Doom Visit (PG Update)

I had another Dr. Doom visit today, only the "funny" part is that Doom is on vacation, so I just met with the tech and the u/s wand. (The wand and I are old buddies at this point. Sigh.) You wouldn't believe how much more relaxed that office is with Doom gone. Talk about a night and day experience. Apparently I am not the only one who gets this not so pleasant feeling from him.

I do have to admit that I was again very nervous to go today. I haven't had the chance to rest as much as I had been. The holidays have been crazy, and I was torn between the desire to make the holidays as great as possible for the boys and making sure I was taking care of Baby Lo. It was hard for me to balance. (Um, a sign of what's to come no doubt.)

Plus, I had been having these strange, though infrequent, pains. I couldn't exactly pinpoint where the pain was coming from except that it was in the area that could be my cervix. Each one would set off a panic. Ugh.

I just knew that my time of freedom would be long gone after this visit.

Thankfully, there was NO CHANGE in my cervix from the last appointment to this one! Can we all cheer now?!!? Maybe my body is actually going to do its thing and keep Baby Lo in for the long haul. Dare I hope? Whoa. Still focused on 32 weeks as goal #1, though.

Anyway, Baby Lo was looking good. He's measuring at 2 pounds 2 ounces, which is still following his big growth curve. (Here is a cool growth average chart. For reference, I am 25 weeks and 2 days. The boys were 2 lbs 15 ounces at 28 weeks 3 days.) Amniotic fluid looks great. His right kidney is still a bit enlarged, but not alarmingly so. They still just think it is likely no issue. Boys just sometimes do this kind of thing.

Whatever. They're not concerned, so I won't be on this point. (Who said that? Me not worry about something. Go figure! Lol.)

I don't go back for 3 weeks. Which.Will.Put.Me.At.28!Weeks!5!Days!

In other words, if all goes as planned I will make it beyond the point I delivered the boys (28w3d) with NO "official" BED REST! (knock knock, spit, throw salt, etc. I don't want to jinx myself!)

Holla!

I didn't get any great shots of Baby Lo (still no name, I'm not holding out on you) this appointment. I did however get an awesome shot of him at the last appointment. Without further ado, meet little Baby Lo...

Isn't he just awesome! :-) I am not sure which of the boys he looks more like.

Shawn:

Jason trying to make off with Shawn's nose:

I am just so happy right now I can pop!

My Worst Gift Ever

Thank you so much for all the advice and the commiseration on my last post. It does make me feel so much better to know that I am not the only one to struggle with what seems like typical three year old behavior. (It is typical, right?) I am still looking for more words of wisdom if you've got any.

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I think I have finally managed to get most everything on my shopping list. I have a few things still on their way from Am.azon, which should be here tomorrow. I do have to pick up something for my mom tomorrow as well. Then I will be officially done.

Whew.

I am not usually someone to put this kind of thing off until the last minute like this. I think being sick at the start of this month messed with my head. Before I knew it, half the month was gone! I am still not sure where that time went. I guess I flushed it, along with the stupid stone. Sigh.

Anyway, all this last minute craziness and worry over whether people will actually like the gifts I did get for them has got me thinking about things I have received over the years. I was talking to Is.aac about it early this evening and we got to laughing about what we've dubbed my worst gift ever.

It came from Is.aac even.

My husband is hit and miss with gift giving. Some years, he'll go over the top and buy all kinds of wonderful things for me. (Like the best gift he ever gave me--my laptop. OMG I love this thing.) There are times, though, that he just doesn't do anything for a particular holiday...no card, no acknowledgement...nothing at all. I have taken to specifically telling him that I expect a gift this year. It takes a little something from the surprise, but oh well.

We had been dating for 8 years or so for this particular Christmas. I was getting older-I was 25--and was ready to finally get married. We talked about marriage a few times, but I knew that he was hesitant about it.

Imagine my delighted surprise when he showed up to my house Christmas morning with a beautifully wrapped jewelry box. I was so excited! My mind raced to all kinds of daydreams of summer ceremonies and twinkling diamonds. My mom even gave me a few knowing winks when she saw the box.

I thought for sure he was finally going to propose after the three hundred years we had been dating!

I had saved his gift for last, savoring the expectation. I carefully pulled back the bow, peeled the tape on the silver paper, and exposed the unmarked jewelry box.

