On This Day...

Today is an anniversary of sorts. It is the day that everything in my world was turned upside down. It ranks on the top ten list of the scariest days in my life, and with the way my life has gone this past year, that is saying something.

On this day last year, my water broke.

As is the case on anniversaries, the memories have flooded back. Many of them are not so great. I have been weepy and the dreams have made yet another appearance. Maybe, though, this will take me one step closer to coming to terms with that time, a hill I have to climb to take me just a little farther from the pain of all of that. Maybe this will help me heal.

I sure hope so.

I think I am ready to focus on the tomorrows and not be continually sucked back to the yesterdays.

Maya had a beautiful post this week about her feelings from a year ago when she went into preterm labor. Our pregnancies were similar in so many ways--we got pregnant at roughly the same time, our betas were almost the same, we were pregnant with twins, we both went into preterm labor the same week, and we ultimately delivered early, although she was able to hold on for two precious weeks longer than I did.

So, because we have so much in common, I am borrowing this idea of hers (I hope you don't mind, Maya).

On this day a year ago...

...I was exactly 26 weeks pregnant.

...I had been on complete bed rest for 6 weeks. And when I say complete, I really do mean complete--up only to go to the bathroom and shower for ten minutes every other day.

...I had stayed up late, unable to sleep. The babies were playing soccer, or whatever it was they did in there, every time I tried to close my eyes.

...I woke up at 9:00 am with the urge to go to the bathroom.

...I didn't make it the ten steps to the bathroom before my sweats were wet.

...I called Isaac at work, crying hysterically, because I knew something was wrong, and it was much too early for something like this to happen.

...I called my doctor to say that I had either lost control of my bladder or my water had broken. He told me to head to labor and delivery right then.

...I waited for Isaac to come home from work so we could make the scary ride to the hospital. I told myself over and over that it was too early, it was too early. I pleaded with God that this was just me peeing my pants and nothing more.

...I walked to the labor delivery ward, leaking the entire way. We weren't ever really sure where to go. We hadn't had the hospital tour yet and I had never been there before.

...I listened to the OB and the perinatologist disagree about whether my membranes had ruptured. The OB thought yes; the perinatologist, who was mister doom and gloom for most of my pregnancy, thought no.

...I saw my two sweet little men on the ultrasound monitor, acting as if nothing was amiss.

...I had the test that did show traces of amniotic fluid.

...I learned that Jason's sac (baby A) had ruptured, probably up high, which meant a slow consistent leak.

...I had our first scary discussion with the neonatologists about what birth at 26 weeks would mean to my babies. It didn't look good for the boys.

...I was told that girls are often stronger than boys when it comes to premature births.

...I was told that each day I was able to stay pregnant would increase their chance of survival 5%.

...I was told that most people who had their membranes rupture prematurely usually delivered within a week.

...I had the first of the two steroid shots given to help the babies' lungs mature; we prayed that they would wait for at least the 24 hours needed for the steroids to have an effect before they were born.

...I had my first shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions that I didn't feel but were, according to the monitors, two minutes apart.

...I felt the side effects of that drug for the first time. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it would not be the last.

...I started what would end up being a month of mega doses of antibiotics to try and ward off infection and keep the babies as healthy as possible. (We managed to get sick, and two of us nearly died, from an infection anyway.)

...I spent my first night ever in a hospital attached to two monitors for the babies, a third monitor for contractions, a blood pressure cuff, an IV for fluids and antibiotics, and a heart rate monitor for me.

...I was the most frightened I had ever been in my life up to that point.

...we began the countdown to the boys' birth.

In 17 days the boys turn 1.

May the healing begin.

A Hard Day

This week has been filled with doctor visits. On Monday, I had a regular OB visit. These visits are pretty boring if you ask me. I go in, pee in a cup, they check my weight and blood pressure, and the doctor comes in to dopplar me. There is no ultrasounds to watch, no cooter cams, no "main event" so to speak. I did get a prescription for yet another UTI. Woohoo. Wild day.

Of course, I had to take a nap after the excursion...getting off of the bed really exhausts me now-a-days!

