#Microblog Monday

For a while now, I've been following the story of an IF couple who find themselves pregnant with with two sets of identical twins. They are sugary sweet, if not even a bit annoying in their continued attention seeking, but I am definitely someone who roots for the underdog. Quads with a side order of TTTS after an 8 year ride of infertility definitely puts them in that underdog category.

In the beginning, I was nervous for them as the odds of delivering healthy babies were not in their favor. I rooted for them.

I still do.

Probably more so now.

They delivered their babies at 29.5 weeks with weights "a little over two pounds" for three of the babies and "slightly less than two pounds" for the fourth. News stories describe a "safe and healthy arrival of (the parents') four daughters," which is downright aggravating for a preemie mom like myself to read. There is no way babies can be the weights that they are, born 11 weeks early like they were, and be described as healthy.

Sigh.


But as I read their daily updates and excited musings, something changed over the last week or so.

I've spent some time reflecting about what bothers me most about this story. Sure it's annoying that the family acts like everything is wonderful and chooses to share only the upbeat and positive news they hear. I can live with that. We all can decide what part of our story we want to share with the world.

Nor is it that now that the babies are born the news will gloss over the very real dangers these tiny newborns face and perpetuate the myth that preemies are just just like full term babies only smaller. (As opposed to acknowledging that these babies who are born before they have truly finished developing can face very real consequences from their early arrival.)

The part that stings is that the universe (and damned good medical care) allowed this woman to carry their babies to nearly 30 weeks.

Their FOUR babies.

Why couldn't my body, and the bodies of far too many other women, do the same? Why?

Every once in a while there is a story that starts me on a pity party spiral. After reading this story, I know that this in one such story; yet, like a masochist intent on torturing herself, I keep going back.

Back to both the story and that age old question. Why?

Stop by Mel's Stirrup Queens for more #Microblog Monday posts.

Weekend Leftovers

The holidays? Whew. 

I love this time of year. 

I completely lose my mind at this time of year. 

Leading up to the big day, I look forward to everything being done...

and then when it is, I want it all back again.

That being said, we had a lovely Christmas. :)

~~~

We have been struck by the Sick that will not end. I don't know if it this is still the original bug, if it's cycling through the house again, or if they somehow contracted something new, but holy hell I am exhausted.

Yesterday, Ja.son developed a viral rash for added fun. I'm thinking it's fifth disease--had it not been Friday night and him acting otherwise fine, I'd have taken him to the pediatrician to make sure. Sigh.

I'm telling you that these school germs may just do me in.

~~~

I'm trying to find a series to watch with Is.aac. Because we have watched surprisingly little adult television, there are a lot of possibilities. Any suggestions on a series we could watch (and enjoy) together?

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Yet Another Change

There's more change ahead for my boy. His aide, who was instrumental in helping him overcome some pretty miserable days at school last year, will be leaving him this week. There was no warning for us; the replacement aide was there this morning ready to shadow for a few days and then take over.

I'm frustrated. Upset. Hell, I'm angry.

I'm so sad for my boy. He loves this woman.

He'd just got his footing this year. We'd finally found the balance between meds, support, and structure that allowed him to thrive. And now?

Now I feel like his tentative hold on the success is slipping away.,,

I can't fault her for going--she's moving to a position with better pay and more benefits, and I know she has her own family to support.

Still, I can't help but feel like we've (and yes, this is a whole family kind of thing) been abandoned.

I hate that my boy so often gets the rug pulled from under him. Yes, he is resilient. He will survive this transition like he has all the others. But why does his resilience have to be tested time and time again?

Sigh.

I'm trying to be positive in spite of what I write here.

I want this new aide to be even better than our wonder aide who is leaving.

I want this to work for him because we have no other choice.

It has to work.

Please let this be a change for the good.

Creme de la Creme

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2014

I submitted my post from 2014. Did you? If not, head on over to Stirrup Queens to add your favorite post for 2014 to the list. :)

#Microblog Monday - Blocked

I blocked my first person on FB this weekend. I also blocked my second, third, and fourth person while I was at it.

I'm not sure what I expected would happen when I followed through with the act. Nothing did, of course. I would even venture to guess that the block-ees don't even know that I did it yet.

Maybe they'll never realize it.

Though it was a decision long in coming, I held off for the longest time. It wasn't the concern about hurting their feelings (and they had certainly not worried about my feelings leading up to this) that gave me pause. Rather it was the feeling of obligation that stopped me -- we had been rather close at one point. Maybe we should still be close although life and circumstance got in the way. Thus the final act of severing the small tie we had left felt too heavy. I avoided it hoping against all hope that something would change. For years I overlooked behavior that I would not accept from anyone else in my life.

When the act was done, it was oddly freeing. As sad as it is that I am putting those relationships behind me, the relief that I'm feeling now reminds me that it was the right decision.

A sad one, but still right.

Stop by Mel's for more #Microblog Monday posts.

Rare

We were done with the photo session with my grandma, and I had just finished taking care of the details with the photographer. As I turned to go, the photographer looked up, called us over, and took this.

A rare picture of us kissing. :)

#Microblog Monday

I spent this weekend dealing with issues of stomach rebellion. It could simply be that my body protests all of the food I've ingested through the holiday. More likely this has been the manifestation of stress.

My 92 year old grandmother is here, and while I love her to pieces, her visits are not without challenges. Namely, the woman speaks her mind about everything without much care about how her words affect those around her. I do not think that her intent is malicious, but as a woman who has lived nearly a century, her ideas and my ideas about the world are not exactly similar. Couple that with the fact that the years have weakened her filter, and well...it's been difficult.

And now I've had far too many conversations with little ones about what grandma means when she said xyz. Sigh.

