Show and Tell - My Opinion Counts Part 2

Guess what showed up at my door today? I am so excited!

The Niel.sen Home.scan equipment is finally here!

I have yet to read all of the information included in the package (because I never really read pamphlets on products anyway--I am more of a trial and error kind of girl), but from the literature I've seen on their site and through their emails, it should be a fairly simple setup. One of the emails they sent also said that they will contact me to answer any questions I may have and to assist in the setup process. That is assuming that I have lost my brain power and can't follow the directions provided to install the program. How hard is it to stick a CD into the drive and click next? Ahem.

Anyway, the scanner couldn't have come at a better time. We always do weekend Tar.get runs, and we plan on going clothes shopping for the boys this weekend. That means we'll get the chance to figure out how it works right away.

We are officially product panelists! Whoot!

Now it's your turn. What are you bringing to Show and Tell? Don't forget to go check out what the rest of the class is showing, too!

The Sweetest Sound...

...is when your baby grabs your hands and says, "Walk!" and then you do--four different times!

Oh, and in case you are wondering, I'm talking about SH.AWN!!!!!!!!

Whoot!

It isn't perfect, but damn it, he is motivated and working on it! :-)

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Had u/s and blood work yesterday. All is a go. Transfer is on November 6! Fingers crossed that this leads to a sticky and healthy pregnancy!

Look Who's 2!

I have a lot to celebrate! :-)

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Mr. Sh.awn

You may have seen this over on the other blog, but it is too cute to not post here, too. I took this last month on Is.aac's birthday.

Sh.awn - Our Mr. Sensitive

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Man, I love him.

The boys turn two tomorrow. (OMG how can that be?) I am playing hooky from school cause we are going to the zoo. I. Can't. Wait. :-)

Thursday

Each visit to the hospital leaves a mark on me, even when it's just merely for a follow-up appointment, and even when we leave with good news. For me it is impossible to walk along the hallways and not be touched by what I see--IV clad children being pulled in wagons down the hall toward M.c.Don.alds by overly cheerful parents, kids with shiny heads clinging to the chest of dad, and severely disabled children pushed in wheelchairs. I see them and my heart skips a beat. Everywhere I turn there are noises and sights that bring tears to my eyes.

I understand these families. I feel for them in a way that breaks my heart. I know exactly what it is like to have a child who is sick. I may not know what ailment their particular child may have, but I know that uncertainty. I know that fear. I know the despair of seeing my child so fragile and vulnerable. I know what it is like to know that your child could die and to wonder if he will make it to tomorrow.

We were one of those families. I hate that we were, but we were. Fortunately, we are all healthy now. Still, the threat is there. It is only a matter of time until we are one of those families again. I hate that even more.

---

A couple walked by us while we sat waiting for our scans. They were alone without a child, not a good sign at a children's hospital. They had the look. That look that says things are bad. Very bad. They were holding hands, although they were each in their own world. Together but not. I wish I was a better person and was able to do something, anything to help them. But I wasn't. I had to look away. Their torment scared me. I pray that their child is okay. I fear that he or she is not.

---

I was nervous (as my stomach continues to remind me today) about the prospect of running into the asshole neurosurgeon. I just knew I was going to lose it if/when I saw him. We made it the entire day without the anticipated confrontation. I began to relax once we finished our appointment with our neurosurgeon, relieved that the asshole wasn't in the office. All we had left to do was to get us some lunch and head home. I figured he wouldn't be at M.c.Don.alds, and I knew he wasn't going to be in the parking lot, so I thought we were safe. The neurosurgeon's office was on the 10th floor, so we all piled into the elevator to head on our way.

Can you guess who was waiting by himself right outside the elevator when it opened on the first floor?

Yep. The asshole.

Why the universe thought it necessary to put him in front of OUR elevator (there were three available!) at the precise time the doors opened is beyond me. (The cosmic forces that had to have aligned to make that chance meeting happen are mind boggling. People, we had to wait over 2 hours to get scanned and 2 hours to see our neurosurgeon!) I made eye contact, muttered a few choice expletives that I hope and pray he could lip read, gave him my glare of death, and busied myself with getting the boys out of the elevator.

I KNOW he saw me.

Is.aac said he immediately got busy with his cell phone and wouldn't look up. He didn't say a word to us as we walked by him.

That, my friends, made me quite satisfied. Perhaps I have an effect on him, too. Hehe. I am such a bitch. :-)

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Shot #4 was tonight. Scan on Wednesday. Still hoping things are going the way they should...

