Keep On Keeping On

It's been 6 weeks. An entire month has passed without her in it. Sigh.

~~~

I'm on spring break right now. Instead of relaxing and regrouping for the last 43 days of school (yes, I am counting down), I've been spending my time at my mom's house packing up her belongs and starting to prepare her house for sale.

It's a heartbreaking thought, really. Aside from the memories and people who love and miss her terribly, her life has been reduced to the contents of a 1500 square foot house. The task has been both infinitely harder than I expected and simultaneously easier. It's...

I don't know.

I do know that here I am going through the things she collected over the years while trying to figure out what they meant to her or why she felt like each particular thing was worthy of keeping. I know so many stories behind the things...but there are so many I do not know. How could I have spoken to her every single day, spent countless hours at her house, and yet know nothing about so much?

There are things I've found that have made me laugh. Her insane amount of undies in her drawer, enough where she could have gone months without washing had she wanted. 

Yet, she had gotten rid of so many of the clothes in her closet that she had 12 shirts and a few pairs of jeans she cycled through regularly. Not much else was in her closet clothes wise. I wonder if that was restraint on her part. I know she worried about money. Did she not buy clothing for herself because of that? It makes me sick inside to think that could be the reason.

It has made me think about what my own children will find when they go through my belongings once I've gone. Will they wonder why I have so many damn jackets and purses when I always use the same ones over and over? Will they look at the set of pregnancy tests I've kept and be grossed out rather than sentimental like I am? Probably. Sigh. 

~~~

My intention was to do the probate of mom's estate myself, saving a substantial amount of money in the process. I purchased a book that told me how to probate an estate in 132 easy steps. At least it seemed that way. I started the process. I completed several forms, but I was just so stressed about it all that I decided my sanity is worth more than saving money. I went to a lawyer - where I found my paperwork was done correctly, thank you very much - and turned it all over to him. The hearing is in May; I'll be moving forward with selling the house once I've been named executor. (I continue to fly solo on decisions, despite the fact that both my brothers live within a mile of her house. I sure hope that changes, but I don't know that it will.)

~~~

Both of my parents requested to be cremated. Their current happily ever after location is my kitchen table. It's somewhat surreal. I'm not all together comfortable with that location, but I am not sure where to put them. They didn't exactly want their ashes spread anywhere, and I'd have to admit the conversations about cremation never extended to what would happen after. So, there they sit.

I did decide that I am going to have a cremains necklace made for myself. (Funny that the thought of wearing their ashes wigs me out so much less than finding a place in my house for their ashes.) I've also decided to make memorial necklaces for the grandchildren as a gift. Of course, to do this will mean I will have to open the urns to extract the ashes, but I am trying to not think about that part.

~~~

We are all still processing the loss. My knee jerk reaction to call my mom whenever something happens or to just talk has lessened some. It is a little scary to realize that something has happened and that desire to talk to her about it didn't come like before. I miss her terribly, but the tears have stopped (for all of us) for the most part. The sadness isn't quite as crushing as it was a few weeks ago. Progress, I suppose.

Ja.son has selected some mementos from mom's house and has put up several pictures next to his bed, which seems to bring him comfort. He, too, is now able to talk about memories and fun times without the immediate welling of tears, although he still does well up from time to time. 

Ja.ck's concept of what is going on has been harder to gauge. He is still so young (just turned 6) and he wasn't as close to grandma as his brothers were. He knows and says that he misses her, but we haven't got a lot more out of him than that. 

Sh.awn is the one I am most worried about, in particular because he does have an expressive language delay and it is hard for him to articulate the thoughts he has. He has also never cried, even though, he, too, talked to my mom almost daily, and I think feels this loss on a much deeper level than his brothers because of that. When she first passed, any time we talked about it or mentioned her name, he would suddenly state he wasn't feeling well and needed to go to the doctor. Thankfully, that has passed. Now, he will randomly ask where she is, even though he knows the answer, and tell me that he misses her. He even pretended to call her on the phone the other night to talk. That just about broke my heart, I have to say.

Overall, though, we are as good as you could expect in this kind of situation. We're doing lots of talking, lots of snuggling, and we keep on keeping on.

#Microblog Monday

I spent this weekend dealing with issues of stomach rebellion. It could simply be that my body protests all of the food I've ingested through the holiday. More likely this has been the manifestation of stress.

