Stacie :-)
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1 day ago
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sometimes I just get so angry. I know there is a lot to be thankful for, but I get stuck in this pattern of raging at the world about why everything has to be so damn hard. Everything.
I am very worried about Sh.awn. There is just something not right with him and it feels like the time bomb has started its countdown. It would be fantastic if we never have to have another operation on his head. I would jump up and down and scream to the universe that finally something is right. Except in my heart I know that it isn't going to happen that way. I know it is only a matter of a few days, maybe weeks at the most, before we are back at the hospital.
And I can't get anyone else to see it. The doctors don't get it. They just want to take this wait and see approach. Until when? Until it is an emergency? Until there is irreversible damage? It feels like Is.aac just goes along with the doctors. He wants to believe them. He wants to trust them. And I do, too, but I don't trust them. I don't believe they are infallible. I don't believe that they never make mistakes. I don't believe that they know everything, so I am left fighting alone. Because I see it. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just go on blind faith that his head will be okay. Only that is not what I see damn it.
I am tired of fighting all the fucking time. Tired of being the one who has to always push. Tired of hospitals. Tired of seeing him sick. Tired of seeing him stuck over and over and having to hold him while he screams with that wild look in his eyes. Tired of knowing that he expects me to protect him but I betray him and help the enemy. Tired of watching my son struggle to do things that most do so easily. Tired of worrying that this latest setback will cause even more damage to my beautiful little boy. Tired of everything.
Why can't something be easy?
On days like these, the anger takes over my entire being. I fight with Is.aac. The boys frustrate me. I just want to hit and scream and hurt everyone I can. Until...I don't anymore.
Until...I'm left with feeling sorry for myself. I hate that feeling even more. I hate writing about it, and I hate thinking about it. But here it sits, my intimate partner for the night. I've finished my torture rounds of HOM blogs. I've read about healthy quints, quads, triplets, and even twins--all healthy with absolutely zero problems. I scoured their archives looking for brain bleeds and not a single one had to endure this torture. All of course lasted well past my gestation. There is even a woman pregnant with septuplets who is around 22 weeks and doing well even with an incompetent cervix and loss of twins at 18 weeks. All the joy, all the "normalcy" makes me feel even more sorry for myself--like I am such a failure.
Tonight I was holding the boys. Sh.awn was fussy (another thing that makes me worry) and Ja.son was trying to climb into my lap. Is.aac looked over and said something about me wanting to bring more babies into this family. My heart shattered.
If things don't go well this next time around, it will again be my responsibility.
It would break me if my body fails another time. It would break me if this pregnancy ends in PPROM and prematurity. It would break me to have to watch another of my babies struggle each and every day.
A friend of mine sent me a text about how amazed she was at my strength. I just continue to face each obstacle in front of me and always have such stoic grace and strength she said. I wanted to laugh.
This isn't strength.
If she only knew about these feelings. This is ugly. This is shameful.
This is terror at its truest form.
And I hate it.
I am very worried about Sh.awn. There is just something not right with him and it feels like the time bomb has started its countdown. It would be fantastic if we never have to have another operation on his head. I would jump up and down and scream to the universe that finally something is right. Except in my heart I know that it isn't going to happen that way. I know it is only a matter of a few days, maybe weeks at the most, before we are back at the hospital.
And I can't get anyone else to see it. The doctors don't get it. They just want to take this wait and see approach. Until when? Until it is an emergency? Until there is irreversible damage? It feels like Is.aac just goes along with the doctors. He wants to believe them. He wants to trust them. And I do, too, but I don't trust them. I don't believe they are infallible. I don't believe that they never make mistakes. I don't believe that they know everything, so I am left fighting alone. Because I see it. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just go on blind faith that his head will be okay. Only that is not what I see damn it.
I am tired of fighting all the fucking time. Tired of being the one who has to always push. Tired of hospitals. Tired of seeing him sick. Tired of seeing him stuck over and over and having to hold him while he screams with that wild look in his eyes. Tired of knowing that he expects me to protect him but I betray him and help the enemy. Tired of watching my son struggle to do things that most do so easily. Tired of worrying that this latest setback will cause even more damage to my beautiful little boy. Tired of everything.
Why can't something be easy?
On days like these, the anger takes over my entire being. I fight with Is.aac. The boys frustrate me. I just want to hit and scream and hurt everyone I can. Until...I don't anymore.
Until...I'm left with feeling sorry for myself. I hate that feeling even more. I hate writing about it, and I hate thinking about it. But here it sits, my intimate partner for the night. I've finished my torture rounds of HOM blogs. I've read about healthy quints, quads, triplets, and even twins--all healthy with absolutely zero problems. I scoured their archives looking for brain bleeds and not a single one had to endure this torture. All of course lasted well past my gestation. There is even a woman pregnant with septuplets who is around 22 weeks and doing well even with an incompetent cervix and loss of twins at 18 weeks. All the joy, all the "normalcy" makes me feel even more sorry for myself--like I am such a failure.
Tonight I was holding the boys. Sh.awn was fussy (another thing that makes me worry) and Ja.son was trying to climb into my lap. Is.aac looked over and said something about me wanting to bring more babies into this family. My heart shattered.
If things don't go well this next time around, it will again be my responsibility.
It would break me if my body fails another time. It would break me if this pregnancy ends in PPROM and prematurity. It would break me to have to watch another of my babies struggle each and every day.
A friend of mine sent me a text about how amazed she was at my strength. I just continue to face each obstacle in front of me and always have such stoic grace and strength she said. I wanted to laugh.
This isn't strength.
If she only knew about these feelings. This is ugly. This is shameful.
This is terror at its truest form.
And I hate it.
Is.aac left at 8:00 am for his 9:30 am appointment. He still had not been in to see the neurosurgeon at 12:30. It is freaking rediculous.
Fluid is reduced but still there. Because his eyes are looking better than they did after the surgery, the thought is that his brain is still adjusting and draining--hopefully headed in the right direction from here on out.
Still not feeling like we are out of the woods yet. My spidey senses are tingling. Sigh.
Repeat scan in October.
They finally started on their way home at 3:15 pm, but not before a run-in with the asshole. He looked at Is.aac, then at Sh.awn, and asked if he was feeling better. Is.aac said yes. Asshole said good and he hightailed it out of there.
I am SO glad I didn't go. I would not have done well with seeing him.
Oh, and Is.aac did bring up our frustrations with the asshole to our doctor. He was very sympathetic and told him that we should not take no for an answer when we request him. Putting it in our charts, too. A small victory.
Fluid is reduced but still there. Because his eyes are looking better than they did after the surgery, the thought is that his brain is still adjusting and draining--hopefully headed in the right direction from here on out.
Still not feeling like we are out of the woods yet. My spidey senses are tingling. Sigh.
Repeat scan in October.
They finally started on their way home at 3:15 pm, but not before a run-in with the asshole. He looked at Is.aac, then at Sh.awn, and asked if he was feeling better. Is.aac said yes. Asshole said good and he hightailed it out of there.
I am SO glad I didn't go. I would not have done well with seeing him.
Oh, and Is.aac did bring up our frustrations with the asshole to our doctor. He was very sympathetic and told him that we should not take no for an answer when we request him. Putting it in our charts, too. A small victory.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Updates on Everyone
Sorry it has taken me so long to update. We got involved with a rather lengthy back and forth with the hospital/surgeons so I've been on the phone pretty much all day. I had to cancel the ultrasound because I couldn't justify to myself that it was necessary just yet. Sh.awn is focus number one right now.
That being said, I am feeling a lot better. Funny how that coincides with being away from the hospital. Sigh. The spotting (although at the start there was a heck of a lot of it) has pretty much stopped. I'm not even wearing a pad right now. Tmi, sorry. Anyway, the pain has mostly gone away, too. I called the RE and spoke to the nurse about everything. She reiterated that lots of women spot during pregnancy, and because it was brown, there was not a lot of concern. They consider it normal. (to be fair, I spotted with the boys at 8 weeks. not as much, though) The pain I described did not make them think I was dealing with an ectopic. Since I had already spoken to the nurse about pain in my right ovary before transfer, the thought was that I might have ruptured a cyst. From what I've read on line, I am not sure that is the case, either. Because I was under a tiny bit of stress, I am going to chalk it up to my body freaking out and reminding me to slow the fuck down. Ahem. I will call again tomorrow, and there is a chance I could go in tomorrow for an u/s, but only if I have any other warning signs. So, the mystery of how many are in here will remain for a while longer. Sorry, guys.
I did not go on the conference. They all left yesterday, and the conference started today. There is a chance that I may go down on Thursday to go see Wicked with them, but we will see how that goes as the week progresses. Right now, Thursday seems so far away...
