Recovering

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words! I appreciate each and every one. You guys rock.

I am feeling a lot better today. I've had about 7 calls from various doctors/the one day clinic checking on me. I must have really freaked them out yesterday. My hives are almost completely gone. I still have a few remnants on my neck, but that is it. My doctor and I decided that I didn't need the steroid course because of how few I have now. I am glad about that.

I did learn a little more about what was actually done. My RE said today that my uterus was fused to my abdomen wall slightly above my belly button. No wonder I was having so much pain! He was able to remove the scar tissue and adhesions and now my uterus is back where it should be. He said it took him nearly an hour and a half to clean up just my uterus. The hysteroscopy showed that my uterus was "beautiful" on the inside, so that is great news.

Makes me wonder what kind of hell I'd be in if I actually did get pregnant before this!

I go in for my post op appointment with him next week. He said he'd draw me pictures to show me the odd placement of my right tube at that time. He again said he was very surprised about where and how it was fused to my intestines. He had never seen anything like it apparently. There I go again, being a medical marvel. Sigh.

I am sore around my belly button and on my right side, which makes sense because that was where most of the work was done. I can now get out of bed and get to the bathroom without too much pain, but I am still doubled over when I walk. I am sporting the new hunchbacked look. Jealous? I am contemplating taking another day off of work tomorrow to recover a little more. I haven't fully decided that yet. We shall see.

Another thought: The person who invented pain medication should be sainted, that's for damn sure.

Thanks again for the comments. I am slowly going through them and writing back to you to thank you in "person". It may take me a while but I'll get there. :-)

Yuck

A small idea of what my hives looked like.

Now picture them all over my trunk (both front and back), neck, arms, legs, palms, and soles of my feet.

Yuck. They are going away a bit at a time.

I almost forgot to mention that they took pictures of my hives before they'd let me leave. Imagine me in my bra and undies, doubled over in pain, and the stupid nurse sticking my name/identification sticker to various parts of my body and snapping shots! he even stuck the ID sticker to my belly button bandage at one point - um, ouch! I swear I can't make this shit up. No one would believe it!

Now, I need to get rid of this freaking pain. Ouch!

Done

Hoping this makes sense!

You know how nothing that I do is every "the easy way," right? Well today was no different. It has been a long 24 hours. I'm trying to convince myself that it can only get better. Because dude. Today sucked.

It started last night. I had to vaginally insert two pills of misoprostal to help soften my cervix for the hysteroscopy today. I was mildly concerned, because I had used this medication before, and I had had terrible cramping. The RE assured me that this time would be different. I was only using half the dosage from before and there was nothing in my uterus that my body would try to dispel. Okay, I thought. And for the most part, he was right. I didn't have uterine cramping. Instead I had cramping from the onslaught of diarrhea and was up every hour on the hour all night long shitting my brains out. I suppose the silver lining to that would be that I had to have been nice and cleaned out for the actual procedure. But, man. It was BAD.

We headed for the hospital right on time, which was really good for me. (I have to tell you though. It was very odd to be up and moving around town when it is pitch dark outside.) Once we got there, we waited for 40 minutes before they actually took me back to the pre-op area.

Where I had to pee in a cup so they could give me a pregnancy test. Blah. Rub salt in the wound, people.

Anyway, I was finally taken back to the operating room and all went black. (got to love drugs)

That is when things got even more interesting...

They found lots of scar tissue from the c-section. My uterus was higher than it should have been and fused with scar tissue in place. He cut through all of that and my uterus "dropped" back into its proper place. Apparently there were lots of adhesions, which he removed. He did take my left tube and contemplated taking my right tube. Righty was fused to my intestines and was pointed up instead of down. He was was pretty surprised about that because my hsg (the dye test to see if tubes are open) didn't really reflect what he saw when he got in there. In the end he left the right tube and said there is a small chance that it could be workable.

He did say IVF was his recommendation. So much for actual sex to make a baby.

