Friday, November 30, 2007

I am mostly back to normal energy wise. Finally. The time on bed rest and all of the hospital drama really kicked my butt. The only thing I am struggling with is some weird head rushes/light headedness that I get when I get up from sitting or laying. Not sure what is up with that.

I made my 6 week appointment with the OB. I must say that have enjoyed having my girlie parts to myself for awhile so I am not really looking forward to the appointment. It seemed like everyone was visiting down below while I was trying to get pregnant and during the pregnancy itself. Everyone but Isaac was getting lucky. IVF cycles tend to put a crimp in the actual love life. Plus, we were on TOTAL pelvic rest for the entire pregnancy with an exception of about four weeks. Anyway, Isaac is excited to get an all clear so he can't wait! :-) I have to admit that I'll enjoy the all clear, too!

I am now eight pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I lost all that I gained from the babies by the first week after delivery. The rest was all of the extra I put on while on the fertility meds. I am a little loose in the belly still, especially right above my incision so I need to tone up a little more. People seem surprised when I tell them that I just had twins.

I have spent the day cleaning my garage. It is still a mess from when we remodeled our kitchen--ourselves. I got pregnant before all of it was finished, so there is still stuff to do: finish tiling the back splash (mostly done, it just needs the pieces around the window), grouting, installing the trim around the new cabinets, and painting the inside of the window. I would love to have it finished before the babies come home. I think I can do it, but I need to get going on it.

Of course, don't get me started on the fact that I have concrete floors right now or that I haven't finished the babies' room...

So much to do and so little time...

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Let's Be Positive Today...

We finally got ahold of THE doctor yesterday. Say Amen for small miracles! Well, she was one of the doctors we were trying to get ahold of. Anyway, I got a good feeling from her. She seems to be pro-baby and not as much "let's do all the procedures we can".

The goal is to try to get the babies in tomorrow for their reservoirs. While the babies are not symptomatic yet, the doctor doesn't want to wait until they are symptomatic to act. (I agree with this.) Apparently, though, the evasive neurosurgeons are putting the boys at the end of their patient list because they don't have symptoms. The catch twenty-two. The doctor we spoke with was trying to work on that problem.

She also said that they would let the babies tell them what to do next. For once, she actually said that we want the bleeds to resolve themselves without further intervention. (the doctors at the other hospital had said that all along) If the babies can't resolve the bleeds, then they would proceed to shunting.

She also said that they don't like to shunt babies this little so after the reservoirs are placed, she would have no problem with them returning to our local hospital. I almost fainted at that! And I could have kissed her.

That has made sense to me all along. If they are only going to observe them and tend to their daily needs, I didn't understand why it had to be there and not at our local hospital. Especially after they place the reservoirs. I was under the impression when they were moved that they would tap their ventricles and then return them to our hospital anyway. Finally someone understands that.

Something to feel positive about, right? I am taking whatever I can get now.

More exciting news is that Sh.awn tried his first bottle today. The nurse said he looked like he was ready to try nippling, so she gave him 5ccs in a bottle. He apparently wasn't ready for all of the hard work and didn't enjoy it. No worries, he'll get more practice! I sooo wish I was there. Hopefully, we'll try it again when I am there.

Weights continue to rise: Sh.awn is 4lbs 5ozs while Ja.son is 4lbs 13ozs.

All in all, today is a good day!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

So Sweet...

Our first family picture...



The boys together...







It is a good thing that my tears don't compromise my strength because tonight has been a night full of them.

We finally got to see a doctor. Not the doctor we wanted to see, but a doctor with some information. My mind is still reeling from what she said. It was so surreal to watch her mouth move and know that what she was saying was so important. I just couldn't process it all. Or so I thought. I really had been listening to her. I knew what she was saying. I just didn't want to hear it.

While she said she wasn't part of the "team" for the babies, she had "heard" that we wanted to talk to a doctor. (Wonder what gave her that idea? Suppose it was the MANY calls all day or the I want to talk to a doctor speech we gave when we got there?) Both boys have hydrocephalus. The neurosurgeon (who we have yet to talk to) has decided that they will have a reservoir put into their heads so they don't have to have needles inserted repeatedly in their heads to relieve the pressure. Then, when they get to 2 kilos (which they both are already so she must be wrong with this number) they will put in shunts.