Sh.awny Bonny is doing a whole lot better. He's talking and moving around like his usual self. His eyes seem to correct themselves, which is a huge relief. But...he is clingy and whiny, which is not like him. I am hoping that is due to the trauma of the last few days and not due to something bigger. He freaks out when you restrain him in any way, though. That I KNOW is a residual from the hospital stay. He is a literal walking bruise, the poor baby. At last count, he has 15 different bruises from IV attempts/shots/blood draws and what not. Then there is his head. It's swollen and he doesn't like to lay on it yet, so I am sure it is sore. And they shaved his head. I just don't get why they have to shave so much hair away (he didn't have much to begin with) when they only need a small little area. The nurse thought to save his hair, though, so that was at least something. He also still has Betadine all over him (even down his butt crack--seriously, isn't that a little much), because he gets so upset when we try to get it off of him. Who can blame him with everything he's been through over the last several days.
The hospital crap started bright and early this morning. Is.aac called the surgeon's office to set up our post op appointment. He was told we had to meet with the asshole because he was the one to do the surgery. Fine. Whatever. Appointment was set for Wednesday morning. They called back about 10 minutes later to set up our surgery appointment. Huh? He had his surgery on Saturday, he was discharged yesterday. The receptionist clearly didn't know that. Sigh. We tell her we have an appointment with asshole on Wednesday.
About 10 minutes more go by and we get yet another call from the surgeon's office saying that we could meet with either our doctor or the asshole, and when would we like to come in? Duh, we just spoke to you (twice) and our appointment is on Wednesday with asshole. Then it became obvious that asshole had talked to her about not wanting to meet with us. We tell her we would rather meet with our doctor. She tells us he's available on Aug. 4. Our discharge papers say we need follow-up in 2-3 days. She leaves to go check and then tells us he's available tomorrow at 9:30. Hm. Whatever.
Then we had to deal with radiology, and that is just far too unbelievable of an experience to have to relate. People are just stupid. Enough said.
Is.aac is going to take Sh.awn down tomorrow for the post op. We've gone over a list of questions and things we want explained. He's also got a list of complaints to talk to our doctor about--everything from the asshole to dealing with the office today. Is.aac is much more diplomatic than I would ever be, so it is probably the best that he takes this one on his own. Plus, we are trying to keep me from as much stress as we can and I do believe I'll get worked up yet again over this. It's just that it is so hard for me to deal with the asshole who I attribute to fucking with my son's life. See? And he's not even here to yell at.
I'll leave you with a few tidbits from what I told him on Saturday:
me: "I am sure you are a nice person away from this place..."
asshole: smiles smugly
me: "...but your bed side manner is horrible. That is why you are not our doctor."
--
me: "...and a CT scan before discharge to ensure that you've placed the catheter in the right place."
asshole: "CT scans are not procedure and are only done when medically indicated, so he will not get a scan tomorrow. We never scan after surgery."
asshole: "We never place the catheters in the wrong place."
me: "Really? He had 8 surgeries last year. At least 4 of them were due to catheters in the wrong place." My blood pressure was starting to rise at this point. "Two surgeries were the day after you put catheters in the right place."
me: "Because of that, he had 2 CT scans before discharge, when we asked for them."
at that point he stopped talking to me and directed his comments to Is.aac. Fucker.
That being said, I am feeling a lot better. Funny how that coincides with being away from the hospital. Sigh. The spotting (although at the start there was a heck of a lot of it) has pretty much stopped. I'm not even wearing a pad right now. Tmi, sorry. Anyway, the pain has mostly gone away, too. I called the RE and spoke to the nurse about everything. She reiterated that lots of women spot during pregnancy, and because it was brown, there was not a lot of concern. They consider it normal. (to be fair, I spotted with the boys at 8 weeks. not as much, though) The pain I described did not make them think I was dealing with an ectopic. Since I had already spoken to the nurse about pain in my right ovary before transfer, the thought was that I might have ruptured a cyst. From what I've read on line, I am not sure that is the case, either. Because I was under a tiny bit of stress, I am going to chalk it up to my body freaking out and reminding me to slow the fuck down. Ahem. I will call again tomorrow, and there is a chance I could go in tomorrow for an u/s, but only if I have any other warning signs. So, the mystery of how many are in here will remain for a while longer. Sorry, guys.
I did not go on the conference. They all left yesterday, and the conference started today. There is a chance that I may go down on Thursday to go see Wicked with them, but we will see how that goes as the week progresses. Right now, Thursday seems so far away...
Sh.awny Bonny is doing a whole lot better. He's talking and moving around like his usual self. His eyes seem to correct themselves, which is a huge relief. But...he is clingy and whiny, which is not like him. I am hoping that is due to the trauma of the last few days and not due to something bigger. He freaks out when you restrain him in any way, though. That I KNOW is a residual from the hospital stay. He is a literal walking bruise, the poor baby. At last count, he has 15 different bruises from IV attempts/shots/blood draws and what not. Then there is his head. It's swollen and he doesn't like to lay on it yet, so I am sure it is sore. And they shaved his head. I just don't get why they have to shave so much hair away (he didn't have much to begin with) when they only need a small little area. The nurse thought to save his hair, though, so that was at least something. He also still has Betadine all over him (even down his butt crack--seriously, isn't that a little much), because he gets so upset when we try to get it off of him. Who can blame him with everything he's been through over the last several days.
The hospital crap started bright and early this morning. Is.aac called the surgeon's office to set up our post op appointment. He was told we had to meet with the asshole because he was the one to do the surgery. Fine. Whatever. Appointment was set for Wednesday morning. They called back about 10 minutes later to set up our surgery appointment. Huh? He had his surgery on Saturday, he was discharged yesterday. The receptionist clearly didn't know that. Sigh. We tell her we have an appointment with asshole on Wednesday.
About 10 minutes more go by and we get yet another call from the surgeon's office saying that we could meet with either our doctor or the asshole, and when would we like to come in? Duh, we just spoke to you (twice) and our appointment is on Wednesday with asshole. Then it became obvious that asshole had talked to her about not wanting to meet with us. We tell her we would rather meet with our doctor. She tells us he's available on Aug. 4. Our discharge papers say we need follow-up in 2-3 days. She leaves to go check and then tells us he's available tomorrow at 9:30. Hm. Whatever.
Then we had to deal with radiology, and that is just far too unbelievable of an experience to have to relate. People are just stupid. Enough said.
Is.aac is going to take Sh.awn down tomorrow for the post op. We've gone over a list of questions and things we want explained. He's also got a list of complaints to talk to our doctor about--everything from the asshole to dealing with the office today. Is.aac is much more diplomatic than I would ever be, so it is probably the best that he takes this one on his own. Plus, we are trying to keep me from as much stress as we can and I do believe I'll get worked up yet again over this. It's just that it is so hard for me to deal with the asshole who I attribute to fucking with my son's life. See? And he's not even here to yell at.
I'll leave you with a few tidbits from what I told him on Saturday:
me: "I am sure you are a nice person away from this place..."
asshole: smiles smugly
me: "...but your bed side manner is horrible. That is why you are not our doctor."
--
me: "...and a CT scan before discharge to ensure that you've placed the catheter in the right place."
asshole: "CT scans are not procedure and are only done when medically indicated, so he will not get a scan tomorrow. We never scan after surgery."
asshole: "We never place the catheters in the wrong place."
me: "Really? He had 8 surgeries last year. At least 4 of them were due to catheters in the wrong place." My blood pressure was starting to rise at this point. "Two surgeries were the day after you put catheters in the right place."
me: "Because of that, he had 2 CT scans before discharge, when we asked for them."
at that point he stopped talking to me and directed his comments to Is.aac. Fucker.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Heading for the hospital, bolstered by your support and prayers. Thank you. You can't know how much all of this means to me.
I am pretty sure I'm going to go beat me up an asshole. You'll probably see me in the headlines tomorrow.
When you do, just smile. And know that I am smiling, too. :-)
The fucker won't know what hit him.
I am pretty sure I'm going to go beat me up an asshole. You'll probably see me in the headlines tomorrow.
When you do, just smile. And know that I am smiling, too. :-)
The fucker won't know what hit him.
He finally started talking today, played a little, and smiled at the nurse. "What's that?" and "Boo" have never been so glorious.
He had a full bottle of milk and kept it down.
But his eyes still tug to the left on occasion. He can look forward, but they "pull" to the left--the side they just revised. They were not tugging at all before. That is one of his pressure signs.
No tugging before surgery, but tugging afterward scares me. A lot.
Is.aac will push again for a CT scan. Something is not right. But they'll try to discharge him because as the fucker said, "We don't place the catheters in the wrong place." Um, yeah. I forgot you are a God and make no mistakes.
Neurosurgery has not rounded yet. We are room 1, so we are first on the list unless they purposely avoid us. So no news on anything.
He had a full bottle of milk and kept it down.
But his eyes still tug to the left on occasion. He can look forward, but they "pull" to the left--the side they just revised. They were not tugging at all before. That is one of his pressure signs.
No tugging before surgery, but tugging afterward scares me. A lot.
