Sigh

Yesterday was December 19; the day I imagine I would have delivered my miracle baby. As much as I try not to allow days like this to take their hold on me, this one was hard to shake. Oh to be snuggling a newborn, inhaling that new baby scent.

Today was December 20; the day Is.aac learned he will be officially laid off from his job of thirteen years as of December 31. I am beyond angry about all of it, as there were promises that this wouldn't happen. "Your job is secure until the end of 2014," they said earlier this month. Lies, all lies.

I think some would say that I should be grateful that I don't have a newborn baby to consider in the middle of all of this mess, that his layoff would be twice as devastating if we had to deal with me on maternity leave and him being out of work at the same time. They'd tell me that miscarrying that very wanted baby was part of a supreme being's plan...a blessing in disguise even.

I can't say those things though. I don't think I ever could say those things. To me, the timing of our due date and his lay off doesn't mean that not having one makes the other easier to digest. To the contrary, all they've done has made this week even shittier than it would have been otherwise.

~~~

It is the really big events like these that point out how different Is.aac and I process and deal with things. It is hard for me to understand where he goes in that head of his. He says little and shares his thoughts and emotions even less. It's isolating for me and ends up magnifying my stress tenfold. I need immediate action, even if that means simply processing (aloud so I'm included would be nice). He sits and reflects, quietly turning possibilities over in his mind all while I lose my own because he just. won't. talk.

~~~

I'm trying to put on a happy face for the boys. They are SO into the whole Christmas thing this year, loving it all--every discussion of Santa, crafts we've done, singing carols, finding that damn elf each morning, everything. Their anticipation is palpable, and I am enjoying watching them enjoy this season.

~~~

Sigh. I keep trying to tell myself that things will be okay. I went right to work calculating money scenarios. With unemployment, it will definitely be tighter, but it won't break us. It will, however, affect my mom (she is our childcare and we pay her), and that has me more than a little stressed. She does rely on watching the boys.

I'm also trying to remember that this is the push he needed to actually find a job that will pay him what he's worth. He was underpaid in his current job. His loyalty to them made him unwilling to really fight to be paid what he was worth. As unsettling as this is, I hope it will be a good thing once we are on the other side.

But right now, things suck quite a bit. Merry Christmas, right?

You Just Have to Laugh

Sh.awn had another great day. Let's keep marking those days off...only 8 more months to go.

~~~

(Cross posted with the boys' blog because how could I not share this here?)

Remember our picture day escapades? The ones in which attempt number one was a flop and day two, while successful in that pictures were actually taken, was not a whole lot better?

Well, we got the pictures today. I was so excited to see them; I could barely contain myself.

I rushed home after work, pulled out the pictures and saw Sh.awn.

He's got that side eyed look of someone not too sure of who he's looking at. His right eyebrow is slightly raised as if to punctuate the whole "Who the heck are you?" question. I don't know. Maybe the question is "What am I doing here?" Either way, he looks a tad bit confused about the whole thing. While my original assessment was that it wasn't the best picture of Sh.awn (by any stretch of the word), it was at least understandable once you consider the story behind it.

I chuckled to myself as I put his packet aside and pulled out Ja.son's packet.

I was rewarded with this gem. I laughed out loud again because, well, look at it.

The poor guy--his look is a cross between a half attempt at a nervous smile and the terrified, wide-eyed look of a guy with a demented creature knocking at his door. Ja.son's own words were, "What's wrong with me?" I told him I didn't know. We spent the next five minutes trying to get him to mimic that lip curl he's got going there. Of course HE COULDN'T DO IT!

Is.aac kept walking around saying that Ja.son's picture reminds him of someone. He finally figured out who a few minutes ago. You ready for this? He thinks Ja.son looks a lot like Debbie Downer. OMG. I nearly died.

Sigh. These kids of mine are quite the pair.

I'm torn on whether I should tempt fate for a third time (although it is supposed to be a charm) and try to get a better shot of each or just call it a day and go with these.

What do you think? ;-)

Le Sigh

Friday night, I tested. My boobs were sore, and it struck me that the last time my boobs were sore, I was pregnant.