I want my boys to know her, and I truly am happy she is here. I am keenly aware that there may not be many more visits with her.

Still, I feel horrible that I was relieved to not have to go visit today. It's even worse that I'm counting down the days until she leaves. :(

Stop by Stirrup Queens for more Microblog Monday posts.

Weekend Leftovers

The boys are still sick. I guess, the more correct way to state that is that they are sick again with a new second illness. Sigh. At least now everyone is sleeping through the night again.

That is something to celebrate.

~~~

My boy has now been on ADHD meds for just over a month, and I have to say that the change in him is nothing less that mind blowing. He went from having 10-15+ severe issues with his impulse control throughout his day to an average of 3 mild issues. I was afraid that this would somehow change his personality, but he is still the same, sweet, funny boy I know and love...only more in control of himself.

Seriously. I am in awe of how effective this one thing has been in helping him.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Microblog Monday

It's Prematurity Awareness Month, so the posts about the topic are starting to pop up all over my feed. Many of them are about how thankful they are about the doctors and nurses who helped their children when they were so tiny and fragile.

I guess I am thankful to them, too, but in all honesty, I rarely think of them much anymore. I can't for the life of me remember the names of the nurses--none of them come to mind, not even the ones I truly loved. I remember the two neos; one name remembered without issue, the other more doom and gloom predicting neo, takes much more effort.

That's horrible, right?

Other posts talk about how their children have overcome prematurity and are now healthy and strong.

While my boys are now healthy and strong right now, the nagging fear of prematurity is still (may always be) there. Will this illness be the one to tax their lungs to their limits? Is this episode of vomiting a "simple" illness, or will it mean a trip to the ER and surgery? Besides that, the idea of overcoming prematurity is kind of lost on me.

How do you overcome prematurity when it is the reason for your children's challenges today?

I don't know.

I need people to understand prematurity and know that prematurity is more than tiny babies born too soon.

I desperately want to make sure no other family endures the heartache of watching their loved one struggle for survival.

My heart aches at the knowledge that prematurity will steal other families' babies and rob others of their dreams.

And I hate prematurity with a passion...

... and yet ...

I am stuck on how to deal with Prematurity Awareness Month this year.

How do I articulate my thankfulness that because of the strides of prematurity research I now have two amazing boys along with my intense, overwhelming detest for something that took so much from us?

Sigh.

I just don't know.

Stop by Stirrup Queens for more MicroBlog Monday posts.

Friday Night Leftovers

One day this week I went to work without putting on deodorant. That in itself wouldn't have been that big of a deal except it was in the upper 80's that day and my classroom has no air-conditioning. Yeah, it was already not pleasant for me (though hopefully no one else!) by lunch. Thanks to my PE peeps, I was able to get a sample stick from them and the crisis was avoided. lol

Please tell me I am not the only one who does crazy crap like this.

~~~

My 92 year old grandmother is coming from Arizona for Thanksgiving. It was sort of spur of the moment and very not expected. I decided that I needed to take this opportunity to get some good photos of her and my mom and the four generations together. So, for the second time in a month! my family will be taking pictures. LOL. I've decided for someone who had not taken professional pictures ever, I have sure become a picture whore. Go figure.

But really, how could I not be with pictures like this?



Right?

~~~

I have a 4 day weekend. Today at 3:30, I was almost as excited about the prospect of a long weekend as a kid at Christmas. By 5:30, that excitement had turned. Jack has a 101* temperature. So much for rest and relaxation. Well played, universe. Well played.

~~~

I've been doing Christmas shopping. Early! I have even made a decent dent in my list. Go me!

~~~

In one of the FB groups I'm in someone posted a tip about putting Shoe Goo on your kids' shoes to prevent them from getting holes in their shoes. Both boys are horrible about dragging their toes. When I get them new shoes, they look nice for a day before the go through a steady decline in attractiveness/wearability. I was getting a new pair of shoes for Ja.son every other month. It's been ridiculous.

So, with this last pair of shoes I got him, I slathered those puppies up with Shoe Goo and they are doing great! We have gone a full two weeks and they still look good--no scuffs or rub marks. Shoot, if I keep putting this stuff on his shoes, maybe he'll even get to outgrow a pair of shoes before they need to be replaced due to holes in them.

It's the little things that make me happy. Unholy shoes are one such little thing. lol

~~~

You know, it's amazing what a new month will do for you. Welcome November. You came just in time.

Stop By Danifred's for more Leftovers.

The Boys Are 7!

The big boys turned 7 on Monday. It truly blows my mind. 

Ja.son

Sh.awn

They are so big and smart and funny and amazing--everything I was afraid to wish they'd be when they were tiny premature newborns. I am beyond proud of how far they've come. I know they'll accomplish great things in their future, too!

I am always taken aback by how much the drama behind their birth still affects me. The stab of emotion isn't as strong as it used to be, nor does it last long, but I'd be lying to say that it isn't still there. Even with all of the good that we have in our lives, there is still that small twinge of sadness about what might have been.

Microblog Monday

While researching something unrelated, I stumbled across information on ADHD. I read the symptoms, and I swear I could check every single indicator off for one of my boys.

Every single one.

My mind was blown. After even more research I am kind of kicking myself for not seeing the signs sooner than this.

• Preemies have a higher instance of ADD/ADHD than the general population.
• Kids who have had anesthesia have a higher instance of ADD/ADHD.
• ADD/ADHD is more common for kids with Cerebral Palsy than it is for the general population.

So I took him to the pediatrician. And then I took him to the child psych. And now he is on medication.

What he is taking is an extremely low dose at the moment, but although we are already seeing a huge change so far, I expect we will likely need to up the dose within the next few weeks.