Yesterday we had another appointment with doctor doom. Again, I was up the night before, unable to sleep. I always worry that this place will give me some other bad news to add to the list. My husband had planned to come home to get me and then go with me to the appointment (like usual). This is kind of an inconvenience for him because he has to back track to our house a little to get me and then go back the same way to get to the doctor doom's. I am not supposed to drive, though, so this is how it has got to be.

It takes him about 20 minutes to get home from his work. It takes us exactly 1/2 hour to get to doctor doom's office when all of the traffic gods are lined up in our favor. I had asked my husband to get home a little earlier than that so I didn't feel so rushed.

(This is the story of my husband's life. He is NEVER early for anything and it drives me crazy. I am the kind of person who likes to have some breathing room before an appointment/event so I leave early. He thinks that if it takes 30 minutes to get to the doctor's appointment, then you should leave your house 30 minutes before the appointment.)

Well, he wasn't home early, and it isn't that I really expected him to be. It would have been nice, but I wasn't really going to complain about it. I called him to see if it was about time for me to start heading outside so we could just leave when he got there. This is the conversation we had...

Me: "Hey. Where are you?"

Him: "I am on ----." (still a good 15 minutes away from our house)

Him: "Shit...."

Me: "What!?"

Me: "The appointment is scheduled for 3:45! What is going on?"

Him: "Nothing. I'll be right there."

Two seconds later, he calls back to say...

Him: "Call your mom and see if she can take you down there. I'll meet you there. We'll never make it on time if I come to get you."

Me: "I can't call my mom. She isn't home. You were supposed to take me so she is off running errands!"

Him: "Well, you'll just have to drive yourself then."

With no other options, I grabbed my keys and took off.

This was the first and only time I've driven in five weeks. The driving itself was no problem, but I was having a lot of trouble breathing. The seats in my car are not comfortable, never have been, and never will be. Plus, it is a manual transmission. So, needless to say, I was getting quite worked up about the whole thing.

And, the traffic gods were not in my favor, of course.

So, I get to the appointment about 15 minutes late. Exhausted. Pissed. Still stressed about the appointment itself. Did I say PISSED?

The funny thing about appointments is that when you are late for yours, you have to wait until they can fit you in. That took a total of one hour. Yes, one hour. I sat for most of the time until the waiting room cleared and I was able to lay on their very uncomfortable couch.

So much for bed rest.

We did get to have our favorite ultrasound technician. That was a plus. She is just really good about walking us through what we see on the screen and she immediately tells us when things look normal or not. That is a tremendous relief.

The boys are doing well. Both are still ahead in growth. They are definitely cramped now, too. Both are 1 lb 14 ozs. Fluid is good. Cervix is holding for the most part. It went down to 1.3mm from the 1.4-1.5mm it was the last time. All in all, things are looking as good as can be expected.

Dr. doom came in and said that he really wants me to get to at least 29 weeks. I think he wants to start 'roiding me then. He doesn't really want to do it before then unless I have some turn for the worst. He said that both babies would most likely live at this point, but the possibility of brain issues or cerebral palsy is increased before that time. He also said that if I do have them early that it isn't anything I did to make it happen. That was nice of him. Again, I guess things are going as well as can be expected at this point.

Then I had to drive home. At 5:45 on a weekday. In southern California. Not fun.

I think I cried the entire way home. I was uncomfortable, tired, and still pissed at my husband.

He took a back road and apparently got home about 10 minutes before me. When I walked in, he was eating chips and watching TV.

Did I say I was PISSED! This did not help matters at all.

I went to bed and cried some more.

Today I am super sore under my ribs and on both sides. And I am still tired. And I am still a little mad. Sigh.

Happy Birthday! **Updated With U/S Photos**

Today is my husband's 35th birthday! Happy day to you!!! I love you!

It has been a little strange to celebrate his day without the usual fanfare. I haven't been able to even go out and buy him a card! I did find some things for him online, and I know that I can make him a card, but it just feels so different this year.

I wanted to pop in for a few moments to update you on doctor doom's visit on Monday. Things are holding steady with the cervix. It measured the same as it did at the visit before so that is good. My cervix still has funneling, but it looks the same also. Baby B has taken to resting his foot in the funnel. Apparently it is just the right size to give him a little extra room.