My 92 year old grandmother is here, and while I love her to pieces, her visits are not without challenges. Namely, the woman speaks her mind about everything without much care about how her words affect those around her. I do not think that her intent is malicious, but as a woman who has lived nearly a century, her ideas and my ideas about the world are not exactly similar. Couple that with the fact that the years have weakened her filter, and well...it's been difficult.

And now I've had far too many conversations with little ones about what grandma means when she said xyz. Sigh.

I want my boys to know her, and I truly am happy she is here. I am keenly aware that there may not be many more visits with her.

Still, I feel horrible that I was relieved to not have to go visit today. It's even worse that I'm counting down the days until she leaves. :(

Stop by Stirrup Queens for more Microblog Monday posts.

The Boys Are 7!

The big boys turned 7 on Monday. It truly blows my mind. 

Ja.son

Sh.awn

They are so big and smart and funny and amazing--everything I was afraid to wish they'd be when they were tiny premature newborns. I am beyond proud of how far they've come. I know they'll accomplish great things in their future, too!

I am always taken aback by how much the drama behind their birth still affects me. The stab of emotion isn't as strong as it used to be, nor does it last long, but I'd be lying to say that it isn't still there. Even with all of the good that we have in our lives, there is still that small twinge of sadness about what might have been.

When You Leave the Cave, You Run Into Stupidity

For the longest time, I think we lived somewhat of a hermit life. A lot of that can be attributed to the fact it was just easier to stay in our little cave when we had two, and then three boys in tow, but there were some other factors at play. The big boys' lack of proficiency and stamina with their walkers was one reason. Some lingering sensory issues was another. Jack's tendency to run away was yet another. (I even tried one of those leash things, but he broke it the first time he used it. Sigh.)

Anyway, now that many of the obstacles we faced are easing, we are out and about more and more. Leaving the house is great and freeing and stressful and tiring all rolled into one. I generally come back with a stiff neck and a headache, although I am still usually glad we went on the day's adventure.

I find that the problem is rarely the boys' behavior. They LOVE going places and talking to people. I am incredibly proud of how polite and pleasant they are to everyone they meet.

No, it's not my boys that makes me hold my breath for our entire trip. My muscles ache and my nerves are shot because of other people we encounter along the way. The people who rudely (and loudly) comment to their younger, smaller children that "No, you're waaaaaaay too big to ride in the cart!" as we pass. Clearly, the comment was in reference to my boys who were sitting in the red, double seated cart. (I love Tar.get's carts!) Or the "What's wrong with him?" comments. Or even the woman who tried to stop me outside of a restaurant to give me her business card because she thought her hyperbaric oxygen chamber would be "just the thing" to help our boys' "funny" walk. (Oh. yes. she. did. Again, this was said within earshot of my boys. AS IF we would follow the information given to us by some random stranger on the street, even. Let's just say I was not nice to her.)

Do they think we aren't doing enough? That they have the quick fix to solve all of our problems and we are too inept to find the answers on our own?

Why anyone, especially someone who doesn't even know us, feels he or she should actually open his/her mouth to suggest anything unsolicited blows my mind. Yet it is happening more and more.

I would never go out of my way to say anything that could be received negatively by someone else. I am certainly not doling out parenting advice (as if I have all the answers anyway) or commenting on things that are not my business. What would either of those things do other than cause hurt?

For the life of me, I just can't understand the mentality that seems to prevail right now. People seem to think that they can and should tell us (and others) whatever crosses their minds. I guess I can see why people would be freer to say stupid things on the internet with the anonymity, lack of proximity thing, but to do it in real life? To people you don't know?

Why does what we do matter to anyone else anyway? We aren't loud or distracting or anything else. We are just out minding our own business.

All we are is slightly different.

I can't help but feel we're being judged because of it. What we do/how we look is judged.
People don't know how to handle differences; they're afraid of them. I know that. Do our differences give people the perceived right to judge us? I don't know. But I do know people show their ignorance in their words and behavior. Often.

Do people know they cause hurt when they say critical things to strangers? Do they care?

Probably not, I guess, otherwise they'd say nothing.

Why don't they care?

It does bug me that the few can so easily sour my mood or make me think twice about doing something before heading out. I hate that their rudeness affects me and our family like this.

Sigh.