Is.aac will push again for a CT scan. Something is not right. But they'll try to discharge him because as the fucker said, "We don't place the catheters in the wrong place." Um, yeah. I forgot you are a God and make no mistakes.
Neurosurgery has not rounded yet. We are room 1, so we are first on the list unless they purposely avoid us. So no news on anything.
I am home. There's not enough room in the hospital for us both to stay, so Is.aac made me come home. My stomach has been killing me all day, so although it pains me, it is for the best.
He made it through surgery fine. They say there was a blockage in the catheter that leads from the shunt to the ventricle. (I asked if his shunt was one of the recalled shunts, and the asshole had the nerve to tell me that they don't use recalled equipment. No shit idiot. You put this in his head before they were recalled.) They went in to fix just that part. But now...I worry that this won't be the end of it. I have this feeling, and there was something off to his eyes. I would love to be wrong. Pray that I am wrong.
I can't even speak about my run in with the asshole. It was bad. Bad. Bad enough to make me cry for 20 minutes afterward, which made me feel like he won and I am a sack of worthless shit. I hate him. I hate him with every ounce of my being. If I saw him while driving I would run him over, back up, and run him over again hate him. But he is not worth my energy and I need to find a way to not let him beat me mentally.
The fucker.
I think Sh.awn is still dehydrated. He had an IV at our local hospital, which ran for two hours. They disconnected it to transport him to the other hospital. There he sat with no IV for hours. Is.aac kept telling them that he was dehydrated but they never connected him. Finally, he was hooked back up to the IV about 20 minutes before his surgery. The IV blew (making his arm swell to the size of my wrist) on the way from recovery to his hospital room. 5 nurses tried at least 9 places. At one point the nurse went through his vein and back up through his skin. It was horrible, even with the topical anesthetic. They finally decided to ask the docs to approve an IM antibiotic. When they left to go get clearance, we both cried while we tried to soothe Sh.awn back to sleep.
I finally got pedialyte from them when I pointed out he was crying WITHOUT TEARS while they tortured him. He guzzled 6 ounces and kept it down during the scream fest, so I am hopeful about that.
It just his eyes...
They are talking of discharging him tomorrow. The asshole refused a follow-up CT tomorrow before we left because it was unnecessary. They NEVER do that, blah blah blah. Yeah right. They did it twice the last time we were there.
Oh, but get this. He chastised me numerous times because they don't have an up to date CT scan. Um, you won't make sure your work is correct, but you want me to take him to go get CT scans when he doesn't need them. Makes no sense fucker.
Did I mention I hate him?
I told everyone I could that we would not be talking to him tomorrow. I even told him to send the resident during rounds. Want to bet the fucker shows up anyway?
I need to go to bed. It is 3 am and I am exhausted. I slept very little last night because I was so worried about Sh.awn. Today drained me to a new low.
I have to just say that I don't normally curse in real life. I am just so upset...those are the only words that fit my mood.
He made it through surgery fine. They say there was a blockage in the catheter that leads from the shunt to the ventricle. (I asked if his shunt was one of the recalled shunts, and the asshole had the nerve to tell me that they don't use recalled equipment. No shit idiot. You put this in his head before they were recalled.) They went in to fix just that part. But now...I worry that this won't be the end of it. I have this feeling, and there was something off to his eyes. I would love to be wrong. Pray that I am wrong.
I can't even speak about my run in with the asshole. It was bad. Bad. Bad enough to make me cry for 20 minutes afterward, which made me feel like he won and I am a sack of worthless shit. I hate him. I hate him with every ounce of my being. If I saw him while driving I would run him over, back up, and run him over again hate him. But he is not worth my energy and I need to find a way to not let him beat me mentally.
The fucker.
I think Sh.awn is still dehydrated. He had an IV at our local hospital, which ran for two hours. They disconnected it to transport him to the other hospital. There he sat with no IV for hours. Is.aac kept telling them that he was dehydrated but they never connected him. Finally, he was hooked back up to the IV about 20 minutes before his surgery. The IV blew (making his arm swell to the size of my wrist) on the way from recovery to his hospital room. 5 nurses tried at least 9 places. At one point the nurse went through his vein and back up through his skin. It was horrible, even with the topical anesthetic. They finally decided to ask the docs to approve an IM antibiotic. When they left to go get clearance, we both cried while we tried to soothe Sh.awn back to sleep.
I finally got pedialyte from them when I pointed out he was crying WITHOUT TEARS while they tortured him. He guzzled 6 ounces and kept it down during the scream fest, so I am hopeful about that.
It just his eyes...
They are talking of discharging him tomorrow. The asshole refused a follow-up CT tomorrow before we left because it was unnecessary. They NEVER do that, blah blah blah. Yeah right. They did it twice the last time we were there.
Oh, but get this. He chastised me numerous times because they don't have an up to date CT scan. Um, you won't make sure your work is correct, but you want me to take him to go get CT scans when he doesn't need them. Makes no sense fucker.
Did I mention I hate him?
I told everyone I could that we would not be talking to him tomorrow. I even told him to send the resident during rounds. Want to bet the fucker shows up anyway?
I need to go to bed. It is 3 am and I am exhausted. I slept very little last night because I was so worried about Sh.awn. Today drained me to a new low.
I have to just say that I don't normally curse in real life. I am just so upset...those are the only words that fit my mood.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
My mom is finally here, so I am about to set off for the hospital.
I am strangely calm. Maybe that is the problem. I can't help but feel like I am headed to doom, though. Bleh.
I'm not taking my computer. Shawn is on the small side of the room, so anything extra needs to be left at home. I'll try to email updates through my phone, but well, I don't know how reliable it is.
I am strangely calm. Maybe that is the problem. I can't help but feel like I am headed to doom, though. Bleh.
I'm not taking my computer. Shawn is on the small side of the room, so anything extra needs to be left at home. I'll try to email updates through my phone, but well, I don't know how reliable it is.
Oh my God. Give me strength.
The asshole is on call all week.
THE asshole.
The one I wanted to tear his eyes out because he threatened the life of my baby and said I could move him if I didn't like how he, the fucking neurosurgeon God, was dealing with Sh.awn's difficult case.
The one I swore to NEVER deal with again.
I can't breathe.
My stomach is killing me.
The asshole is on call all week.
THE asshole.
The one I wanted to tear his eyes out because he threatened the life of my baby and said I could move him if I didn't like how he, the fucking neurosurgeon God, was dealing with Sh.awn's difficult case.
The one I swore to NEVER deal with again.
I can't breathe.
My stomach is killing me.
**I'll update throughout the day at the bottom as I get info and am able. Thanks for all the prayers, everyone. I think we'll need them.
---
Isaac took him to the hospital a little under an hour ago. He has now reached dehydration, I think. I haven't heard anything yet and am about to explode.
I am here with Ja.son because no one is available to watch him right now. I can't bring myself to take Ja.son to the hospital and expose him to all the crap that is there. So, here I wait for word...in full freak out mode.
And I am bitterly angry that Is.aac wouldn't listen to me last night. He made me feel like some crazy person because I wanted him to go last night (you know, when we both could go and had access to childcare for Jason). We were miserable all night long. Poor Sh.awn.
I hope they can give him some fluids and yet not admit him. Ugh. I hope there is no reason to admit him.
---
Oh, and IB, welcome back. I literally didn't have enough shit to think about.
---updated
CT scan showed some fluid on the right side. The hospital he is at now is trying to communicate with Child.ren's to compare scans. Not feeling good about this.
FUCK.
---12:26 pm
Transporting him via ambulance to Children's. Is.aac has seen the scan, although there is no way to get the scan from the hospital he's at to the hospital that he has his other scans from (which I think is bullshit). The fluid build up does seem "bigger" to Is.aac, but he admits it has been a while since he's see his last scan (June 2008).
Blood work came back normal for everything, including flu. The lack of diarrhea makes them go to the old standby, the shunt.
His shunt is not adjustable. It will be surgery if there needs to be adjusted.
Is.aac's phone is dying, just to add to the fun.
I declare the universe is a fucking bitch.
Now I have to figure out how to get to our local hospital and get the car with the car seats and get to Childrens.
---
Isaac took him to the hospital a little under an hour ago. He has now reached dehydration, I think. I haven't heard anything yet and am about to explode.
I am here with Ja.son because no one is available to watch him right now. I can't bring myself to take Ja.son to the hospital and expose him to all the crap that is there. So, here I wait for word...in full freak out mode.
And I am bitterly angry that Is.aac wouldn't listen to me last night. He made me feel like some crazy person because I wanted him to go last night (you know, when we both could go and had access to childcare for Jason). We were miserable all night long. Poor Sh.awn.
I hope they can give him some fluids and yet not admit him. Ugh. I hope there is no reason to admit him.
---
Oh, and IB, welcome back. I literally didn't have enough shit to think about.
---updated
CT scan showed some fluid on the right side. The hospital he is at now is trying to communicate with Child.ren's to compare scans. Not feeling good about this.