While in the operating room, I developed three hives. One on my neck and two on my arms. They gave me benadryl and put me under the warming blanket. That was probably the worst thing they could have done. By the time I had made it into recovery, I was completely covered in hives. They thought that it was a reaction to an antibiotic I was given. They were quite freaked about how I looked and kept checking my throat and breathing which stayed fine. But, they wouldn't give me pain meds because they were afraid of the reaction I was having.

For an hour and a half I had no pain meds. I was dying.

They finally gave me some and released me after a couple of doses of steroids which strict instructions to call 911 if my breathing was affected in any way. It was sometime around 3, I think.

We had fun with my pain medication at home, too. I took in the script last night and told them we'd pick it up this afternoon. The pharmacy's computers crashed, so they couldn't finish orders. Is.aac picked up the paper script and told them he was taking it to another pharmacy. Unfortunately, my insurance company denied the request because it thought I had already filled the prescription at pharmacy #1. They weren't going to give me pain meds until April 1st! Oh hell, no! Finally, I got home pain meds about a half an hour ago.

It has been a rough day, but I am feeling better now. I am super sore in my abdomen area and my throat hurts like hell (but I can breathe). The hives are starting to go down more and I'll start a short steroid cycle tomorrow to make sure they are gone for good.

Thank God for my mom. She's keeping the boys another night.

Off to play some bejewled blitz and veg. Be back tomorrow.

These Things Are Also Good...

• I chose to spend today in a happier place. Call it denial what you want, but it definitely worked for me. While I had moments of sadness, I did not let them rule. Go me.
• My husband let me "sleep in" this morning. I coughed, so the sleeping in part quickly went out the window. Instead everyone just hopped on the bed with me, and we watched On Demand together for a bit after breakfast.
• Ja.son rolls with laughter at the things he sees on television now. It makes me smile every single time. (I have been known to rewind something over and over again just to hear that laugh.)
• The weather was beautiful--sunny yet just cool enough to enjoy the sun.
• I spent a few hours training with my sister friends this morning. We talked and walked ten miles in two and a half hours today. I'm confident that we'll be able to finish the half marathon in the three and a half hours allotted for walkers. I feel pretty good right now, too. (I was concerned because I can't really take aspirin because of the lap on Tuesday!) I hope I still feel this good tomorrow.
• Is.aac and I took the boys to go get their pictures taken with the Easter Bunny. Sh.awn lost his shit while on the bunny's lap, and Ja.son looked like he couldn't quite figure out what the heck was going on, but we had loads of fun talking to the bunny before and after the lap sitting. (We may try again for some better shots later in the week. Or, we might not. Who knows.)
• I bought myself a pretty new purse...a la Coach. :-) It is a belated Christmas present from my husband. Ahem. Anywho, a little retail therapy never hurts when there is a possibility for sadness.
• My mom was able to do a little retail therapy of her own, so I didn't feel the pull to keep her from being alone and sad. (This one is hard to explain...it isn't like I felt I had to go be with her, but I just didn't want her to be by herself if she didn't have to be.) She had a good time while she was out.
• The boys had their first experience with lemonade this afternoon. Ja.son chugged about a third of the drink before he even acknowledged it was sour. He crinkled his nose and said, "Hmmmm..." and then dove right back in to drinking. Sh.awn wanted it in his mouth, but would let it just dribble out and wouldn't swallow. Too funny.
• I was able to talk about my dad today and laugh at some of his crazy quirks.
• And now, I am lying in bed. My sweet boys are sleeping in their room. My husband is next to me watching poker on television. And all is good.
  

Among the Sadness, This Thing Is Good.

Not his best performance, but it makes me smile every time...

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Oh, and please excuse the...um, voice singing. (If you can call it that! I use the term loosely.)

Pre-Op

I went in for my pre-op consultation today. It's a good thing I shaved my legs, because I got scanned, too. (As an aside, I hate, hate, hate being covered in goop after the scans. And it always seems like he initially aims high and hits my pubic bone, which is hell of a lot better than aiming LOW!, but I get that gunk everywhere. Ugh.) Then he explained further about what he'd be doing and was surprised when I didn't have many questions. (Thank you Dr. Google!)