The babies are on the larger side and are measuring about 10 days ahead of schedule. Baby A is 1lb 10 oz and Baby B is 1lb 12 oz. They are starting to look a little cramped now, too. The doctor suggested that I get my GD test done sooner rather than later just in case this is the cause of their big growth. (Dh was 10lbs at birth and is over 6 ft, while I was 9lbs and am 5'9" so that could be the cause too.) The concern about Baby A's foot was brought up again. They are still unsure whether he has a slightly clubbed foot or not. They keep going back and forth. The doctor did say this time that if it is clubbed, it would be only slightly as far as he could tell. That would mean casting his foot as soon as he's born to correct it. I suppose we can handle that.

Four weeks of bed rest down...four to go for 95% viability. Getting closer!

****Updated with baby pictures***

Baby A:


Baby A trying to block his face:


Baby B chomping on Baby A's nose:


Baby B trying to make off with Baby A's nose:


P.S. I think they look a lot like my side of the family...sorry, honey! Shh! Don't tell him!

I Am All Screwed Up!

Well, that says it all, doesn't it? Actually, it is my sleeping patterns that are all screwed up, not me. It is now 2:19 am and I am wide awake. Sad. This is after almost four weeks of bed rest. What will I be like in four more weeks? I guess I'll be ready for the night time feedings when they happen!

Poor dh has taken to sleeping on the couch because I just can't get to sleep. No sex (thanks to pelvic rest and I.C.) and now no bed. Jeez. Bet he wonders what will be next!

We have a doctor doom visit this afternoon. Maybe that is part of the reason for my inability to sleep. It will be nice to see the babies again (I pray they are well). Still, I have that anxious feeling I always get before we go to him.

Hope the cervix is nice and long. I don't really want to know what happens if it isn't.

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Hey, have you tried the Bionic Assessment Test that is on the right? I have hooked several of my friends on it, so watch out! Something happens when you get to 75% bionic...if you get there before me, tell me what it is!

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Thanks to Gemini Girl for an award! I feel so honored! She also honored two of my favorite reads, Topcat and Role Playing With the Kids, so that leaves me with three people to nominate. Now it is time for me to pass this baby on to some other deserving bloggers out there:



Carey from Uterus X 2: This blog is about Carey and her wife's quest to start a family. First, Steph became pregnant with "The Boy" and now Carey is pregnant with twins! That will make three babies in six months! I am in awe!

Dawn from Nearlydawn...Nearlypregnant...Nearlyoutofsteam!: Dawn just felt her first kicks this week! Congratulations, Dawn!

RC from Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent: RC is nominated frequently for such awards, but she is very deserving of each and every honor bestowed upon her. She is an absolute riot and very insightful! I'm sure you'll love reading her blog just as much as I do.

Day 21 of Bed Rest...

Tomorrow will be week 23. Yay. Both my babies are looking good and my cervix seems to be holding steady due to the cerlage and bed rest. All of these things are pointing to a happy ending with this pregnancy. I couldn't be happier (well I guess I could be happier if I wasn't on the bed rest, but you get my point).

At the start of this confinement, twenty-one days seemed like a lifetime away. I was sure that I would lose my mind. I must admit that I had several dark days in the beginning. I am okay about doing this now and the time seems to have blended together. It doesn't really seem like that long. I wonder if I'll look back at the end of the pregnancy and think the same thing?

But...

I am still struggling with the fairness of it all. Not so much with is it fair that I have to be on bed rest after working so hard to get pregnant in the first place while the rest of the world seems to go on blissfully in their easy pregnancies. No, I am struggling with the fairness of me being on bed rest while my husband is able to go do what he wants. How sad is that?

I still have considerable anger inside toward my husband. It doesn't show up very often and I don't think of it really, but it is there. I know it isn't healthy. I know it hurts our relationship. It is there none the less. We even went to counseling for it. Still there.

I blame my husband for me having to do all of this infertility shit. I blame him for making me wait until I was old and had high fsh and few eggs before he would even think of having kids. I blame him for the shots, the procedures, and maybe even the miscarriages. That "if I was younger I wouldn't be going through this" feeling was/and now is there.

