don't want the details linked to here. If you are curious, email me and I'll send you a link to a news article.)

Yesterday

The meeting at work was pretty intense. I think we collectively cried through the entire two hours. 40 people were there, each with his/her own version to the story, and each story validated the feelings I've had since it happened. I feel fortunate that we finally talked as a group.

Just as the meeting was ending, my mom called. Sh.awn was violently throwing up. No one around us is sick. He was acting normal until it started out of the blue. She was worried.

I hurried to go see for myself. His eyes were doing their weird thing. He was super lethargic. Could not/would not open his eyes.

There was more throwing up...I was in a panic. He had all the signs he shows for shunt failure.

Is.aac was at the opthamologist with Ja.son. The car I had (Is.aac's) has no car seats. Is.aac had chosen this day to forget his phone at home. Ugh. I ended up calling the office and asking to speak to him.

Told him to hurry home, that this was bad.

He continued to throw up. He was thirsty but whatever he sipped came immediately up also. Is.aac finally got there and agreed that we needed to take him to the ER. We debated briefly about which one to take him to--the local ER which would mean an ambulance ride if it was his head, or just pass go and take him straight to Children's. We opted for Children's.

Tell admissions that you think your kid is having a shunt malfunction makes things happen very fast. Within 10 minutes, they had assessed us, put us in a room, we'd talked to a doctor, and were given Zofran for the nausea. By 20 minutes, the neurosurgeon had returned and been in to see us. By 30 minutes, we had taken a CT scan.

I knew from watching the scan images (Is.aac was with him while he was scanned) that there was no much difference from the last scan he'd had. Yes. I know what my kid's brain looks like. I could draw you a picture, that's how well I know it. I won't, though.

That made me feel better. Then Sh.awn started to perk up and regain some sense of life. More relief.

We waited for about an hour before the resident neurosurgeon came back to see us. He confirmed what I thought; the scan did look very similar to the last scan he'd had. He said there might be a tiny area that was different, but it only showed on one section. Sh.awn looked markedly better than he did when we came. If it was a failure, he wouldn't recover, he'd just progressively get worse. There was talk of wanting to tap his shunt, which we wanted only as a last resort, and that they'd likely discharge us.

Cool. I gave Sh.awn to fruit snacks. He kept them down and wanted more.

The resident went to call the attending, who happened to be none other than the asshole.

Asshole wanted to admit Sh.awn for observation.

Ugh. We said no. The asshole was just being an asshole. The resident went to call asshole back and tell him what we said. Asshole tried to make us feel his godliness by saying that his shunt could completely fail two hours from now.

I countered with yes, the shunt could also fail two hours after you released us tomorrow.

He came back with nonsense about his recommendations had only not been followed twice in the last five years.

Interesting. We've checked out AMA twice now. Sigh. We are quite the rebels. :-/

Today Sh.awn is acting more normal. No throwing up. Eating fine. Not irritable. Normal.

I have no idea what happened yesterday. He scared me enough to take him to the hospital. That just doesn't happen. Then he just perks up like nothing happened. Freak me the fuck out why don't you boy.

I am beat mentally.

I am beat physically.

My PTSD is working on overdrive. I already associate the boys' NICU stuff with the shooting, and now it happened again.

Ugh. Thank goodness for a long weekend.

Forgive me for not editing. Jack is ticked and needs me to pay attention to him.

Just Want to Get It Over With Already

Tomorrow is the "debriefing".

Part of me is looking forward to the chance to talk and listen--to connect with others who really get it. I'd be lying, though, if I didn't say that there is a HUGE part of me that would just love to run away and hide under a blanket.

Picking the scab off on purpose just doesn't feel like a good move right now, especially when I am not sure how long I'll/we'll be raw afterward. That tactic is totally against my avoidance of all things that will likely be emotionally difficult campaign.

Sigh.

I'm ready to put this shit behind me.

Last word was the retrial starts on the 21st. Oh, joy.

No Fun

You know what is absolutely no fun at all?

Talking to an 8th grader about how to get her 8 month old baby girl to sleep through the night.

Listening to her cry while she tells me the baby wakes up 6 times a night and although her mom said she'd help, she has now decided that my student "made her own bed and now needs to sleep in it."

Nope. No fun at all.

For the record, she was in 6th grade when she got pregnant. Sigh.

More Tales From the Hood

Today, at this afternoon's outdoor assembly, I looked over at one of my students to see him licking, yes LICKING, the. bottom. of. his. shoe.

I'm not talking about a quick little dab.

I am talking about dragging his tongue repeatedly over the bottom of his shoe. REPEATEDLY.

WTF, people. This kid is in 8th grade!

You would not believe the internal tug of war I had in those few seconds after I saw the first lick.

Do I stop him?

Or instead, do I let natural selection work its course?

Oh, the decisions one must make as a public school teacher.*

As I stood there debating whether I wanted to stop him from ingesting some horrible germ, a girl next to him spotted what he was doing, too. She freaked and made him stop.

Sigh.

This school year has been tough. There is the whole drama of the sh.oo.ting/trial and the aftermath to deal with, but there is something more to it.

My kids this year are just...odd.

There I said it.

My students are nut jobs. (not all of them, of course, but enough to make me seriously wonder what the hell is in our city's water)

No wonder I am so tired.


*I was leaning toward making him stop, but the budding scientist in me was curious. I just have to admit that. Ahem.

Of Course

And they're going to retry the case. Great. I expected it, but damn if it would have been nice to be wrong. Sigh.

I'd rather focus on happier things right now...like this.