He needs this medication; I know he does, and if I had any doubts, they would have been erased after watching him since he started his meds. Yet, while I believe firmly that this is the right thing to do for him, I have to admit that it still feels crappy to have to do it.

As it is, he doesn't really know what is going on. I can sprinkle his meds on a bite of food, so he truly has no idea that he is actually taking something. Ethically, I know he has the right to know on a level appropriate for his 6 year old mind that he is taking medication, and I do plan on telling him that he's taking something and why. I'm not sure of when that will be though. I'm in the watch and wait mode right now.

It's hard not to second guess yourself as a parent when you are making these life altering decisions for your kids. I am trying to remind myself that I can only do my best, but man. This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart.

Microblog Monday

It's been a week (or ten) of more fighting with the insurance company. Seriously, I am at the point that I am over HMOs, especially this one. (It rhymes with "miser" if you're curious.) I have had more issues with this insurance company in the last two months than I have EVER had with insurance, and that means a lot when you consider how often we've dealt with doctors and insurance. Sigh.

For several nights this weekend I repeatedly dreamt I was locked in a hospital. Sometimes the boys were with me. Sometimes I was alone. Doctors, nurses, and even patients were everywhere, but when I asked for help I was ignored by them all. I tried whatever I could -- I screamed. I begged. No one would help me. I had to resort to whatever I could to escape...

although I always did escape. That's the thing I'm holding on to from this. I may have taken a few people down in my passing, but I made it out of that dream hospital every time.

Got to love the beauty of thinly veiled reflections on current struggles. I shall take it as a sign that I will prevail in real life, too. (It should be noted that I am prevailing, I guess. It is just taking a whole lot more energy and time than it should and the process is stressing me out something fierce.)

I am even STRESS eating! I never stress eat. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your slant), my digestive tract is majorly rebelling to said stress eating.

Despite my usual coping strategy of keeping October "medically light", it sure has turned in to anything but light. Dealing this doctor/insurance drama is triggering memories of hospitals and medical struggles, which compounds the emotional struggle I'm already experiencing just because it's October. Plus, while rehashing pregnancy complications sucks any time, to actually be able to say to a doctor that "I was 26 weeks when my membranes ruptured on this very day seven years ago" is like an extra scrape of memory sandpaper to an already weeping wound.

Sigh.

Oh this month with its complicated mix of joy, grief, and fear.

I'm putting my head down and pushing through. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

~~~

More of this week's #Microblog Monday posts here.

Microblog Monday

Sometimes I swear it feels like we're being tested, like the universe throws roadblock after roadblock before us until we get to the point of questioning whether we'll make it through.

It has been weeks of constant fighting for what we need. There are now issues with the boys' teacher, a person I have come to detest more than 6 weeks of school should warrant. Arguments and protocol stupidity (and run around) with the insurance company.

Generally obstacles make me angry. I take a deep breath and push through the frustration. My mentality has always been that I won't let things beat me.

I'm feeling beaten down.

Exhausted.

We're in October now; I imagine that has everything to do with why I am feeling so low. It's a hard month, one filled with a lot of difficult memories.

I forget that my body remembers even if my head does not.

Microblog Monday - Handprints

We fell into this tradition by accident, but once I realized it could be a thing, I made it one. Every year on the 28th of September, I make the boys stamp their handprints on paper.

 

We started it in 2011 - Jack's first year on Earth. He was not quite 6 months old. The big boys were nearing 4.

 



Ja.son, Sh.awn, and Jack (left to right)
September 28, 2011



 

They were all so tiny then.

 

They keep getting bigger, these boys.  





Sh.awn, Ja.son, and Jack (left to right)
September 28, 2012



Bigger.

Sh.awn, Ja.son, and Jack (left to right)
September 28, 2013

And stronger every day.

September 28, 2014
Sh.awn, Ja.son, and Jack

It's hard to tell, I know, but each hand is at least a half an inch bigger than it was last year.

Their handprints are such a visual representation of how much they've changed, a tangible way of seeing the passage of time when sometimes it's so hard to grasp in day to day living of life.

 

These handprints tell the tale. Our boys are not so little anymore.

~~~

Stop by Stirrup Queens for more Microblog Monday posts.

~~~

(I wrote this first here for Microblog Monday, but I cross posted on the boys' blog, too.)

Weekend Leftovers

This week brought both my mom's and Is.aac's birthdays. We had a quiet celebration at our house yesterday. Cake, ice cream, presents, fun, and laughter...who could ask for more?

Bonus is after preparing the house for people to come over, now my house is clean. ;)

~~~

With all of the appointments we've had for doctors, one of the ones that scares me most (which says something) is neurosurgery. Thankfully, the doctor finally called yesterday and said everything looks good for both the boys. Relief.

~~~

One of my childhood friends is pregnant with her first right now--a single mother by choice. I am beyond happy for her, and I can't wait to go to her shower on the 25th.

Coincidentally, her due date was the due date I was given with the pregnancy last year.

~~~

I asked for a meeting with the boys' teacher. There were just a lot of things that were happening that were rubbing me the wrong way. We met on Thursday.

Despite being told about some of Sh.awn's unique needs, she conveniently "forgot" (actually she "forgets" a lot of things) and wasn't putting the strategies we know he needs into use. I reiterated some things to her, so I hope that she has a better understanding of what needs to happen to help Sh.awn succeed.

I'm just going to have to accept that I am not going to like her. She isn't a warm and fuzzy kind of teacher, and she's more than a little abrasive in her speech and mannerisms. If I had to guess, I'd say that I'll be forced to meet with her regularly. She just gave me that kind of vibe.