I know I should just grow a thicker skin and not let it get to me. I'm trying, really I am.

~~~

Thankfully this behavior isn't shared by everyone. There are many more people who embrace our family with conversation and smiles. People who remember us and pick up conversations right up from where they last left off. People who fight for our (and our boys') happiness. I am so grateful for these people!

Good Things

These things are good...

bubbles on a warm summer day,



faces covered in chalk,

flying through the air,

notes on the fridge left by Ja.son,

snuggles captured on selfies,

dirt angels,

balloon animals,

kisses,

more kisses,

and homemade ice cream in a bag.

 

I want to remember these moments always.

 

I'm feeling really, really grateful for all my boys tonight.

Eleven

Today is our 11th wedding anniversary. It's crazy to think about, even though we've been together for over 24 years now. (Now that makes me feel old!)

Homecoming - fall '89

 We started dating the summer before our senior year. 

Disneyland - Grad Night '90

We were so young!

Sometime in '91 or '92

We grew up together, the two of us.

At a friend's wedding in 1995

We experienced big life moments together.

Graduations...

I'm a hottie here. :) - 1996

 

Weddings...(posted about it here)

 

August 2, 2002

We had just been declared man and wife - happy much?

Babies...

 

 

We've grown into the people we are today together. The ups, downs, happiness, and sadness...we've been through it all.  It wasn't always a smooth transition from one event to another, but we made it through the tough times and are stronger for it.

Happy Anniversary, Is.aac. I hope you always know how much you mean to me. I truly do love you with all of my heart!

Watching Through A Window

Every summer during my elementary school years, I was lucky enough to go summer camp for ten days. The first year I went, the summer before I went into second grade, I was the youngest camper in the group. I loved being there by day, but by night I was miserable. I felt like such a little baby because I missed home so badly it hurt and I cried for hours each night at bed time.

After the third night of this, a sweet counselor took pity on my pathetic soul and came to sit with me in my bunk. (I'd like to think that the counselors took pity on me each night, but only this night really stands out in my memory now.) She held my hand and told me stories, essentially easing me into slumber with her words. Oh how I loved that counselor!

Early on during our nightly talks, she taught me a hand signal. Three quick squeezes of your hand equalled three important words - I. Love. You. I thought it was our secret sign. That counselor would see me throughout the day and come check on me. Before she'd move on, she give my hand the signal and I'd feel like all was right in the world.

(Okay. Now that I think about it, it sounds a tiny bit creepy. It totally wasn't.)

Three squeezes for three words. I. Love. You. I've taught every important person in my life, including my boys, that hand signal. I love the ability to be able to communicate that sentiment to the ones I love.

~~~

When my nieces and nephew were little, of course I taught them the hand signal. They loved the signal just as much as I did as a kid, so they were often squeezing my hands at every chance.

One day, Is.aac and I were out on a date at a local restaurant. My brother, sister-in-law, and their kids happened to be at the same restaurant, but we didn't see them until they were on their way out. They came to our table to say hello. We chatted for a bit before my sil hurried everyone toward the door.

My nephew, who was about six at the time, was in the middle of telling me about what happened at school when his mom decided it was time to go. He was rushed out the door without having the chance to even really say goodbye.

A few moments later, we watched through the window as they walked past on their way toward their car. My nephew saw me, stopped, held out his hand, and squeezed the air twice before my brother grabbed a hold of him to make him move. (My brother did not understand the gesture, having not been let in on the secret.) The last thing I saw was his arm reaching back to give me that last air squeeze.

Three squeezes for three words. I. Love. You. The memory of his arm up, squeezing air while my brother dragged him away, makes me laugh every single time I think about it, even after all these years sixteen years later.

~~~

This is the second part of her writing challenge. Thanks to Ellen for another fun writing topic. :)

Void

Thursday was the anniversary of my dad's death. He has been gone for five years now. While the raw, unable to breathe emotion has softened during that time, the void left by his loss is still palpable.

I miss him.

I am still angry that at the exact same time I was leaning against a hospital window pleading with God to help my son and stop the heartache my family was going through, my dad's life was ending three hundred miles away in an automobile accident.

I think he would have really gotten a kick out of these boys of mine. I know they would have loved being with him.

Homesick

Welcome
Home
Mom & Dad

I burst into tears when I saw the sign on the door as we walked up our front steps. "Welcome Home Mom & Dad," five of the most meaningful and longed for words of my life. Oh how I had waited for this moment. Finally, I was given the chance to bring one of my babies home from the hospital. I was so excited for the chance to actually parent my own child.

I can only describe that moment, holding Sh.awn in my arms, as feeling like I was almost there. When we walked through the door with Ja.son ten days later, my world was complete. We were all home. Together.

We had worked so hard to get me pregnant. We had tried so hard to keep me pregnant. We had watched hopelessly while our boys raged their own fights for their lives. All of that time I missed home--that place where I felt safe, protected, and calm. I hadn't had those feelings for months. I was home, but I wasn't really home until the boys were there with us.

I was homesick without ever going anywhere.

This sign, which like the one on the front door was placed by my mom that day, still hangs on our garage door after all of this time. I've seen it every day for a little over 5 years. Every day it still makes me catch my breath and remember just how lucky we are to be together.