Shunts. That scary word. It gives me chills.

She gives us all this second hand info and proceeds to take her two little med school flunkies (sorry to those of you in the medical field--I am just not in a good place right now) a few feet away and talks about the other babies in the room. "So and so has had this happen...I would not try that anymore, it is useless. Go to (insert something awful) and then do (insert something even worse). You guys should be there when they do that. It is a fascinating procedure." Blah, blah, blah.

They weren't that far from us. I could hear it all. And it broke my heart to know that they talked about my babies that way, too.

I just started crying and couldn't stop.

I cried all the way home and still cry when I think about it. The guilt is back big time. If only...

I want to talk to the neurosurgeon.

I want all of this to go away and for the babies to be healthy.

What if they aren't? What if they have permanent damage because I failed them? What if, what if...

The evening had started off so well, too. I got to hold both babies at the same time. It was heaven. They were so comfortable there together. Then the nurses put little Santa hats and Christmas socks on them and took our first family picture. It was so nice...

and then back to reality at a hospital I hate with doctors that I am beginning to hate even more.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I feel like I have a split personality going.

I have two blogs. There is this one, where I feel comfortable posting thoughts and feelings about almost anything. Mostly. It is anonymous for the most part and not read by family or friends in real life. Is.aac doesn't even read it unless I show him a particular post I want him to see. Then there is the babies' blog, where I post updates and pictures of the boys. That is read by family and friends.

I haven't said anything to family outside of my mom about the boys' bleeds. I don't know why, but I just don't want anyone in the family to know. Maybe I am trying to protect them. Maybe I am trying to protect myself. All I know is that I don't want them to know about all of this.

That makes for some interesting blogging and question dodging. Because no one knows about the bleeds, no one knows about the new hospital. If they knew, they would want to know why they were there. Then there are questions about when they can come visit the babies. Well, I don't know! (Is.aac has not felt comfortable letting people except my mom in to see the babies. We were fortunate, though, that the babies' beds were by a window that could open to allow people outside the NICU to see just our babies without them coming inside.)

On this blog I can just let things go into the universe--positive and negative. I can talk about fears and doubts. On the babies' blog, I have been trying to keep things upbeat and positive. I only write about the good things that are going on with the babies.

Am I making things more difficult for myself this way? Maybe. Probably. Sigh.

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We are not going to the hospital until after Is.aac gets home from work. The NICU is closed from 6:30-7:30 for the shift change. The thought is that we are going to try to meet the night shift right after it starts. Not sure how that will work out.

We've been on the phone all day, trying to get ahold of a doctor there. Any doctor. The only one available is that second year (doesn't she ever leave) and we don't really want to talk to her again. She doesn't know much so we just end up frustrated. This is ridiculous.

Supposedly one will be available at 2:30. Why am I not holding my breath that he'll talk to us?

The first neurosurgeon we talked to is supposed to be there tonight...wanna make a bet about whether or not we get to talk to him?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Nothing new to report so far. We left for the hospital this morning at 9:30 am (to avoid the traffic), hoping to see the doctors during rounds. The neurosurgeon was also supposed to be there at around the same time. The only doctor we got to talk to was this very young second year. And we had talked to her the night the babies were admitted. She couldn't tell us much more than they were stable. Very helpful. We waited until 4:30 for the neurosurgeon before someone got ahold of someone to find out that he wasn't sure when or if he was coming today. Sigh. This was definitely another case of hurry up to wait...

On a good note, we got to hold both babies for quite some time. They are soooo sweet! I still have to resist the urge to grab them and make a run for it.

Weights are up too: Jason is 4lbs 9ozs and Shawn is 4lbs 1oz.

And I got Shawn's umbilical cord. He finally lost it last night. Not sure what I am going to do with it exactly, but I just had to have it!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Today just kept getting worse by the hour.