The plan is to free my tubes from my intestines, put everything back in its optimal place, clean up any endo he finds, and check the old ute. There is concern about my left tube and the possible hydrosalpinx, but he'll only remove my tube if it looks like it is damaged beyond repair. Interestingly, he also said he'd take a lot of color pictures for me. Yeah? So, you all may get to be super familiar with my innards by this time next week. ;-)

So, all is still a go for Tuesday, barring some freak cold/viral infection or other act of God. Not that I will experience either, right? RIGHT? Ahem.

After the appointment with the RE, I went to pre-register at the hospital. That went fine until she recognized where I work and started in with the "Isn't that the place..." questions. I was very uncomfortable and tried to tell her that, but she just kept on and on. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

My mind is on overdrive. I am freaking out that he's going to get in there and find something sinister...something that will bring my world crashing down. There is really nothing to indicate that he should find something, but my poor heart is fearing the worst.

Due

There were a few sad moments, but I made it through the day.

Can't ask for more than that.

(Well, I can...but it won't do me any good.)

Sigh.

Thank you, everyone. For everything.

If Only

This is the week that I've been dreading. All of the pain explodes this week to create a massive chasm of sadness.

The 25th is my due date. Ugh. I have tried to pretend that all is okay, but it is still so raw. If only things were different. If only I was an uncomfortable pregnant mess right now...

The anniversary of my dad's death is on the 28th. It has been 7 days shy of two years. Two years. It seems like forever yet just yesterday. It isn't really any easier, and I know I am still deeply rooted in denial. If only he hadn't gone to get my grandmother so she could come meet the babies. If only he was just away on one of his work related trips...

The if only's are killing me.

I am clinging to the 30th. There is hope there, even among all the heartache. Even though she has done nothing except cause me more pain. Even though I hate her so. She is small and fragile, but she has come.

I need something good to be in this month. I want them to find something during the lap or hysteroscopy that was causing all of this IF heartache. I want them to be able to easily fix it. I want to be pregnant and add to my family.

Now, I'm not stupid. I know that there is a good chance that this won't change anything. I'll probably have to go right back into a cycle if I have any desire to conceive. But oh it would be sweet if it did.

---

The struggle to record my thoughts in some sort of coherent way continues. I want need to write, but I can't find the words. As is my habit in real life, when things are challenging, I pull in and get quiet. I rarely talk about my feelings to others. (even with Is.aac is VERY hard) I focus all of my energy on making it through the crisis, and neglect the part of me that needs to get it out. I just end up feeling like I am all alone.

I am trying. Holy hell it is hard.

Thank you for reading. For pulling for me...for us. For writing such nice, encouraging words. For being here.

Taxes and Curses

We finally got our tax return. Yeah! Except, I am starting to think that the damn money is cursed. It seems like every single year, something big happens that sucks up all of our return. It seems as if this year will be no different.

When we got our refund in 2006 - our tax return check showed up in our mailbox the exact day I discovered a major leak in the bathroom. New plumbing, wall, sink and cabinet later, and the check was gone.

In 2007 - We used it to help fund IVFs # 2 and 3.

In 2008 - I payed for my dad's funeral

And for 2009's - On top of the whole IVF stuff that will be coming this year, I woke up today with a tooth annoyance. It doesn't exactly hurt, but I know it is there, which is never a good thing when you talk about teeth. It looks like a dental visit is in my immediate future. I suspect that that molar which would 'eventually need a crown' has finally decided it was time to wear a hat. Oh, joy.

Now, I sure hope that this doesn't mess with the laparoscopy* schedule. If this somehow disrupts the plan and I have to postpone the surgery, I think I would literally lose. my. mind.

Seriously.

The plan is what is keeping me going. I freaking need THE PLAN.