Thank you for all the good vibes and well wishes. It worked! WOOOOHOOOO it worked!!!

We finally left the hospital at 4:30ish and just barely got home a few minutes ago. I wanted to do a quick update, and then I am heading to bed for a quick nap--we all are headed to bed for a quick nap, as NO ONE has napped at all today. Ahem.

The boys rocked as usual. They were amazing all day long. (seeing how we put in a 10 hour day, that is saying something)

All looked well on the scans. Sh.awn has a tiny bit of swelling, but it is markedly decreased from his last scan in July. That is a plus. Ja.son's scan was excellent. We don't go back for a year! Ahhhhhh.....

On the way home, I actually saw a hooker get picked up by a John. It was clear that's what was happening right there on the street in front of God and everyone! I was struck how similar the scene was to what you'd see on tv. Blew my mind. Got to love LA.

Tomorrow we head down to the hospital for another round of CT scans. (I am trying hard not to think of the accumulating radiation my children have/are receiving at times like this. I don't even want to mentally add up the number of scans that Sh.awn has had over his just under two years of life. I do know it is in the double digits now.) Sh.awn will have his 3 month follow-up scan, while Ja.son will have his yearly scan.

I have worked myself up into a near frenzy that "they" will find something. What they will find hasn't clearly been defined in my head, but I am freaked that something will be found on the scans. And for us, something always leads to surgery. Ugh.

Sh.awny's hair has just started to fill in all the bald spots from the last surgery. Let's all say it together, "No more surgery. No more surgery. No more surgery."

The scans are set for 11 am (non sedated one minute studies-should be interesting). Our scan review and follow-up with the neurosurgeon is at 1:30. We hope the asshole neurosurgeon will not be there, but I am not holding my breath about that one. I am hoping we'll make it home sometime before the 5:00 rush hour. Sadly, that isn't a guarantee. Being bumped because of emergencies is a common practice. Hell, we bumped enough patients with all of our surgeries, so I suppose I need to be understanding.

Sigh.

I don't want to be understanding, damn it.

Of course, now added to the scan fear is my worry about the germs we'll be exposed to while we are at the hospital. I have packed our diaper bag full of hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes in the hope that I can defuse some of our risk. If I could get the boys to wear masks, I'd do that, too!

If you could send good vibes our way for nice, clear scans and a germ free experience, I'd greatly appreciate it. Shoot, could you also throw in some good vibes for not having to be there all day. I'd love it if we could get home long before it gets dark!

---

Please stop by and give Dawn your love, prayers, hugs, and support. Sadly, today she miscarried her baby girl at 14w1d and had a horrific experience at the ER.

If you can believe it, there were no lead follicles today. In fact, I didn't have any measurable follies today (some around 7ish mm was all). Even little cystie poo was behaving and maintaining the same (possibly smaller) size it was last week. Estrogen and progesterone are good.

E2 - 249
P4 - .5

There is no hint that I'll ovulate any time soon.

Lining was 13H (homogeneous), which they were fine with.

I think I am in shock. I was so sure that this cycle was going to be a bust by this point.

They've upped my del.estrogen to .25 ccs for Wednesday and Saturday. My next scan and blood work check is next Wednesday. At that point we'll talk about when to schedule transfer.

Whoa.

Perfect Moment Monday - Pumpkin Patch

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

This week's Perfect Moment was our trip to the pumpkin patch. We had a great time!



We started off checking out the sunflowers...

Sh.awn was quite impressed with their beauty.

We moved on to the pumpkins...

Here is Ja.son inspecting one of many possibilities.

He finally decided on this one. He's trying to roll it to the car in this picture! (but he didn't even know when we left without it)

Sh.awn was okay at the patch as long as he was in someone's arms. He did NOT like the hay that was all over the ground.

Here we are looking at a pumpkin. This was the first one he looked at.

From that point on, he had eyes for no other. He had found the most sincere pumpkin in the whole patch!

That made him VERY happy! :-)

Finally, we walked through the corn maze. We hid around the stalks and played peek-a-boo.

Sh.awn gave up trying to scare his brother and focused more on me. :-)

Is.aac and Ja.son popped around the corner with big grins on their faces.

We all had a great time as you can see by Jay's huge smile.

The perfect topper was when we saw this on the way home...

Don't forget to check out the other Perfect Monday Moments!