~~~

My mom told me much later that she had put the signs up several times before but had to rush over at the last minute to remove them when the boys were not discharged as expected. She's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.

~~~

Thanks to Ellen for this week's writing prompt, and to Tracey for inspiring me to write. :)

My Children Are Out to Get Me. Again. Still?

We are an accident prone bunch. With all of these boys around here, it almost can't be helped. Someone is ALWAYS getting hurt, tripping over something/someone, walking into a wall, getting a bruise...you name it, someone is doing it.

Fine. I'll confess. Usually that someone is me.

Much of the time, it is not really all that big of a problem. The injured party sigh I just shake off that moment's pain and move on (to the next one). I've even gotten pretty good at anticipating their moves before they happen, which has saved me from plenty of injuries for sure. Still, there are times when I don't quite act fast enough or they catch me off guard.

There was the time that I got a head butt in the chin that ruptured my eardrum.

There was that other time when a toy was thrown and I SWEAR it broke my foot.  There wasn't time to go to the doctor, so I can't really say if it was broken for certain, but I could hardly walk on it for what seemed like weeks..

I've had pulled back muscles and strained neck muscles from lifting and playing with the boys.

There was a broken toe when I kicked the wall rushing to quiet a screaming boy in the middle of the night.

It was bad enough at one point that I used to joke that my kids were out to get me.

There is only so much bobbing and weaving a person can do before she is ultimately caught. This weekend was my time. I fell prey to yet another injury--a chin to the eye.

Believe it or not, this thing is already 4 days old. It was
much more prominent on Monday morning.

I am now sporting a nice black eye. (this is a horrible picture of me with no makeup, but you can see the initial point of impact and the nice black under my eye)

It's been fun at work this week. The kids aren't quite sure what to think of my bruise, and they are not sure enough of me yet to ask. I've found it's pretty funny to watch them try to skirt around the topic to see if I'll volunteer any information. I haven't yet. Lol.

I almost don't want to explain it and let them think what they will. Maybe it will up my street cred some? ;-)

I don't know, but I do know telling them I got beat up by a 4 year old is not going to do it!

Weekend Leftovers

The latest on the TB drama: They sent my grandmother to the ER yesterday so she could try to produce a sputum sample. (I swear I am never going to think of coughing in the same way after this whole ordeal.) Of course, she could not. The nurse listened to her lungs, which sounded fine. They put in a call to the doctor in charge of her case. (I think this her case manager at the CDC, but I don't know for sure.)

Now, they are saying because there is no way to confirm or disprove that she has an active case of TB due to the lack of sputum (WTF?!!!?), she will be forced to stay in isolation and take the medication for a total of 8 weeks. That would theoretically make her no longer contagious if she actually did have an active case of TB. And if she didn't? Well, she would only be forced to take the minimum course of drugs.

I mean...come the fuck on already! The whole thing of not being able to confirm that she ever did have TB in the first place just pisses me off even more.

The medical world drives me insane sometimes.

Or a lot of the time.

~~~

School continues to kick my rear end, but we are definitely getting into a groove again. It has been hard on us all to get up early, I have to admit that. At least two of my boys share their mother's aversion to mornings. Ahem. The third boy is an early riser but slow, so he doesn't really help matters.