Work

There's a lot going on in my head as usual. I tend to go quiet when that happens. I suppose that partly explains why I've had difficulty writing in this space. I need this space, though. I need to allow myself to get it out without having all of the answers! Easier said than done. :-/

So.

We think the show (on that program with two numbers that add to forty) will air this week. (It's been postponed twice now.) It would make sense, as on Wednesday they will declare whether there will be a retrial. The defense team seems to think there will be another trial. The DA has said as much, but nothing has yet been done formally.

Obviously I am hoping there will be some sort of plea deal.

I suspect that there won't be.

That possibility brings out a whole host of emotions, none of which are good. I feel for everyone...

Sigh.

Apparently, from what we can find, most staffs tend to break apart after a sh.o.ot.ing at a school. We are unique in that we have had only three teachers leave to other schools (none voluntarily - staff reduction at our school) and four teachers leave because of retirement or disability. Everyone else has wanted to stay. Even a student teacher at the time has found her way back to the school.

We do care about each other and our kids.

But we do have issues. Trauma tends to do that to people.

I have mentioned it before, but we have NEVER talked about what happened as a group. Here we are, the people that lived it, and yet we've never been able to give each other the support (and healing) that telling our stories would bring. Do you know what stifling discussion on something big like this does to a group that is mostly women? I'm sure you can imagine. There have been small group discussions, but even those are few and far between.

We were told not to talk.

We were told there would be lawsuits and that our talking about it would open us up to litigation.

Like the good little students we are, we listened. We were all afraid, I suppose. We didn't know what else to do. We were in shock.

Sadly, listening to that nonsense has hurt every one of us. Our morale is low. People are afraid to tell others where they work to avoid the inevitable questions about what happened. (Even I will not wear my school logo out around town.) Our stress level is high. People are getting sick easily and staying sick for what seems like forever. (We have a freakishly high number of teachers on thyroid medication--like over half of the teachers!)

You can only pretend that something isn't (or hasn't) happening for so long...eventually it will catch up to you.

The trial this summer has again brought everything to the forefront. Many of us ended up testifying. Summer was almost nonexistant with that hanging over our heads.

We are already tired, and we are 6 weeks into the school year. That isn't a good sign.

So we created a team, of which I am a member, to problem solve ways to help our staff and school move on. It is hard to move on, though, when you haven't been given the chance to heal.

Our psychologist has offered to bring in a cr.i.s.e.s te.am (sorry I feel like I have to do that) who will finally help to give us the chance to d.e.b.rie.f. This is the same type of team that would d.e.b.rie.f law enforcement or firefighters after they've responded to or experienced tr.ag.edy.

This last week, the psychologist presented our idea to the staff. There were tears when he spoke. We handed out a survey that I created to the staff asking if they would want this type of thing. The overwhelming response was yes.

Within the next few weeks, we will get what we've been missing--that chance to talk.

I imagine it is going to be brutal emotionally. I hope that it will also be good for us all.

We want need to finally get this out.

Leaving Jack

A few posts back, someone asked how I felt about leaving Jack and going to work. The short answer is that it has been really hard. It kills me to think that I'm missing out on the things he's doing at this time when every day brings something new for him. I worry that this may be my last chance to enjoy a baby--my baby.

When the big boys were babies, I was ready to go back to work. My maternity leave ended before they were even home from the hospital, so I took the 12 week extended (non-payed) leave to be with them when they came home. When that time was up, well, I couldn't wait to get back to work.

Sad, right?

It's just that everything about that time, and I do mean everything was so hard. My stress level was through the roof. I was depressed. I was grieving. I was in shock. I had PTSD.

There were doctor appointments and surgeries and therapies. The non-stop worry, not to mention the uncertainty, made me on edge all.the.time.

Work was a relief. It was an escape. I could almost call it a holiday. Even the trauma of being at a place that was shell shocked from a shooting was FAR less stressful than being at home.

I feel a bit guilty about admitting that, but it is what it is. Sigh.

I feel really guilty about wanting to stay home with Jack (and the big boys now too--they are at such a fun age!) when I couldn't get away from the big boys fast enough.

But oh how I wish I could stay home now.

I am seriously at awe at how easy it is to have this baby who rarely cries, eats fine, sleeps great, and doesn't have a trail of doctors following around after him. At any given time, he is meeting the expected milestones for his age and is even advanced in some areas.

Shockingly, I can just relax and enjoy.

Ah, it is so nice to relax and enjoy. That alone is so foreign to me that I have to fight finding things to worry about when it comes to him. (Confession time here: I had to buy an Angelcare Monitor because I just knew he'd stop breathing. When he first came home, I could NOT sleep unless he was right next to me. I'd wake every few minutes to make sure he was alive. There wasn't anything else to worry about, and that is the worst that I could think would happen. I became freaked about it. I still have a panic attack if I see he's been asleep and the monitor isn't on for some reason. Old habits die hard. Either that or I've truly lost my grip.)

My longing to stay home has darkened the beginning weeks of school. I'm having trouble getting back into teaching because my heart is someplace else.

I imagine (hope) that as time passes, it will get easier--the groove will return--maybe the desire will subside some.

Or maybe we'll hit a jackpot and I could be one of those lucky urban myths. You know the ones. They get pregnant with just plain ole sex. Now that would be amazing.

Not Over

Mist.rial.

Hu.ng ju.ry.

I don't know what that is going to mean...if we'll go through it all again or whether there will be a pl.ea ba.rgain offered.

Sigh.

It's all over the news, with one station's reporter standing in front of the sch.ool.

Looks like tomorrow's going to be fun. Great.


I suspected it would end this way. I hoped it wouldn't, but I am not surprised.