I got the faintest of faint lines. It got a little darker the rest of the weekend. Hope crept back in.

I didn't test yesterday...everyone is sick, so I didn't really have a chance. I had run out of tests anyway.

I don't know if you can see it here, but there
were definite lines. This one was from Saturday.

 

Today I started bleeding while I was in the middle of class. Oh, that was all kinds of fun.

 

Sigh.

 

~~~

 

For what it's worth, the meeting went fine at the boys' school today. We initiated testing for the boys. (Ja.son just OT/PT. Sh.awn is getting the whole shebang as far as testing goes. It feels awful to see all those boxes detailing the different areas to be tested checked, let me just say.) We'll have IEP's in place for both within 60 days.

 

It's been a day.

Friday Night Leftovers

On Sunday we headed out to Disneyland with the boys. I have to say that it went so much better than I anticipated. We met several characters and watched parades (which was hard last time because everything was so loud). We even ventured on quite a few rides! The boys were pretty well behaved the entire time, despite staying up late, getting up early, and not really napping. I couldn't have asked for much more than what we got, it was that nice.

I did a few posts over on the boys' blog here and here if you'd like to see pictures.

~~~

When we got home and I had yet to see any information from the boys' school, I called to see when we'd get something. Come to find out, the boys had been registered for first grade rather than kinder because of their birthdate. (They made the cut-off for kinder last year by four days. I held them out another year any way.) They also were not in the same class like we were told would happen.

Um, hello? Why would I have filled out KINDER registration forms if I wanted them placed in first grade?

A few phone calls later and everything was cleared up, but still. It doesn't instill confidence when that kind of thing happens.

And WTF??? about every single thing we try to do becoming an issue? Come on, universe, this is ridiculous!

Anyway, Tuesday is a meet and greet with their teacher. They start school on Wednesday. I started hyperventilating yesterday. It's all good.

~~~

Ja.son asked me what would happen if someone brought a knife to school and cut his leg in half.*

OMFG! There is never anything on the television other than Nick Jr. or Disney Jr. while they are awake. I don't watch the news until 11 pm. Frankly, the boys are as sheltered from violence as much as I can possibly make them. I have no idea where that kind of comment could have come from, but it rattled me.

I don't know if maybe this is some kind of response to the recent walking and standing (20 seconds so far and counting!) that he's doing, or if he really did hear something somewhere and internalized the fear. Maybe it's a combination of both. It makes me sad, though, that he has that kind of thought floating around in that brain of his no matter what the reason behind it.

*I told him that he did not have to worry about that kind of thing happening. He will be very safe at school. He then went on to ask what would happen if he fell down at recess. Sigh.

~~~

On Wednesday I read in the newspaper that the Ea.ster Se.als pool at which the boys get their therapy is going to close. Apparently it would be costly to make repairs to the 40 year old pool, so they decided they'll close it.

Today. They closed the pool today. The employees (and therapists) were told the pool was closing four days ago. So...yeah. It looks like we won't be doing swimming therapy for a while. Bummer.

