The Beginning of the End

Six years ago tomorrow, we were celebrating our first really good beta. On Mother's Day two days later, we learned that the beta more than doubled. That positive brought us our boys.

Tonight I marked the anniversary by starting my period, which as if the ultrasound wasn't enough, removes all hope about the possibility of viability. There is no mistaking that this is the end of a much wanted and longed for "miracle" pregnancy.

Sigh.

I am so angry at the universe...at my body. All I want to do is crawl into my head and throw a tantrum of epic proportion, one full of kicking and hitting until my muscles ache and screaming until my throat is raw. But I don't have that luxury. There are three little people to raise. Work to do. Important school meetings to attend. Holidays to celebrate.

I feel so broken.

This one is hard.

I Don't Understand

No change in growth from last scan. Not viable.

I'm just...

Yeah.

Neurotic Much?

Why yes, yes I am.

I am a freaking neurotic, crazy woman on the edge. (If you don't want to read my rambling thoughts on this pregnancy, I totally get it.)

~~~

The OB called me yesterday to say they finally got my "stat" beta results. I was at work, so they left a message saying my levels were "about 1400" which is "about" where we'd expect it to be at this point in pregnancy. They want me to do a second beta on Monday. Even if it was "stat" again, they'd likely not get results until after the ultrasound anyway. At this point in the game, it is going to be the ultrasound that really tells us anything.

I was doing so good before they told me that stupid number. I wasn't even going to ask, which is SOOO not like me. I will admit to going a little crazy once I had it.

It's started with trying to pinpoint conception so I can compare the ultrasound results to the dates. There is no clear answer.

January - cycle was 25 days
February - cycle was 28 days
February (again) - cycle was 25 days
March - cycle was 27 days

So how long would April's cycle have been? Somewhere between 25 to 28 days, which in my head, can make all the difference about the possibility of this ending well.

I am clear on when we had sex. It was one of those crazy, busy months, so we only had sex twice, on the 4th and 5th (cds 10 and 11).

The ultrasound said I measured as 4 weeks, 6 days on 4/29.

If I ovulated on day 14, that would have made conception three full days after we had sex. Would that be possible? By that date, I would have been on cd 35 when I had the u/s (28 days +7 = 5 weeks, making the embie 1 day behind).

If I ovulated on day 11 (for the 25 day cycle), that was the day we had sex. So, that makes the embryo 4 days behind. (25 days + 10 = 5 weeks, 3 days) Not good, especially when I was pregnant with the boys, they always measured ahead.

It could also be that the tech was off the slightest bit and the whole thing is moot.

(As an aside, they made me sign a paper stating that I knew I was going to have a vaginal ultrasound. Um, are people that weirded out by vaginal ultrasounds that they need to make me sign a form saying I understand they are going to put something in my vagina? It was odd.)

Then I moved on to the beta number.

If I ovulated on day 14, the beta was done 21dpo  = "about" 1400 (Calculating back to 14dpo by dividing by half every 48 hours, it would have been about 85.)

If I ovulated on day 11, the beta was 24dpo = which looks bleaker.

I went back and compared this number to Jack's beta. At 14dpo it was 99. At 21dpo it was 1455. Those numbers are a little more reassuring at least.

Do you see why I am crazy? This all started because they gave me that stupid number in the first place. Now they want me to do another one. I can't take it.

What are your thoughts, oh wise Internets?

~~~

I have not bled any more since Thursday. Good news.

I have been crampy since then. I tried to throw up today. Also good news, I guess.

I am tired as hell.

I have a pooch already, so clearly my body thinks something is happening.

Sigh. Someone needs to put me out of my misery until Wednesday afternoon at 4. I'd appreciate it.

5 more days until the ultrasound.

Desperately

There's a huge fire not far from us. A small spark in the morning had turned our sky an eerie shade of orange by ten o'clock. The air was thick with smoke and ash for a few hours before the wind shifted and carried it out over the ocean for the rest of the afternoon. Friends were evacuated from their homes. Is.aac watched the fire front move across the mountain from his office windows at work.