My hands were shaking as I opened the tiny box only to find...

wait for it...

a pager.

Uh huh. A turquoise see-through pager a la the early 1990's.

I looked over at him. He sat there smiling at me. He was clearly proud of his gift buying efforts.

Meanwhile, I was fighting back tears of disappointment. I tried to play off that I was happy for the gift even though I was devastated I didn't actually get a ring.*

It was horrible! Every time that thing buzzed at me, I cringed. Ugh. I hated it so. I was so glad when cell phones finally started to take off and I could "trade" my pager in for a phone.

In all honesty, I can laugh about it now. It took a while for me to get to that point, but I can. Sigh. It just goes to show you how truly hopeless men (or my man) can be sometimes.

So what about you? What was your worst gift ever? Was it from your husband/significant other or someone else? I'd love to know. Is.aac does, too! :-)


*Sadly, the ring didn't come for another 5 years, but at least he had learned enough to not wrap anything in a jewelry box if it wasn't going to be actual JEWELRY! Jeez.

The Fight

Someone once told me just after I brought the boys home from the hospital that NICU survivors can be a handful. "Once a fighter, always a fighter," she told me. "The more they prove they can fight while they're in the NICU, the more challenging things can become when they grow up." She talked a little about her 9 year old daughter, a 26 weeker, and how hard headed she is. At the time, I thought she was crazy. Maybe she was having issues because of how she raised her little girl? I certainly wouldn't have the same types of problems she had with my boys. (Ha! Yes, feel free to laugh at my naivete. I apparently like to eat my thoughts.)

I've had that quote play around in my head from time to time over the years. Sure, I've even said it to myself out loud on the occasions when one or the other of the boys tested my patience. I don't think I ever really believed that I would have an issue with my little fighters. Some days were harder than others, but there was always enough light in the day to make it all okay.

If anything, I was only incredibly PROUD of the fight my boys put forth in their early days. They make my heart swell with pride as I watch them continue to knock down any boundaries or limitations in their paths today.

But now? I think I am starting to understand what she was talking about back then.

That fight that was essential to their survival and growth is now just plain frustrating. OMG is it frustrating. Everything has turned into a battle of wills, most especially when it comes to my sweet, little Sh.awn.*

Oh this boy is tough.

If I want him to do A, he'll refuse and insist on doing B. If I try to hurry him or redirect him or get him to do ANYTHING he didn't think about doing all by his lonesome, things get Ugly. I do mean Ugly.

I am trying very hard to not get sucked into his temper tantrums and frustrations.

I try very hard to stay a step ahead of him and figure out ways to allow us both to get what we want. (Like arranging situations where he thinks something is his idea even though it was really just how I needed it to be. I can thank my junior high experience for helping with this.)

I am trying very hard to be consistent with consequences in regards to discipline. I think I am. (Seriously, if you saw the woman in Tar.get today with her crying child sitting on the edge of the bottom shelf in a time out because he had thrown his glasses yet again, that was me. And why did he throw his glasses--under another customer's cart, mind you? He was pissed when the cart he was riding in did not turn right down the aisle like he insisted. Ahem.)

But dude. There is never a moment's peace.

I am tired.

I love his independence.

I love his determination.

I definitely want him to push--to want for more. I believe it is the single most important thing contributing to his incredible gains. I don't want him to lose this trait that is clearly helping him thrive.

But...

I somehow need to teach him (them) that there are times for fighting and times for not, and I can't quite wrap my mind on how to go about teaching that lesson effectively.

I am hitting the wall.

Is this just a stage that kids go through? That? Will? End?

Hopefully?

Any suggestions on what can help?


*That's not to say that Ja.son is Mr. Angel and never throws a fit. Right now, though, he's quite content to sit back and watch the Sh.awn show. I am hoping that by being consistent with Sh.awn, I am also showing Ja.son the expectations and boundaries that he is expected to follow. Probably, though, he is just biding his time until Sh.awn starts to calm and then he can take over.

900

This is blog post 900. Wow. Three and a half years of my life summed up in those 900 little entries.

So many posts.

Such a wild ride. The highest of highs...the lowest of lows are not so neatly wrapped together with the bow of this blog.

It's mind boggling, really.

This little blog has been a lifesaver for me, and so have all of you. Thank you for reading and supporting me through all that life has been over these last few years!