The NICU doctor called the house pretty early today to say that he wanted to have the babies transported to another hospital--an hour and a half away (without traffic). Both babies' head circumferences were growing at a rate faster than what the doctors wanted to see. Both were diagnosed with hydrocephalus, which apparently isn't uncommon in babies with brain bleeds. There are no pediatric neurosurgeons in my county, so we had to go to where one was.

They were taken one at a time via ambulance to the new hospital. Sh.awn went first because he had more swelling than Ja.son. I held him for about forty-five minutes before they loaded him into his little travel incubator and whisked him away.

I wasn't allowed on the ambulance with Sh.awn. I could follow behind them in my car, but Is.aac wasn't home (wouldn't you know it) and I didn't want to leave Ja.son behind.

So I stayed with Ja.son for an hour and a half until Is.aac got there. I kissed Ja.son goodbye and we took off to the new hospital.

Talk about culture shock. I like my "old" NICU so much better. The nurses and doctors all seemed to be efficient and nice, but the place just seems so cold. Plus, we were wanded with a metal detector at the entrance and there was a security guard at the entrance to the NICU wing. Scary.

After what seemed like forever, Ja.son arrived at the new hospital, too. We had to wait another eternity for the pediatric neurosurgeon to show up. He said the boys would have ventricular taps in the morning. (This is like a spinal tap, only they go through the soft spot on the babies' heads and pull fluid directly out of the ventricles in their brains.) I pray that this relieves the pressure and stops the swelling.

Now I don't know how long the babies will have to stay at the new hospital. I am not sure I can take it if they have to stay there from here on out...

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My milk is officially dried up. I have been pumping ten times a day and taking fenugreek since Tuesday, and I have 7 ml to show for it. Total. All together. Combined. I decided to stop pumping today. I can't describe how emotional it makes me to think about it. And to think I didn't even want to have anything to do with breast milk while I was pregnant.

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I started my period today, too.

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Today just sucked. There is no other way to put it. S.U.C.K.E.D.

****Updated to add that the ventricular tap was a no go today (Sunday). They will be evaluated again tomorrow (Monday) morning. That is great news that they are not as bad as the first doctors thought. Plus, every extra day gives them the chance to start clearing up their bleeds on their own without intervention. That would be the best case scenario.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Suck On It!!!

Suck on it, Shawn! His first attempts at a pacifier...



Jason is now wearing clothes. It won't be long before he gets his pacifier, too!



Wednesday, November 21, 2007

32 weeks gestation today...if I was still pregnant that is.

Sh.awn had his feeding tube moved from his mouth to his nose yesterday! This is great news because now he can start practicing his sucking. (Sucking is one of the last milestones before discharge! Most babies start sucking at about 34 weeks gestation, so this is still a little early for him.) They have given Sh.awn the tiniest of pacifiers to "suck" while they feed him to let him associate getting full with sucking. He's not too interested in it yet, but he is on his way!

Ja.son is catching up to Sh.awn on his feedings. Ja.son is getting 27ml of milk every three hours, while Sh.awn gets 30ml. Ja.son has started to plump up lately, too. Now he is 4 pounds 6 ounces! Sh.awn is not gaining as fast as Ja.son, so the doctors have changed his formula and added 2 extra calories per ounce to his feedings. It doesn't seem like that would do much, but the nurses have assured us that it will. Sh.awn now weighs 3 pounds 13 ounces.

Sh.awn with his new tube! You can see his chin now!


Ja.son - getting bigger!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Moving On Up...

Getting Stronger

Yesterday was a great day. I finally got to hold Ja.son again (this is the second time). It was heavenly! He is getting stronger and weighs in at a whopping 4lbs2oz as of Sunday night! He looks so huge compared to just a few days ago! He is off of his vent again, and we hope that he is strong enough to stay off of it this time. He did seem like he was breathing well on it last night. He was also moved to his own isolette! Yeah! He is making good strides.

Me and Ja.son...




Sh.awn is also doing well. He is now at the point where we can hold him when we go in, usually during his feeding time. He is eating 30ml of food every three hours and tolerates it well with very little residuals if any at all. He weighs slightly less than Jason at just under 4 pounds. He now pretty much keeps his body temperature up without any assistance from the isolette. He also is now getting to wear clothes. (sooo cute!)