Now I blame him for the bed rest. I can rationalize that it isn't his fault that my cervix is shortening. It isn't his fault that my body is reacting this way to being pregnant. But then I think "Or is it?" and I am back to the "if I was younger I wouldn't be going through this".

I have tried talking to my husband about these feelings and I thought he understood where I am at. I feel like this bed rest thing is a COUPLE issue not just a ME issue. I believe that we both are on bed rest now. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't go to work or do the things that need to be done to keep the house working. I just thought that it should be that he does the essentials and then spends the rest of the time at home.

He, however, has a different perspective. He feels that he is doing all of this extra work now and he needs some time away. So, he went to go to his cousin's football game on Friday and a poker game on Sunday. He spent most of both days out of the house. I am the one on bed rest, not him.

I have a problem with that.

Am I wrong to think that?

I realize he is doing a lot around the house and for me. I do appreciate it very much. I know it isn't easy for him either. But, if the tables were turned, and he was the one on bed rest, I would be there with him as much as possible.

Sigh...only about 12 more weeks of bed rest to go...

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Here are some pictures of the babies and my expanding stomach

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Me at 19 weeks (the week before bed rest):



Me at 22 weeks:



The babies looking at each other. They are elbow to elbow with their foreheads together. You can see the back of one baby's head and his ear (in the center of the picture) and the nose, lips, and chin of the second baby (in the bottom left hand corner of the picture).

Television

I have become a watcher of television. Now, that is not to say that I never watched television before, just that I didn't watch that much of it before now. I have books, which I am looking forward to reading, crossword puzzles, my computer, and other distractions around me, but the television (and computer) wins my attention most of the time. There is something about the mind numbingness of it that is VERY appealing to me right now. No thinking is allowed. Just watching. Maybe laughing. That is it.

Now that I am watching so much television, I am becoming quite the critic. There is definitely a lot of, for lack of a better word, crap out there. I wonder how some of these shows ever made it past an executive at any network. Along with the crap, thankfully, there are some really good things that I have discovered.

Commercial:

My favorite commercial right now is one of the Master.card "priceless" series. It is called "The Robot" and has the three dancing boys in backpacks who are returning to school. The tag line is "finding people who understand you: priceless." Love it! It always brings a smile to my face.

Reality TV Series:

Now this one isn't out yet, but I am awaiting the new show "Kid Nation." I know there has been some controversy about this show already, and I am hoping that this doesn't become some distorted version of Lord of the Flies. Although, after working in a junior high school for ten years, I have seen a lot of the Flies type behavior. It is just the nature of the beast I work with I guess. It has one chance to hook me...

And say what you will about "Survivor", but I am a fan. I am happy that it is starting soon, too!

Sitcom:

I am a fan of "Everybody Loves Raymond", "Scrubs", "I Love Lucy", and the "Simpsons". They make me laugh whenever I see them, even if I have seen the episode a hundred times before!

I have discovered "The New Adventures of Old Christine" this summer and enjoy that show. There is something about Julia Louis-Dreyfus that just makes me laugh. Her reactions were priceless on Seinfeld and continue to be priceless now.

Talk Show:

"Ellen" is da bomb! Enough said.

Cooking Show:

"Everyday Italian" reallllllly hits the pregnancy cravings spot! I'd be in heaven if I could just get her to transport all that yummy food into my living room! :-)

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Okay all of you television watchers out there, which shows are your favorites?

Backgammon and Scrabble

I am officially hooked on two games: Backgammon and Scrabble. I play mostly on the computer, but I do also enjoy beating (I mean playing with) actual humans. After long attempts to recruit my husband and mother, they are now hooked, too. (Or, at least they are being very kind to me and indulging my desires to play.)

I even purchased a Backgammon board game on ebay for only $5.76, the score of the week for me! It should be here today or tomorrow. I am excited.

Such is the life of the bedridden!

I did have an excursion to Dr. Doom yesterday. I think the man was actually chipper! I didn't know how to react, and kept looking at Isaac to see how he was responding to the unusual pep in the doctor's step. Isaac thought it was odd, too.

