What Do You Do When You Can't Let It Go?

I started my period today.

I know full well that my body just won't do it on its own, but I still can't let go of the hope that maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant the old fashion way.

I can't help bu think maybe we'd get lucky this one time.

To make matters worse, my stupid brain heart latched on to the coincidence that I had the big O on Valentine's Day and believed---BELIEVED--that it had to be some sign that this was going to be the month. As much as I knew better, I wished that I would be sitting here today with a smile on my face and a positive pee stick in my fist.

Having hope quietly swell to a crest only to have it crash at my feet still makes me sad. And yes, seeing the bright red stain of failure still stings, three boys or not.

~~~

Right now, my refrigerator is fairly empty. I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store, probably won't be able to until this weekend. Normally it doesn't make much of a difference outside of causing me to be a bit more creative when it comes to cooking. Today, however, an empty refrigerator means that there is nothing covering up the box.

The box that is usually hidden at the back of my produce drawer.

The box that holds a two-thirds full gonal-f pen I last used during the cycle that brought me Jack.

The box that I've been unable to get rid of all after of this time.

I've always known the medication is there, but it honestly never comes to mind unless I see it while stocking or cleaning out the fridge. I look at it wistfully while I push it to the back of the drawer.

Once, I even had it in my hand to go dispose of it. I made it only a few steps before I turned to put it back. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away then any more than I can bring myself to throw it away now.

I can't let that box or that pen, go because I can't let the dream go.

As time passes, I imagine that my hand will be forced soon enough. I mean, we've not used birth control since 2004, and I'll be 41 in a few months. It took seven IVF's to have two successful pregnancies. So in all reality, I know there isn't much chance. We'd need medical intervention to get pregnant, but I can't in good conscious spend that kind of money on another pregnancy attempt when I have the boys to consider.

Sigh.

So what do you do when you can't let the dream go?

I don't know.

Someone Stole My Baby

and replaced him with this huge boy.

There's only thirty-three days until he's two years old. Where has the time gone?

36 1/8 inches tall

You know, sometimes I look at him and I am in awe. It boggles my mind how he just develops as he's expected. There is no struggle. He just does it. It is such an amazing gift to watch.

I've tried to articulate the feeling I get when I look at him, but I can never get the words right. Is.aac just shakes his head in agreement. He knows. He feels it, too.

The sight of him fills me, an overwhelming sensation that is as unique for him as the love I have for his brothers. I love them all the same, yet differently--each carries a different piece of my heart.

But this one? This one has also brought healing to my battered heart.

I am so, so lucky to have been blessed with my three boys.

Weekend Leftovers

It has been a nice lazy weekend with lots of this:

and this:

I just noticed that the big boys are dressed alike. How weird!
I never dress them the same.

I swear if feels like this is what it's like much of my time at home. Someone (usually more than one) is always on me. On those rare occasions when I have my lap to myself, the cats are vying for position. It's crazy.

~~~

Jack swallowed something this evening. It scared the crap out of me and nearly sent Is.aac over the edge. He was watching Jack when it happened, so he felt super guilty over it happening in the first place. (Which? These things happen with kids, especially when you have older brothers around.) He wanted to take him to the emergency room immediately. It was all I could do to talk him down.

Is.aac has always been hypervigilant about the boys and their safety. I know that feeling has everything to do with all trauma with Sh.awn back during the dark days. He is just lately talking about that time; it's been bottled up so long and he was so, so hurt. It makes my heart break for him.

~~~

Jason had electrical muscle stimulation at therapy on Friday. We'd been working our way up to it over the last few weeks. It started with "homework" in which I put the electro stickers on his legs for twenty minutes. Then we talked about what was going to happen when they hooked the stickers to the device and what it might feel like when the pulse went through to his leg. He was not impressed at the thought of doing it AT ALL.

The thing that finally changed his mind was having him earn a trip to Target if he went through with it. (Target was his choice out of the park or the zoo. He knew that the trip would not mean we bought anything unless he used his own money. I'm not sure what that says about our family. lol)

We had a great time at Target on Saturday. He used his tooth fairy money to buy two Hotwheels. ;-)

~~~

I submitted the picture of the boys blowing on the dandelion to Multiples and More as a picture of the month. You don't get anything if you win, but I love that picture so I thought I'd go for it. If you have a minute and want to vote, here's the link:

Multiples and More: February Photo of the Month

Thanks.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Parenting Pains

I love my boys fiercely, and I am all too aware of how lucky we are to have them here with us.