It took just a tiny spark to ignite a raging inferno that's only about 10% contained. So far, no houses have been destroyed, thankfully, but I worry what the day will bring when the winds pick back up in the morning.

~~~~

I've tried to shield myself from thinking too much about what is happening right now. I had the misguided belief that if I didn't get too attached, I wouldn't shatter completely should things not go well.

Then I saw that little sac. A spark was ignited deep in my heart.

I've caught myself several times since then daydreaming about the possibility. Clearly, hope has entered the picture.

That made finding the pink on my toilet paper this afternoon even more devastating.

As much as I tried not to, I desperately want things to work. I started to believe in the crazy, mind-blowing miracle that this is. Surely, after all of this, fate wouldn't be cruel enough to take it back. Would it?

Yes. Yes it would.

I'm not naive enough to think that things will go a certain way simply because I want them to.

Oh, how badly I want everything to go our way.

The spotting has stopped. I was straining during a bowel movement when it happened. (Sorry tmi. Good god I have no shame!) Pink tinged mucus quickly transitioned to a small amount of brown blood. Then nothing for the rest of the evening.

It doesn't really matter how much was there; any blood was enough to sending me spiraling to a dark place.

I've had it go both ways. Spotting meant nothing in two pregnancies. Spotting meant everything in three pregnancies. I guess only time will tell for sure. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a lot freaked out by this. Sigh.

I can't decide if I'd rather live in this uncertainty a while longer and be able to bask in the idea of another baby, or just have it all be done if that's how things are going to be.

7 days until the cardiac activity scan. Please let this little bean be still going strong then.

It's There!

It's there. Measuring 4 weeks 6 days-a few days behind what I thought, but I've been assured still well within normal.

Shocked and so, so grateful!

Answers Soon

Scan is scheduled for 1:45. I do have some tenderness on the side where my tube is. Could be bad news or simply a cyst. The sensitivity on side freaked the office out enough that they want me in right away for a scan.

Waiting for hcg blood draw now. Results are supposed to be stat. We shall see, but I doubt it will be as speedy as the RE's office even as stat.

I go back to the OB after the scan. They hope to have hcg results by then, too.

I'm a bit teary about the thought of maybe not having our miracle at the end of this.

Should all go well at the scan, I'll start Lovenox, baby aspirin, folgard (I'm taking folic acid now), and prenatals.

Please keep everything crossed for us. We can use it.

Surreal

As much as I had hoped for this, in all reality, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would happen. Let's face it, you can hope every month forever, have lots of sex (which after 9 years there have been plenty of chances), and never get pregnant. I really believed that it would take going back to the RE for this to happen, only I couldn't justify the expense when we now have three boys. In my heart I was trying to let the dream go.

I expected my period on my birthday. I was crampy and achy and my boobs were killing me. It felt like I would start at any moment. When I didn't that day, and the cramps, aches, and boob tenderness continued, I just thought that my cycle would be on the longer side this month. No biggie. My cycles fluctuate between 25 and 28 days. Surely, I'd start on Monday.

Monday came and went with nothing.

I still was not thinking much of it. I felt like I was on the verge of starting any minute. I figured my body was just going to be difficult. While I was out at Target, I decided to buy some tests.

For me, the quickest way to bring on my period is to take a test.

I dipped the stick and set it down on the counter. I watched to make sure the fluid started to fill the test window before I left. I thought it was strange when a line appeared almost instantly. I flipped the test over. That line should be at the back.

Then a second line appeared.

What?the?fuck?

I started shaking. All I could do was stare at those little lines as they darkened and widened before me. I finally pulled an old test out of the cabinet to compare it to what I had in front of me...

and just about lost my shit. I burst into tears.

How could this be?

I called Is.aac to the bathroom. I said something (I have no idea what) before I handed it to him.

"What does this mean?" he asked.

Boy, isn't that the question of the hour.

I have an appointment with my OB on Monday at 10. I told them I was concerned about ectopic. I will get blood work and an appointment for a scan then. So ...

I'm still in shock.

I still have no idea if this will even be viable in the long run.

I'm worried if it is viable because holy hell. I'm old. I wasn't taking prenatals or folic acid. We have so much on our plates now. Bed rest? Work? Child care? Where would we put a baby?

I don't know. There's so much to think about.

Still, we're both just amazed that the universe perfectly aligned so this could happen in the first place.