The fact that I'm not a fan of her is one thing, but even Is.aac, who brushes things off easily, has said more than a few times how he dislikes her. Le sigh.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers!

Microblog Monday

Well, the boys brought home their second round of germs this week. It started with Ja.son and plowed its way through the rest of the boys. They recovered most of their energy fairly quickly but have all been left with a lingering cough.

Thursday night I got it. I sucked it up and went to work on Friday, came home, and then proceeded to sleep the next 33 of 36 hours. I emerged Sunday morning feeling majorly hungover and weak. Sheesh. The rest of Sunday was mostly a hazy blur.

It's been rough.

Thankfully, as of Sunday night, we are finally all on the mend, but It feels like someone stole my (much needed) relaxing weekend. Sigh.

Here's hoping next weekend proves better than this.

Microblog Monday - Medical Woes

We've transitioned over to a new insurance carrier. Of course it took longer than it should have, so now we're in the process of meeting the boys' various specialists. The unfortunate part is that, unlike our previous carrier, our current carrier doesn't have the boys' specialties available in our county. That means we have to travel sixty plus miles.

We've done four trips in the last four weeks.

Once you factor in driving through traffic, wait times in the office, meeting the doctors, and driving home again, the fastest trip was 6 hours; the longest was 8.

Eight hours. Ridiculous.

We still have one more specialist to go, but I'm putting if off for a bit. It's only the neurologist, the lowest doctor on our medical hierarchy.

How sad is that?

Sigh.

New doctors. New systems. Reviewing medical history over and over. Big decisions. Possible surgeries ahead...

The boys have been troopers. Really they have.

But they're exhausted. They've asked if they can just go to school instead of meeting doctors.

We're all exhausted.

It feels wrong to complain because I know what the alternative could have been.

And I'm grateful. Truly.

But I hate it all anyway.

Microblog Monday

I think I've come to terms with the whole prematurity thing, and then a new complication arises that makes me hate my body all over again for failing them in such a spectacular way.

Nothing has to be decided right now, but decisions will need to be made eventually. Decisions with no clear cut right or wrong, only maybes and possibilities of both good and bad. Of causing more harm when trying to help. Of some kids having no issues, while maybe just as many kids do. It could mean everything, or in the end, make no difference at all.

This is the shitty part of being a parent, this knowing that what you decide may be the wrong choice.

It's terrifying.

And as much as I am trying to not think about it, I can think of nothing else.



Click here to learn more about #MicroblogMondays.

This, That, and the Other

Oh boy, things have been crazy around here lately.

The boys:

The boys started first grade on the 20th. I am so relieved to say that things have gone so unbelievably well this year. It has been pretty dang amazing. We have now had 8 full days of school, and we haven't had a single issue with the boys yet.

Can you freaking believe that?

A longer day, a brand new schedule/class, and we have had ZERO issues with any of it.

I am so, so, SO proud of my boys! Whoot!

I am not so wild over the boys' teacher, though. After a last minute switch, the boys were placed in the class of the teacher on the team I liked the least. When we met last year, I just got a vibe from her. 

I did go in to meet with the teacher before school started, and I honestly went into the meeting fully intending to put my initial impression in the past. Except I left liking her even less. She told me several times that she was nervous about having a teacher's kids in her class. (Hello, you've been teaching since 2001. Get over it already.) She seems...scattered. In the short time the boys have been in her class, she's flip flopped on her decisions and made some annoying and over-reaching "suggestions." Sigh.

Perhaps her following in the footsteps of the boys' kinder teacher is a disadvantage. I guess in the long run, I don't have to like her. I just need her to do her job and not undo any of their progress.

We shall see.

And just like last year, the boys came down with some sort of crud after a mere three days in school. This week has been rough with all of them vomiting at some point and all of them with runny noses/coughs/and sneezing.

Me:

I started school this week.

The good news is that my classes seem pretty nice so far. My classes are all under 35 students, something that hasn't happened in years.

Not everything is perfect (and some really not perfect crap is happening), but I'm trying very hard to not let it get to me. It can be difficult, though, when those in power are not very nice people. Sigh.

Is.aac:

Is.aac starts his new job tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Beach Fun With a Side of Guilt

We did go to the beach this week, and it will go down in the books as a huge success-the boys had a fabulous time.

How could they not?

The weather was beautiful. The water was unusually warm. There were even relatively few people on the beach. You really couldn't get better conditions than what we had.

Jack hit the sand on the beach and bolted for the water. I followed him, letting him run just far enough ahead of me to make him think that he was getting away, but not far enough that I couldn't reach him if I needed. He was in heaven. When we reached the waterline, he immediately plopped himself down in the sand. Within seconds, we both were drenched. Oh how he laughed!

Sh.awn was mister fearless, and I swear if he could have, he would have launched himself into the ocean and swam out to sea. He was living pure joy when that water would splash against his body. When the water would recede, he'd chase it out, making his way farther and farther away from the shore.

Ja.son was more apprehensive. He chose to play in the wet sand at first and would scamper away when the water would get near. His confidence grew as he watched his brothers. I'm sure he figured if they could survive, so could he. Eventually he mustered up enough courage to join his brothers in the water.

So many times I talk myself out of doing things. It's easy to, really, especially when there is the unknown with which to deal. As the boys get bigger, there are more unknowns.

Things are easier in a lot of ways. The boys are so smart and funny. They love doing new things. They get so excited!

But things are more difficult, too. The boys are getting bigger, and the not walking independently is hard. It's hard on my body to lift them and carry them when needed. (Hello, sand. You were quite the challenge for us. My muscles are still protesting all the work they did that day.) Making things accessible for them can take creativity. It always takes planning.