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I wanted to post something really cool to commemorate the milestone. In the long run, I prevented myself from saying anything, because let's face it, I am far from cool. :-) But...

Speaking of milestones, we've reached viability, baby! Woooowhoooo! I am 24 weeks today and not on bed rest. Yeah! My cervix is "nice and long" and closed. The cerclage continues to do its job. Double yeah! The Baby Lo is healthy, kicking like crazy. Triple yeah! I am doing fairly well with holding all the negative thoughts and fears at bay, too.

All looks really good with this pregnancy so far. That is all I can ask for at the moment.

Doom Update

I think I am finally on the mend. I know I keep saying that, but dude. Crap keeps popping up out of nowhere.

Take, for instance, my little rendezvous with IBS Wednesday night. I was up all night long every 15 to 20 minutes. Seriously. It was all night long. Plus, for fun I added in the bonus of throwing up while I was at it. Ugh.

Anyway, I was a bit out of it yesterday. Today I am feeling almost back to myself. My stamina is shot, but I'll get that back soon enough. Yeah.

I had a Doom visit today. Again, I was a bit thrown by the fact that it went well. I told them about the kidney stone/IBS drama, so we were all prepared to see some noticeable shortening of my cervix with all of the pain and strain I've been under. Surprisingly, it had only shortened 0.1mm! Whoot. All still looks good with the cerclage.

Baby Lo looked great. He was actually facing up (rather than toward my spine) so we got some great 3D shots of his face. (I'll post a pic soon.) His heart and brain still look awesome. One of his kidneys was slightly enlarged, but I am told that for boys that is common and usually amounts to nothing to worry about--we'll just keep an eye on it for the time being.

He's weighing 1 pound 8 ounces! Um, I am only 23 weeks tomorrow. (He is a BIG boy!)

I go back to Doom on the 27th for another cervix check.

So far, so good! Someone pinch me! :-)

P.S. I did a Flashback Friday post on the boys' blog. I can't believe how big they are now compared to then. It still amazes me!

Theory #1 Is the Winner

There were still trace amounts of blood in my urine today, but Monday's culture came back clear for bacteria. That along with a lot less (although not gone) pain in my back makes the OB believe that it was a stone that I passed this weekend.

The hope is the worst is behind me. I call back if the pain returns or I bleed red again. I don't plan on either happening.

I don't like that all this boils down to guess work. It makes me feel like I was imagining things. I am solid proof kind of girl.

Sigh.

Whatever. Onward and upward is the new motto. I have decided this was the LAST drama I will have to deal with before Baby Lo makes his appearance.

Are we all in agreement in that?

Just to keep things fun, though, I see Doom this Friday.

So Much For Answers

The "unofficial" conclusion of the tech was that there were no stones, blockages, or indication of infection in my kidneys. I still have to go back to my OB tomorrow to get official results from the ultrasound. They'll also check my urine again to see if there is still blood.

Of note, my bladder was super slow fill even after 16 ounces of water and an hour and a half wait. (The exact words were, "That is strange.") This is the same bladder that filled to maximum capacity in ten seconds flat while doing the last transfer. (The tech thought that I knew what my bladder usually looked like full was odd. Doesn't everyone?) Don't know what is up with that. Could it be that something is going on with my bladder? Hm.

Also of note was that I was supposed to have a full bladder in the first place rather than the 'no eat or drink for 6 hours prior' directions I was given. Basically I starved myself for no reason. Grr.

New theories:

1) I passed the stone sometime between Saturday (when I started bleeding) and yesterday. I only felt pain on Saturday night, and I still wouldn't describe the pain as excruciating like everyone says it is. I can't imagine that I have that high of a tolerance to pain. Plus, not sure why that would leave moderate amounts of blood in my urine sample on Monday. The good news is that I am not spotting today.

2) It is a bladder infection which is not being cleared by this type of antibiotics I am currently taking. Still waiting for yesterday's urine culture to come back. But, that still doesn't explain why the first sample last week was clear. Perhaps because I caught this thing early?

3) I'm bleeding somewhere else. I don't want to think about that one.

3) I am crazy. Personally, I am starting to think this one is more likely the answer. Sigh.

So that is where things stand right now. Basically, I learned a whole lot of nothing today.

L&D Visit Recap

Well...

Saturday night was awful.

They took a urine sample and found trace amounts of blood in it. That led them to believe the same theory as my OB--it's either a bladder infection or a kidney stone. I was hooked up to an IV to hydrate me and was given a dose of IV antibiotics.

