IVF #5

Had my scan today. All is well and things are quiet. Lining is thin like they want it. Did blood work. Waiting for the results. We are looking for estrogen to be over 25. If it isn't, I go back on Monday for another test. They want the estrogen to be over 25 to show that my ovaries are "no longer resting" and are ready to stim. (Whatever. This part is new.) Updated: My estrogen level was 23. I couldn't get just 2 more so I would be free of blood work. Oh, no. Not me. I go in on Friday for a repeat blood draw. Sigh!


GnRH Antagonist Cycle Calendar:

Wed 6/30 - take last of my BCP (Dude. These things suck.)

Mon 7/5 - Start stims: 300 Gonal F in the mornings & 2 vials of Menopur in the evening; also start Dexamethasone at bedtime; baby aspirin daily; folgard daily; both of us will take a 7 day course of doxycycline 2 times a day.

7/7 - monitoring appointment

7/10 - monitoring appointment

7/12 - stop doxycycline

7/13 - monitoring appointment; tentative trigger date

7/15 ish - tentative date for retrieval

7/20 - tentative date for transfer

7/30 - tentative date for beta

The meds prescription has been sent to the pharmacy. I'll hear from them today. (Interesting tidbit: Some of my meds should be covered by insurance, so I'll only have to pay $10. The snag is that my new insurance plan starts tomorrow. I don't yet have insurance cards. You can see how this should be fun, right?) I'll probably have a heart attack with the bill. I haven't used that much gonal before. Sigh. Updated: That $4000 we saved thanks to the RE? Well, it almost covered most of the meds. Dude. I almost had a heart attack when they quoted me the price. I guess that is what happens when you have crappy FSH numbers.

What...

...do you think Ja.son was thinking here?

It probably wasn't something nice, now was it? :-)

Now, I know what Sh.awn was thinking...



He's saying, "Cheeeeeeeeessssseee!"

Sunday Weekly Sum Up

Cycle front:

Today will be day 6 of the dreaded birth control pill. Thankfully, I never exactly vomited, but I was pretty nauseated for the first few days. I go back for my next appointment this week. At that point I'll stop my pills, get scanned and hope things are quiet in the ovaries, order my meds, and wait for af to show.

I am sort of worried that the pills haven't done much to stall my ovaries. I've had pains on both sides like things are going on in there, and today I've had quite a bit of cm (tmi?). It would be just like me to continue to ovulate through bcps.

Mom front:

I've talked to her twice since she's left. I am still nervous about her being gone like this, but I think the overwhelming panic has subsided. Last time I spoke to her, they were crawling across Canada traveling about 200 miles a day and still had 1600 miles to go to Anchorage. She is having fun, though. Frankly that is all that matters.

The Kid front:

You would have been proud of me. Seriously.

Sh.awn threw up yesterday morning. He was listless and clingy for a couple of hours. And then, it was like it never happened. He started to act like his usual self.

I didn't panic. Much. I told myself what will be, will be and just went with it.

Guess what? The world didn't end! I think I may be on to something. (Thankfully, nothing has happened since yesterday morning.)


We've been having a lot of fun this week, the three of us. We get up at about 9:15-9:30 every morning (you're jealous, right? hehe) and eat breakfast. We play until lunch/nap time. In the afternoons, we've spent a lot of time outside playing in the backyard doing stuff like this...

We've picked weeds and put them into our cars...

We've taken great delight in attacking mommy...

We've blown a few bubbles...

We have gotten over our dislike of grass...

and are now fascinated with its beauty...

We've cleaned up leaves...

and played with some chalk...

One of us may have eaten some chalk...

We've drawn lines and circles...

and are mastering drawing with two hands at once!

That is not to say that this transition to summer vacation has been easy. It is an adjustment to stay home with mommy all day. (I hear she is stricter than grandma.) There have been more than a few tiffs between the dynamic duo...

Mommy! He has my car!

(Notice that both pairs of glasses have been tossed to the side. This one was a heated argument!)

I want it back!

Boys. Where are your glasses? Ja.son had sense enough to grab his and start to put them back on his face. Sh.awn needed some "extra" encouragement from mommy.)

The car is back with its rightful owner. All is right in the world now.

The General front:

On Tuesday evening, Is.aac's crazy, former military drill Sergeant aunt came over to visit for dinner. She lives on the east coast, so her less than relaxing visits are few and far between. I cleaned all day so the house would be nice for her 6:00 arrival.

Little did I know that the night would be full of surprises.