We all enjoyed the lazy days of summer, that's for sure!

~~~

Therapy has completely switched over to our new therapists. The change has been remarkable. Seriously. While the only one it really affected was Sh.awn (both of his therapists have been changed), him being happier when we go has made the world of difference in us all.

He asks to go to "school" every. single. day. now. Every day.

His OT is quirky but sharp and willing to learn (and apply!) all that he can about Sh.awn. He has listened to what Is.aac and I had to say and has a plan! for how we can move Sh.awn forward from this plateau he's been on over the last year. So exciting!

Sh.awn's new PT is pretty amazing, too. She has an amazing skill at redirecting him and making him think that what they are doing is his idea. ;)

~~~

Other Highs! and Lows:

• I cut the big boys' hair yesterday. They both did so much better than they had in the past. Maybe we are moving beyond the days of teary/hysterical hair cuts. High!
• We went to the park today. The boys had a blast. High!
• Therapy. HIGH!!!!!
• This is a three day weekend. So needed. High!
• Jack is still not walking without holding my finger. I am trying not to stress, but hell if I don't want to have to take him to an 18 month appointment and have her throw Early Intervention out at me again. We only have one month left... Low.
• He is well past the minimum word count for 18 months, though. He just doesn't talk a lot. When he does, he is spot on. High!
• Due to a change in the pay schedule, I ended up getting paid two checks this month. Boo Yah! (Am I the only one who gets paid once a month? Is this a teacher thing?) High!!!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers!

Leftovers

So I have successfully made it through the first week back to school. Classes are still huge, but at least they are slightly smaller than last year, so that's something. (Only one class at 39 students this year instead of last year's two classes.) I do have the most notorious student in school, but he seems to like the class at this point and has been calm and participating.

All in all, things are going well there. Whew.

~~~

I did end up taking the boys to my mom's house. Is.aac got in touch with the pediatrician (while she was still on vacation even). Thankfully she confirmed what we heard from one of the public health officials. My mom is most likely not positive, and even if she was, she would not be contagious. My brother was still ifffy because of the description of his symptoms, so he will have no contact with the boys or my mom until we hear the results from his further testing.

This whole situation certainly highlights that we need to have back up plans for childcare.

I get ten days off a year. Period. I could theoretically take family leave, but the issue of the loss of income comes into play as my check pays the mortgage. And well...yeah.

There needs to be a backup plan.

~~~

The transition from summer with mommy to school year with grandma is not without its bumps.

Sh.awn has decided that he will not pee at my mom's house at all. We've recreated his bathroom setup as close as possible, but he just won't go on the potty. I'm trying really hard not to worry about all of our summer progress in this area being lost. We had the same issue with Ja.son going at grandma's house after I had trained him.

The earlier mornings have made for some grumpy boys for my mom, too. We've moved their bedtime up some, so we'll see if that takes care of it.

~~~

Jack is going through his first hunger strike. He wants food, but he only wants certain foods. And those preferences change every.single.day. It's maddening.

I also think that Jack is teething his 2 year molars. Not fun.

Oh, and I hate teeth.

~~~

We went to the park today. It was so much fun! Look at my guys...

He is getting so good at climbing up slides!

Loving the swing.

Sh.awn standing with his daddy.

Smelling a dandelion.

Mommy and Jack walking to the park.

Making a wish on a dandelion.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

I Think My Head Is Going to Explode

because seriously, people. This is getting old.

Grr. Skin tests for both my mom and brother were negative, but because my grandmother had a negative skin test and my brother is a fucking hypochondriac and thinks he has all of the symptoms for TB*, they both got chest X-rays and blood work to double check that they are really negative. They won't get the results back for 2 weeks.

(I'm like, um? you didn't ask for sooner because we're like stuck without childcare here at the worst possible time for us and it would be really nice if we knew one way or another officially before I send my kids to you and risk exposure to a contagious lung disease in their 12 week premature fucking lungs?)

So...now we send the boys to my mom's without an official negative or try to figure out some way to provide childcare for them for these next two weeks until we get the all clear. Which, you know, is challenging for me considering I start teaching students tomorrow and all.

My mom feels strongly that her additional tests will be negative. Who knows for my brother. When they talked to public health while at my grandmother's, they were told that even if their skin tests were positive, they would be considered "latent" and not contagious. My research confirmed that that would most likely be the case if their x-rays are clear. So, Isaac feels like it will be okay to send them. I was all set to agree once they got the negative skin tests.

Only...how can I really be sure now? The public health official in our county thought there was enough doubt to do further testing on them both. And 6-9 months of medication (at what we've been told is $300 a MONTH per person) for the boys because I was wrong is just not acceptable to me.