The fun part came in to play when they asked me my pain level. I said 4 out of 10. The pain was worse than it had been up to then. That number apparently gives you pain meds. Who knew?

I was given sta.dol. OMG. It was the worst drug. I swear I started hallucinating. Any time Is.aac would move, the color of the entire room changed. I broke out into a sweat and felt like I was burning up. Plus, I thought the nurse was trying to kill me. I didn't want her to touch me! It was that bad.

I was like that for a while, before the vomiting set in. Ugh. The nurse finally got the OB on call to order me some zo.fran so I could stop.

Throughout the entire ordeal, the baby rocked the monitor and kicked that sucker like there was no tomorrow. Somehow, both of our vitals stayed regular (I can't see how it could have for me, but Is.aac swears they did.)

I didn't have any contractions register on the monitor, but I believe it they put it on the high side of my uterus, and all of the cramping I was having was down low. Whatever.

We were sent home about 4 hours later. I have to say I left the hospital feeling much worse than I did when I went in.

Yesterday I spent the day sleeping.

Today, I called my OB to just have a follow up. I am still occasionally spotting, which is not okay with me.

I don't know if I feel better or not. Maybe I do? My back still bugs me, but the rest of me feels better. I think. Sigh.

However, at the OB's office this afternoon, they found a moderate amount of blood in my urine. Something is clearly not right.

I landed myself a stat u/s tomorrow to check for kidney stones. The OB wants to try to rule that out. He is back to thinking it is an infection, but my last urine analysis came back clear. He did say they're sending today's sample out, too, to see if that has changed.

Fun times.

home. baby okay. i am mostly okay. from infection/kidney. drugged. update when I feel better...'

Ten minutes after I posted the last entry, I got up to use the restroom. Found blood. Called the dr. and was told to count kicks (he's kicking like crazy) and asked if I was cramping. Yes, I am. We are heading to L&D once my BIL and SIL get here.

Hoping this is the stone moving and nothing more sinister.

Scared.

There's a Jumbled Mess In My Mind

The last few days have been physically and emotionally draining to say the least.

Kidney stones are no fun at all. I think I am finally feeling better. (Oh, please let me be on the upswing.) Let's just leave it at that.

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The service was...very, very hard and affected us both deeply. So much so, that we've only been able to talk about it in very small spurts between the two of us. I don't know how to explain it, but we have agreed that we both felt as if we were living through what our alternate universe very likely was. No.ah was 4 months old. When Sh.awn was struggling so with his surgeries, he was so was 5 months old--incredibly close in size and in age. Too close.

No.ah's mother's pain tears at me. My heart physically hurts for her and will continue to for some time I am sure. I talked to her briefly a few times. She pulled out the journal I had given her right after the boys were born. She carefully showed me a few of her entries...and my heart shattered even more. She said it is her most treasured gift.

She is such a strong person, filled with faith and beauty within. Seeing the testament to her love for her boy on those pages was proof.

I know she doesn't even realize that yet, but oh my goodness she is.

She regularly apologizes to everyone for her tears. Sees them as weakness. If only she could see that they are not weakness. Each one is filled with only strength and love.

I gave her this quote on a sheet of paper the last time I saw her:

'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.” --Washington Irving

I hope can she see the truth in it.

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Ugh. I wish I could figure all of these emotions swirling around in my head. My thoughts are still too jumbled to make any sense of it all.

Station Break

I'll get back to the deep thinking tomorrow.

Well, I had to go back to the OB. The good news is I can pee now. Yeah. The bad news is that I likely have a teeeny, tiiiiiiiny, ittty, bitty kidney stone.

You know what else? For me, drinking the butt load of water the doctor has told me to drink has made the pain a bit more...um, intense, although still manageable. No pain meds needed at this time. (But I am worried about the actual passing the stone stage if that is really what is going on here!)

Not fun.

At least I feel justified in staying home from work for the last three days. I really did have a reason! (And why do I always second guess that what I am feeling is legitimate?)

I do have to try to go in to work tomorrow. I am thinking that should be interesting experience. With all the water I've been drinking, I have to pee every 5 seconds--not exactly easy to manage when you have to be in the same room for 53 minutes at a time.

Plus, tomorrow night is the viewing/rosary for baby No.ah.