Is.aac and Sh.awn...




I am still having issues with milk production. I called the doctor to see if there was anything that he could do. I have heard about Reglan to help with milk production. The nurse referred me to a lactation specialist instead. Boy that nurse was helpful. (May have to call back and talk to someone else.) The ls said that I needed to pump more. I am trying to pump religiously every two hours for at least 10 times a day. Good GD, that is going to kill me. I have pumped five times so far today (since midnight) and have an ounce to show for it. I am drinking fluids; I am eating. I am also going to the vitamin store for some supplements to see if that works. I'm going to work at it for a week more. If it doesn't get better then I am calling it quits for the breast milk. I figure I gave it my all for four weeks by that point. I really don't need to worry about this if I am not producing enough for even a feeding. (please don't tell me I need to keep working at it and how important bm is for the babies. I am aware of that. If you have bm production suggestions, I am all for that, but I don't want to hear if I am making some huge mistake and hurting the boys by giving up.)

Good GD, time to pump again. I swear I feel like that sucker (ha ha, "sucker", funny) is constantly attached to me! I did fashion a sort of holder for the cups with an old bella band. It makes me look like some kind of deranged version of Madonna, but I don't really care. Now I have my hands free while I am pumping. That is a big improvement!

Monday, November 19, 2007

This is the continuation of my hospital stay. If you didn't read about the boys' birth, you might want to read that first...

The first few days after the boys were born were a whirlwind of NICU visits, doctor consultations, antibiotics, nurse visits, and breast pumping attempts. I was in pain, but it was nothing that the percoset** couldn't take care of.

On Tuesday morning, my OB came in to check on me. We talked about my release. He asked if I wanted to go home that day or the next. I chose Wednesday because I wanted to stay near the babies for as long as possible. The plan was set. I was to be released on Wednesday.

On Tuesday night, in set a low grade fever. My temp hovered between 100.1 and 100.3. Sweat poured from me and I begged for the air conditioner to be turned on. My poor mom and Is.aac were frozen, but I was burning up. As long as I stayed below 100.5, the nurses were not too concerned. I drank gallons of ice water to try to cool myself off. Nothing helped. That lasted through the night.

I started to feel better the next morning. My temp had lowered to below 100 degrees. I was excited to leave and go home to my beloved bed. (Oh, how I missed my bed!)

My OB came in to do his final check before releasing me at around 8:00 am. He pushed on my belly. I almost jumped off the bed. I reached for his hands and threw them off of me. My reaction had surprised me and him. He looked at me and asked me if I was in pain. I assured him I was not (I so wanted to leave), but when he touched my stomach again and my reaction remained the same, he knew I was lying. No discharge for me until we knew what was going on in there.

Twenty minutes later, a technician came to my room with a wheel chair. I was whisked off downstairs to take an x-ray. Back up to my room.

Twenty minutes after that, he was back with the wheel chair. I was whisked off for a CT scan. It was not looking good, that was clear because of how popular I had become, although no one had said anything directly to me about what they were thinking.

My fever had inched up ever so slowly and was again hovering at 100.1 degrees, but I was feeling relatively fine except when someone would push on my stomach--which was now a favorite past time for everyone who entered my room. I wanted to go home so badly that I had started to suck in my breath just before they'd push on my stomach making myself able to get through each exam without wincing much.

I begged them to let me go so often, I nearly convinced myself that I was going to be able to!

At three that afternoon, was my first visit with the surgeon. Exploratory surgery, incisions running from my section incision to my sternum, and NG tubes were brought up. I had an obstruction. They weren't sure if it was tangled intestines or if there was something else going on. I was booked for the OR at 6 that evening.

WTF?

We declined the surgery for the moment, requesting a wait and see approach. They inserted an NG tube (took 6 attempts pre sedative and only 1 after--I will be forever emotionally scarred from that experience) with the hope that it would eliminate the pressure on my intestines and allow an obstruction to move.

My fever went up to 102 degrees.

Medical professionals panicked. I was placed on even more antibiotics.