That means today I am fucking angry about all the whole situation. It's probably irrational and self centered and who knows what else, but I don't care anymore.

All of this should just be done already. But no...let's prolong the drama for a little longer because we don't have enough shit to deal with on a general basis.

Then, for added fun, Jack just threw up some cheese puffs through his nose (only? maybe? because he hiccuped and laughed?). That's just what I need. Let's have him aspirate on some of that and get pneumonia.

Which will probably be diagnosed as TB in a chest x-ray because Hey! Why not?!

Sigh.

~~~

*Of course he has the symptoms of TB because he has chronic lung disease (hello smoking!) with some other decidedly non TB issues. And he's a nut.

~~~

Please forgive any typos and/or grammarical and spelling errors. I am too ticked to go back and attempt an edit.

I Just Don't Wanna & an Update

I go back to work tomorrow. I just don't want to. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my job once the school year gets underway, but I have to admit that each year it is taking me longer and longer to get into the school mode.

Which is the simple way of saying I am not ready. Most of that stuff I had left to do on Friday is still not done. I did go in and finish my room. That's something!

~~~

Mom and my brother still have no reaction on their TB tests. Here's hoping it stays that way until tomorrow at 1. They do have to go back in 10 weeks for a retest, but we have been told they are likely not contagious if they do ultimately come up positive.

We still have not been contacted by our public health for out testing. If they haven't gotten things squared away by the time the pediatrician comes back, then we've decided to have it done there and get it over with.

I'm definitely feeling a lot calmer about the whole thing now.

Friday Night Leftovers

Three days. That's all that's left of my summer break. I am beyond sad.

With my mom gone, and the fact that I work in the hood and it isn't safe to go at night, I haven't really been able to go set up my classroom. I went one day last weekend, but I have at least another 5 or so hours ahead of me before I'll feel finished. Plus, I have to lesson plan.

I am dragging my feet on all of it.

We have yet another principal this year also. I think there is the misconception by the staff that they are going to love her. They are in for a world of shock once she starts shaking things up around that place. (I am all for the shaking part. I am not, however, looking forward to the growing pains the staff will go through while the shaking happens. They bitch enough without having something to bitch about--I fear when they actually do have a reason to complain it is going to be unbearable.)

There is also that little tidbit about me liking being home with the boys and I will miss being a stay at home mom. Le sigh.

~~~

We have not had our TB tests yet. Good grief this whole mess is a fine example of horrible timing and bureaucracy at its worst.

Wouldn't you know that the boys' pediatrician is on vacation until the 27th? Of course she is. There is not another ped in her office (they'd refer us out), but with our boys' rather ... intense fear of anyone in a white coat, I don't really want to do that either. That left going to the public health office.

However, we can go there but we'd have to pay about $150 to get us all tested because my grandmother's county, which is in another state, has not yet released the information to our county. Having to pay that much is annoying, but dude, I just want this over.

Except, the timing of when we test will determine if we have to have to be retested again later.

My mom and brother were supposed to get their tests today (in the other state) so we'll be able to know our chances of testing positive by Monday when theirs get read. If they are negative, it is pretty assured that we will be too. If theirs are positive...well, then I'd say we would be as well.

I don't want any of us to be positive, okay universe? Please?

Is.aac continues to struggle with this whole situation. He will look over at me and just sigh. While I am trying to laugh my way through it, he is just upset.

I can understand where he's coming from, as this is the second time we've fallen victim to my family's friendly fire. (The first time being when my mom went to Michigan and brought back shingles and Lyme disease. We think the shingles gave the boys chicken pox about two months before I could get them the vaccinated.)

But still, my family's cooties are no match for his family's crazy. His family wins, hands down. Just saying.

~~~

The boys were challenging today (for some reason Friday's end up that way). Is.aac's came home for two hours before heading to his friend's house for the evening.

All I could think was wtf? Then I thought I am so going to pretend I don't hear the boys in the morning and make him get up with them. Seriously.