I took a quick break from cleaning at 5, so I could shower and clean myself up. I had the living room left to sweep and dust, but that was where the boys were all day, so I had to do it last. Is.aac was due home from work close to 6 to help me finish everything up.

The aunt and my mother-in-law arrived just as I got into the shower.

I didn't know it, but they stood outside the bathroom window and listened to me shower and talk to the boys! (Creepy, no?) I no sooner got dressed and brushed my hair that they called to tell me they were right outside.

Now it wasn't like they were early because traffic was better than they thought and they miscalculated the time needed to get to our house. No. Is.aac's mother lives only 5 miles away! Ugh. It still annoys me. They should have just gone home for a bit! Apparently they wanted to talk to me.

The best surprise was that once I let the aunt and mother-in-law in to my house, I was informed that eleven other people were invited without our knowledge! Yes, people, the entire family was coming to our house, and we were the last to know. There was no asking and no apologies from the aunt or mother-in-law, either. It just went down hill from there.

And I was just flat out pissed.

At 11:30 pm, the aunt stood up and announced she was leaving and left. Everyone else was still there, including Is.aac's mom, who came with her. We had to scramble to find her a ride home so Is.aac or I didn't have to do it. I think the last person left at midnight. I was wiped out. Sigh.

Ugh. His family is so...frustrating. (well, frustrating and a host of other not so nice adjectives) Grrrr...

Snafu #3?

Got the all clear for IVF #5.

FSH was 9, E2 was slightly over 50 so the guess is that fsh would probably be 10 or 11 in reality because E2 lowers fsh. (both are an indication of lower reserves-yeah me)

I have to admit to being more than a little disappointed when the nurse gave me the results this afternoon. I immediately felt like this was the kiss of doom for my fertility. Sigh. I distinctly remember feeling the same way when I got that stupid 13 for my fsh the first cycle when it was tested four years ago. I swore the world was over then.

Suddenly that crow that landed on my freaking car when I pulled into the parking space at the pharmacy earlier in the day had an ominous meaning.

On the radio on the way home from the clinic was Alanis Morissette's "Ironic." I started to wonder if that was some hidden message from the universe and not just a catchy tune from the 90's.

My mind went from optimism to utter defeat in less than a minute.

Had the news come from my favorite nurse, I might not have taken it so negatively. The nurse that called today was just so...blah from start to finish.

I am trying to keep myself positive. This "lower reserve" crap is nothing new. It only takes one egg and all that jazz. Hell, I haven't even tried to stim yet! How do I know that today's numbers will produce anything less than what I've already seen in previous cycles?

I don't.

I am going to focus on what I can control and try to regain my faith that at some point my/our luck is going to turn around. Now is as good a time as any, right?

The nurse said that she had run the numbers by my RE when he called in earlier. If today's results were completely dismal, he wouldn't let me cycle. I know that.

Tonight I start the bcps. I will get a good night's rest and force myself to calm down.

I am going to get myself pregnant, damn it!

---

One really good thing that happened today is that my RE waived about $4000 off the total price of this IVF! The money was to pay for "professional fees" for scans/blood work/ect. You pay these fees once for three cycles, but the cycles have to be used in one year. Guess when my last cycle was? Yep. A year ago June. I technically would have to pay the fees again because my year expired, but my RE waived it for me for the remaining two cycles. :-)

Well...

Alternately known as "When Does Anything Work as Planned?"

Snafu #1 - RE was called out on a family emergency this week and will be out of state presenting at a conference the week I will likely do retrieval and transfer. They'll let me proceed, but I'd have a completely different RE (the one I like least even) for the entire cycle if I start stims today.

Solution #1 - short course of birth control pills until next week.

How I feel about this: This should be interesting. I did decide that being with the RE I trust and who knows me/my body's quirks is the way to go with this cycle. Plus, the RE I'd have to cycle with now tends to be Mr. Panic/Ultraconservative, which makes me even more neurotic than I already am. My RE is notoriously calm. I like calm. Ahem. But (and there is ALWAYS a but with me isn't there?), the last time I took bcps I was SICKer than a dog for the first three days of the pack. I am also slightly worried about my ovaries becoming unresponsive with bcps added into the mix. That's not going to happen, right? Um, okay.

---

Snafu #2 - they didn't run my fsh - they ran the wrong test instead. Everyone seemed a little discombobulated because my RE is out. But I did find out I am not pregnant! What a shocker there. Sigh.

Solution #2 - I go back tomorrow morning for a redraw and an actual fsh/E2 result.