My memories of the next two days were pretty fuzzy. I do know that I started having diarrhea episodes fairly regularly. Diarrhea coupled with the fever led them to call in the Infectious Diseases doctor. My room was red tagged, which meant that nurses and doctors had to suit up in full body gear and face masks to enter my room. (This was not a common occurrence on the post partum ward, apparently. The nurses were totally afraid of me, and no one wanted to come to my room. It took hours to have them come bring me something. Is.aac started to just go to the nurses' desk to get stuff himself it was that bad.)

When the Infectious Diseases doctor got involved, the surgeon stopped pushing to do his exploratory surgery. My OB continued to come check on me, but was now apologizing that everything had spun so out of control.

I have a thing about my nose, so the NG tube was pure torture. It was heavy, I couldn't move with it, and my throat was killing me. Let's not even mention how disgusted I was at what was actually in the tube. Bile is not pretty.

On Friday evening, the NG tube was removed. I was finally feeling better. I still had diarrhea, but the had cultured the hell out of every single drop and could not find the big, scary bacteria they thought would be there.

In the end, it was decided that I was allergic to the antibiotics I was taking so much of (we're talking every 3 hours for at least two weeks).

And the obstruction? Probably shit. The veal Parmesan I was given Tuesday night didn't like my system very much. Wouldn't that have been cute? Exploratory surgery for them to find me full of shit. Poetic justice?

When I left the hospital a full eight days after the boys were born, I had lost all of my pregnancy weight (and IVF weight for that matter) except for two pounds.

So. There it is. Pretty ugly, huh? No wonder I had some serious PTSD issues.

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**I did find that while I like morphine, it didn't like me. I was on a morphine pump right after delivery. At first, things were okay. I pumped that sucker every ten minutes on the nose! Then, I started to throw up. That led to more pain, which led to more morphine. I hit the morphine pump, and then I would throw up. It took me a few times to figure out the correlation. The clincher was when the nurse came in. Apparently I had broken out in hives, too, so that was the end of morphine and the beginning of percoset.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Guilt

The disconnect between what my brain knows and what I feel emotionally is incredible. My brain understands that I did the best I could do for the babies. My emotions, on the other hand, are having trouble realizing that.

I have always had a mountain of guilt. Even as a small child I have felt guilty for things that I have had no control over. I don't know if I was over sensitive or had an over-inflated ego, but I felt like somehow I contributed to almost everything bad in my world. I felt guilty about everything.

I felt guilty when the class would misbehave when my teachers were gone. Surely the teacher was yelling only at me. I felt guilty because my parents were the only parents still married among my circle of friends. I went for some time not talking about my dad because I felt bad that he was still at home with my family. There was nothing for me to feel guilty about in these situations. I was always too afraid to do anything bad while my teachers were gone. Why should I feel guilty for having a family with two parents? Still, the guilt was there.

When I got older, I joked that I must have been a nun in a past life because I had so much guilt. (no offense to any nuns, of course)

Now, I am really feeling guilt and I am having trouble shaking it. My rational mind knows that the guilt is destructive and harmful to me, but the guilt is there none the less.

I feel so guilty about my babies. I struggle with the feeling that I did this to them. The tubes and wires, the infections, the potential problems in their future (Oh, God, please let there be no problems in their futures)--all of it was caused because I let them down.

I did that to them.

I let them get infections. I couldn't hold them in just a week or two longer so they could be stronger. I was miserable and had actually fantasized about no longer being pregnant. Had I not fantasized, maybe I would have stayed pregnant longer. Now that the babies are drinking more milk than I can supply, I feel guilty that I can't even feed them. It was just added to the list of ways I let the boys down.

Every new setback just encourages the guilt that I am so predisposed to feel.

Maybe I don't believe enough? Are my worries/fears for the babies determining their future?

Even worse is the painful feeling that maybe my struggle to have kids was in some way a sign that I shouldn't have them. (That hurts so much to admit.)

My brain fights back with, "I did that for them." or "Since when does fantasizing about something make it so?" or "It doesn't matter how much milk they get from me, it all helps make them stronger."