But.

These boys Sh.awn is a challenge to parent.

Eighty percent of the time, my boy is the sweetest, most lovable child around. He loves to snuggle, laughs easily, and talk to everyone he sees. I'd love to clone him during those moments and have a room full of kids exactly like him.

Then there is the other twenty percent of the time--the moments when he screams and whines and spits and does exactly the opposite of what you say simply because you said it and when the naughty chair or time outs or removing him from a situation or distraction or (in a moment of weakness) the small pop on the mouth after he spit on me (which in no way actually hurt him and resulted in him telling me to smack him again) all fail and I am left a giant bundle of frayed nerves wanting to pull my hair out in frustration.

When things finally settle, and every time his outbursts happen I know they will eventually, I sit, exhausted, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. I can't decide if what is going on is poor parenting on my part (because it feels these episodes are reserved for me more often than they are for his father although admittedly I am with Sh.awn much more), a personality quirk of his, general frustration for both of us, or even a residual from his brain injury.

I mean, I am conscious about trying to be very consistent with consequences, so I don't think my lack consistency is at play. I think I'm giving him plenty of attention at times when all is going well, and I try my very best to not give him "wanted" attention during disciplining. I am not having the same issues with Ja.son or Jack. While they are by no means perfect children and have their own behavior problems, correcting their behavior doesn't come with the same kind of stress that correcting Sh.awn's behavior does.

Sigh.

I know I need to figure something out because this twenty percent is rapidly wearing my down, and I'm starting to worry about when the next fit will show. There is a huge part of me who feels incredibly guilty that I am struggling with this, especially with him in particular. He has been through so much, the least I can do as his parent is to help him thrive and become the best person he can be. I've been failing at that. The added pressure of school fast approaching has me worried that if I don't get a handle on things soon, it will impact him there as well.

So, I am asking you, oh wise Internet. Do you have any suggestions?

Mostly Wordless Wednesday

They were planning something, I just know it. :)

Actually, they had a dandelion and were trying to decide who got to blow the seeds everywhere. In the end, they blew it together. How sweet is that?

Perfect Moment Monday

I just downloaded our zoo pictures from the camera this afternoon. I totally love this shot of the big boys...

Sh.awn was sitting at this picnic table all by himself. Ja.son saw him there alone and had to go over to sit there, too. They started out talking to each other across the table, but after a few minutes, they were sitting next to each other on the same side.

And I melted on the spot.

I always have had a nagging worry that my boys would be missing out on the twin bond. They were born so early and separated so much when they were young. Plus their ability levels (both cognitive and physical because Sh.awn has always been about 6-9 months behind his brother developmentally) have also been so different all along. I feared the damage that might have done to the chance of them fostering that special closeness. To be honest, the fear has really stung because it's hard not to view it as yet another way that they were cheated because of thier circumstance of prematurity.

Scenes like this, however, show that they really are beginning to enjoy being around each other now. It is so heartwarming to see their relationship develop into something more than just brothers. And while I know that they may still not be as close as some twins may be, there is something more there between them than what I'd expect from many siblings.

It makes me so, so happy to see.

Friday Night Leftovers

Short work weeks = the same amount of crazy crammed into fewer days. Oh. my. lord. Let's see: one of my girls was involved in a sexual harassment incident, I had a parent call to scream at me about her 8th grade baby missing the bus (because he didn't do his homework and had to stay to do it), and I found out that my principal had no idea that I was the coordinator of a major academic program we have at school. (Yeah, that last one pissed me off, especially considering I've been doing the job for 9 years now AND she comes to me regularly to ask about funding for it. So, why would she do that if I wasn't actually in charge of the program? Grr.) By the time Thursday rolled around, I was pretty much spent but still had to deal with the fun of Valentine's Day on a junior high campus. Drama city. Plus, the place looked like the 99 cent store exploded on campus. Sigh.

The high note is that I have a four day weekend! Whoot.

~~~

Our Valentine's Day was pretty low key. The boys got to make cards for daddy and grandma. They also talked me into ordering chocolate covered strawberries for him. lol. They had their favorite dinners and ate strawberry cupcakes. We topped the evening off with a movie.

Hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day, too.