---

*As an aside, when I do spell check, it always suggest that "laparoscopy" should be "periscope." Really, blogger? That is as close as you could come with all of the ALI bloggers out there? Jeez.

I Envy Him

Is.aac and I watched the Jim Carrey movie "Me, Myself, and Irene" a little while ago. He was rolling on the floor with laughter. Me? Not so much. Granted, he was tired, and he gets incredibly loopy when he's tired. (And I do have to admit that his sense of humor is questionable, especially in light of the fact that he thought chasing me around the house while naked saying he was a "naked ghost" was hilarious also.) But still.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just enjoy the stupid shit like this movie without feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders?

I swear.

I envy him and his ability to just...be...to just enjoy. He doesn't seem to worry. He doesn't think about all the stuff that has to be done but hell it isn't going to becauseIdon'tfeellikedoinganythingbut OMGdoingnothingonlymakesmefeelworse. March isn't this big, heavy emotional mind fuck for him.

He doesn't seem to lose sleep over the future or the past or any of it.

It bothers me that I do.

I wish I could be like him.

Glowing

Comment by a colleague today:

Her - "You're looking luscious (her word) lately. Are you pregnant?"

Me - "Um, no. Why do I look bigger?"

Her - "Oh no. You are just...glowing lately."

Me - "It's probably all this caffeine I am on to get me through the time change."

Okay...

I sure don't feel like I am luscious (seriously. who calls someone else luscious?) or glowing. Actually, I feel quite the opposite.

I think she meant it as a compliment. Good grief, I hope she meant it as a compliment. I mean, she either meant it as a compliment, or she just told me I am looking fat.

Sigh. Even when I try to get away from thinking about IF and the way I wish things would be, I get reminded.

---

14 days until the lap.

30ish days until O with squeaky clean lady bits.

The ABCs of Me

Still hanging in there. Seems like the daily grind of living has stifled my ability to write anything coherent. So here is a meme to help ease me back into the grove of things...

Thanks to Jem for this idea.

A - Age: 37 years (or 38 years minus 36 days, 2 hours, and 8 minutes)

B - Bed size: California King

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning my husband's bathroom (gag)

D - Dog/Pet's name: No dogs, but I do have two cats--Gracie and Annie

E - Essential start to your day item(s): Instant breakfast, the seat warmer in my car to warm my buns on the way to work, and good morning kisses from the males in my life)

F - Favorite color: green

G - Gold or Silver: silver

H - Height: 5' 9"

I - Instruments you play(ed): violin (hated it--wanted to play the flute instead)

J - Job title: junior high teacher

K - Kisses or hugs: Hugs

L - Living arrangements: own a home in So Cal

M - Mood: satisfied--I just ate a yummy dinner

N - Nicknames: Stac, Mo

O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: None

P - Pet Peeves: whiners (ha and that seems to be all I am doing lately)

Q - Quote from a movie: "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" from the Princess Bride. We watched it today and we've been quoting it all night.

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: two older brothers

T - Time you wake up: as.late.as.possible. I have it timed. I can get my butt out of bed at 7:08 am and still get to work by 7:45. I am a finely tuned machine in the morning, man.

U- Underwear: bikini briefs--the half breed between briefs and bikinis

V - Vegetable you dislike: brussel sprouts

W - Ways you run late: my husband makes me late all the time.

X - X-rays you've had: mouth, upper GI area

Y - Yummy food you make: um...not a whole lot. I make a mean cinnamon roll.

Z - Zoo favorite: I am a sucker for the giraffes

---

If you play along, please let me know. I'd love to see your answers, too.

Funkfest 2010

I'm in a Funk with a capital F. Blah.

Contentedly sitting in a holding pattern has never really been a strong trait of mine, and it feels like I have been forced into that state in every area of my life. Thoughts about... everything are bogging me down, making me feel overwhelmed and sad. Fortunately, I was smart enough to realize a long time ago that the only surefire way to bring myself out of this kind of mood is to DO something. Oh, but how hard that is when you don't really feel like doing anything but wallow in self loathing and pity! Knowing you should be doing something doesn't make the actual doing part any easier, that's for sure.