Is.aac and I don't always work well together as a team when we're confronted with unexpected challenges. He stresses. I stress. We bicker.

It's exhausting.

So I talk myself out of things. Make excuses. Put things off.

It's unfair to the boys.

It makes me feel guilty, especially when I see how much fun they have...could have had all along.

Sigh.

Weekend Leftovers

Somehow, there are only ten days left until the boys start school. There hasn't been a whole lot of information released about their teacher or Sh.awn's aide yet, and I'm getting a bit twitchy about it.

Is.aac had to go down to file the paperwork so the boys could go back to desired school this year. He got there the day the transfer office opened at 8 am and still stood in line for two freaking hours. It was insane. Even though everyone understood that we intended to go to desired school, the district policy is that you have to reapply for intradistrict transfers every year. The whole thing is so stupid.

~~~

Is.aac and I enjoyed our night sans kids. We went to dinner, spent some time at the county fair, and slept in late. It was bliss.

~~~

Sh.awn was sick, sick, SICK on Sunday night. We debated back and forth about taking him to the ER over concern it was his shunt malfunctioning. We were seriously just that close. By Monday morning, you would have hardly known he was ill. He was a little more tired, but by mid afternoon, he was pretty much back to his old self.

I was relieved when the other two showed signs of being sick Tuesday morning. They didn't get anywhere near as sick as Sh.awn, but at least they were sick (which makes me feel less like it was Sh.awn's shunt that was acting up on Sunday).

We have appointments with the new pediatrician next week just to be sure, though.

~~~

I hate having to go to new doctors. I'd appreciate good vibes.

~~~

This week should be fun. We are going to take the boys to the beach for the first time. Yes, I know I live a mile from the beach, but the beach was never a place high on my priority list when the boys were younger. When Jack came, it seemed even less desirable. So, now we are nearly 7 years into their lives and we have yet to go...until now. Should be fun!

~~~

I'm venturing to work tomorrow to set up my room. I'd like to say that I'll get it all done on one (unpaid) day, but I know better.

~~~

As a treat for myself, I always go get new lettering and borders for the area around my desk. This year I did the same, and while I was at it, I bought a new calendar and some other classroom things that it was time to replace. I got out to the car and noticed every single thing I bought was black! I don't know what that symbolizes about my feelings toward this year, but it can't be a good sign. lol.

Maybe the fact that the lettering does have pretty rhinestones means not all hope is lost? ;)

~~~

Is.aac starts work on September 1. Yea.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers!

Friday Night Leftovers

Things have been pretty mellow around these parts of late, which is just the way I like it. Is.aac has been amazing at letting me sleep in every other morning, allowing me to catch up (although I swear I will never fully recover) on some much needed rest.

~~~

We just got back from a mini vacation to Sea World. The boys loved it!

~~~

I am desperately trying to ignore the rapidly approaching end of summer vacation. The boys go back on the 20th. and frankly, the prospect of them (Sh.awn) having to adjust to another, longer school day this next year, is wigging me out. When I think about it, I worry about all kinds of transition pains happening because last year's start was very hard.

I go back to school on the 25th. Today was the first day my admin would release our room keys. Many of my colleagues went today to get them. I haven't been able to wrap my mind around classroom setup or lesson planning yet. It will come soon enough.

~~~

In June I signed up for Stitch Fix*. Stitch Fix is the service in which you pay $20 to have a personal stylist choose five wardrobe items for you based on a style profile you complete. If you like anything in your box, the $20 fee is applied toward purchasing the item. If you like nothing, you send it all back and are out only the $20 fee.

Anyway, I got my first Stitch Fix box today. I was filled with excitement when I opened it, almost like a kid at Christmas. lol. I did like everything in the box, but my favorite item was a black and white tie-dye knit shirt. So pretty! Plus, the price tag wasn't awful (under $30), so I don't have to feel guilty. Out of the 5 things, I'm getting two: the tie-dye and a top for work. Sending the things back that I didn't like are easy peasy, too. Yay!

I can't wait for my next box!

*The link to the site is my referral page. If you are interested and would rather not go through my page, here is the regular site. :)

~~~

Ja.son walked by me (yes WALKED!!!!) the other day and jabbed me in the stomach. "You have a baby in there," he said before he walked on into the living room.

Um...wtf? I haven't talked about anything to do with baby to anyone around here, so where did that comment come from?

It's been a rough IF week for me this week, and the timing of that comment knocked the air out of me.. Do you ever have those weeks? They come out of the blue and rock you. It's frustrating as hell because you want to be think hope expect yourself to be past it all and then BAM.

It didn't help that I just donated Jack's crib and maternity clothes. I also started going through all of the baby things to give away. It does make me sad because in that alternate universe I'd have an infant to care for right now.

But I don't have one. It's time to put that behind me.

Then there was a FB announcement from someone. (Most of the time I'm not bothered by announcements anymore.) I got all freaked out and had to find out how old she was because ... well, I don't know why. Maybe to encourage myself if she was really old? If she could do it, so could I?

Sigh.
~~~

I spent the month of July at the dentist. I had a tooth with an old filling crack that needed to be fixed, and it was discovered that two of my three wisdom teeth needed fillings. Because they were located in different spots around my mouth, I had to have a separate appointment for each tooth. Sigh.

Let me just say that I hate the dentist, so much so, that I have horrible stomach issues leading up to the appointments and for days afterward. That has meant that this last month has been rough on my digestive track.

If you can believe it, I lost 4 pounds.

~~~

Things are a go for Is.aac on the job front. He's going to be working as an independent contractor, and they've pretty much accepted what he's said he'll charge. All that's left is details/signatures and he can get started. Whew.