~~~

Tomorrow is the anniversary of when Is.aac proposed.* Eleven years ago, he took me around to all of our favorite places and told me memories about each spot. At our last destination, some random man was walking by, so Is.aac asked if he'd take a picture of us. The man got ready to snap the shot, but Is.aac got down on his knee and asked if I'd marry him. It was perfect.

(The poor man looked like he wanted the Earth to swallow him whole, but he took the picture before he hurried on his way. The look on his face still cracks me up.)

*His plan was to propose on V-Day, but the ring wasn't ready on time. It bothers him some that his plans didn't work out just how he'd pictured them. I think it's better that the 16th was the day. :)

~~~

It just so happens that we get to go out for dinner tomorrow. A girl could get used to this whole date thing!

~~~

Is.aac took the day off and we took the boys to the zoo. It was so much fun! Jack managed to walk around much of the day, which is so different from what I am used to but pretty amazing. The big boys were in a great mood, too. Loved it.

When we got home, I was exhausted. The boys, however, were full of energy until they crashed at bed time. Here's hoping they sleep in a bit tomorrow.

~~~

I'm watching The Princess Bride right now. It's one of my favorites.

Speaking of The Princess Bride, did you hear about the man on an airline who was asked to take off his t-shirt that had a quote from the movie? Had I saw the shirt, I wouldn't have thought anything about it (except that I'd want the shirt, too). It's such a sad state of affairs when people have reason to be afraid of everything.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Tell Me

Could someone please tell me why...

...my kids always, yes always, seem to wake me up in the middle of the night when I have a big day the next day. Last night Ja.son woke me up at 4 am to tell me his lip was bothering him. I gave him chapstick and put him back in bed. Come to find out in the morning, he had peeled some skin off of his lip in the middle of the night. Sh.awn had a night full of night terrors. Sigh.

...a bee flew straight at my eyes this afternoon, and I kid you not, got stuck between the pieces of my glasses. First of all, thank God I was wearing my sunglasses. Second of all, ew. So glad I somehow got the stupid thing out without getting stung.

...does that kind of thing happen to me? It's crazy. I'm like a freak accident magnet.

...when I am free and able/ready to read blogs, etc., it is always a slow day on the net? lol.

...the morning comes so soon every. single. day. Oh what I wouldn't do for just another hour before that alarm rings.

What are you wondering about?

Weekend Leftovers

As much as we had been building up to the moment, I admit to feeling a bit...deflated after we registered the boys on Monday. We just basically turned in our papers, made it official, and left.

That was it.

I mean it went well and everything. It just felt like there should have been more after all of that anticipation. The heavens opening up for a chorus of "Hallelujah" or at the very least a nice round of applause would have been nice, but alas there was no such celebration. Those people just didn't realize the significance of what we were doing. How could they? They couldn't know that we were registering two boys for school who have come so, so far.

Or I might be just a little melodramatic about the whole thing. lol. I wrote about it on the boys' blog if you're interested in reading. :)

~~~

I took Monday off of work because I wasn't sure how long the doctor visit or registration would end up taking. I had enough time afterward to do my taxes. Score!

~~~

We had a big academic fair planned for Friday. The kids all did research projects and were ready to present to the entire school. It had been planned for months. By Wednesday the weather forecasts predicted a 90% chance of rain. We scrambled and rescheduled the whole thing for Tuesday.

Wouldn't you know it NEVER rained on Friday. It totally figures.

~~~

I cut Jack's hair today. Each time I do, it's just another reminder of how old he's getting. Next month he'll be two years old. It just boggles my mind.

~~~

It is going to be a hard week at work--it's the five year anniversary this week.

~~~

Four day work week this week.

Four day weekend.

Four day work week next week.

That is something to celebrate!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Being Real

Tracy wrote about this topic, and it immediately stuck a chord with me (although her very touching post is not at all similar to what I wrote about). Being real has been on my mind lately.

Several people over the last several weeks have asked my advice on different areas of parenting. I was happy to offer my experiences when asked, although I couldn't help but wonder why they'd ask me for my thoughts in the first place...

I mean, me? Me out of all of those other mothers out there? I am probably the person who is the least put together when it comes to parenting. I worry about everything. I doubt myself. I beat myself up for my perceived weaknesses. I always feel like I am on the cusp of understanding/starting things that everyone else around me has known or has been doing for ages.