A Jumble of Thoughts

I am in a strange place right now--afraid to be excited about this cycle while afraid to not be. In a way, no matter how I feel, it will end up being the wrong way.

Let's start with the obvious: I want to be excited. I want this to work, and I want to have a baby somewhere around nine months from now. But, I fear that if I get revved up about the possibilities of this cycle, something is going to happen to derail things. I almost expect for it to come, and I hate that I anticipate that other shoe to drop and crush me again. I hate that there always seems to be that other shoe there to drop.

In the beginning of us trying to conceive, three and a half years ago, I would just pick myself up, focus on the path ahead, and continue chugging along. I was always optimistic. I believed things would eventually work out for us. That belief was my fuel to keep me moving.

Then the boys came.

With them came incredible joy and so much uncertainty.

Even with something so wonderful as my little men, there is still that giant foot waiting to stomp on us at any moment.

When we decided to have more children, we knew that it probably wouldn't be easy. That isn't true. We hoped it would be easier. I hoped that we had found the magic combination to bring us a quick completion to the dream. Alas, that was not to be.

Our hope (and our hearts) was dashed again with the miscarriage. And again because my body didn't cooperate and suppress like it should have.

My fuel is depleted with each additional barrier we face. And damn it, there have been many. Lately, each new low is darker than the low before it, which scares me to no end. I am still able to pick myself up, but it takes longer; it's harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel; and my belief is waning. Now I question if there will be the point when I can't dig myself back out to rejoin the world. How much longer can I continue even if that means I don't reach the dream of adding to our family?

The emotional spiraling that happens after a bad cycle or heaven forbid, a loss, almost frightens me to the point of immobility.

I hate that fear can is dictating how I live. It rules with the boys a lot of the time. Now it rules here, too.

I want to be excited, but I just can't find it in me right now, which seems so......wrong.

Like now I am already failing this possible child to be.

Like now I am dooming us to not succeed.

Sigh.

Shot two was yesterday. My next scan is Tuesday. I suppose that will be the real test. I expect that I'll probably have another follie in bloom. It just sort of feels like there is too much activity in the ole abdomen for things to be going smoothly.

We Remember

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. At 7:00 pm, my family will participate in this collective show of love for all babies lost too soon.

As we light our candles in honor of the world's shared loss, Is.aac and I will also be thinking of our own three babies.

Three very loved babies who only lived a few weeks in my womb but changed us for a lifetime in so many ways.

Three babies who brought such joy into our lives.

Three babies who are so very missed.

We remember.

Today.

Always.

**Updated

Sigh.

The little follie that could even when it shouldn't is still around, only now he is a 12mm cystie that shouldn't.

It now all depends on my estrogen levels. If they are too high, then guess who gets to start birth control pills.

I am fucking tired of all of this. Why won't my body just work?

Double Sigh.

I have a rather strong feeling that I will not pass go this time. I am going to see about changing this into a natural cycle. The bad part is that my regular doctor is out at some conference, so I am not exactly sure who is in charge of my case. The doctor that scanned me is the far more conservative doctor. He was the one that wanted to cancel me on the last scan before my last retrieval. Anyway, it seems to me that it shouldn't matter if I have a cyst to natural cycle, but I suppose I could be wrong about that, too. Why not, right?

I'll update when I get the call on the results.

**Update:

E2 was 44. I dodged the bullet by 6. They wanted it below 50 or I was taking bcps. I even have the perscription. (how is that for optimism on their part?) I start del.estro.gen tonight. Same dosage as before 0.2ml. Pray that my body behaves this time!

Guess what arrived right on time?

I go in for CD2 blood work and scan tomorrow.

This time, we're going to do this thing right. 'Nuff said.

P.S. I am taking the day off tomorrow. I figure it is time for a little break from things. :-)

And So It Begins...

...the countdown to the day the boys were born.

Two years ago today, Ja.son's* water broke. I was exactly 26 weeks pregnant.

Can you believe in a mere 17 days the boys will be the big T-W-O?

*To clarify, Baby A's water broke. Ja.son was baby B when born, but, I KNOW it was Ja.son's sac that ruptured. I think Sh.awn was just too excited to get out of that place that he jumped the line to become Baby A at birth. :-)

I Jinxed Myself

Had a level 1 lo.ckdown today. The kind that means window blinds are drawn, the kids are moved away from all windows, we sit on the floor, and no one makes a noise kind of lo.ckdown. And we stayed like that for an hour.