FUCK.
---12:26 pm
Transporting him via ambulance to Children's. Is.aac has seen the scan, although there is no way to get the scan from the hospital he's at to the hospital that he has his other scans from (which I think is bullshit). The fluid build up does seem "bigger" to Is.aac, but he admits it has been a while since he's see his last scan (June 2008).
Blood work came back normal for everything, including flu. The lack of diarrhea makes them go to the old standby, the shunt.
His shunt is not adjustable. It will be surgery if there needs to be adjusted.
Is.aac's phone is dying, just to add to the fun.
I declare the universe is a fucking bitch.
Now I have to figure out how to get to our local hospital and get the car with the car seats and get to Childrens.
Friday, July 24, 2009
He is clearly not well. He's thrown up off and on throughout the day, and when he finishes throwing up the ped.ialyte I managed to get him to drink he will dry heave over and over. He's had no food since yesterday afternoon. I tried to give him some applesauce and even some stage 2 baby food I still have, but he threw it up after a few spoon fulls.
I am about to freak the fuck out.
I pray it is a virus still, but I've been on the verge of taking him to the hospital just in case. Is.aac thinks I am overreacting. I'll take him to the hospital if you think he needs to go. (asshole. I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't think he needed to go) He thinks it is the flu.
Fine...but what if it isn't?
Forget about to--I am freaking the fuck out.
And did I mention I leave on Sunday for a week long work convention 4 hours away? Yeah. That just makes me freak the fuck out more.
I am about to freak the fuck out.
I pray it is a virus still, but I've been on the verge of taking him to the hospital just in case. Is.aac thinks I am overreacting. I'll take him to the hospital if you think he needs to go. (asshole. I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't think he needed to go) He thinks it is the flu.
Fine...but what if it isn't?
Forget about to--I am freaking the fuck out.
And did I mention I leave on Sunday for a week long work convention 4 hours away? Yeah. That just makes me freak the fuck out more.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Sh.awny's been sick today. He's throwing up and generally feels yucky. I couldn't bring myself to put him in his crib tonight. I just need to have him near me. I need to see him. I am trying to make myself back away from the ledge and acknowledge this is probably just a bug he's picked up--perhaps from the therapy clinic we visited this week (I knew it was a bad idea to go there).
Every time the kid gets sick doesn't necessarily mean that something big is happening. It is just that...I worry. Vomiting is his sign. Everyone please talk to whomever you talk to and pray that this is just a stupid virus and not his shunt. Please.
I can't do the shunt again. I just can't.
I'm just worried because things are going so well for us. Maybe too well I guess. Sigh.
Every time the kid gets sick doesn't necessarily mean that something big is happening. It is just that...I worry. Vomiting is his sign. Everyone please talk to whomever you talk to and pray that this is just a stupid virus and not his shunt. Please.
I can't do the shunt again. I just can't.
I'm just worried because things are going so well for us. Maybe too well I guess. Sigh.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Pride Part 3
Exciting things have been happening here at our house. Sh.awn crawled on all fours! It was brief and only a few steps at a time, but he did it. Twice! Whoot!
Even better than that, he pulled himself up from the floor to a high kneel five times (that I saw) over the last two days. FIVE TIMES!
Plus, he can stand at the couch without any support! Yeah!
Like I've said before, these events may be regular occurrences for any other baby who is 20 months old, but for Sh.awny these are huge. HUGE.
And we may not be walking when we go to the neurologist next month, but I am so working on teaching him how to flip the bird. That would be priceless. Ahem.
He continues to amaze me every day with his determination. I'm very lucky to be his mommy. :-)
---
Not feeling much on the other front except for a few cramps here and there and some hunger. Speaking of, I am off to the kitchen. Hugs.
Even better than that, he pulled himself up from the floor to a high kneel five times (that I saw) over the last two days. FIVE TIMES!
Plus, he can stand at the couch without any support! Yeah!
Like I've said before, these events may be regular occurrences for any other baby who is 20 months old, but for Sh.awny these are huge. HUGE.
And we may not be walking when we go to the neurologist next month, but I am so working on teaching him how to flip the bird. That would be priceless. Ahem.
He continues to amaze me every day with his determination. I'm very lucky to be his mommy. :-)
---
Not feeling much on the other front except for a few cramps here and there and some hunger. Speaking of, I am off to the kitchen. Hugs.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
18dpo
Well slap my ass and call me Sally.
I just might be pregnant.
Holy shit.
Ultrasound scheduled on August 6th at 10:30.
I think I am in shock!
Shaking.
Tearing up!
Imagine that?!!?
...and the beta was 657.
According to the beta calculator, Doubling time =1.48 days.
Oh. My. God.
(the boys were 590 at 17dpo FYI - their Doubling time was 1.87 days)
Holy shit.
I just might be pregnant.
Holy shit.
Ultrasound scheduled on August 6th at 10:30.
I think I am in shock!
Shaking.
Tearing up!
Imagine that?!!?
...and the beta was 657.
According to the beta calculator, Doubling time =1.48 days.
Oh. My. God.
(the boys were 590 at 17dpo FYI - their Doubling time was 1.87 days)
Holy shit.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Obsession Continues
It's so purtee!
Yesterday's line was definitely darker than the control and 15dpo. So, I am going to step out on a limb here (don't let me jinx myself) and believe that I might just get a doubled beta tomorrow. please, please, please
Still in a state of disbelief here.
If my obsessive calculations are correct, and I follow that 48 hour doubling rule, I should expect somewhere around 404. Give me that, oh universe, and I'd be ecstatic.
---
To answer some of the questions I've been getting:
1) Assuming all goes well tomorrow, I won't be scheduled for an ultrasound until 4 -41/2 weeks after retrieval according to the RE. (around 6 1/2 weeks so somewhere around the week of August 3)
2) I cant' believe I checked this, but my due date would be March 25, 2010. (how strange is it that it is around the anniversary of my dad's death?)
3) 101 scares me so much because I have had two miscarriages that both started out with betas at or near 100 (one was 100 and the second was 96, but both were at 15dpo). I failed to adequately double for both of them. They went up at the 66% rate and then crashed. Of course this was before the blood issues were caught.
4) Speaking of blood issues, the RE does not think I need to do lovenox this time. We did some blood work, and now he feels that I won't need it, the baby aspirin and folgard will do everything. I am wildly nervous about this. Wildly. Nervous.
5) I won't tell anyone in real life for some time yet (so Jen, you'll have to keep the secret for a while longer)--definitely not until I see a heartbeat. Untelling sucks and I've already been burned in that area. This will be tough, because I still have quite the pooch going. I look big compared to what I normally am. I do think there is some cystie poos hanging out on my right side still. That side has been sore since retrieval.
6) I am doing progesterone injections and vivelle dots still. The shots would last until 10-12 weeks. I am not sure how long the dots will last.
7) I can't really pinpoint why this cycle was so different. We upped my gonal f 75 units a day (for a total of 300 units in the morning) and I did the same amount of menapur in the evenings (2 vials). I did ganirelix for 4 nights like usual.
Is.aac seems to think this one went better because I was not as stressed about ttc. I don't know if I exactly agree with that.
I do know that the cycle that gave me the boys was the 6th medicated cycle out of 10 months and included 2 miscarriages. Maybe all of that stressed my body too much? I did acupuncture then, too. I didn't do any acupuncture this time around.
I just don't get it.
8) I'll probably head in for my blood work around 10:30 am again tomorrow. They'll probably call around 2:30/3:00pm. I may just take K up on her request to have the clinic's number. She swears she can get the number in 30-40 minutes! :-)
You got any other questions for me while we wait for tomorrow?
---edited to add:
9) from Geohde: How many hpts did I buy (and for how much)? I have taken 9 tests, which was from 4 boxes of hpts--First Res.ponse and An.swer brands. I think the total was somewhere around $50. (OMG, I truly am a nut!) I have one more box of 2 tests that Is.aac bought me, probably so he wouldn't have to go back out for tests.
10) from K: Did you do pregnancy tests with the two miscarriages? and did they get darker every day? Yes, I did pregnancy tests with the miscarriages. For m/c #1, though, I didn't test until after I did the blood test. I took a test that day to see what a positive actually looked like. It was almost like I didn't think I could ever produce two lines on one of those stupid tests and had to prove it to myself. The next day, the line looked the same. It never really changed after that. Once I knew my levels started dropping, I stopped testing and cried. Bleh. For m/c #2, I tested early, at I think 12 dpo and got those lovely double lines. I tested every day then. They initially got darker...until they didn't. Then I tested everyday and watched the lines get lighter until it was white. It was torture.
11) from Julie: Why did they have you wait 4 days instead of going for the 48 hour beta? I have no idea why they did that. I personally think the nurse was being mean. There is no other reason but that to make me wait until Tuesday rather than Monday IMOH. Evil woman.