Universe, please see the above WTF item. Sigh.

~~~

I start school on the 26th.

What happened to summer?

It went by too fast!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

I Swear This Kind of Crap Always Happens to Me

Thursday started wonderfully, with even the boys cooperating for the most part (they slept in!), for 4 and a half hours. From about 12:30 forward, the day slowly and surely started spiraling out of control.

 

That's when I got a call from a nurse coordinator from our insurance company asking if I had any questions or needed any help managing my prenatal care. When I told her I miscarried in May, she said she was sorry, and she'd update my files. She added, "Have a nice day!" before she hung up.

 

There's nothing like a little sucker punch to the gut to make the day cheery, right? Apparently the universe didn't get the message that it was my day off from crap. Sigh.

Then, to add more fun, I started my period on CD17. Cue freaking out about what this all means about my fertility because oh my god this has never happened before and I'm so old and how can this possibly be okay? (TMI - Lest you think that this might be a good sign or something, we're not talking about a little well timed spotting to indicate wanted things like implantation. Oh no. We're talking about a heavy bleeding episode that was at least equal to if not more bleeding than my usual af.)

I made it through the rest of the day. It clearly wasn't the best days I'd had, but I tried to salvage as much of the "day off" mentality as I could. As I was getting ready for bed, I went to grab my toothbrush in the holder and found a spider sitting on my toothbrush. The stupid thing had started webbing from the brush to the holder. (Yes, I had used my toothbrush that morning!) I swear the sucker was shaking his legs in defiance while I stared at it in disbelief and rapidly building horror.

I lost my shit.

I do not do spiders. By that I mean I really don't do spiders.

I ran to get Is.aac to make him destroy my bathroom as there was no way in hell I was going back in there the spider. Upon inspecting the one spider (he did not agree that it was shaking its legs), he found ANOTHER SPIDER right NEXT to my toothbrush. I am so glad I had missed the leg shaker's little friend. Seriously. I would never be able to brush my teeth, much less pee, in that bathroom again had I seen it.

My shit was lost again. Thinking about it still makes me shudder.

Needless to say, I did not brush my teeth that night. I am now the proud owner of a band spanking new toothbrush located in the other bathroom.

It was the ultimate bad day trifecta.

This kind of crap always happens to me.

More Work to Do

I am surrounded by newly pregnant people. There are ultrasounds to discuss and plenty of morning sickness to sympathize.

It's tiring.

I knew a whole new can of worms would be opened after all of this. It's one thing to want it but not really expect it. It's quite another to want it and have proof that it could.

With this month's appearance of my period, right on cue I might add, I was shocked at how crushed I felt. I had been holding my breath...hoping, more than I realized actually, that the miracle would happen again.

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck” (Dalai Lama)

I'm trying to get to the point where I feel like this.

I definitely have a lot more work to do before I'll get there, that's for sure.

What?The?Hell?

I got this in the mail today.

I had an ultrasound on the 8th that showed no growth. Results were faxed to my OB that afternoon.

I miscarried on the 11th.

I had an OB appointment on the 13th, during which we discussed my fabulous Mother's Day weekend full of bleeding and cramping.

Blood work #2 confirmed declining beta.

We were all clear that there was no hope here; yet someone still felt the need to get an authorization for a c-section anyway.

Worse yet, someone felt the need to get an authorization for a tubal ligation while they were at it.

Not only is this a dagger to the heart, but I am beyond angry about the tubal ligation. I never suggested that I wanted to tie my tubes. It was never mentioned because hello! I was busy fucking miscarrying a much wanted miracle pregnancy.

Tell me this is common practice everywhere, so I don't lose my shit all over again.

Never mind.

It's too late. My shit has been lost.

Sometimes Most of the time I hate doctors.

Le Sigh.

The OB finally called me yesterday to tell me the "stat" results of last Monday's beta. Apparently, "stat" means results will be in a week later.

It was 214.

Of course they want me to test again and chase the number back to 0. I go pick up the slip tomorrow or Thursday, depending on if I can make it there after therapy tomorrow.

I took an hpt today. Still positive. Grr. It's light, though, so I am hoping that the next beta will be close enough to zero that I won't have to do another. Hopefully Friday will be enough time to get me there.

I just want it all over.

I want to be able to squash the devil in my head that has begun to chant maybe lightening can strike again...maybe I'll get another positive soon. It can happen. It just did.

That line of thinking is going to lead to nowhere good.

Sigh.

This Takes It Too Far

Got an email from one of the aides the program I coordinate has hired. She's pregnant*. She wanted to tell me early to make sure she'd still be able to work for us next year even if she's pregnant. (I assured her all will be okay in that regard.)

Any guesses as to when she's due?

Yep. The. EXACT. same. day. as. my. pregnancy. would. have. been.

If it wasn't so totally fucked up, I'd have to laugh.

I mean, really?

REALLY?

The universe really thinks I need a live reminder of what could have been?

Sigh. This just takes it too far. A person only has so much strength and resilience. Mine are quickly reaching their limits.

Oh, and universe, let me just say that you suck.

~~~

*I am happy for this girl. She is one of my former students and is a pretty amazing young woman. Still, I could have done without the timing of it all.