~~~

Tomorrow is our 12th wedding anniversary. My mom is going to take the boys over night. We'll have 24 hours of kid free time. It's sad that my first thought is that I get to sleep, right?

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Friday Night Weekend Leftovers

Went painting with two good friends today. I love that although given the same instructions, our pictures were so different. lol

As fun as it is, I can't see myself doing this many more times. What would I do with all of the paintings? As it is, I have no idea what to do with the ones I've already done!

~~~

I'd appreciate some good thoughts. There has been a strong lead for a job for dh. He needs this for his sanity. I need this for mine.

~~~

I finally broke down and transitioned Jack out of his crib. I had to bypass the toddler bed because he's so freaking big and go straight to a twin bed. While I was at it, I updated the whole thing. He is in love with his new room.

~~~

How can our summer be half over already?

~~~

One of our fish died Thursday night. He's been "off" for a while now, so much so that there were a few times over the last several weeks when I thought he was dead. He'd perk up a little later and act fine again.

I was traumatized by the poor fish. It was clear that he was fighting a losing battle. He was barely breathing and then have a big spurt of energy for a bit. The process went on and on...it was horrible. For the life of me, I just couldn't leave it. The thought of him dying alone just made me so, so sad. My head would tell me I was all upset over a fish. My heart wouldn't listen. Clearly I have issues.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers

When You Leave the Cave, You Run Into Stupidity

For the longest time, I think we lived somewhat of a hermit life. A lot of that can be attributed to the fact it was just easier to stay in our little cave when we had two, and then three boys in tow, but there were some other factors at play. The big boys' lack of proficiency and stamina with their walkers was one reason. Some lingering sensory issues was another. Jack's tendency to run away was yet another. (I even tried one of those leash things, but he broke it the first time he used it. Sigh.)

Anyway, now that many of the obstacles we faced are easing, we are out and about more and more. Leaving the house is great and freeing and stressful and tiring all rolled into one. I generally come back with a stiff neck and a headache, although I am still usually glad we went on the day's adventure.

I find that the problem is rarely the boys' behavior. They LOVE going places and talking to people. I am incredibly proud of how polite and pleasant they are to everyone they meet.

No, it's not my boys that makes me hold my breath for our entire trip. My muscles ache and my nerves are shot because of other people we encounter along the way. The people who rudely (and loudly) comment to their younger, smaller children that "No, you're waaaaaaay too big to ride in the cart!" as we pass. Clearly, the comment was in reference to my boys who were sitting in the red, double seated cart. (I love Tar.get's carts!) Or the "What's wrong with him?" comments. Or even the woman who tried to stop me outside of a restaurant to give me her business card because she thought her hyperbaric oxygen chamber would be "just the thing" to help our boys' "funny" walk. (Oh. yes. she. did. Again, this was said within earshot of my boys. AS IF we would follow the information given to us by some random stranger on the street, even. Let's just say I was not nice to her.)

Do they think we aren't doing enough? That they have the quick fix to solve all of our problems and we are too inept to find the answers on our own?

Why anyone, especially someone who doesn't even know us, feels he or she should actually open his/her mouth to suggest anything unsolicited blows my mind. Yet it is happening more and more.

I would never go out of my way to say anything that could be received negatively by someone else. I am certainly not doling out parenting advice (as if I have all the answers anyway) or commenting on things that are not my business. What would either of those things do other than cause hurt?

For the life of me, I just can't understand the mentality that seems to prevail right now. People seem to think that they can and should tell us (and others) whatever crosses their minds. I guess I can see why people would be freer to say stupid things on the internet with the anonymity, lack of proximity thing, but to do it in real life? To people you don't know?

Why does what we do matter to anyone else anyway? We aren't loud or distracting or anything else. We are just out minding our own business.

All we are is slightly different.

I can't help but feel we're being judged because of it. What we do/how we look is judged.
People don't know how to handle differences; they're afraid of them. I know that. Do our differences give people the perceived right to judge us? I don't know. But I do know people show their ignorance in their words and behavior. Often.

Do people know they cause hurt when they say critical things to strangers? Do they care?

Probably not, I guess, otherwise they'd say nothing.

Why don't they care?

It does bug me that the few can so easily sour my mood or make me think twice about doing something before heading out. I hate that their rudeness affects me and our family like this.

Sigh.