Hey, this q and a thing is fun. It is probably screwing with your readers, but it is fun!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Because I Am a Freak
Of course I tested. I won't be secure until I actually have a baby at the end of this, and Tuesday is a long time off from now. Happily, the second line came up immediately and was as dark as the test line. Whew. At least for today, things are looking good. I'll take it. One day at a time, right?
Here is a progression of tests so far (the 9dpo has a line, but it is faint and hard to photograph). Isn't today's test, 15 dpo, pretty?!
This is a comparison of today's test and the 14dpo test from the pregnancy that gave me the boys. Apparently I didn't test on 15dpo because I went in for blood work that day.
One day at a time.
Here is a progression of tests so far (the 9dpo has a line, but it is faint and hard to photograph). Isn't today's test, 15 dpo, pretty?!
This is a comparison of today's test and the 14dpo test from the pregnancy that gave me the boys. Apparently I didn't test on 15dpo because I went in for blood work that day.
One day at a time.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Multimedia message
What Ja.son was doing while I was in giving blood. Cracks.Me.UP!!!
Everybody loves Elvis. :-)
Did you notice the head shake when he starts singing? Love it!
**Beta news under this post if you missed it.
Everybody loves Elvis. :-)
Did you notice the head shake when he starts singing? Love it!
**Beta news under this post if you missed it.
The Verdict is Pregnant
Everyone is acting like I came in waaaaaayyyyy too early. Jeez, it was only one day earlier than they would have normally scheduled me, but it was like I broke this huge rule or something. The nurse repeated that to me again (the same one, Karen, and I did tell her that my paperwork in fact says the 17th--ahem), and told me my beta number. She then said again that they want me to come back on Tuesday for a repeat draw. That was it. It was kind out anticlimactic actually.
SO, yeah it was positive. But, you already knew that, right?
Then the RE called me himself and said words like "encouraged" and "still earlier than they normally run betas" and "doesn't think it's twins or anything." So, hmm. I tell him that I hope it sticks. He was like "things look really good so far." That makes me feel a bit better. I am all for external validation and shit apparently.
Then I had to text Is.aac and tell him the number. (so impersonal, I know, but he was in a meeting, so it was the only thing I could do) But before he could text me back, the therapist came to work with the boys, and she's here for 2 full hours. I couldn't figure out a way to leave therapy to come write this. That meant I had to make you all wait longer than I really wanted to.
I would hate to make you all wait forever for this kind of news. I know how invested you all are in this cycle that came out of nowhere--a cycle that defied the odds and seemed to be going better than I could have ever imagined.
So, without further ado, and because you are probably cursing me by now, the number was...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
101.
Is it just me, or does that seem sort of small for 14dpo? Positive encouragement is welcome. Of course had I come in on the day they wanted me to, it would have been higher, so...
I am such a shmuck.
SO, yeah it was positive. But, you already knew that, right?
Then the RE called me himself and said words like "encouraged" and "still earlier than they normally run betas" and "doesn't think it's twins or anything." So, hmm. I tell him that I hope it sticks. He was like "things look really good so far." That makes me feel a bit better. I am all for external validation and shit apparently.
Then I had to text Is.aac and tell him the number. (so impersonal, I know, but he was in a meeting, so it was the only thing I could do) But before he could text me back, the therapist came to work with the boys, and she's here for 2 full hours. I couldn't figure out a way to leave therapy to come write this. That meant I had to make you all wait longer than I really wanted to.
I would hate to make you all wait forever for this kind of news. I know how invested you all are in this cycle that came out of nowhere--a cycle that defied the odds and seemed to be going better than I could have ever imagined.
So, without further ado, and because you are probably cursing me by now, the number was...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
101.
Is it just me, or does that seem sort of small for 14dpo? Positive encouragement is welcome. Of course had I come in on the day they wanted me to, it would have been higher, so...
I am such a shmuck.
The Wait Continues
So, I dragged myself and the dynamic duo down to the clinic for the big blood draw. Called Is.aac and had him meet us there so he could be on baby duty in the car while I went in to do the deed.
We were all set.
I got into the clinic, signed in and waited in the crowded waiting room for them to call my name. A few minutes later, the nurse called me over to the front desk.
Nurse: "Are you going out of town?"
Me: "No."
N: "We have you scheduled for your blood work on Monday, not today. I was just trying to figure out what was going on."
M: "Well, my paperwork says today. The nurse assistant had originally put the 18th, but she changed it to Friday, the 17th, because you don't do pregnancy tests on the weekend."
N: "Really? The paperwork we have says the 20th. See?" (I think she implied I was an idiot. I can't be exactly sure, but I think that is what she did.)
I confirmed it said the 20th.
M: "I am fairly certain that my paperwork says the 17th. I even checked to make sure." (I checked the other day, but she didn't need to know that)
M: "I've been getting positives since 9dpo."
N: "Well, I guess we can just do it today." (you're darn straight you're doing it today) "You can come in for your repeat beta on Tuesday.
M: "That's fine." (what-ev-er--add major eye rolling on my part as I walk away)
Did my blood work and came home. First thing I did was check my paperwork. See...I am not crazy. Is it wrong that I want to drive back there and shove it in the nurse's face?
We were all set.
I got into the clinic, signed in and waited in the crowded waiting room for them to call my name. A few minutes later, the nurse called me over to the front desk.
Nurse: "Are you going out of town?"
Me: "No."
N: "We have you scheduled for your blood work on Monday, not today. I was just trying to figure out what was going on."
M: "Well, my paperwork says today. The nurse assistant had originally put the 18th, but she changed it to Friday, the 17th, because you don't do pregnancy tests on the weekend."
N: "Really? The paperwork we have says the 20th. See?" (I think she implied I was an idiot. I can't be exactly sure, but I think that is what she did.)
I confirmed it said the 20th.
M: "I am fairly certain that my paperwork says the 17th. I even checked to make sure." (I checked the other day, but she didn't need to know that)
M: "I've been getting positives since 9dpo."
N: "Well, I guess we can just do it today." (you're darn straight you're doing it today) "You can come in for your repeat beta on Tuesday.
M: "That's fine." (what-ev-er--add major eye rolling on my part as I walk away)
Did my blood work and came home. First thing I did was check my paperwork. See...I am not crazy. Is it wrong that I want to drive back there and shove it in the nurse's face?
I hate it when they do things like this. Sigh.
So begins the waiting.
I'll update when I get my number. I have to say that this one doesn't really worry me. I tend to do pretty well on betas. I think my lowest at 14dpo was 90.
It is the doubling that gets me...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
For Inquiring Minds
The line looks pretty much the same (An.swer brand hpt), but it did come up more quickly than it did on Tuesday. I suppose that will make me satisfied until tomorrow. Mostly. (although the line being as dark as the control line would have been better)
As before, the top hpt in the picture is of today's test at 13dpo, the bottom test is from the boys (Fi.rst Re.sponse brand).
As before, the top hpt in the picture is of today's test at 13dpo, the bottom test is from the boys (Fi.rst Re.sponse brand).
What are you thinking now, Karen? One? Two? Shoot, what do you guys think? Any guesses on the beta number?
---
I just put up a poll on the side bar!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
If you can believe this, I have NOT tested today. I just didn't feel the overwhelming urge to do so like I have over the past few days. I am going to test again tomorrow so I'll be able to torment myself over the difference in the darkness/thickness of the lines between tomorrow's test and the other tests I have taken already. Please let it be darker...please let it be darker...please let it be darker. I told you I tended to get all psycho over these stupid things. Holy cow, beta is on Friday!
Actually, today I've been really tired. All I wanted to do was to rest for a while; but, it was a therapy day, and I needed to make the house look somewhat decent for the therapists. While I have no problem overlooking the fur floating around and dust everywhere, it makes me nervous to think about these people coming here and seeing what a complete slob I am. (they write reports about us and all--got to look good on paper says my freakish mind)
---
OMG, Is.aac just made me two smores...yum. Been wanting one since I saw them on a stupid commercial the other day. He is definitely on my good list tonight. He brought be jalapeno poppers, onion rings, and Spanish rice for dinner, too. Hea-ven.
---
Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, I have also been fighting with the boys to keep their glasses on and to stop yanking them off of each other's heads. WTF? You can't see without them so quit taking them off. I have run out of patience for it, too.
So to recap:
Actually, today I've been really tired. All I wanted to do was to rest for a while; but, it was a therapy day, and I needed to make the house look somewhat decent for the therapists. While I have no problem overlooking the fur floating around and dust everywhere, it makes me nervous to think about these people coming here and seeing what a complete slob I am. (they write reports about us and all--got to look good on paper says my freakish mind)
---
OMG, Is.aac just made me two smores...yum. Been wanting one since I saw them on a stupid commercial the other day. He is definitely on my good list tonight. He brought be jalapeno poppers, onion rings, and Spanish rice for dinner, too. Hea-ven.
---
Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, I have also been fighting with the boys to keep their glasses on and to stop yanking them off of each other's heads. WTF? You can't see without them so quit taking them off. I have run out of patience for it, too.