~~~

Highs and lows from the week:

• The whole TB thing? Low. Definitely low.
• The end of summer? Low.
• Talking to an awesome online friend for an interview on infertility was a High! I'll write more about that soon.
• Walking into Jack's room to find him mostly naked and smiling like a goon was a High! (Kids pull off their clothes?! I did not have to deal with that with the big boys. If anything, they were begging me to put more clothes on them, not take them off!)
• Seeing a shooting star with the big boys. :-) High!
• Letting the boys swim in our kiddie pool. It was work for me, especially keeping Jack from biting the side of the pool and the big two from throwing water in each other's faces, but they LOVED it. High!
• Ja.son lost his second tooth this week. I love the tooth fairy. It is so fun to watch their excitement over it all!

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers!

So My Mom, My Brother, and My Grandma Go to Michigan

where at least one of them comes back with an active case of TB and exposed us all! Possibly all three of them! Yea!

Seriously, people. I wouldn't believe it if it didn't happen to us. Then again, all kinds of crazy shit happen to us so why why wouldn't I believe it? I should just automatically assume that there will be something crazy around the corner so I'm not surprised.

Did I mention I don't really like surprises much?

Sigh.

Guess the whole family gets to go get tested at the public health office. Doesn't that sound like fun? I know you're jealous. Too bad I didn't add "Test for infectious diseases" on our Summer Bucket list. We would have nailed it.

If am seriously going to cry if my mom and/or brother test positive. She wouldn't be able to watch the boys for 2-12 weeks...

Because there's that little matter of starting back to work on Monfuckingday.

And my boys go to my mom's house while I work.

And we have no backup except missing work.

And she's had an annoying little cough that came after my grandmother's visit in DECEMBER

Which could totally be the allergies/sinus drainage we (and her dr) thought it was,

Or that pesky TB thing. No biggie, right?

We'll know soon enough seeing how the C D C is now on the case and hunting us all down.

Is.aac's a tad upset. He just apparently had a Tom Cruise a la Rain Man moment. You know that part where he stops the car in the middle of the road, jumps out, and screams "son of a biiiiiitccchhh!"?

Yep, he's handling this well, too.

I'm trying to laugh. It's either that or cry.

Friday Night Leftovers

My 90 year old grandmother has been having some issues with wheezing and pneumonia. She was given inhalers and antibiotics, but the cough and fatigued lingered. On Wednesday, she had a bronchoscopy to check her airways after they saw a suspicious ... something ... in her airway on a CT scan.

Apparently, whatever the "something" is, it is ugly. They did a biopsy on it, but the doctor is thinking it looks like the big C. They also found she has a staph infection in her lung, so they put her on antibiotics to clear that.

Then yesterday, she called my mom (in another state mind you), freaked that they were moving her to ICU and told her she had TB.

Sigh.

Apparently, some doctor somewhere thought that maybe she could have TB, so they needed to isolate her just in case. It's all so frustrating, because of course the TB test she had done this morning had absolutely no reaction. They still wanted to test her every day for the next 4 days...

It reminds me of that time they hazmatted my room on the maternity floor because I had diarrhea. I was in isolation for 4 days (couldn't see the babies!) while they tested me to make sure I was not in fact a diseased threat to the safety of all. In the end (ha. no pun intended) I was allergic to the IV antibiotics I'd been given mega doses of. Nice huh?

Anyway, my mom and one of her sister-in-laws are now there. It looks like they will release my grandma tomorrow should she continue to not have a reaction to the TB test. Results on the ugly thing in her airway will come next week.

I'd appreciate any good thoughts you could give for my grandma.

~~~

I go back to school in 10 days. The students arrive in 11 days. I have done absolutely nothing in preparation for this new school year.

Oh wait. I did do something. I went to a three day training this week. That was something.

I had a rough time with it, though. It was all about being sensitive to the differences of our students and providing a safe place for each and every one of our kids. It was all theory, which wasn't so bad in itself, but I was surrounded by some pretty annoyingly ignorant people who said some pretty ignorant things. (The words that came from their mouths make me really worry about the state of education in some places. Yikes.)

It didn't help that I got quite a few of the "Oh you work there..." comments.

Ugh. I didn't do much relaxing, and I certainly didn't learn much while I was there.

I did however go with some really great people from my school, so the nights were fun. :)

~~~

Jack tried a lemon today. He did not like...

80 year old man in toddler body...

Heh heh heh. He then threw that sucker as far as he could.

~~~

Today is National S'mores Day! Ja.son fulfilled his s'more eating duty.

S'mores are sticky little suckers...

~~~

Sh.awn has a new found obsession with getting dirty. It doesn't matter if he "only" has grass, he'll try to cover himself with it...