It's so very surreal.

*I typed this on my phone while at work. No proofreading or spell check. Sorry.

Holy Shit.

My mind has been blown.

Seriously.

I am in a total state of disbelief.

9 years of no birth control.

7.5 IVF's.

Thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars spent.

And I get this today.

This was taken after about 30 seconds.
At the three minute mark, the lines were pretty
much the same intensity and thickness.
Maybe somewhere around 18-20 dpo?

Shocked doesn't even begin to describe how I am feeling right now.

I am concerned that this may not end well.

I don't know if that line represents beautifully doubling betas or if it is the downward spiral of a chemical.

There is also the risk of ectopic with my only tube the way it is?...was?

Fear is my overwhelming emotion right now. A glimmer of excitement is there, too.

Whoa.

Thank you for the positive wishes for my neighbor's baby.

Baby No.ah has started dialysis, but not until after his parents were give the sickening option of pulling all support and "letting him pass in peace." Without trying anything.

Fortunately, when they pushed for dialysis, No.ah was moved to the Children's Hospital we use. He started dialysis and is doing worlds better in such a short time. He has also been placed on the transplant list.

While No.ah has several birth defects (PDA, kid.ney failure, clubbed foot), his family has always been told from the start that these issues are "fixable" and it is highly possible to life a fairly "normal" life. (What is "normal" anyway? I hate that term.) Suggesting that they remove support for No.ah has shaken them deeply. As you can imagine, they are now agonizing even more about whether they are making the best decisions for their baby.

Sigh.

The medical community can be so...challenging to navigate through.

---

Tomorrow (Thursday) is my next ultrasound.

Please let there still be a strong heart beat....

Last night, I didn't set my PIO shot up before I got in bed. Is.aac has been coming to bed later than me and sort of wakes me up to give me shots. Anyway, he came in to get ready for bed and woke me to ask where the shot was. I told him why bother. He prepared the shot himself and gave it to me anyway.

But have I asked him his feelings about what we'll find on Sunday? No. I can't bring myself to. He hasn't brought it up either so we haven't said a single word since the appointment about what is going on. It has been thirty-six hours and nothing has been said.

Uncomfortable much?

I am doing everything I can to make sure that if the bean is fighting in here, he'll have a chance. I so want to go in there on Sunday and find a heartbeat. Please let there be a heartbeat. Let everything look wonderful and just as it should so I no longer have to worry about my bean. Please.

It is hard to say that because I KNOW I am just setting myself up once again for more pain. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and go on some sort of wild drinking binge (except I don't drink) because only when I do everything I shouldn't and potentially harm the bean would he be there on Sunday. Doing what I am supposed to do practically guarantees that I won't see the thing I want most that day. Does that make sense? My life is screwy that way. Sigh.

The day of my first beta was a therapy day. The nurse called to tell me the beta number and shortly afterward the RE called to talk to me, too. It was very obvious that something was up because not only does no one ever call me during therapy, but even I knew I was acting strange. I confessed to the therapist that I just may be pregnant. (she has a preemie that is the same age as the boys' adjusted age and has been trying for quite some time for number 2) Anyway, she confessed that she was 2 days late. We talked about how the competition is on to see who can stay pregnant longer (no preemies for us!) and pledged that we'd get uncomplicated pregnancies this time. You know, should betas double and she never get her period.

Last week I didn't see her. We had canceled therapy because I was supposed to be out of town. Today, she called and said she was running late, but she was on her way. No problem I tell her, I'd see her soon. Five minutes later, she called back. She said she had to go to the doctor right now and was cancelling. My heart sank. By the tone of her voice I just have this fear that something has gone wrong with her pregnancy, too. It just isn't fair.

I have to tell you that it is hard to wallow in self pity when there are so many other people you know of who are hurting, too.

Should there not be a heartbeat on Sunday, I will be crushed. I will cry. I will rage. But, I will pick myself up and try again. That is what I do. That is what everyone must do.

It isn't fun, and it isn't easy, but it has to be done anyway.

18dpo

Well slap my ass and call me Sally.

I just might be pregnant.

Holy shit.

Ultrasound scheduled on August 6th at 10:30.

I think I am in shock!

Shaking.

Tearing up!

Imagine that?!!?











...and the beta was 657.

According to the beta calculator, Doubling time =1.48 days.

Oh. My. God.

(the boys were 590 at 17dpo FYI - their Doubling time was 1.87 days)

Holy shit.