So to recap:
- I am still calm and didn't test.
- I cleaned my house because I am a freak even though all I wanted to do is sleep.
- I have been fighting with the boys to wear their freaking glasses.
- Is.aac is on the good list because he's brought me all kinds of delicious crap to eat for dinner. :-)
Till tomorrow! Man, this was a pointless post.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
11dpo
Am I that transparent?
Apparently so.
I had actually managed to make it past the drug store but turned around at the last minute. I am such a shmuck!
Besides, I couldn't leave you all in the dark. You believe that, right? :-)
---
I had a great time with the girls, too. I think I am somewhat calm at the moment. I was bursting at the seams to tell them what is up, though. In the end, I didn't. Whew. That was hard!
P.S. This is a comparison of the boys pregnancy at 11dpo (black) and what is happening now (blue). And yes, I still have those pee sticks!
In case you didn't know, or in case my words make you believe otherwise, I really don't like drama. I like calm and quiet and consistency. I like hard work and fun and laughter.
Freaking out is something I definitely do NOT like. Drama is NOT something that I like.
But now, I swear I feel like I am the biggest drama queen in the entire world. All I do is wallow in drama all day long.
Am I?
Yes?
No?
All day long! It is tiring.
I laugh out loud when I read your comments. Is.aac looks at me like I am crazy and wants to know what is so funny. I just tell him that I really love the people who comment on my blog. They are the best! He just rolls his eyes at me and goes back to playing online poker. He doesn't get it. Men!
I should tell him that I am totally losing my shit on the inside. Good Lord, what if I am pregnant?
I had this moment last night when I just cried and cried and cried. Sh.awn has been waking up screaming at about 10 pm every night. I am not sure if it is nightmares or teeth or what, but Ja.son had a similar period of doing this, so I am rolling with it. Anyway, he is inconsolable when this happens, so I've been picking him up and taking him to the living room to rock him and comfort him until he relaxes enough to go back to sleep. He was lying there in my arms and looking at me with this look that would melt a heart of stone. He reached up and stroked my face and smiled.
And I cried. Big. Fat. Tears. I apologized to him over and over and over again. I kept apologizing long after he had finally fallen back to sleep.
I am trying to change this little guy's world in the most monumental way. What am I doing? Will I be able to do all the things that he needs if I have another little one(s) to take my attention? What if I do get pregnant with twins? What if I do have to go on bed rest for weeks or months on end?
What a terribly selfish thing to do to him. To them.
So I cried and apologized and felt like crap for even considering doing that to them.
Of course I can rationalize that bringing another member to our family, should I be so lucky, would make life better, not detract from it.
Still, the fear is there. What if I am not enough for more of them? What makes me think I am enough for Sh.awn and Ja.son? There, I said it.
Ouch, where'd that one come from? I think someone needs to work on her confidence. Jeez.
Freaking out is something I definitely do NOT like. Drama is NOT something that I like.
But now, I swear I feel like I am the biggest drama queen in the entire world. All I do is wallow in drama all day long.
Am I?
Yes?
No?
All day long! It is tiring.
I laugh out loud when I read your comments. Is.aac looks at me like I am crazy and wants to know what is so funny. I just tell him that I really love the people who comment on my blog. They are the best! He just rolls his eyes at me and goes back to playing online poker. He doesn't get it. Men!
I should tell him that I am totally losing my shit on the inside. Good Lord, what if I am pregnant?
I had this moment last night when I just cried and cried and cried. Sh.awn has been waking up screaming at about 10 pm every night. I am not sure if it is nightmares or teeth or what, but Ja.son had a similar period of doing this, so I am rolling with it. Anyway, he is inconsolable when this happens, so I've been picking him up and taking him to the living room to rock him and comfort him until he relaxes enough to go back to sleep. He was lying there in my arms and looking at me with this look that would melt a heart of stone. He reached up and stroked my face and smiled.
And I cried. Big. Fat. Tears. I apologized to him over and over and over again. I kept apologizing long after he had finally fallen back to sleep.
I am trying to change this little guy's world in the most monumental way. What am I doing? Will I be able to do all the things that he needs if I have another little one(s) to take my attention? What if I do get pregnant with twins? What if I do have to go on bed rest for weeks or months on end?
What a terribly selfish thing to do to him. To them.
So I cried and apologized and felt like crap for even considering doing that to them.
Of course I can rationalize that bringing another member to our family, should I be so lucky, would make life better, not detract from it.
Still, the fear is there. What if I am not enough for more of them? What makes me think I am enough for Sh.awn and Ja.son? There, I said it.
Ouch, where'd that one come from? I think someone needs to work on her confidence. Jeez.
See what I mean about drama? Bleh.
---
I can't test today because I am all out of hpts. That might be a blessing in disguise. I swear those things are evil.
My mom is coming over to watch the boys for a bit. I am going to go have lunch with a few girlfriends. I think I need some girlfriend therapy. :-)
I will resist the urge to stop by the drug store to grab more tests on the way home. This will be tough. The spirit is strong, but the flesh is so, so, weak...
Monday, July 13, 2009
Well...Hell. *Updated Again*
10dpo
Today's line was nonexistent. Nothing. Bare. Stark White. On fmu. Wonderful.
I even made Is.aac recheck yesterday's to validate that I wasn't going crazy. Yes, there was a faint line.
So, either I picked up a tiny bit of trigger on last night's test or something was happening and now it isn't.
Either way...hell.
I should have waited until beta.
*Updated to add:
WTF? There was a faint line when I pulled the sucker out of the trash a while later. Way to fuck with me, huh? Just keep them coming, universe. I can take it.
I think.
According to my obsessive compulsive number crunching, and assuming my math is correct, if I followed the expected half life of hcg I should have had only 4.5 mIU/ml in my system yesterday. Today should be less than 2.25 mIU/ml. Maybe it was trigger yesterday? Oh, I don't know.
I think I am pregnant. But maybe my mind is fucking with me?
I went to get my E2 and progesterone checked. I'll update when I get the info. Thanks for the encouragement everyone.
I.have.lost.my.mind.
**Updated again to add:
E2 - 711 (they look for anything over 150)
Progesterone - 86 (they want it to be over 30)
Beta in 4 days.
At least that looks good.
---
At 10dpo on the cycle that gave me my boys, I wrote this:
Today's line was nonexistent. Nothing. Bare. Stark White. On fmu. Wonderful.
I even made Is.aac recheck yesterday's to validate that I wasn't going crazy. Yes, there was a faint line.
So, either I picked up a tiny bit of trigger on last night's test or something was happening and now it isn't.
Either way...hell.
I should have waited until beta.
*Updated to add:
WTF? There was a faint line when I pulled the sucker out of the trash a while later. Way to fuck with me, huh? Just keep them coming, universe. I can take it.
I think.
According to my obsessive compulsive number crunching, and assuming my math is correct, if I followed the expected half life of hcg I should have had only 4.5 mIU/ml in my system yesterday. Today should be less than 2.25 mIU/ml. Maybe it was trigger yesterday? Oh, I don't know.
I think I am pregnant. But maybe my mind is fucking with me?
I went to get my E2 and progesterone checked. I'll update when I get the info. Thanks for the encouragement everyone.
I.have.lost.my.mind.
**Updated again to add:
E2 - 711 (they look for anything over 150)
Progesterone - 86 (they want it to be over 30)
Beta in 4 days.
At least that looks good.
---
At 10dpo on the cycle that gave me my boys, I wrote this:
I went in for my progesterone and estrogen check today. My progesterone level was 34 (above 30 is what they want to see) and my estrogen was 400 (they look for above 150). "All looks good," said nurse Michelle. I am to stay on the same meds and wait for my beta next week. 6 days from now. A lifetime away.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I Lied...
...because I caved.
It's faint, but it's there.
And it wasn't this morning. (see, I told you I got all neurotic about this stuff)
Now we wait to see which way it goes--darker or lighter.
Progesterone and estrogen check tomorrow.
It's faint, but it's there.
And it wasn't this morning. (see, I told you I got all neurotic about this stuff)
Now we wait to see which way it goes--darker or lighter.
Progesterone and estrogen check tomorrow.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
8dpo
I am hoping the tugging is a good sign. It sort of stopped shortly after I posted except for the occasional twinge in the same place every so often. Hm. Just had another right now, probably because I am thinking about it. I did have a similar sensation with the boys, so I am keeping fingers crossed without going too overboard with excitement. (Eden, you made me laugh out loud!)
I just sent Is.aac out to get some Szechwan Shrimp, french fries, and a hot fudge sundae with chocolate ice cream and brownie chunks. I HAVE to have them. It is way too early for any type of cravings if this thing worked, but I HAVE to have them anyway. :-) I figure I'll go with it.
Symptoms you ask? Well, even if you didn't ask, I'mma gonna tell you.