Not Yet, But Soon Enough

The last week definitely ranks among the crappiest I've had in a long while. I officially miscarried on Saturday, and somehow I can't help but think that losing a pregnancy over Mother's Day weekend is the ultimate middle finger from the universe.

Sigh.

I thought I was managing things as well as could be expected. I was teary, but not overly so, until yesterday. Oh holy hell how I struggled yesterday. Even the tiniest thing was enough to send my emotions in a tailspin of despair. I did everything in my power to keep myself from falling apart (hello, stupid here went to work yesterday), and by mid afternoon the inside of my mouth was chewed to pieces in my attempts to stop the tears from falling. I barely managed to make it through an OB appointment before completely losing it in the car on the way home. But I survived, which I guess is the important part to remember. Thankfully, Is.aac was kind enough to let me just have some time to have a really good ugly cry last night.

I am not okay yet, but I hope I'll get there soon enough with time.

The problem, though, is that this experience has strengthened my desire for another baby. When I didn't think it could happen without medical intervention, I was trying to let the dream go. Now that it has happened, it's definitely renewed all of the feelings I tried to squash. I can feel myself being pulled into thinking, planning, and counting days until I ovulate like some sort of infertility addict. At the same time, the prospect of hoping for lightening to strike again only to be let down month after month tears me up inside.

It makes me wonder why something like this happens. Is it the universe trying to fuck with my head? Was it just for the experience of surprise? Maybe it's a sign to not give up believing? I don't know. I wish I did.

I'm sure it would make things a whole heck of a lot easier in my head.

The Beginning of the End

Six years ago tomorrow, we were celebrating our first really good beta. On Mother's Day two days later, we learned that the beta more than doubled. That positive brought us our boys.

Tonight I marked the anniversary by starting my period, which as if the ultrasound wasn't enough, removes all hope about the possibility of viability. There is no mistaking that this is the end of a much wanted and longed for "miracle" pregnancy.

Sigh.

I am so angry at the universe...at my body. All I want to do is crawl into my head and throw a tantrum of epic proportion, one full of kicking and hitting until my muscles ache and screaming until my throat is raw. But I don't have that luxury. There are three little people to raise. Work to do. Important school meetings to attend. Holidays to celebrate.

I feel so broken.

This one is hard.

I Don't Understand

No change in growth from last scan. Not viable.

I'm just...

Yeah.

Residual

If there is one annoying residual from my experiences over the last five years, it would be my complete disdain for making plans.

Honestly, I try to avoid making plans at all costs. It is really bad.

I hate making plans ahead of time. I know it is my PTSD controlling me, but I can't help it. I got so afraid of making plans because it seemed that every single time I did, something would happen. Now while the rational part of me knows that isn't the case, my heart can tick off the times when our plans went south.

We got an invite to a cousin's kid's first birthday for this Saturday. I couldn't bring myself to RSVP until the very last minute, and when I finally did commit I just knew I was pissing off fate.

Sure enough, Sh.awn started throwing up this evening.

I HATE it when he throws up. Ugh.

The good news (if you can call it that) is it looks like he has a fever, too. (Which for us makes it more likely that this is a bug of some kind rather than his head.)

But, this is not something my psyche needs to deal with right now. I could do without any more scab picking at this particular moment.

Keep on keeping on, right?

I Think My Head Is Going to Explode

because seriously, people. This is getting old.

Grr. Skin tests for both my mom and brother were negative, but because my grandmother had a negative skin test and my brother is a fucking hypochondriac and thinks he has all of the symptoms for TB*, they both got chest X-rays and blood work to double check that they are really negative. They won't get the results back for 2 weeks.

(I'm like, um? you didn't ask for sooner because we're like stuck without childcare here at the worst possible time for us and it would be really nice if we knew one way or another officially before I send my kids to you and risk exposure to a contagious lung disease in their 12 week premature fucking lungs?)

So...now we send the boys to my mom's without an official negative or try to figure out some way to provide childcare for them for these next two weeks until we get the all clear. Which, you know, is challenging for me considering I start teaching students tomorrow and all.