Heaven forbid if he has actual dirt...

~~~

Those of you on FB have already seen this, but I wanted to add this last little conversation for my records:

Commentary from the boys watching the Olympics (wrestling) :

J: So we want the blue guy to win?
Me: Yes, he's from the USA. We want him to win.
J: Uh oh. That red guy looks like he wants to win, too. How come they both can't win?
S: Yeah. How come?
Me: Well, that's not how it works...
J: In my games everyone would get a medal!
S: yeah!
Me: (happy sigh)

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

~~~

Holy Hell! Today is Friday! I finished my Leftovers on a Friday for once! Whoot!

Today Was a Really Amazing Day

It was very emotional ceremony, as special as you could make one of these types of ceremonies, and one that I'd guess that the in-laws thought was pretty perfect.

The courtroom was filled with family and friends. Many of Baby A's bio family except for the birth mom, our MIL and us from their family, and a few of their close friends were there. (Noticeably absent was the other BIL and wife, but I truly believe it is their loss to have missed this experience.)

The judge said a few words, thanked us for coming, and gave the in-laws the adoption decree. He told them to read it before signing, but added that they could read it aloud or to themselves. BIL said this was something we'd all been waiting for and he'd read it to all of us. When BIL started to read, he started sobbing and had to stop. He handed it to SIL to read. She got a few words in and had to stop, too. They continued to hand the paper back and forth, each reading a few words before stopping to wipe away their tears. By the time they were finished, I don't think there was a dry eye in the place, including the judge's.

Tears of happiness are so wonderful!

They are now an official family.

I stood to the side, taking pictures. I watched their faces while I snapped. I wish you could have seen their overwhelming joy. It was clear that this was something for which they had been waiting a lifetime. Afterward, I think SIL was literally floating out of that courthouse. Her elation made me all the more teary. BIL held his baby girl proudly on his arm. Both of them were beaming.

Oh man I am so, so happy for them.

There have been other times when I've been fortunate enough to witness that joy, but I have to admit that seeing this type of emotion isn't as common as I'd expect. Sure I've seen plenty of happiness, but this was something different.

This was more.

It was a couple who had been matched, through a series of incredible circumstances, with a baby even though they were no longer actively looking.

It was a couple who had truly given up on this ever happening, who had resigned themselves to never being able to have a child of their own.

Today, because an amazing blessing of fate, I literally witnessed a dream come true.

Tomorrow

So excited for tomorrow. My in-laws are finally getting the chance to finalize the adoption of their little girl. They got the news yesterday afternoon. With only two days notice, we've all been scrambling trying to make the day a nice celebration.

Court date in the late afternoon.

Family (which includes the baby's birth family) dinner and celebration afterward.

Lots and lots of pictures.

Lots and lots of very happy people.

Doesn't it all sound perfect?!

It's kind of silly that I get so emotional when I think about their adoption finalizing, but I do. I almost can't even talk about it without tearing up. The idea of them getting their much wanted, much dreamed about baby after nearly twenty years of waiting makes my heart nearly burst for them.

I said it when I first wrote about this, but I'm saying it again. Sometimes, the universe just gets it right.

4 Years

The boys are in the early stage of a cold. Jack was fussy on Tuesday. I tried hard to believe that the runny nose he developed yesterday was "just" a teething symptom and nothing more. Sadly, Ja.son and Sh.awn woke up with stuffy noses today. I know they aren't teething, so there goes the hope that whatever this is was going to blow over quickly. Plus, Ja.son is also laying with a tub next to him as his tummy feels yucky.

Sigh. I guess the hour I spent sanitizing all of their toys after the party wasn't enough. I should have acted on my impulse to send away the 2 kids with runny noses at the party.

Them being sick could be considered a manifestation of my inner turmoil. Somehow I've managed to create a situation where I (and the boys) are suffering on the outside, like I am suffering on the inside, right?

Bleh.

Today is my dad's birthday.

We held his service on this day 4 years ago.

He's been on my mind lately...I've even cried a few times over the last few days. Once was even over pulling out the ping pong table for the party - it hit me that the last time we had used it was the last time he was at our house.

That thought hit out of the blue and has been hard to shake.

I was going to try to go out for lunch with my sister-friends today. Not sure if that will happen now. That makes me feel even sadder than I already was.