How I feel about this: This has never happened before at my clinic. I am going to say that this was a sign that the bcps are the right choice. I could have gone back in today for more blood work, but in the long run it won't matter because I am doing bcps anyway. The nurse said all is well with me starting my bcps tomorrow (after we know my fsh is okay-which it will be).

---

In other words, I should officially start IVF #5 tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Hell, every thing's crossed.

That damn fsh is scary, though.

---

There will be no more snafus.

I have declared it so.

I will go in tomorrow morning and will have excellent fsh and E2 results. (I can use all the positive energy you can muster for this one. It was fine for my last IVF, but that was July of last year. A year is a long time in the reproductive world. I hope not too long.)

This will not get me down. Nope it will not. Nope, nope, nope, nope...nope.

In my head I am already playing out scenarios for a possible second cycle should I need one. I am not going to need one...you hear that universe?...but I need to be mentally prepared or I freak out a bit.

So It Begins

Welcome to CD1.

Otherwise known as IVF #5. (Oh please, oh please!)


Blood work and scan tomorrow.


Let this be the time.


I am so ready for this to be the time for us.

Issues Much?

I have made it to the end of yet another school year. I should be excited and happy to spend the summer days with my boys.

But unlike how I usually feel at the start of my summer vacation, this year it starts with a strong sense of dread.

Today what I have been trying desperately to pretend wasn't going to happen finally did. My mom left for her long trip up the coast to Alaska. This being a car trip in itself is something that causes me a lot of anxiety. The fact that there is no itinerary ("We'll just drive for 5 or 6 hours and then find a place to stop for the night." said my uncle) is enough to literally make me lose my mind.

Driving, not knowing where she is because there is no PLAN, AND the chance of spotty cell phone coverage are triggering all kinds of lingering issues I have over my dad's death.

It didn't help that when she was getting into the truck, she managed to squeak out, "Don't let the boys forget me..." before she starting crying.

Sigh.

Good grief. I need to get over this. I do want my mom to have a good time, but I feel horrible for half (or more) wishing she wasn't going at all.

In many ways, this is a summer I want to just hurry up and end.

---

Tuesday was my parents' wedding anniversary. It would have been their 47th this year. Sunday is Father's Day.

More triggers.

Blah.

---

On Tuesday, my grandma and aunt and uncle drove down from Arizona to pick up my mom. They were going to kill a little time in California while they waited for me to finish up the school year. (my mom watches my boys while I'm at work)

During the days, they played with my boys, who of course were quite taken with my uncle. They followed him everywhere and hung on his every word. Both boys are now "Packer Fans!" thanks to my uncle's obsession with all things Green Bay. Cue eye rolling.

Almost immediately, Ja.son started calling my uncle "grandpa." We could not break him from it, and it stung each and every time I heard him say it. Before too long, Sh.awn was calling him "grandpa" also. Ugh.

I loved the sound of the word...I wish with all I had it was used on a different man.

My uncle is a sweet man. He is kind and considerate and practically worships the ground my aunt walks on. I have always liked him.

But.

Now I have this hot anger toward him. I couldn't wait for him to go.

It would have been awesome if having him go wouldn't have meant that my mom was going, too.

---

Yep. It does seem that I have a few issues.

Just Because...

...my boys are just so freaking cute!

Man, I love them.

Ahhh....fever. I heart you.

If you heard a big whoosh a bit ago, it was just me releasing loads of stress. Ja.son has a mild fever. I can now stop worrying about the atypical shit like shunt malfunctions and focus on the typical junk--the flu.

He has had two more light meals and has held them down with no problem. He is a bit lethargic as well, although he is still playing and being his sweet self.

I may eat my words, but I am so happy it is the flu...

Ja.son threw up tonight.

Need I say more?

Please let him just have a stomach bug...

Still in the Closet

For those of you who read my other blog (and you should because I can be clever--just try not to leave a trail back to here if you can), you may have noticed that I have never come out and addressed some of the issues that the boys face. In a sense, we've never come out of the closet. I've never talked about the boys' IVHs, or the hydrocephalus, or the shunts. I've barely mentioned anything about the surgeries or the hospital stays. The Very Dark Days were handled with silence. Very few people in my real life even know that the Very Dark Days even occurred.

My closest friends only know snippets of my life over the last few years. They know the boys, and it is obvious that there are delays, but they don't know everything. For some reason, I can't tell them all of what we went through. I've even tried a few times. I get into a little bit of it and will just stop, unable to finish.