Bomb threat. (which makes me wonder why they made us stay in the building if the threat was that it was going to be blown up, but what do I know)

Then the threat was changed to a level 2, so the kids could talk but no on could leave the room. Fast forward through another hour and a half, add in one kid peeing in the sink (no bathroom opportunities during a lo.ckdown, and OMG I don't want to have to experience THAT again because....ewwwww), a room search, watching one of my students get patted down by the police, and we finally were released for lunch.

More news time. The camera crews were there before any of us knew what was going on.

It is ridiculous.

I think it scared off my poor student teacher. It is sad when the kids ask if this was her first lo.ckdown, and they say that she'll get used to them. It's very sad.

Two lo.ckdowns in as many days. I.am.wiped.

More Time In The Hood

I spent more time in the hood today.

We had yet another lock.down this morning. This time it was due to a threat on a surrounding street. There's nothing quite like staring at a sea of big-eyed, nervous students just after you hear those words come from the intercom. They'll tell you that your behavior is key to keeping calm in your classroom. You think of that as your body sort of enters automatic. Your voice softens. You become reassuring. And in this case, you continue with the lesson at hand as if nothing is happening. At the same time your mind is racing and you can hardly think. All for the longest forty minutes you can imagine...

We had a sense that all would be okay after about twenty minutes, especially when they asked us to continue teaching. In the end we had been in no danger, but we didn't really know for sure until afterward. Once I knew, it made it a little easier to go on with the rest of the day. The part that stays with me, though, is the realization that whatever just happened in the neighborhood will probably have a profound effect on at least one of the kids at our school--maybe one of the kids I have spent the morning reassuring. That thought lingers. It makes me so sad.

It wasn't the best way to start the day, that's for sure. Bleh.

My day ended with a preview of a presentation that we'll see at our staff development day on Tuesday. (oddly enough, this had been planned several days back. what a coincidence) The sc.hool re.source of.ficers will present about emergency response for stu.dents with wea.pons on ca.mpus. As part of the school leadership team and because I will do staff development training earlier that day, I was among a small group asked to view the presentation ahead of time to ensure that the information presented would not adversely affect the staff. (Seeing how two to three teachers had melt-downs today after this morning's fun, I am not sure you can present anything that would not adversely affect the staff, but that is beside the point.) It is all very heavy and scary stuff. We decided the staff can handle it. The staff wants it.

It is ugly stuff, but it is time for us to hear it.

The hardest part is that it is so needed at my work. The event we experienced this morning hit that message home yet again.

Needless to say, the day has left its mark on me tonight.

I suppose the good news is that it took all the focus off of ttc for me, at least for tonight. Sigh.

Fuck. I just have to get this out so I don't explode.

I have had the tiniest bit of ache or cramp or something on the lower right side of my abdomen this evening.

It could be a cyst, but it is on the low side. I'm talking about the area about 3-4 inches from my belly button.

Maybe some endo pains? (although all I have officially heard about endo is that I had some on my ovary at this last retrieval)

I am trying with all I have to not get my hopes up. Everything I have.

Let's recap:

LH surge on CD 10. (last Monday)

Definite ovulation signs through to Wednesday - CD 12

Today is CD 18.

I technically have around another 8 days before I should see even the slightest hint of af.



I need to stop thinking about this. Sigh.

I'll most likely be kicking myself in the morning for even thinking this way.

Perfect Moment Monday - Family

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

I needed a day like this. Just me and my family at the park. :-)

Go see more Perfect Monday Moments here!

P.S. The RE finally called tonight. (it would have been nice for the nurse to tell me he was on VACATION!!!) He assured me that what happened this cycle was a fluke and he doesn't expect it to happen again. A small percentage of women will ovulate through the drugs, but it in no way indicates that something is wrong with my body or that success will be compromised in a FET cycle, which is something my crazy head has been thinking. I am feeling better about that at least.

P.S.S. Tomorrow, I'll be out of school for a conference. I am looking forward to the break both mentally and physically. I am also strongly considering taking Friday off as well. Maybe a little down time will make things a little less overwhelming and help me get my head back in the game.

Let me start by saying one thing:

My husband has been annoying the crap out of me.

There. I said it. I love him to pieces, but he is going to drive me insane in the not too distant future. I suppose my annoyance with him is just an extension of my frustration in all the other areas of my life. It has seemed for the last several weeks that I can't quite get my head above the water line, like there is some invisible force just below the surface sucking me under whenever I let my guard down. My response, of course, is to never relax, because when I do, everything falls apart around me.