The rational part of me screams that the eight weeks of bed rest, the hospitalization, and the antibiotics was for them. That every pregnant woman is miserable and most of them probably wish it was over a time or two. And the milk thing? "Remember you fool?" says my brain. "You didn't even want to breastfeed. You wouldn't have even attempted it had the "liquid gold" analogy not been drilled into your head from the moment they were born."

It argues with my emotions regularly. Some days my brain wins. On other days it's my emotions.

This tug-of-war is draining.

I am trying to live in the moment while I work through all of this. I am trying, but many times that moment is when my emotions are in control.

Like now...

Friday, November 16, 2007

How Sweet Is This?

My little Sh.awn...


And my little Ja.son...


And my wonderful Is.aac...


I sure do love my boys.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Birth of the Boys...

On Friday the 19th, I went to Dr. Doom's for my appointment. I knew things were not going well when even I could see that baby A had very little fluid around him. The tech doing the u/s called Doom in to check for himself and he said I was off to the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. I was 27 weeks and 2 pregnant.

My hospital stay was challenging, but the nurses did try to make things as nice as possible for me. I was hooked to fetal monitors 23 1/2 hours a day. I got a half an hour break to shower or visit the little outdoor garden in the hospital courtyard. I chose the half an hour to shower every time and then was plugged up to the monitors again. I didn't mind the monitors so much, but I had a reaction to the ultrasound gel they used with the monitors. (I am still having issues on my belly from that gel and it's been weeks!)

Baby A rarely moved and was easy to keep on the monitor. Of course that was because he had so little fluid that moving was a challenge for him. Baby B, on the other hand, never stayed still. I was constantly either checking for him myself or having a nurse come in to do it. There is nothing like being awakened in the middle of the night to have your fetal monitor moved a fraction of a millimeter to "find" my missing baby.

I continued to leak fluid every time I moved. It was especially bad when I was on my sides. I tried my best to stay on my back as much as possible.

I also had a contraction monitor on me all the time. This monitor had no gel with it, thankfully, but it had a huge knot on it that dug into my skin. It was like having a rock shoved into your belly all the time.

All of it was bearable, though, because it meant that the babies were still in me and still alive.

Their heartbeats stayed strong and consistent. There was no sign of infection indicated in my blood work. We were chugging along.

I was give terbutaline (sp?) many different times during that first week in the hospital. Strangely, I hardly ever felt contractions although at two different points before actual labor, they were around four minutes apart! I would feel a contraction every now and then, but nothing regular. Every time I had a shot, the contractions would go away or drop to only 1-2 an hour.

For those of you who have had terbutaline, isn't it such a lovely drug? I say that in the most sarcastic way of course. This drug did horrible things to me and I dreaded it every time I saw a nurse come in with it. My heart would race, I would get the most terrible shakes, and just felt miserable each and every time. The effects would last for an hour or two before eventually leading to an exhausted and restless sleep. Ugh. I hated that stuff.

Fast forward exactly one week to Friday, Oct. 26. A nurse woke me up at around 7:30 am to give me another shot of terbutaline. I was having four minute apart contractions for almost a hour and a half and completely slept through it. Apparently, that stopped the contractions. My contraction monitor showed little to no activity. I felt pretty good and thought all was well.

At 3:00 pm I got another shot of terbutaline, again for the four minute apart contractions. I had only felt a few of them and was quite surprised when the nurse came in with the shot ready. That didn't stop the contractions. They got stronger and I started to feel them more regularly. They gave me a dose of magnesium. That didn't stop the contractions, but they did slow down some for about hour.

While terbutaline made me all jittery, magnesium did the complete opposite. I felt like I was reduced to a pile of jelly. I felt sluggish, slow, and just plain blah.

I alternated between terb shots and mag. hourly until 2:30 am on the 27th. I was wired up from the terb. and then slowed down from the mag. over and over. I started to throw up and dry heave. I got diarrhea but wasn't allowed up from the bed. (That was so much fun to do while on a bed pan.)

At that point, the doctor on call came in to say that she thought I was in labor (couldn't check for dilation because of the cerclage) and that if they did stop the contractions, it wasn't for long so she recommended delivery. At that point, my contractions had stayed in the every 2-4 minute category for quite some time, so I wasn't totally surprised. I was sad that I couldn't last longer and frightened about what it could mean for the babies, but not surprised.