Anyway, my cervix is holding at the same measurement and the babies are still progressing nicely. Both babies are over a pound now. They were head to head, facing each other. I have the cutest ultrasound picture to post when I get it scanned. They were in exactly the same pose. So sweet!

The verdict is that I am to continue to stay on bed rest and go back in eleven days for the next check. Sigh.

Too Much Time to Think on Bed Rest!

(Warning! This is a long post!)

I am sitting here alone with my thoughts a lot now. That usually isn't such a bad thing, but often my mind travels to very unfortunate places and the worries/fears come out of hiding. Well, who am I kidding, these thoughts are not exactly hiding so I suppose that I would be thinking about these things whether I was on bed rest or not. Maybe the bed rest thing just gives me more time to focus on them...

Who knows?

In an effort to give myself something neat to think about, I contacted a psychic online....

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Now before you yell at me or say how dumb I am, let me catch you up with my history with this person.

Back in December, before IVF #1, I was in a state of nervous expectation. All kinds of questions raced through my brain. I had already done three IUI's and had been trying to conceive for well over two years at that point. Now this could be the thing to get me there. Would it work? Would I finally get my dream of being pregnant?

So I heard of a psychic on one of the support boards I visit. She was supposed to be super accurate. I looked her up and found that she would charge $7.00 (Canadian) to tell me when I would conceive. All my questions would be solved, right? Well, no, but I had hoped it would give me a little reassurance that I was doing the right thing. I was looking for anything at that point...did I say I was nervous?

I payed the money for the psychic reading and waited for my reply. Meanwhile, I started my cycle and got all the way to the retrieval. It was a dismal turn out for me. I had such high hopes but only managed to make six eggs. I was devastated. All the other women I had read about made twenty eggs it seemed. How would I ever get pregnant with just six? I was at a new low to say the least. I had a great fertilization report (all six fertilized) and when I went to the transfer on day three, they actually wanted me to come back the next day because they couldn't determine the "best" embies because they all looked so good. I started to feel a little better, but I wasn't convinced.

Then the psychic contacted me and said I would conceive/find out/or deliver in December. And, it would be a boy. (Wow, it just occurred to me that I will most likely deliver in December and I am having boys! Hmm...hadn't thought of that before!)

On day four, we transferred two beautiful embies (had one to freeze) and waited for a positive result. I found out my beta was positive the day after Christmas. I miscarried on January first. I was devastated.

So, I wrote to the psychic to tell her that I did indeed get pregnant, but I miscarried. Did she see any other babies in my future. She said I would conceive/find out/or deliver in March, but this time it was going to be a girl. She wrote me a lovely description of who she saw this daughter to be:

"When it comes to your daughter, would tell you that I see her as someone with very beautiful looks. I think that a lot of people are going to stop you when out and about and tell you how pretty she is. I think that you will find her well behaved,. shes not too loud, and has a very pretty voice. Shes someone who does not mind being in the centre of attention is not shy at all, and sometimes does seem oblivious to all the attention that she gets from complete strangers!

Shes very open and positive person, one who enjoys talking and is a very good listener. I think that you will find that shes willing to discuss pretty much anything with anyone (within reason) and often takes courses that reflect more of "nursing" type courses. The things that she chooses are always about helping people. Shes often volunteered during her teenage years, usually within a veterinarian office on the weekend to gain experience.

I see her as someone who enjoys social contact, prefers to be in activities that you learn things, like going to "girlguides/brownies" is what will appeal to her, the different badges they earn. I also see her taking first aid courses as well through them. Often asking you if she can advance her training.

When she is 18, I think that you will find that shes "scouted" and is asked to audition for a small part in a TV series which she lands no problem. This is the money she stocks away for schooling and at age 21, when the series wraps she attends university for a paramedic type course.

I think that you will find that she will often do commercials or small projects like that on the side, but likes to focus her attention as a paramedic. Often teaching first aid classes herself.

When it comes to marriage, I see her closer to 27, they will have two girls of their own."