Worst of all, I want so badly to do "it" right, and yet I never can quite figure out what right is. How can thoughts from someone as screwed up as me be of any value to anyone else? Good grief. What if I told them something that ended up harming their kid? Ack. The pressure!

Needless to say, I had been thinking about it, been wondering about why smart, amazing mothers sought to ask me something. I wondered if I am telling the real story here and if I somehow fooled them into believing that I actually knew what I was doing. I didn't think I make it seem like I have everything together--maybe I did on the boys' blog (on purpose because family reads it) but not here. Or did I?

Then it hit me.

Maybe these smart, amazing mothers just might feel like they are barely hanging on, too.

Maybe they feel like they have no idea what they are doing.

Maybe they're also worried about doing it right and have no idea what right is.

Maybe I'm not as incompetent at this whole parenting thing as I try to convince myself I am because we are ALL trying to figure it out.

And maybe that is being real.

**I hope this post didn't make me seem like I am some whack job loser or something. I know it sounds like I am terribly down on myself, and while I will admit that I am my own worst critic, I really was just writing my thought process about this topic. I don't always walk around with an "I suck at this" banner across my chest.

Deep Breath

So here it finally is. Registration is tomorrow only a few hours away. How did it get to be nearly 2:00 am?

Bring it, Tomorrow. I am ready. Not looking forward to the blood draw first thing, though, but I've got Jay's prize ready to go. I've prepared him as much as I can for what's to come. All that's left is just to get through it.
Of course, the people at the registration office (Is.aac, too) will probably be all "WTF is wrong with her?" when they see how totally OVER prepared I am, but whatevs. Everyone comes in with all their paperwork copied and paper clipped, right? Lol. This is when my organizational skills will be highlighted for sure!

I struggled with finishing my letters. This will start the ball rolling officially. Here we are about to enter the world of special education, and I am scared. For Christ's sake I am a teacher! I know what I do to honor the individual educational plans of my kids.

So why am I so distrustful of what is about to start? Distrustful of the school district?

I know that not everyone is like me. Not everyone goes into teaching students with the idea that they can learn something. I've heard too many people who feel like some kids just can't learn, and I am sick with the thought that my kids will run across those people--people who won't even try to teach because there is (or soon will be) a label.

Sigh. It is time to take that deep breath and dive in. Wish me luck.

Friday Night Leftovers

We are finally on the verge of registering for kinder. Our date is on Monday. We have all the paperwork completed. My letters are mostly done. The medical forms were given to the pediatrician last week with the understanding we'd pick them up on Monday. We are as set as you can be.

And then the pediatrician called our home phone mid morning to tell us that Ja.son's anemia test was not recent enough. (The test missed the cutoff by, get this, one month.) We have to have the blood work done before she'd complete the medical form. Sigh.

The major problem with this is that I didn't get the message until 4 pm today. The clinic we have to go to was closed. Saturday blood work is by appointment only.

Of course there are none left.

So, to make Monday the most enjoyable day ever, I have to first take Ja.son to get this one test, somehow get "proof" that we had the test done, and then show the pediatrician we completed the task so she'll complete the damn paperwork.

I am beyond annoyed about the whole thing. I mean, the pedi had the paperwork for over a week. We missed the allowed time frame for the damn test by only a month. And she can't fill out the form on good faith because it was sort of her fault we're in this mess? Grr.

She was happy to tell us we could go ahead and take the paperwork for Sh.awn, though. You know, because only registering one of my twins makes a lot of sense.

No wonder I think the universe hates me. It keeps fucking with me at every opportunity!

~~~

Went on a field trip to a local university today. I am wiped out and my feet hurt. The kids loved it, and everyone that went came back with us. I'm calling it a success. :)

~~~

I'm kind of over the Super Bowl.

~~~

Ja.son's Homecoming Day is Sunday. He is SO excited!

We are celebrating it tomorrow because Is.aac wants to go to his friend's house to watch the Super Bowl. The whole being over the Super Bowl makes sense, now doesn't it?

~~~

My dad got a jury duty summons today. I ended up being the one to call the courthouse to correct the error. I don't think I'll ever get used to saying, "My dad is deceased." March will be 5 years since his accident. It's so surreal.

~~~
Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.