The babies were delivered at 3:31 and 3:32 am on October 27. It was a little surreal to go through the c-section with a room full of people. Each baby had at least five people ready and waiting for his birth. Plus there were the several nurses and doctors for me. It was strange.

Sha.wn was delivered first, but I strongly believe that he was Baby B during all of the monitoring. He never cried or made any noise when delivered. I had to ask if he was okay because it was so quiet.

Ja.son was delivered second. He let out a small little squeak when he was born. That was the only sound I heard my babies make for over two weeks.

Is.aac watched the entire thing and gave me an abbreviated play by play. Thank goodness for the abbreviated version. There were definitely things I heard/smelled that I could have done without!

After delivery, the babies were doing well. They seemed to be going strong for about six hours. Then they started to do some deteriorating...their breathing became difficult, they had transfusions, and a few other things. They were sick and they couldn't figure out why they had turned so suddenly. It turns out that both the babies and I developed infections while I was pregnant, most likely from the water breaking two weeks earlier. I had been on mega doses of antibiotics, so when they tested the babies' blood after birth it showed that there were no infections. They later found bacteria in Jason's lungs and contribute that to their sudden downfall in the beginning.

Sha.wn continues to improve at a fairly steady pace. He is now in an isolette and taking 18ml of milk every three hours. (They have officially surpassed my milk production.) He is maintaining his body temperature and looks like he is getting stronger.

Ja.son, though, is still having a hard time with things. He is back on the vent and was struggling to breathe last night. They took an x-ray and his left lung looked "wet". We are waiting for an update from the doctor to give us more info. Jason is feeding, but remains on 3mls of food per feeding. I am worried about my sweet little Jason. Be strong, little man, be strong.

Well, that was the story of the boys' birth. I will return soon with hospital week #2--my story--soon.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Untitled...

Updated: Congratulations to Maya and her family for the birth of their daughters at 30 1/2 weeks. She hasn't given any information other than to say that she had the babies, but please stop by and congratulate them when you get the chance.
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I am doing slightly better today and am chalking this emotional roller coaster I am on to hormones. I did not go see the babies at all yesterday (insert guilt here, please) because I felt my negative energy would do nothing for them. Isaac went alone which gave him so needed one on one daddy time. He even held Sh.awn for awhile.

I am regularly amazed by my husband. He continues to support me and the babies. It is nice to know that I can rely on him when things get bad. As much as I love him, I am not sure that I believed he would really be there for me when I needed him. I don't know why that is so, but it was. Now I know that he will be. It means more than I can ever really say.

Is.aac stayed home with me today. I think he thought I was going off the emotional deep end, too. We did some crying and worrying about the future of the boys. We talked about how scared he was while I was ill. He finally talked about how he felt when the doctors were talking about exploratory surgery and slicing me from throat to belly button to "see" what was going on. He was there to make sure that they didn't do something that wasn't needed and was strong even though he was worried. He kept track of every person that entered my room, every medication they gave me, and consoled me when I was afraid to be alone. He talked about how he replayed every scenario that could happen in his head while I slept. He stressed about whether having them wait to do a surgery would help or hurt me, especially when I was at my sickest.

I needed to hear him talk about his worries and fears. I am pretty hard on myself as a general rule and have very high expectations for myself. I tend to think that I am the only person feeling doubt and fear, especially when Isaac was being so strong and stoic. Knowing that I am not the only one of us who is scared helped me to put my worries into perspective.

I am trying to focus on my favorite quote, "My tears don't compromise my strength; they never have." A bad day does not make me a bad person or mother, even if I didn't go see the babies. I am still strong. I must be. My husband and babies need me to be. Being strong doesn't mean that I can't cry and worry. Being strong just means that I pick myself up after I am down and continue on.

I don't have to be perfect. That is such a huge relief. No one is perfect, least of all me. It seems so simple really. Why hadn't I thought that through before?

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. It helps to hear others' stories and ideas. You truly are wonderful people and I am blessed to have you in my life.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Bad Day

Today has not been the best for me. I have spent the day crying and lying around doing nothing at all. I can't even get myself to go pump. I just don't want to do anything. I haven't ate anything yet, even though I am hungry. I just can't do it for some reason. Hormones? Depression? I don't know.