This was a perfect balance of both myself and my husband. I focused on this information. It helped get me through the difficult time after the miscarriage. March was all I could think about, and wouldn't you know it, my next ivf cycle had the beta scheduled in early March! That fit perfectly. I knew I would get pregnant because the psychic said so. (I do realize that I was a little over the edge at this point, but if you have been in this kind of situation, I am sure you understand the desperation and need to have some kind of answers. This worked for me.)

February came, had eight eggies, seven fertilized, and we transferred four on day four this time. I think my RE had decided that my eggs were going bad and was trying to get more aggressive. I didn't care. I was going to get pregnant with a girl. Well, I got my positive on March 1 and miscarried a week later. I was devastated again. Went to the RE and pushed for testing because I started to think of my body as the womb o' death.

Back to the psychic. Did she see anything that could help me? Would I ever get that baby? She told me that we were on the path to find out what was preventing me from getting pregnant (we discovered some clotting disorders) and that she saw May with a girl.

That was this pregnancy and now I am 22 weeks tomorrow. She was right about it all but the girl thing. I fully expected to see at least one girl at the ultrasound because she was so right on about everything else. That didn't happen.

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I went back to the psychic to see if she could answer a few of my questions about this pregnancy. Now I am not holding the information she said about the boys as the ultimate truth. I think I will tuck that info away to pull out in the future to just see how close she got. I am not expecting them to be exact duplicates of what she wrote or anything. I get that this is fun and not necessarily how it will be, okay? But, if you are interested, here is what she wrote this time:

"Question: This is actually my second prediction from you (you were correct about conception/find out month but not gender) so I am trying to find out about my current pregnancy. I am currently pg with twin boys. What can you tell me about them?

Answer:

BOY A
When it comes to your son would tell you hat he is someone who is very good with communication. even as a young child seems to be able to tell you what it is he wants and seems to be able to show you when he wants something just as well as trying to explain it.

I think that you will find that he is someone who likes to be helpful, I see him trying to carry the jug of milk and its being a bit heavy for him, but he is someone who wants to make sure that he does it, someone who is always trying to be the "big boy" in the house and you can always count ont he fact that he is going to do what it takes to get the job done. He is not a slacker, someone who is always on the go and trying to make sure that everything is done right.

He has good leadership skills, someone who gives good direction to people and just has a way about him that although he is "ordering' people around, it's done in a way that is respectful and fun. kids love hanging around him, he is always got a new idea for them to try. someone who is relaxed and easy going and includes everyone in the game regardless.

I think that you will find that when it comes to career paths, I see him working in the warehouse. I believe that he handles also the safety position other than working on the floor with the machinery.

When it comes to marriage I see him closer to 26, they will have two girls of their own.

BOY B
When it comes to your second son, I think that he is very similar to his brother, only a bit more on the quiet side. One who does not push or get in your face, would prefer that you come to him or approach him when your someone new. He can be a bit shy, but seems to be more accepting to new situations when he has his brother with him while they are younger.

I think that you will find that he is someone who is very kind and gentle, always has a smile on his face and can be very affectionate. I think that you will find that he is more of the "listening" type, would much rather listen to people talking, than offering information about himself right away.

He is very funny, someone who always likes to make light of a situation and has no problems with cracking jokes about an otherwise stressful situation, even if it has to do with him and something that he is involved in.

I think that you will find that he is someone who is good with people, has a way about him that make people feel important and listened to. I think that you will find that he is most comfortable in familiar surroundings.

When it comes to career paths, I see him linked to a inside sales type position.

When i comes to marriage I see him closer to 22, they will have one girl and one boy of their own.

Question: When do you see me delivering the babies?

Answer:

At just over 37 weeks, so like at 37 weeks and 3 days (something to do with the number 22 comes in as well).

Question: I would love to know if any other children/pregnancies are in our future.

Answer: GIRL - MAY - same reading as before, but updated month"

My analysis about what she wrote? Well baby A sounds more like me in personality. I tend to get drafted into the leadership roles, and I do know that people listen and follow what I suggest. I am not sure about the work part of his prediction. Wharehouse occupations seem a little outdated! Baby B sounds a lot like my husband. He is a quiet thinker, and would much rather watch people doing things and talking than participate. (That is slowly changing, though.) He is very funny and has a quick witt. The occupation part is interesting, too, because my husband is the marketing director for a company and helps with creating advertisements for the sales department. I thought the delivery time was interesting. I would love to hold on to the babies until week 37. Week 37 starts the week of Christmas. Hopefully I can go that long without having contractions. Of course, the number 22 is a little scary. Wonder what that means? I am working on week 22 now...hmmm.