*sore boobs
*craving funky combinations of food
*sore ass (well, I am sure that is not a symptom, but I have it)
*went to bed at 10:30pm last night and didn't get up until 9:00am and could go back to bed right now if I let myself.
*dude, I have a pooch! I think I might have bloated up a bit or a lot over the last two days! I was actually self conscious with the way my shirt looked around my middle yesterday.
Yes, all of that could be explained by the meds...still, you never know at this point.
I am hoping the tugging is a good sign. It sort of stopped shortly after I posted except for the occasional twinge in the same place every so often. Hm. Just had another right now, probably because I am thinking about it. I did have a similar sensation with the boys, so I am keeping fingers crossed without going too overboard with excitement. (Eden, you made me laugh out loud!)
I just sent Is.aac out to get some Szechwan Shrimp, french fries, and a hot fudge sundae with chocolate ice cream and brownie chunks. I HAVE to have them. It is way too early for any type of cravings if this thing worked, but I HAVE to have them anyway. :-) I figure I'll go with it.
Symptoms you ask? Well, even if you didn't ask, I'mma gonna tell you.
*sore boobs
*craving funky combinations of food
*sore ass (well, I am sure that is not a symptom, but I have it)
*went to bed at 10:30pm last night and didn't get up until 9:00am and could go back to bed right now if I let myself.
*dude, I have a pooch! I think I might have bloated up a bit or a lot over the last two days! I was actually self conscious with the way my shirt looked around my middle yesterday.
Yes, all of that could be explained by the meds...still, you never know at this point.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
You Are Too Kind
Thank you so much for the sweet words and good wishes! I really do appreciate it all. When my confidence is feeling shaky, which is far more often than I'd care to admit, your words lift me up and remind me that I must keep that hope close to my heart. She is there, that hope, but sometimes she plays games of hide and seek. Not very nice of her, is it?
I've been as good as I can be since the transfer, but I have to say the whole "don't lift anything over 5 pounds" and "lay around as much as possible for the next 3 days" rapidly flew out the window. There is the matter of no one walking effectively yet and cribs/high chairs to get into that makes picking the boys up a must. Plus, I think the boys must know something is up because I swear they have been at their clingiest. I've tried explaining that I am trying to give them a sibling or two here so they need to relax some, but they don't seem to listen!
I am not deterred, however. I figure "normal" people go about their regular business in life everyday and they still manage to get and stay pregnant, so maybe I should be able to catch that same break, too. I think I am due for a break, right?
My ass is sore. If/when I find out this pregnancy stuck, I will only have somewhere around 66 more ass shots to contend with. I can do that. My butt will protest, but I can do it.
I do go in for blood work on the 13th for them to check estrogen and progesterone levels. After that, if I can help myself, I don't think I'll test until the beta day. I turn into a whole different person when I start to obsess about two lines and other craziness. Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. :-)
---
Now, I must go back to trying to fix Ja.son's glasses. We've made it 9 months without a pair breaking. Today, I made the mistake of going to the bathroom and came back to Sh.awn holding an arm of Ja.son's glasses in his hands while Ja.son held the lenses and the rest of the frames in his hands. They broke them at the spring hinge, so I'm going to have to buy new frames. We tried and tried to fix them (we're talking for hours) to no avail, so I am off to dork the poor boy up and tape the suckers together for him. He has to have his glasses. I've arranged for my mom to watch Sh.awn tomorrow so I can take Ja.son to get new frames. Sigh.
I've been as good as I can be since the transfer, but I have to say the whole "don't lift anything over 5 pounds" and "lay around as much as possible for the next 3 days" rapidly flew out the window. There is the matter of no one walking effectively yet and cribs/high chairs to get into that makes picking the boys up a must. Plus, I think the boys must know something is up because I swear they have been at their clingiest. I've tried explaining that I am trying to give them a sibling or two here so they need to relax some, but they don't seem to listen!
I am not deterred, however. I figure "normal" people go about their regular business in life everyday and they still manage to get and stay pregnant, so maybe I should be able to catch that same break, too. I think I am due for a break, right?
My ass is sore. If/when I find out this pregnancy stuck, I will only have somewhere around 66 more ass shots to contend with. I can do that. My butt will protest, but I can do it.
I do go in for blood work on the 13th for them to check estrogen and progesterone levels. After that, if I can help myself, I don't think I'll test until the beta day. I turn into a whole different person when I start to obsess about two lines and other craziness. Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. :-)
---
Now, I must go back to trying to fix Ja.son's glasses. We've made it 9 months without a pair breaking. Today, I made the mistake of going to the bathroom and came back to Sh.awn holding an arm of Ja.son's glasses in his hands while Ja.son held the lenses and the rest of the frames in his hands. They broke them at the spring hinge, so I'm going to have to buy new frames. We tried and tried to fix them (we're talking for hours) to no avail, so I am off to dork the poor boy up and tape the suckers together for him. He has to have his glasses. I've arranged for my mom to watch Sh.awn tomorrow so I can take Ja.son to get new frames. Sigh.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
PUPO
This picture says it all...Home Sweet Home little ones. Hope you stick around for say another 35 weeks or so. :-) We transferred two expanding blasts--1 grade AAB and 1 grade ABA (don't know exactly what all that means except I was assured they were top quality)
The transfer was the easiest one yet, literally taking just minutes. I have pictures of my little embies and the amazing shot of them being transferred into the old uterus that I think I'll post later.
Payed for freezing, too. If you can believe this, I think there may be up to 4!!! to freeze by tomorrow, all pretty good quality as well. I don't know why this cycle has been so different from the last three, but it amazes me. Talk about night and day!
And that little thing called hope?
She's arrived.
Beta on the 17th.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Oooh, An Award!
Thanks to the lovely Bree, for giving me an award! If you haven't stopped by her blog, Project Kjetil, now is the perfect time--she's newly pregnant after 10 iuis! I am so happy for her and her partner! :-)
For the Kreativ Blogger award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.
Now for the 7 things I love:
For the Kreativ Blogger award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.Now for the 7 things I love:
- My little family.
- Hearing my boys' belly laughs.
- Taking pictures of the beautiful things around me.
- My job and its perk of a nice, long summer break.
- Eating smores on a summer's night.
- Getting a great deal on something.
- Being surrounded by wonderful people. (that includes you)
7 blogs I love:
- edenland - Eden is amazing in so many ways! Her writing is raw and honest, and no matter what, you'll think about what she says long after you've read a post.
- Role Playing with Kids - K is hilarious and always makes me laugh--even on my darkest days. She's my idol right now because she's managed to stay sane (mostly) while being a SAHM to 2 sets of twins and 5 kids under the age of 5 1/2! K, I'm not worthy!
- Dragondreamer's Lair - Kristin is the epitome of a Kreativ Blogger. She is the Jane of all trades crafty for sure!
- Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random - Beautiful Mess has a heart of gold and is always supportive of everyone. I love her for that!
- Kerry Lynn - Kerry Lynn's blog chronicles her life with her twins through the most beautiful pictures. I so wish she lived closer to me...I would love to have her photograph the boys.
- Mission: Impossible (or adventures in infertility, pregnancy….parenting?) - Geohde is yet another twin mom. (wonder why I ready so many of those?) She is hilarious and another must read. Um, I should probably be a better commenter, but I always read!
- Mommy Wants Vodka - Becky chronicles her life daily on her blog, which in itself is a feat that is awe inspiring. Couple that with a wicked sense of humor and a talent for telling a damn good story and you've got yourself a blog at the top of my must read list!
- I wish I could give this to all you you and list you all--forget that, just look at the blog roll. You all deserve this! :-)
---
Transfer is tomorrow at 10:15. Wish us luck! I'll update when I break free of the Valium induced haze I'll be under (got to love Valium) and let you all know what the final report is on the embies. Oh, and I'll tell you about that little matter of how many we transferred, too.
Thank you for all of the kind words on my last post. You are all wonderful! -K, you made me tear up. :-)
Monday, July 6, 2009
Maybe
I am afraid to even post this, as if doing so will somehow destroy any chance of having this thing end on a positive note. It's a contradiction really. I am by nature a hopeful person when it comes to everyone around me. It freely pours out of me when I think of someone else going through a difficult time. I hope for them. I believe other people will achieve their desires and it will get better for them. Those other people truly deserve happiness.
It is sad how jaded I've become through the last two years. I've seen too much; I've been through too much, so now that things look like they might go in the right direction I am too afraid.
Too afraid to believe for myself.
Too afraid to hope for myself.
I've been there and been burned by so many disappointments, each one leaving yet another black scar on my already tattered heart. Each one making it even more difficult to have faith that good things can come into my life without being coupled with incredible heartache.
Is.aac and I haven't talked about what is going on with this cycle. We discuss the logistics and data behind everything, but we haven't really allowed ourselves to talk about the feelings. We are going through the motions in an effort to protect ourselves from the ugly possibilities. Unfortunately that means we aren't discussing the beautiful possibilities either.