My mom feels strongly that her additional tests will be negative. Who knows for my brother. When they talked to public health while at my grandmother's, they were told that even if their skin tests were positive, they would be considered "latent" and not contagious. My research confirmed that that would most likely be the case if their x-rays are clear. So, Isaac feels like it will be okay to send them. I was all set to agree once they got the negative skin tests.

Only...how can I really be sure now? The public health official in our county thought there was enough doubt to do further testing on them both. And 6-9 months of medication (at what we've been told is $300 a MONTH per person) for the boys because I was wrong is just not acceptable to me.

That means today I am fucking angry about all the whole situation. It's probably irrational and self centered and who knows what else, but I don't care anymore.

All of this should just be done already. But no...let's prolong the drama for a little longer because we don't have enough shit to deal with on a general basis.

Then, for added fun, Jack just threw up some cheese puffs through his nose (only? maybe? because he hiccuped and laughed?). That's just what I need. Let's have him aspirate on some of that and get pneumonia.

Which will probably be diagnosed as TB in a chest x-ray because Hey! Why not?!

Sigh.

~~~

*Of course he has the symptoms of TB because he has chronic lung disease (hello smoking!) with some other decidedly non TB issues. And he's a nut.

~~~

Please forgive any typos and/or grammarical and spelling errors. I am too ticked to go back and attempt an edit.

I Just Don't Wanna & an Update

I go back to work tomorrow. I just don't want to. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy my job once the school year gets underway, but I have to admit that each year it is taking me longer and longer to get into the school mode.

Which is the simple way of saying I am not ready. Most of that stuff I had left to do on Friday is still not done. I did go in and finish my room. That's something!

~~~

Mom and my brother still have no reaction on their TB tests. Here's hoping it stays that way until tomorrow at 1. They do have to go back in 10 weeks for a retest, but we have been told they are likely not contagious if they do ultimately come up positive.

We still have not been contacted by our public health for out testing. If they haven't gotten things squared away by the time the pediatrician comes back, then we've decided to have it done there and get it over with.

I'm definitely feeling a lot calmer about the whole thing now.

Friday Night Leftovers

Three days. That's all that's left of my summer break. I am beyond sad.

With my mom gone, and the fact that I work in the hood and it isn't safe to go at night, I haven't really been able to go set up my classroom. I went one day last weekend, but I have at least another 5 or so hours ahead of me before I'll feel finished. Plus, I have to lesson plan.

I am dragging my feet on all of it.

We have yet another principal this year also. I think there is the misconception by the staff that they are going to love her. They are in for a world of shock once she starts shaking things up around that place. (I am all for the shaking part. I am not, however, looking forward to the growing pains the staff will go through while the shaking happens. They bitch enough without having something to bitch about--I fear when they actually do have a reason to complain it is going to be unbearable.)

There is also that little tidbit about me liking being home with the boys and I will miss being a stay at home mom. Le sigh.

~~~

We have not had our TB tests yet. Good grief this whole mess is a fine example of horrible timing and bureaucracy at its worst.

Wouldn't you know that the boys' pediatrician is on vacation until the 27th? Of course she is. There is not another ped in her office (they'd refer us out), but with our boys' rather ... intense fear of anyone in a white coat, I don't really want to do that either. That left going to the public health office.

However, we can go there but we'd have to pay about $150 to get us all tested because my grandmother's county, which is in another state, has not yet released the information to our county. Having to pay that much is annoying, but dude, I just want this over.

Except, the timing of when we test will determine if we have to have to be retested again later.

My mom and brother were supposed to get their tests today (in the other state) so we'll be able to know our chances of testing positive by Monday when theirs get read. If they are negative, it is pretty assured that we will be too. If theirs are positive...well, then I'd say we would be as well.

I don't want any of us to be positive, okay universe? Please?

Is.aac continues to struggle with this whole situation. He will look over at me and just sigh. While I am trying to laugh my way through it, he is just upset.

I can understand where he's coming from, as this is the second time we've fallen victim to my family's friendly fire. (The first time being when my mom went to Michigan and brought back shingles and Lyme disease. We think the shingles gave the boys chicken pox about two months before I could get them the vaccinated.)