I know I should just grow a thicker skin and not let it get to me. I'm trying, really I am.

~~~

Thankfully this behavior isn't shared by everyone. There are many more people who embrace our family with conversation and smiles. People who remember us and pick up conversations right up from where they last left off. People who fight for our (and our boys') happiness. I am so grateful for these people!

Bless You

We had just finished our ice cream and had wandered around the shops to the fountain.  I had Jack and Ja.son with me.

They splashed in the fountain water and asked for coins to throw into the shallow water. I gave them each a penny. There were two plops and some giggles from them as they watched their coins float to the bottom.

"Mom, I wished I can live forever," Ja.son said, "but I need another coin for a second wish."

"What do you want to wish for this time," I asked as I handed him my last penny.

"I want to wish that I never get this full again. I am stuffed!" he laughed as he tossed his coin.

After a few minutes, we started back to the table where Sh.awn and Is.aac were sitting. Both were still finishing the last of their ice cream while we were gone.

We had only made it a few feet when I heard someone say, "Bless  you, ma'am." There really wasn't any other "ma'ams" around so I assumed they were meant for me. I looked for the source of the words.

They came from a young man in what I would guess was his early twenties. He had just following an older man out of one of the shops and was walking right behind us.

"Excuse me?" I replied, still uncertain why he said anything at all.

"Bless you," the young man said again. "I know it's hard taking care of someone with a disability." He pointed at his companion. With this second glance I could see the older man was slightly hunched at the shoulders; his facial features suggested that there was also some genetic condition at play.

We walked a few more steps while I took it all in. I gently prompted Jay to walk a bit faster while I picked up Jack.

"May I ask what's wrong with him?" the young man said, obviously oblivious that both my boys could hear and understand everything he said.

My mind raced through many responses, most of which were not very kind. My momma bear instincts were in full force. He's talking about Ja.son. How dare he suggest something was wrong? He walks with a walker, who cares? Besides, it's very possible he is involved with some sort of disability himself. He should KNOW this kind of conversation is off putting and downright rude. I was angry and I wanted nothing more than to walk away.

But I knew there were little ears listening--ears that miss nothing, that internalize everything. How I responded was important. Yet again, I was woefully unprepared for dealing with this kind of situation.

"Nothing is wrong with him," I finally said. "He was born very early and now has cerebral palsy because he was so sick at birth. He's one of my miracles, and I am very proud of him. Right, Jay?"

"Right." Ja.son replied.

I looked over at the young man. He smiled. "You are very blessed," he said as he walked away.

"I know I am," I said to myself as we walked back to our table.

Weekend Leftovers

Yesterday my mom and I went to a local studio where you get to replicate the day's feature painting. I am not. by any means, a "painter," but I was relatively satisfied with my final painting (except for my clouds--I am not satisfied with my clouds!).

Anyway, I brought the painting home to show the boys. The big boys oohed and ahhed appropriately and then promptly took the painting to use as a backdrop for the cars they had lined up on an imaginary highway. So, I'm not exactly sure how impressed they were in the long run. lol.

~~~

I'm in the process of turning my hair color back to blonde. It has been just under a year of dark brown. I didn't have a problem with the color, but the upkeep of dark hair was tiring. The blonde roots always looked grey to me, even when I don't think it was exactly. I felt like I always needed to color my roots because of it.

Anyway, last year was tough for a multitude of reasons, so I think the dark color let me escape a tiny bit. While this year hasn't been any less tense or stressful, I'm feeling it's time to get back to the true me. I think that means something, don't you?

~~~

Sh.awn may make me lose my mind. He has all of my buttons mapped out, and he systematically pushes them one by one throughout the day. To make matters worse, he refuses to let Is.aac do anything for him without a major meltdown. I can't even tell you the number of times I've had to walk away from him because he was acting insane.

Dude. 6 may just do me in.

~~~

This list of things the author wished she knew about raising boys had me nodding my head all the way through. I found #8 to be hard for the longest time as there were two female family members born within two months of Jack and they just seemed so advanced SOOOO early. Thankfully I am over that head trip now. My boy is awesome in his own unique ways, ways that they are not. ;)

And let's not forget number 4...jeez.

~~~

Thursday would have been Is.aac's work anniversary. He moped around and was grouchy all day long. He finally declared in desperation that he had to find a job. He was shocked when I pointed out the significance of the day. Sigh.

Good thoughts for a job soon would be appreciated.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Good Things

These things are good...

bubbles on a warm summer day,



faces covered in chalk,

flying through the air,

notes on the fridge left by Ja.son,

snuggles captured on selfies,

dirt angels,

balloon animals,

kisses,

more kisses,

and homemade ice cream in a bag.

 

I want to remember these moments always.

 

I'm feeling really, really grateful for all my boys tonight.

Friday Night Leftovers

Sometimes, the only way I survive is by staying on the surface of my thoughts. Anytime I think too deeply about something when I'm in survival mode, I tend to get lost in the emotion. I didn't have time or the energy for that so I fell back on my MO -- I put my head down and plowed forward.

Hence the no writing here.

The best news is that boys ROCKED kinder. They both are at standards or above in all academic areas except one area for Sh.awn. (Take that stupid psych. I told you your tests were wrong.) I am one proud mom. :)

We also had an informal transition meeting with all of the first grade teachers. It was a way for them to meet us and us them. We won't know for sure which teacher will be the boys' because their district hasn't finished their position rounds (which ends much later than in my district). I felt okay about all of them but one. She just gave me a vibe that made me uncomfortable for some reason. Please hope that we don't get her, or if we do get her, that she just gave me a bad first impression.

School got out for all of us last Thursday. I dragged myself off campus and have been in a serious post school year haze since. I swear I fall asleep at the oddest times and sleep like a rock when in bed. It's been a week, and I am just now starting to feel slightly more human.

It has been interesting to be on summer break and have Is.aac here. It has come in handy in that I have been able to sleep a lot more than I would have, but it comes with its challenges, too. We've already managed to annoy and frustrate each other daily. (OMG he's always here. Why is he ALWAYS here?!?! I say that in the most loving way, of course.) That doesn't bode well for the rest of the summer.

I am still trying to sort out some sort of summer routine for us. The boys, especially Sh.awn, need to keep some of the structure that school gave them, but I don't want to exactly be ruled by a clock or a rigid schedule. I've already incorporated summer "school" into the day, but I haven't decided how I want the day to go beyond that. Not having anything planned is not going to work, I already know that. Let's just say I've already heard the dreaded "I'm bored" statement. Sigh.

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. :)

Friday Night Leftovers

9 more days. Only 9. I am beginning to wonder if I'll make it.

There has been a lot of drama of late, much of which directly and indirectly affects me (that I didn't cause, thankfully), so the stress at work has been ramped up about ten times above what it would normally be at this time of year. There has been contact with the union, rumblings of complaints, and a general feeling of unease and anger.

It's been fun.