Anyway, this is at least giving me something fun to think about instead of all of the scary stuff. What do you think?

Like A Virgin Again

My first progesterone shot is tonight. I am nervous about it. I've been there, done that, but I am still dreading it. Funny how fast our minds let us forget all of the fun of shooting up, etc. when it isn't the focus every single day.

I hope dh remembers what to do...

Update: All went well after I switched the needle dh was going to use. He pulled the meds out with a 23 gauge needle and switched it to a 16 gauge to shoot me. WTF? Was he trying to take a chunk out of me while he was at it or something? Good thing I looked! My butt isn't happy with me and is a little sore at the injection site, but it isn't too bad.

Hmmm...

Well, Dr. Doom was not so much doom as gloom this appointment. He never will be Mr. Sunshine, so I suppose that this would be as close I am going to get to him being happy. I also must admit that for someone who should be on strict bed rest, they sure did make me sit around and wait for long enough! Anyway, I digress...

* The good news is that the cerclage is holding strong and things seemed to have settled quite a bit. The cervix measurement actually went from 1.2-1.5 cm to 1.9-2.0cm this week. YAY!

* My cervix is still short for someone at my gestational age (is that how you say that?) so the the bed rest continues until at least 28 weeks or my cervix has some sort of major reversal and grows to over 3 cm. BOO!

* The doctor gave me a script for P17 (progesterone shots) to help calm my uterus. He said he wasn't sure how much this will help my situation, although he said it will not hurt me. He asked if I was having contractions (why, yes! Since you scared the crap out of me and made me think that I absolutely had to have an amnio or I'd have deformed little aliens growing in me, I have had contractions every day.) The P17 will help there. BUT, he seems to think I have an incompetent cervix and that the p17 will not help me if that is truly the case. YAY! and BOO!

* Taking P17 means more butt shots. This will be one time a week but still. I had thought I had graduated out of that! BOO!

* The babies are measuring well. It was fun to watch them both punch and kick the ultrasound wands. In fact, Baby A was kicking at the vaginal wand so much that the technician was pushing on him to get him away. That a boy! Take care of your mommy! He is measuring the biggest at 1lb 1oz while Baby B is 2 days behind at 14oz. (That makes a 3 oz. difference between the two of them.) DOUBLE YAY!

* Baby A was breech = BOO! No vaginal birth if he remains that way...which he has since day one. I know there is still time for him to move, but he is taking his own sweet time.

* Baby B was head down = YAY!

That makes the score:

YAYS! = 5
BOOS! = 4

All in all, it was a good day. I go back on Friday to this doctor...I'll try not to worry about him too much until then. :-)

On a side note, I got to venture to the OB's office because of a possible UTI. Without giving you way more information than you could ever want, I couldn't pee satisfactorily. Went in and was told all is clear in my urine. (another YAY! because I am so sick of antibiotics) The diagnosis was that both my cervix and bladder are still recovering from the cerclage procedure. Hope it gets better soon.

I think I am doing better with the idea of bed rest in general. It helps to know that there was a positive effect on my cervix so it isn't like I am doing this and my cervix is continuing to decline. My mom comes over every day to keep me company. Today she washed some laundry, too. That was strange and not something that I enjoyed, but she is working on me to let her do some stuff around my house. 10 days down...many more to go.

Maybe I should add a bed rest countdown ticker?

Dr. Doom

I have a visit with Dr. Doom tomorrow and I am incredibly nervous. That man scares the crap out of me...I am compelled to continue to see him just in case he can DO something/anything to make everything peachy keen. What he can do remains to be seen. Still, I HAVE to go torture myself. It is a strange relationship to say the least. He is like that mean teacher you always wanted to impress at school but couldn't quite seem to please.

Hope all is well. Preparing for the worst. Praying for the best. Wish me luck.