I am trying to pick myself up and move on, so I've developed a plan. The strategy is simple--I am writing a list. I need the power of seeing the tangible representation of these worries. In black and white, they are not as scary, not as insurmountable. I can focus on one thing at a time; I can manage one day at a time. Most importantly, I will be DOING something and not just whining about how tough my life is.

Hopefully, before I know it, I will have passed all the hurts and worries of the month. Then voila. April.

That's it. Easy peasy.

So far I've managed to survive a m/c anniversary and the big scary neurologist appointment. (I'm not really going to get into to it here, but let's just say I am back to teaching the boys how to flip the bird. This particular doctor needs to see a little sign language. Ahem.) Man, it felt so good to cross them off the list and put them behind me for the time being.

I also got a bit of good news just a bit ago. I have a surgery date--March 30. The best news is that the insurance will cover it a 100%. All I have to pay is my $125.00 copay! I am beyond relieved. I am also excited because I should be recovered by the time I get out of school for spring break! Wooohooo!

It might be challenging, but maybe, if I am lucky, I can and will survive this month. What a thought!

Sock It To Me - Winter 2010

I'm so excited to say that it is Kym's Sock It To Me time again! (Yeah, yeah. I know this is a bit late, but that just means that I get to make the fun last a little longer this way. :-) See? It's all good!)

This year, I am super lucky to get my socks from a new to me blogger, Cheryl, from Cheryllookingforward! Cheryl is a fellow MTHFR sufferer (as was my last SITM buddy, Renee--small world!) and after a difficult journey is now thirty plus weeks pregnant. I am so excited for her as she embarks on this wild world of parenthood.

Isn't this a sweet package? How could she know that I totally love black and white?

Inside were some warm slipper socks! They are perfect. Cheryl was a bit worried that I wouldn't need warm socks here in good old CA, but I have to say that it has been great to have some cozy socks to keep my feet warm during all the rain we've had.



Part of the SITM assignment is to reflect on ways that this community has supported me throughout the year. These socks from Cheryl are the perfect symbol of all you've done for me.


Like the socks, you've...

• comforted me through yet another tough year--a year punctuated by another miscarriage, two failed FETs, and challenging medical issues.
• supported me and allowed me to share my fears and worries without judgement.
• been warm and fuzzy while celebrating the joys that are my boys and family.
• helped me get a grip when I started to lose myself in doubt and pain.

I couldn't have imagined that this world of blogging would enrich my life so much when I started nearly three years ago. For all of that, and so much more, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You really do mean the world to me.

And thanks once again for the socks, Cheryl!

Late

My period is 8 days late. There is no hint that anything is to come except the cramping I have been getting off and on for the last two and a half weeks. Oh, and let's not forget the pimples that I've had for two weeks as well.

I had tried not to allow hope into my heart, but damn if she didn't show up and demand that I take a pregnancy test.

And damn if the pee stick wasn't pure white yesterday. Yeah. Fun.

Hope was squashed and sent scurrying for the time being.

Now I am trying not to be worried about why my period is late.

---

It looks as though the the lap and hysteroscopy have been approved. On my authorization form, it does not refer to "fertility", so my hope is that it will be fully covered. We shall see when I talk to the RE's surgical coordinator on Monday. Since this is the next step, I need to just get it over with before I go crazy.

I need to do something. I am not handling the waiting and uncertainty well.

I had so wanted to be pregnant again before this latest due date came around. 2+ years of no birth control and hoping. 9 months of active trying with the RE...

and nothing.

Sigh.

A few of my blogging buddies are back into to IVF. It's creating an urgency in me to see them in the middle of treatments. I want to be in the middle of things with them. They're going to get pregnant.

And I won't be.

I'll be happy for them...excited for them...jealous of them.

I almost can't stomach the thought of being left behind.

Again.