Friday Night Leftovers

I am flying solo with the boys this weekend. Is.aac left Thursday night for a fun time with his friend in Las Vegas. (I find it a tad funny that it rained hard enough to create a flash flood down the strip this afternoon. It's almost as if the universe is having a little "fun" with him.)

All in all things are going okay so far except for the 4:15 am wakeup by Sh.awn because he had peed his bed. Sigh. I should have known better because I couldn't get him to pee before he went to bed, but what can you do? Besides he had only peed in his bed during the night one time and that had been months ago. It figures he does it again on a night when Is.aac wasn't here to help.

I am going to take him to the potty before I go to bed tonight because of course he didn't pee before bed tonight either. I'll try anything to avoid another repeat of last night's performance. It took me over an hour to fall back asleep after I got back in bed.

~~~

I took the big boys to an impromptu pediatrician meet and greet on Thursday. Actually it was the pediatrician our old pedi referred us to. I wasn't exactly looking for more appointments to do, but we needed to get an authorization for one of the specialist appointments I'd like to arrange (appointment #32 of the summer), and they wouldn't do it without talking to us first.

I think the new pedi was taken aback when I whipped out our medical cheat sheets on each boy (size 11 font, single spaced = 1 full page for Ja.son and 1.5 pages for Sh.awn. As an aside, typing out Sh.awn's surgery history just makes me want to cry. My poor baby). Her physician's assistant said they couldn't find the boys' files that were sent over from the old pedi. Their jaws hit the floor when I pulled out our copies of their files. Is that not common? lol. Anywho, they made copies of a few things for their files while they tried to locate the ones that were sent over and have already requested the authorization yesterday. Score.

The doctor herself seemed fine enough. She was youngish, which I appreciated as most of our other doctors are older men (or assholes when my hands are tied and can't get in to who I want). She had high ratings for customer satisfaction when I researched her. She asked intelligent and relevant questions about the boys' histories and didn't seem freaked out by them or their histories. She also related well to both of them when she talked to them.

It looks like we'll stay with her. Having the pediatrician hunt over for the time being is a huge relief.

~~~

AF is due tomorrow. On Monday and Tuesday I had some pretty intense uterine activity. Familiar, something is up kind of cramping.

I tested with a very light positive on Tuesday night. I got another very faint positive on Wednesday. Yesterday it was even fainter.

Today, there was no line. On either test I took.

So, what does that mean? I guess it could mean that I was unlucky enough to get a hold of a couple of bad tests. I guess it could also mean that something tried to happen but didn't get very far.

I'm bummed.

My head is having trouble wrapping around why I am getting positives all of a sudden. After all that time, struggle, and money...why now? From plain old sex even. Don't get me wrong, I would love for this trend to continue and actually get a healthy take home baby out of it. I just don't understand it.

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Our trip is coming up next week. We'll be gone three nights and four days. Yikes. The details I need to make sure are covered are sort of freaking me out. I'm trying not to think about it to much until I actually start packing, though. (Procrastination is my middle name.)

~~~

Before we leave, though, we are going to have the weekly therapy session at the local bowling alley. It should make for an interesting experience to say the least!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

What's Going On

• AF has arrived and nearly departed. I must say that I am loving the new innards. LOV-ING. I had one day of mild cramping and that is it. It is so nice! For anyone who cares, I am on CD6 today.
• Of course, the day before AF I got yet another single line on a pregnancy test. The time is ticking away..."If it's going to happen, it will likely happen in the next three to six months." I am trying to remember that there is still a chance, but damn if that isn't hard.
• We've decided to go for our next round of IVF in late June/early July. Please let this be the one that sticks and brings a healthy, happy baby at the end.
• I've had another heart attack thinking about money and how to pay for said IVF in June/July. The total we've paid for 5 fresh cycles and 2 FETs (with no insurance coverage) blows my mind--and not in a good way. It is just plain sad.
• It is state testing week at my school. I can't tell you how incredibly boring it is to watch 35 teenagers bubble in answers for 3 hours. I am slowly losing my life force, it is that bad. The worst part is keeping 28 teenagers quiet for two hours because they whizzed through the questions in ten minutes flat while the last few students finish. It doesn't help that I've been testing the most challenging class I have. (Our testing period is from 8:20 to 11:40 every day this week.) I've been leaving school spent every day.
• My mom is feeling better, thankfully, but she isn't one hundred percent back to her old self. She went to see a chiropractor that "specializes" in vertigo. The doctor wants to do 28 sessions to help get her back to her old self. For $2400. I nearly flipped out. And she wants the money up front. The warning bells are ringing in my head, telling me to get my mom away from this quack, so now I am scrambling to find her another chiropractor/acupuncturist for her to see for a second opinion.
• Saturday is my half marathon. I am still wondering how the heck I got myself into this. I know I can do it, though. (I've even trained for it!) Pictures to come soon. :-)

One of Those Days

Today has been one of those days. It is so hard to be optimistic and hopeful. The all consuming emotions of trying to cycle have completely overwhelmed me. I am just so, so tired of it all.

I've been waiting all day for the results of today's blood draw. I went in at 9 am this morning, but didn't get the results until I called a little bit ago. It is so frustrating. E2 was 155 today-lower, but not low enough to start. (Does anyone else see the irony here? I have to have my levels low, yet all they are going to do is put me back on fucking estrogen to increase my levels. It is all so stupid.) And now, after all this hurry up and wait, I have to go back on Monday for a scan and more blood work while we try to chase the estrogen levels down low enough before we start increasing them again.

It is getting hard to justify all the time I am missing from work. It is getting harder and harder to come up with vague reasons for all the time I'm gone. I am feeling guilty about it, but I can't figure out what else to do.

Maybe all of this is a sign that this is not the right month. Maybe this is telling me to stop and breathe. Maybe when it is the right time to cycle, it shouldn't be this...hard.

So, I called the clinic back and told them I am pulling out this month. I clarified with them about what I'll be able to do or not do in December, and it seems that I should be able to do blood work and scans (even if the blood work is somewhere else if need be), I just won't be able to get to the embryos until after January 5th. That is fine. I wouldn't be ready to transfer before that time anyway.

Theoretically I'll be able to get a few scans/blood draws done while I am on my two week break. I won't have to miss work for them. I can make Is.aac meet me in the parking lot to watch the boys while I go in. No lying. No guilt. No harm. No foul.

It is neat little package, right?

Too bad my heart can't see that.

Today I am sad about all of this. This is the song that I heard going to the clinic today. It's been on my mind ever since.

The Climb by: Alexander, J; Mabe, J

"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't It's about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa"

Tomorrow I'll pick myself up and move on. Tonight I'm just going to sing my song and be sad.


.

"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right." Still singing...still hoping.

Scan and day 2 blood work tomorrow at 9:30. We shall see.