But still, my family's cooties are no match for his family's crazy. His family wins, hands down. Just saying.

~~~

The boys were challenging today (for some reason Friday's end up that way). Is.aac's came home for two hours before heading to his friend's house for the evening.

All I could think was wtf? Then I thought I am so going to pretend I don't hear the boys in the morning and make him get up with them. Seriously.

~~~

Highs and lows from the week:

• The whole TB thing? Low. Definitely low.
• The end of summer? Low.
• Talking to an awesome online friend for an interview on infertility was a High! I'll write more about that soon.
• Walking into Jack's room to find him mostly naked and smiling like a goon was a High! (Kids pull off their clothes?! I did not have to deal with that with the big boys. If anything, they were begging me to put more clothes on them, not take them off!)
• Seeing a shooting star with the big boys. :-) High!
• Letting the boys swim in our kiddie pool. It was work for me, especially keeping Jack from biting the side of the pool and the big two from throwing water in each other's faces, but they LOVED it. High!
• Ja.son lost his second tooth this week. I love the tooth fairy. It is so fun to watch their excitement over it all!

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers!

So My Mom, My Brother, and My Grandma Go to Michigan

where at least one of them comes back with an active case of TB and exposed us all! Possibly all three of them! Yea!

Seriously, people. I wouldn't believe it if it didn't happen to us. Then again, all kinds of crazy shit happen to us so why why wouldn't I believe it? I should just automatically assume that there will be something crazy around the corner so I'm not surprised.

Did I mention I don't really like surprises much?

Sigh.

Guess the whole family gets to go get tested at the public health office. Doesn't that sound like fun? I know you're jealous. Too bad I didn't add "Test for infectious diseases" on our Summer Bucket list. We would have nailed it.

If am seriously going to cry if my mom and/or brother test positive. She wouldn't be able to watch the boys for 2-12 weeks...

Because there's that little matter of starting back to work on Monfuckingday.

And my boys go to my mom's house while I work.

And we have no backup except missing work.

And she's had an annoying little cough that came after my grandmother's visit in DECEMBER

Which could totally be the allergies/sinus drainage we (and her dr) thought it was,

Or that pesky TB thing. No biggie, right?

We'll know soon enough seeing how the C D C is now on the case and hunting us all down.

Is.aac's a tad upset. He just apparently had a Tom Cruise a la Rain Man moment. You know that part where he stops the car in the middle of the road, jumps out, and screams "son of a biiiiiitccchhh!"?

Yep, he's handling this well, too.

I'm trying to laugh. It's either that or cry.

Started Back to Work Today

Does this tell you how it went?

And that was only the first serving.

Yeah.

It was that fun. Thank GOD there's only 5 days left.

---

There's a much better picture to look at on the boys' blog if you're interested.

Whew

Tuesday was yet another day of appointment making. This time, we were off to the children's hospital for CT scans and follow ups with the neurosurgeon. Ugh, I hate the neurosurgeon's office.*

Yep. Good times, especially when you consider that we had our appointments for the scans at noon and the boys were not supposed to eat after midnight in case we had to sedate them for the scans.

But the thought that they would get us in at noon was optimistic on our parts. We really didn't even get started on the scans until nearly 2:00. I had hoped...but I knew better.

With all of the waiting/stress, guess who started spotting bright red and had some fun cramping? I am so lucky, I know. The universe is quite the bitch sometimes.**

Sigh.

Both boys were able to remain still enough to get semi decent images. (Sh.awn was a rock star and was absolutely still with daddy singing to him. Ja.son had his scan done twice because his hiccuping breaths blurred the first series. The second series was still somewhat blurry, but readable, thanks largely to playing the Cars movie on my phone. Don't get me started on the fact that he was double radiated. Sigh.) In the end, no sedation was needed thankfully.

All things considered, the boys were fabulous, too. By the time they finally got to eat lunch, it had been a full 18+ hours since they had last had food. They didn't complain once about being hungry the entire time we were there. (They did, however, complain about the nurse trying to take their vitals and looking in their direction in general, but that doesn't count. They have a pretty healthy fear of all things in a white coat. Poor guys.)