We went to see the babies last night. I got to hold Sh.awn for the first time. They were changing his bed to an isolette, and I got to hold him while the all the furniture movement was going on. He was nice and threw up some gunk on me. He wasn't very pleased to be taken from me and put into his new bed. He actually cried! It was cute. I did hear today that he was having some apnea issues last night. I am hoping that this doesn't cause him to backslide back to the CPAP.

Ja.son, on the other hand, is back on his vent. I wasn't surprised to see it because he did look like he was working pretty hard on the canula. The doctor said they would try again in another day. I am worried about Ja.son. While I don't like to compare, he seems to be progressing so much slower than his brother. Plus, I worry about how long he is staying on that vent.

I talked to the NICU doctor today because they had head ultrasounds. The news, and the resulting doctor google search, has left me panicked.

Sh.awn has a grade 4 and grade 2 IVH (bleed.ing in his brain). The doctor said the grade 4 bleed was slight, but any bleeding in the brain is a bad thing. Apparently, the bleeds look like they are starting to "organize" and breakdown. But, there may be two cysts that have developed where the bleed was and that would mean brain damage.

Ja.son also has IVH bleeds in his brain. His are grade 3 and the swelling looks like it has enlarged some. The doctor said it was most likely hydrocephalus (sp?). The doctor is hoping the swelling will relieve itself without any further action. We wait for next week's ultrasound before anything will happen. They are also checking the boys' heads regularly for abnormal growth.

Doctor google talks about how serious this is and the probability of brain damage, learning difficulties, cerebral palsy, etc. I am scared to death that my boys will also have one of these conditions. I work with kids, and I know what these things will mean if the boys have them.

I feel guilty that I had them so early and now look what they could be facing. Look what my family could be facing. Somehow, just writing it down makes it so much more real. Now it is written; therefore, it is so.

Was it too much to ask that I have healthy children? Why are we continuing to struggle through more and more uncertainty and challenges? I am not sure I am strong enough to deal with all of the things that may come.

I know that there is nothing written in stone here. I know that there are no guarantees about what this will mean for the boys. The "what ifs" of all of this are wearing on me. I just keep asking, "Why?" anyway.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Two Weeks Old!

Today the boys were taken off of the ventalators and put on cannulas (nose tubes). That is such a huge accomplishment! It was a perfect birthday gift for the boys and us. Plus, we got to hear them grunt and make some noise! They are also enjoying feedings of 1cc of milk every three hours. We are starting to see some differences between the two of them now that we can see more of their faces. We are still having more positive days than bad, and for that I am thankful.

Sh.awn
Sh.awn smiling
Ja.son being grumpy...
...because he is naked!
Ja.son is two weeks old!
Sh.awn is two weeks old, too!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Update...Sort of

I am not quite ready to write about everything that happened during the hospital stay. I plan on breaking it up into two posts, one about the babies' birth and one about the trauma I went through. I am working on it in my head, but haven't been emotionally stable enough (wow the hormones are a killer) to actually write. It is coming soon, though, I promise.

The boys are doing wonderfully. They are getting stronger every day. We even got the chance to hold them yesterday. It was the most wonderful surprise and felt better than mere words could describe! I can't wait until they are here at home, ready for holding all the time!

It has been requested that I post pictures. I had a hard time doing this. I cried so much during the process of putting this montage together. I hope you enjoy...

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Sh.awn and Ja.son Are Here!

I have just come home from a long stay in the hospital (of which I will write about once I get some energy) and am proud to say that my sons Sh.awn Riley and Ja.son Kelly were born by c-section on October 27 at 3:31 and 3:32 am. The boys were both 2 pounds 14 1/2 ounces abd 15 1/4 and 15 inches long respectively. I was 28weeks and 3 days.

There have been some bumps in the road, but the boys and myself are all doing well. We take it each day at a time, but that is how it is in the NICU. I will post again tomorrow to give you more information.

Thanks to everyone for the concern and prayers. Please continue to keep my boys in your thoughts...
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