I think the only person who knows the majority of our story is my mom, but I will admit to even omitting details when I speak to her.

The omission of those very important details is bothering me. A lot.

Contrary to what you see on this blog (because really, what haven't I told you), I am a relatively private person. I am a great listener. I am an awesome at commiserating when needed. I will even share select things about myself. The info that I do share, however, is revealed on a need to know basis and is definitely said as a version that is wrapped in a pretty package.

Rarely will I ever admit that I am upset, struggling, or stressed to anyone--that even includes to my husband. (When I said I was stressed over some major junk at work the other day, everyone was very concerned, almost to a point that was comical. That is how seldom I say those words out loud.) To me, it feels that an admission like that implies I can't handle things; it means I am weak, and weakness is something I've learned to avoid at all cost.

So I don't let on how challenging things have been at our house at times.

I don't write about the freak outs I have because Ja.son's neck was sore last night and how I googled the hell out of what that could mean. (Can I just say I am so thankful the boy seems to have pulled a muscle in his neck? No fever. Seems to be better for the most part today. But last night, the thought of meningitis scared me to no end.)

I might say that someone threw up in a casual way, but I never acknowledge that seeing my boys vomit ignites a fear so deep inside me that I can almost no longer think.

I don't discuss my love/hate relationship with therapy, or my fears that I am not doing enough to help my boys, or how stressful things have been to my marriage.

The problem is those omissions are my life.

Now, it is starting to feel these omissions mean I am hiding.

Like I am lying.

What if these omissions are hurting my boys because I am not completely celebrating them in their own uniqueness?

But...

What if these omissions are protecting them, for the time being, from all of the ugliness in the world--from ugliness like I felt the other day?

So I am here struggling with these emotions. I am struggling with whether I should just lay it all out there for the world. I am struggling with whether I should consider what I am doing as protecting my boys from the stupidity of others.

I am struggling with the question of whether there is a middle ground where I can feel comfortable.

Did I mention I hate to struggle?

Um, yeah.

To All of You -- Mwah!

Thank you. To all of you. For commenting. For saying such nice things. For being here AGAIN for me and my crazy mood swings.

---

I did a little retail therapy and got myself the glasses I've been coveting.

I cried some and got angry all over again--because dude. Ugh.

I played with my boys and loved on them so much that they were starting to run from me when they saw me coming. :-)

Then I chased them around the house trying to give even more love to my sweet boys.

I got my hair cut and colored. While I was there, I had a neck and hand massage. Ahhh....

I read such wonderful and heartfelt comments by you guys.

And then I thought to hell with them.

Who cares if they think we are that family?

It is their loss.

Not ours.

Because my family is pretty damn good just the way it is.

Sure, things might be easier for everyone if we didn't/don't face some of the issues in front of us.

Sure, sometimes I think it would be nice to be "typical."

But I wouldn't change things, especially if it meant that my boys would be different than who they are now.

I have to say that the other night was a low point for me. I spent a lot of time crying. I was just so angry, I was shaking.

I didn't sleep much, either.

As much as I'd like to say that the things people say don't matter, I have to admit to myself that words like that sting, even though they may not have been meant the way I received them.

Unfortunately, hurtful thoughts/words that people say are not going to go away.

I need to learn that those words are only as hurtful as I allow them to be.

My job is to take the power away from those words.

And learn to be comfortable in my own skin so I don't feel like that kind of comment is meant to put me down.

My kids deserve that.

We Are That Family

When you look at my family, what do you see?

No, really. What do you see?

Do you see a man and woman with two adorable little boys?

Or do you see a mischievous grin on the face of a child who is up to no good?

Maybe you see the dimples and sparkling eyes of one of the sweetest souls on earth?

Or instead do you focus on other things?

A clinched fist?

A little boy with AFO's?

A mother who carries her boys into the house every day because they can't yet walk?

I learned today that my family is that family.

The family that people feel lucky they don't have.

The family that reminds them of how truly lucky they really are because their children are healthy.

And THAT PISSES ME OFF.

We are so much more than brain bleeds and hydrocephalus.

Of CP.

We are so much more than our limits.

We are a family who has more strength in our little fingers than most -- yes most -- people have in their entire fucking bodies.

We are a family who knows the importance of the little things in life and treasures them oh so very much.

Don't look at us and feel lucky you are not us.

Don't compare your life to ours.

Because damn it, you are missing out.

I have two of the most spectacular little boys in the entire fucking world.

Do you hear me?

Do you HEAR me?

Don't feel lucky that you are not me.

I feel lucky that I am not you.