Welcome to Pity Party Central

That is where I am at right now. I, of course, am the only attendee at the party, but that doesn't mean the party isn't in full swing.

Today is day 5. Only. I am going to lose my mind.

The Fun Just Never Ends

School officially started this week. I was nervous about it, wondering how I would handle being up and on my feet all day. My body was pretty used to laying around. I must admit that the first day back was tough and I was VERY tired when I got home. By Tuesday, though, I was feeling much better about it all.

I did talk to the administration about my feelings on the schedule changes. I was told that they appreciate my concern, but the decision was still going to remain the same. The union reps told me that I had something to grieve if I wanted to go that route. I decided that it wasn't worth my energy at this point. As a last effort, though, I did make them write an email stating that I would get the honors class back next year. At least that is something...

The whole issue became mute. On Tuesday I went to my scheduled appointment with Dr. "Doom and Gloom," you know, Mr. Amnio. About 10 minutes into the vaginal ultrasound, the technician called the doctor in to take a look. It seems that my cervix had begun to shorten and was now half the length it was four weeks ago. I was given the estimate that the cervix length was between 1.2-1.5cm. WTF? He immediately called my OB to set up an appointment for cerclage (cervix stitching) and put me on restricted bed rest. From here on out. Bed rest at 20 weeks. Pee, eat, shower for 10 minutes, then bed rest. Crap.

It was decided that I would go in the next day to have the procedure.

My regular OB is the doctor to perform the procedure. Before the actual cerclage, he wanted to see me at his office so he could check my cervix himself. Cervix is closed. That is good. Soft. Not so good, but not terrible. Still long enough to actually stitch it (he compared the cervix to the end of a balloon--you have to have the little tail part to do the stitching). My OB seemed a little confused as to why Dr. Doom was acting as if everything was so urgent. He said that he probably wouldn't have flagged me as even needing to have the stitch, although he would have suggested a "lightened load" at work.

Anyway...

I went of to the Same Day Surgery Ward at the hospital. I checked in and waited 3 whole minutes before they took me back to the prep room. When does that ever happen? It was probably because I was a nervous wreck and not too keen on the idea of them pulling my innards out to sew them up. Things always happen fast when I am nervous about something.

They took me back to a room that had a bunch of tables surrounded by curtains. I was the only patient at the time. The nurse led me to the first bed, pulled the curtain shut, and gave me a gown to get dressed in. I was strangely comforted by the gown. I guess I had seen enough of them at my retrievals. After that, they hooked me up to several monitors (I think there were six, but I may be off on that number). They took my history and medications list, put in an IV, and had me wait for the anesthetists. I was going to get a spinal because that is the safest for the babies. Fun.

Fast forward about a half an hour, and I was wheeled into an operation room (OR B to be exact). The room was sooooo cold and my teeth started chattering the second my mostly naked body entered. I had to sit on the edge of the table while they gave me the spinal and they layed me back on the table. I must admit that I was numb very quickly--pretty much before they even layed me back. I was strapped into stirrups (again reminiscent of retrievals) and "cleaned". They put in a catheter and called in my OB.

I was totally aware of everything that was happening, and I could hear the doctors talking over the chattering of my teeth. Again my OB said that he didn't really think that he would have made do all of this--he wasn't talking to me, I could just hear him. He again said that I was in better shape than he was led to believe. That isn't exactly what one wants to hear as she is laying there with her vajayjay hanging out for everyone to play with.

The actual procedure took approximately 10 minute. It took approximately four hours total before I could feel enough for them to release me. I got to go home with strict orders to remain flat on my back for the night. I managed a total of 13 hours before I caved and moved to my side.

Today I am sore and my back hurts, but otherwise you wouldn't know I had done anything yesterday. Strange how that is. I am doing the bed rest thing and getting up only to pee, eat, and shower, but I am already totally going crazy. It has been one day. I have 20 weeks left...

I managed to find a substitute for school and planned for two weeks. My colleagues have rallied behind me and have taken over planning and anything else they can think of to do. It is all very sweet and I am very lucky to have them in my life.

Tomorrow I have to call my OB and have them fax a disability letter to work.

After that, I guess I just lay around and incubate.