Our neurosurgeon appointment went well. I could see from the scans before the doctor came into the room that things looked good. (What? You can't read a CT scan of your kids' head? Ahem.) Ja.son's scan showed no change from 2009. Sh.awn's showed marked improvement from 2009. Whoot! We don't have to go back for another scan/maintenance appointment for two years. That was music to my ears, let me tell you.

It was a full ten hours out of our day for two 30 second scans and less than 10 minutes with the doctor.

I am so happy we just keep ticking these appointments off like they are nothing. A girl could get used to this. :-) Next up is Sh.awn's pre-op appointment and Ja.son's follow-up eye exam. Then a blissful clear schedule until Sh.awn's eye surgery on the 27th. Yeah.

---

*I always see the asshole doctor at these appointments, even though we are actually patients of the head of the department and not him. Still, he is there. We'll see him in the background...walking around the office...on the phone. The sight of him makes me instantly furious. I hate that man with a passion that is almost scary.

He wasn't in the office today. I was worried we'd run into him on the elevator again. Nope. We had almost made it out of the building before we ran into him. Like literally, we were in the doorway leaving the office building when he walked up to the door. He remembers me, too. I feel honored. Not. Is it sad that it made me satisfied that he was really gray and wrinkly for someone who is the same age as me?

**I spotted bright red the entire time we were at the hospital. Then nothing. Nothing today either. Cramping stopped last night. Not sure what that was all about.

---

I posted some cute pictures of the boys on the other blog if you're interested. :-)

Friday Night Leftovers

Yeah, yeah. I know. It's Saturday and not Friday. Does it help to know I started this yesterday?

• Did my estrogen recheck on Friday morning. I was most upset about the whole thing. The clinic is 26 miles away from my house, and there was absolutely no traffic. I left my house at 7:15 am but didn't get back home until 9:15. There wasn't a lab slip written up for me when I got there, nor were there any notes about why I needed blood work. They finally had to ask me why I was there. Sigh. Anyway, my estrogen was 36. I got the go ahead to start stims on Monday. Next appointment is on Wednesday.
• The new phlebotomist asked if I fainted at the sight of blood. I wanted to smack her. I've probably had my blood drawn more often than she's ever done it herself. You can't have a five inch medical file (which she had in her hands, mind you) and not be able to make it through a blood test.
• Speaking of file thickness, I am extremely jealous of those women with the nice thin files who are obviously there for pregnancy scans.
• Does that make me a hard core IF'er now?
• Sh.awn ruptured my eardrum this week. He turned his head and hit my chin just left of center. It wasn't even hard, but I immediately felt an intense pain in my left ear. The pain was followed by the feeling that I had water in my ear and this weird whooshing sensation. Freaky. Anyway, the doctor confirmed that my eardrum was ruptured. Now I get some antibiotic drops for my ear to ensure it doesn't get infected.
• Remember how I said that my insurance was changing? Well, the last day of one provider's coverage was the day my eardrum ruptured. I hadn't yet got my new insurance cards, so I had to call to get my member ID# to fill my prescription. After an HOUR and four different phone calls, I found I am not in the new insurance company's system yet. My district office still had the forms I hand delivered to them nearly two weeks ago. My district said (when I asked WTF?) I needed to fill out a form before they could send my enrollment papers to the trust (we contract for insurance with several other districts in our area to save costs. That is all overseen by the trust). They didn't bother to check to see if the trust already had these stupid papers (which they did), they just picked their nose and made my life more challenging.
• I had to pay full price for my prescription and will have to go through the hassle of getting reimbursed once I know that I am officially insured.
• Oh, and the best part was that I found out the district office sent an email about me to the insurance trust and said I was Stephanie. WTF? I've worked for this district for over 12 freaking years as a contracted teacher and 2 additional years as a sub. Shouldn't they know my NAME by now? There are only 12 schools in my district, people.
• Stupidity makes me go insane.

• Sh.awn had his left bottom molar break through. He is still a bear and is hit and miss with his eating, but seeing that little fleck of white sure made me feel better.