Is.aac feels the tension, no doubt. He has been clingy, which in turn has made me feel like I need to pull away. The more he clings. the more I run. He's always been more of the touchy feely type than I am, so that in itself isn't really a surprise. Usually, we can come to a sort of middle ground which gives him the touch he needs while still giving me a bit a space. But now it is all I can do to sit next to him on the couch. I am angry at him for nothing. For everything. Intensely angry. I've been snappy and easily upset over the stupid regular things he does. (Seriously, our latest argument was over him turning off the television and boy was I upset--I know, it doesn't make sense.) I know I am being irrational. I know I am being a royal bitch. But I can't seem to break the pattern. The sad part is that hurting him has actually satisfied me. So ugly and sick. I know. It makes me feel so guilty.

Work has been a challenge, which has thrown me for a loop. That was always one place where I knew what I was doing, even on the most hectic of days. I have been frustrated because of various things, but I never really let what happened there get to me so deeply that I have felt like this. I am overwhelmed, and it is freaking me out. If you knew me in real life, you'd know just how huge it is to hear me utter those words. I don't get overwhelmed there. I just don't. Until now.

The boys just finished their EI evaluations, which always makes me question myself and my skills as a mother. Every time I was asked a question about the boys that I couldn't answer (even the odd, off the wall type) I felt my confidence fade more. I can justify that "normal" people don't have to analyze the way their children chew food, but damn it, I should know that answer. I should know if my child explores new textures, and how many new textures he tries a day. I don't. I don't want to really, because it would be nice if I could just enjoy my kids without having to worry about such nonsense. But I should know, and I don't. I should be able to be their mother and not their fucking drill sergeant. No, sit up Sh.awn. You can reach for that. You don't need my help, you can do it. I'm sorry, Baby, I know you don't like this, but we have to do this one more time. Ja.son, put the peg in the pegboard. Please put the peg in the pegboard. Fine, draw a line just like mommy's. Grab my fingers and let's practice walking one more time. Our games are filled with shit that EI expects them to do. It is just so exhausting. My confidence as a mother has always been rocky, but it plummets at times like these.

Don't even get me started on trying to add to our family. There's nothing like having your body go out of its way to fail at something so many others do easily to make a girl feel good about herself. Maybe that is just me?

I hate this about myself. This new edge I've adopted has made me into a person I don't particularly care for.

I am a fairly private person. Sure, I'll tell you pretty much whatever you want to know on the surface, but I hold my emotions in check a good portion of the time. It is hard for me to expose myself--to let others know some of the dark feelings I have, but I need to try and change that. Maybe writing these emotions out will be the nudge I need to start to turn things around? I hope so at least.

Sucker Punched

Remember my guess that the boys' therapist had a miscarriage back in August, right around the same time as mine? It turns out that I was right. I had never really had the chance to talk to her about it because school had started and therapy was at my mom's house rather than at mine. (I still haven't told my mom all the stuff that has happened, and I have not confessed that we are doing treatments again. I haven't told anyone but the therapist actually. Not even really sure why I told her? Maybe because she happened to be there that day when I got the beta results? I don't know.)

Anyway, today we had a few minutes alone, so she took the opportunity to ask me about being pregnant. I am sure she knew that I wasn't because let's face it, it would be hard to hide a fifteen week pregnancy on me, but she asked anyway. I briefly told her what happened to me after she confirmed that she had miscarried, too.

What I wasn't prepared for was hearing that she is now 8 weeks pregnant. She was able to get pregnant again a mere two weeks after her miscarriage.

Hearing that news was yet another punch in the gut, made even worse by the fact that I am once again waiting for my stupid period. A period I wish would never come. A period that I know will.

It just pisses** me off all over again.

**I can't quite pinpoint a word or phrase that accurately relates my emotion about the unfairness of it all. "Pisses" just seems too benign, too common to really express what I am feeling.

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I still haven't heard from the RE, which is a bit uncharacteristic of him. He always calls. I guess I am going to have to break down and call there. I just don't want to until I have something I can act on--you know, like a period. This sitting around waiting is not easy for me to deal with lately.

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Work has been...hard. I am officially overwhelmed. The five preps, the late nights, coordinating and planning, and several students with some serious behavior issues (who are all in the same class, and if I hear that I am the only one who can handle them one more time I am going to explode!) are starting to take their toll on me. The sad thing is that it's only been six weeks since school started! I am in trouble.