With those talks the hope, faith, and belief need to be embraced, although I don't think I'm strong enough for that just yet. I don't think either of us are strong enough for that yet.
But today? Today the slightest glimmer slipped into my heart where it sits patiently waiting for me to wake up and believe--to trust that good things can happen for my family.
Maybe I can start on Wednesday when I make it to my first five day transfer?
Maybe I can start now that I got an embryology report* that was better than I could have ever thought possible?
Maybe?
---
Embie report: all embryos are at the expected 6-10 cell range for day 3
6 - grade A
3 - grade A-
2 - grade B+
That's a total of 11 embies. They all fertilized, even the one that hadn't when they reported on Saturday (it's a grade B now). They are all where they are expected to be at this time in their development. The embryologist said they were all very pleased.
The RE called and said this was "outstanding" and better than expected.
I'm overwhelmed and speechless. :-)
---
Sorry it took me so long to update. Veri.zon had a major service disruption today and I had zero net for most of the day.
It is sad how jaded I've become through the last two years. I've seen too much; I've been through too much, so now that things look like they might go in the right direction I am too afraid.
Too afraid to believe for myself.
Too afraid to hope for myself.
I've been there and been burned by so many disappointments, each one leaving yet another black scar on my already tattered heart. Each one making it even more difficult to have faith that good things can come into my life without being coupled with incredible heartache.
Is.aac and I haven't talked about what is going on with this cycle. We discuss the logistics and data behind everything, but we haven't really allowed ourselves to talk about the feelings. We are going through the motions in an effort to protect ourselves from the ugly possibilities. Unfortunately that means we aren't discussing the beautiful possibilities either.
With those talks the hope, faith, and belief need to be embraced, although I don't think I'm strong enough for that just yet. I don't think either of us are strong enough for that yet.
But today? Today the slightest glimmer slipped into my heart where it sits patiently waiting for me to wake up and believe--to trust that good things can happen for my family.
Maybe I can start on Wednesday when I make it to my first five day transfer?
Maybe I can start now that I got an embryology report* that was better than I could have ever thought possible?
Maybe?
---
Embie report: all embryos are at the expected 6-10 cell range for day 3
6 - grade A
3 - grade A-
2 - grade B+
That's a total of 11 embies. They all fertilized, even the one that hadn't when they reported on Saturday (it's a grade B now). They are all where they are expected to be at this time in their development. The embryologist said they were all very pleased.
The RE called and said this was "outstanding" and better than expected.
I'm overwhelmed and speechless. :-)
---
Sorry it took me so long to update. Veri.zon had a major service disruption today and I had zero net for most of the day.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Brace yourselves
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10 fertilized!
Holy cow. The RE called me himself to say that he was pleasantly surprised. :-) He said something like "Way to go, young lady!" or something or other. I do like him. He is a very sweet man.
We are anticipating a day 5 transfer on Wednesday. If I make it to that point, it would be my very first, usually they start to peter out at around day 3. Whoot!
I am feeling better, although I still feel like I was hit by a mac truck. Must be getting wimpy in my old age. It didn't help when Ja.son elbowed me in the stomach last night, either. Plus, they gave me my PIO shot in my lower butt area yesterday morning and I can hardly sit today-talk about being sore.
Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone. You are all the best!
Happy 4th of July!
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
.
10 fertilized!
Holy cow. The RE called me himself to say that he was pleasantly surprised. :-) He said something like "Way to go, young lady!" or something or other. I do like him. He is a very sweet man.
We are anticipating a day 5 transfer on Wednesday. If I make it to that point, it would be my very first, usually they start to peter out at around day 3. Whoot!
I am feeling better, although I still feel like I was hit by a mac truck. Must be getting wimpy in my old age. It didn't help when Ja.son elbowed me in the stomach last night, either. Plus, they gave me my PIO shot in my lower butt area yesterday morning and I can hardly sit today-talk about being sore.
Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone. You are all the best!
Happy 4th of July!
Friday, July 3, 2009
11 eggs. I am beyond happy! The RE said there was some endo around little lefty and said I'd spot some. Holy hell am I spotting. "Some" was an understatement. I'm crampy, too. Gross.
Been sleeping the afternoon away and intend to sleep some more. Thanks for all of your good vibes. I think they are working! I'll be back later if I can get my mind out of this fuzzy state.
Hugs!
Been sleeping the afternoon away and intend to sleep some more. Thanks for all of your good vibes. I think they are working! I'll be back later if I can get my mind out of this fuzzy state.
Hugs!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Nerves
The thought of someone sticking a needle up my who ha and "aspirating" things gives me the willies. You'd think I'd be over it by now, especially in light of the fact I've done this three times already, but um...no.
This is my round about way of saying I might have a bit of nerves swirling through my overactive imagination right about now. And fluttering through my stomach. Hell, they are coursing through every ounce of me.
We leave for the RE's in 7 hours. Yikes. I pray all goes well.
Come on eggies, please don't abandon ship before we get there.
This is my round about way of saying I might have a bit of nerves swirling through my overactive imagination right about now. And fluttering through my stomach. Hell, they are coursing through every ounce of me.
We leave for the RE's in 7 hours. Yikes. I pray all goes well.
Come on eggies, please don't abandon ship before we get there.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Day 9 of Stims - Updated
Everything is still as it should be, thankfully, and as of now, I am scheduled to trigger tonight at 11:15 pm. Retrieval is scheduled for Friday at 10:15 am now because they had me with the wrong doctor before. (Glad they caught that sooner rather than later.)
H means homogeneous, or not triple striped. Duh. I knew it wasn't triple striped. Anyway, it can sometimes mean scarring in the uterus, but in my case we've checked for that so he doesn't think it means anything too significant. He also said that there may be a hint of striping today. I am checking that off of my list of things to worry about right now. I've got enough on my plate on any given day, I don't need to add something. I'll leave that to the RE if worrying is warranted.
I have yet to stim today. I am waiting on blood work. He most likely will drop my gonal f to 150 and we're still in the air about whether I do menapur tonight. We shall see.
So, all in all things are progressing as they should be...
Let's hope the trend continues...
---updated to add:
E2 - 2317
P4 - 1.5
Took an afternoon dose of 75 units gonal f and an evening dose of 1 menapur. Interestingly, they changed retrieval time yet again. I trigger tonight at 9:00 pm and go in on Friday for an 8:00 am retrieval. I have to be there by 7:15, which means I have to leave the house no later than 6:45 and drive like hell on the freeway to get there on time.
Have I told you all that I am not a morning person?
Still not sure what is going to happen with the boys with this new wrinkle. We'll probably have to take them with us again and have Is.aac wait in the car with them. I have been wracking my mind trying to remember how long the whole retrieval process takes but can't seem to. Is.aac remembers the whole process from the time he'd leave me to the time they'd come get him to see me afterward as being around 20 minutes. They'd give me crackers and juice, watch me for a bit, and then let me go get dressed. We "think" that it takes about an hour? That would put them out in the parking lot for 2 1/2 hours. (he'll take the stroller and walk around and entertain them while I am in there) Do you think that would be doable?
I so don't want to take the boys into the clinic. We've managed not to so far. I can remember how painful that is.
*Jody, looks like I am with you on the ridiculously early retrieval time!
H means homogeneous, or not triple striped. Duh. I knew it wasn't triple striped. Anyway, it can sometimes mean scarring in the uterus, but in my case we've checked for that so he doesn't think it means anything too significant. He also said that there may be a hint of striping today. I am checking that off of my list of things to worry about right now. I've got enough on my plate on any given day, I don't need to add something. I'll leave that to the RE if worrying is warranted.
I have yet to stim today. I am waiting on blood work. He most likely will drop my gonal f to 150 and we're still in the air about whether I do menapur tonight. We shall see.
So, all in all things are progressing as they should be...
Let's hope the trend continues...
---updated to add:
E2 - 2317
P4 - 1.5
Took an afternoon dose of 75 units gonal f and an evening dose of 1 menapur. Interestingly, they changed retrieval time yet again. I trigger tonight at 9:00 pm and go in on Friday for an 8:00 am retrieval. I have to be there by 7:15, which means I have to leave the house no later than 6:45 and drive like hell on the freeway to get there on time.
Have I told you all that I am not a morning person?
Still not sure what is going to happen with the boys with this new wrinkle. We'll probably have to take them with us again and have Is.aac wait in the car with them. I have been wracking my mind trying to remember how long the whole retrieval process takes but can't seem to. Is.aac remembers the whole process from the time he'd leave me to the time they'd come get him to see me afterward as being around 20 minutes. They'd give me crackers and juice, watch me for a bit, and then let me go get dressed. We "think" that it takes about an hour? That would put them out in the parking lot for 2 1/2 hours. (he'll take the stroller and walk around and entertain them while I am in there) Do you think that would be doable?
I so don't want to take the boys into the clinic. We've managed not to so far. I can remember how painful that is.
*Jody, looks like I am with you on the ridiculously early retrieval time!
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