~~~

Want to know how fast school bureaucracy works? The chair rails that were requested and ordered LAST YEAR for the boys were finally installed yesterday. Um, yeah.

~~~

Some of you already saw this on the boys' blog, but I just love these pictures...

The duo at 7 months actual (May 25, 2008)
Ja.son left, Sh.awn right

The duo at 6 years, 7 months (June 3, 2014)
Ja.son left, Sh.awn right

Are they not the cutest things?

~~~

And because I can't forget about littlest...

~~~

I have truly entered a new phase in my life. I am stress eating. Three different nights this week I ate ice cream drumsticks, four mini candy bars, and Pringles. WTF?

I don't stress eat? My MO is to NOT eat during stressful times. Sigh.

Work situation, I curse thee!

~~~

For more Leftovers, stop by Danifred's. :)

Friday Night Leftovers

18 days of school left. I can't wait.

~~~

Sh.awn had another "episode" last night. He went from laughing and giggling with his brother to being very nauseated and sick in the span of an hour.

It never fails to scare the crap out of me. I hate this for my poor guy.

He's feeling better today, thank goodness.

~~~

I officially submitted the paperwork to switch insurance. Sigh. It would be nice to be pleasantly surprised about how wonderful it is.

~~~

Did I mention that Sh.awn's aide has a daughter in my class? Um, yeah.

Awkward.

It's even more awkward because the daughter is not the most motivated student. Sigh.

~~~

Sh.awn is figured out this whole school thing and is rocking it. Yay.

Ja.son is doing well academically, too. He's found a friend who could already be considered a "trouble maker." (If a kid is the trouble maker in kinder, I can only imagine what he'll be like by the time he gets to eighth grade. Jeez.) Ja.son has told me a number of things this boys has said and done, and I'm worried. Ja.son's one weakness is his confidence. I can totally see a kid with a stronger personality taking advantage of that.

I may have to do what I can to make sure they are not in the same class next year.

~~~

We go to Sesame Street Live tomorrow afternoon. Wish us luck.

~~~

Jack loves listening to the Sesame Street characters sing the ABC song. He listens to it over and over again.

Until.

He loves listening to it ... until I start singing along that is. Almost immediately he'll change the song if he hears me. I think he's trying to tell me something. What do you think?

~~~

You know what's big for the kids at work lately?

Drawing penises.

They're not even very good renditions of penises--the look more like crudely drawn rockets if you ask me--but they are everywhere. In books. On walls. The geniuses even draw them on their desks (and are shocked when I know it's them) and on their bodies. It's been lovely.

This little tidbit probably explains why I'm so excited about only 18 more days of school.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. :)

Yay! I'm Not Alone!

Thank you for your comments on my last post. I find this kind of thing fascinating, and it is nice to know I am not alone in my food eating quirkiness.  :)

Megan brought up an interesting point in her comment. She said, "There are certain foods that have to be eaten certain ways, though. Like you have to stick a fork tine through the hole in penne pasta, you can't jab it. You have to eat candy corn one color at a time."

Megan, you are so, so right. There are certain foods that must be eaten in certain ways. Let's explore a few of my OCD food eating processes.

M&M/Skittles eating

I'm starting with this one because a friend on FB had a discussion on this, and I'd guess many people have a certain way to eat these. First, I must separate all the candies into groups by color. Then, starting with the group with the most candies, I eat the entire color group by twos until I either no longer have two of the same color or that color is gone. I work my way through the other colors in the same fashion. When all I have left is the remainders in each color group, I'll sometimes pair and eat them. Most often, though, I become generous (ahem) and share with my husband :)

Chocolate covered candies

If at all possible, I must completely eat the chocolate off before I eat the insides. For example, if I am eating a chocolate covered caramel, I eat all the chocolate off of the caramel and then eat the caramel.

Tortilla chips

First I eat all of the unbroken chips. I try to eat them in two bites (I have no idea why) by placing the largest end of the chip in my mouth for the first bite. That generally leaves a fairly small remainder for bite number two.

After all the whole chips are gone, I'll eat the broken chips. 

Burritos

With a fork, I open the burrito so I can eat all the insides first. I eat the tortilla last.

~~~

Okay, I'm stopping there. I'm sure there are others I could add, but writing those out made me feel crazy enough!

Which foods do you have to eat in a certain way? Come on, there has to be something! ;)

Maybe It Is Insane

I generally have the same lunch every day. This is partly because my lack of extra time in the mornings. Having the same thing definitely makes lunch making a breeze. It is also because I am not, nor have I ever been, an adventurous eater. I do, however, have different orders in which I eat my lunch depending on how my day is going.

Bad day = dessert first. For the bad days, clearly there is a need for a pick me up and dessert is certainly a start. The closer we get to the end of the school year, the more often I indulge in dessert first thing.

Okay/normal day = sandwich first. I tend to start with the sustenance to give my stomach something to do. The benefit it twofold: 1) I get to stop that incessant grumbling my stomach starts to make approximately 20 minutes before the bell rings for lunch, and 2) it gives me a base so I can slow down enough to talk to colleagues and enjoy the lunch break.

After I start, my eating guideline dictates that I completely finish one food before I eat another. I also try my hardest not to let my foods touch. If I could, I'd even go so far as to serve myself one thing at a time and eat it before returning for a serving of something else.

My husband thinks this is insane. (Maybe it is insane, but it's my insanity.)

While I am content to eat the same things over and over, he's more of a different food everyday for the rest of his life if he could swing it kind of person.

I read somewhere (sadly, I couldn't find the article) that those who eat the same things when out at restaurants are generally more content in life. The premise was that those who constantly seek to try new things do so because they are always after something more or better. Sticking to the tried and true meals you love is akin to being satisfied with what you have. It's an interesting thought, I guess.

So what food quirks do you have? Do you do anything as crazy as I do?