Sapped

I've been in a funk lately. It's a strange feeling really. It isn't quite that I am angry, although that is there, nor is it just that I am sad because that is there, too. I guess the best way that I can describe it is to say that I just feel heavy. The weight of everything has finally caught up with me. I guess I thought I would feel better now that a plan is in place. But that hasn't done anything but make me feel even more weighted.

It doesn't help that I have been doing our taxes. Once again we are itemizing our deductions for medical expenses. Once again, the number makes me cringe. Once again, we could have bought a nice car and be free and clear on payments. Once again, there is nothing to show for it besides a lot pain and a million full sharps containers.

Sigh.

I am sure you've all read Mel's post titled "Was It Worth It" where she asked if we were given three wishes for our lifetime, would we use one or more of those wishes to have a child "either knowing what else you could do with those wishes or taking that leap of faith that you’ll be able to endure any other shit life tosses at you once all of your wishes are gone."

I left her a comment that day which said this:

I would have made having a child(ren) one of my wishes…even with everything that has gone wrong…even with all that was so hard and so painful…and even though things are not like how I pictured them…it would still be a wish I’d make again and again and again. There is so much that is right, so much that makes me smile and love being a parent even on the hardest and scariest of days.

The question I struggle with now is whether I’d use a second wish to expand our family again. I’ve gone over it so many times that I think the thoughts have worn permanent grooves in my brain, something similar to a well worn hiking path. I think I would. But…I do have to say that there has to be a limit to what I do now. I just can’t keep going forever trying to have another baby when there are more to think about now than just me and my husband.

There is no doubt that I believe with all of my heart that the boys are worth it. I would have done anything to get them, and will continue to do everything in my power to ensure that they grow up to be happy, healthy, productive individuals.

But what about now? Is it worth it now to go through all of this again?

That question continues to haunt me.

Is it worth it? Sure, if we get pregnant and have another child, of course it would be worth it. But...what if?...what if we never get there? What if we do all these treatments, spend all this money we barely have, and in the end there is nothing to show for it?

I always knew when we were trying for the boys we'd have children. I always believed...

Now, my core has been shaken.

I am struggling to find my faith that we will get there again.

That last tiny bit of strength that kept me going onward and forward has been sapped. Now the weight of it all just seems so overwhelming...

I hate feeling like this.

I hope this is just a phase.

I hope even more that it passes quickly.

Sigh.

Friday Photo Challenge: STRENGTH

To me, nothing screams "strength" more than this picture of my little Sh.awn standing at the window.

He is determined and stubborn.

He's happy and funny.

Most of all, he's a wonderful little boy who fights for everything he does with everything he's got.

If that is not strength, I don't know what is.

Check out more at photos depicting this theme of "Strength" at Destined to Be An Old Woman. Better yet, be a participant yourself!

So.

It was an interesting meeting.

Where to start? Oh yeah. Let's start at the whole "WTF? Why am I not pregnant?" question.

The short answer is we just don't know.

The long answer, which is considerably more palatable to a type A personality like myself is:

As he sees it, there are several areas of concern.

• First, I am having more pain before AF starts now compared to what I experienced pre-boys. There are some months I have pain for an entire week before bleeding actually begins. This does not make me a happy camper to say the least. This is a problem because in his experience, a majority of patients see a reduction in pain after a successful pregnancy.
• A second area of concern is that when I had my last retrieval in July, he found several chocolate cysts on my right ovary. On subsequent scans, I still have at least two more lingering cysts. The cysts are non-estrogen producing and continue to grow. His theory is that said cysts will also be of the chocolate variety.
• Area of concern numero tres is that there was slow spillage of my left tube. Couple that with the post op notes describing my tube being fused to my BOWEL and some UNKNOWN LOCATION! and all signs are pointing to an endometriosis issue. (He was quick to say that he does not think my tubes are leaking back into my uterus and preventing implantation problems. He just thinks that it is something we should investigate further just to be positive all is okay.)
• The fourth area of concern is my homogenous lining (pre-boys it was consistently triple striped). The thickness of my lining is excellent, and having homogenous lining in and of itself isn't really an issue. The issue that he wants to investigate is the change from triple striped to homogenous. (This can also simply be from a change in the position of my uterus post delivery--something about the change of view from the ultrasound wand.)

That leads him to want to do a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy before we do another cycle. Oh fun! There is endometriosis, but we aren't sure just how much. He figures while we are at it, he'd do the hysteroscopy just to rule things out with my uterus/cervix.

Frankly, I am okay with this. I would rather be safe than sorry. If this could potentially find something we can fix, I'd be ecstatic. If it does nothing more than rule things out, I am okay with that, too.

After that, the next option is really up to us. Theoretically, should all be found (or most likely made) sound with my girly bits, he thinks it wouldn't be unreasonable to try IUI's again. (GASP!)

Should he find issues with my girly bits we can't fix, at least we'd know that IVF was the way to go and no time would be wasted with other therapies.

And although we'd probably just go ahead and do another IVF route rather than IUI's, it would be nice to know that my body was in the best shape possible before we tried again.

He did bring up quite a few of the positive things we have going for us.

• He said for someone who had a higher than wanted FSH number, I really responded more like the average for my age groups (those without higher than wanted FSH numbers).
• My blasts looked really good in July when I had my last fresh cycle--with 50% of my embies making it to blast stage for transfer and the freezer!
• All of my blasts made it through the thaw in excellent to good condition (one of which made it through 2 freezes and thaws).
• I am still young (isn't he sweet)
• Is.aac's sperm count is great

I have already contacted my OBGYN to get the referral for the lap/hysteroscopy. They will probably label the procedure for pain rather than for fertility, just to ensure that it is covered. It is still unclear which of the doctors would actually do the procedures (OB or RE or together) and when it would be. We left on the note that we'd do it as soon as we could get it cleared through insurance. Once my girly bits are cleared for take off, we'd start the next cycle, probably April-ish.

So...

I guess there I go.

Oh, I did ask about the spotting. Did he think it was an actual UTI (the culture came back clear on the sample they sent out!) or implantation. He just didn't know nor did he make any guesses. He added it to my chart though.

But if it was implantation, why did I NEVER get a positive pee stick?

Sigh.

I haven't decided which is worse: to get a positive and have it declared a chemical or just to never get the positive.

I think it is a damn crappy tie.

---

Can you believe this is my 700th post?

Tomorrow is our follow-up appointment with the RE. I have loads of questions for him--he's such a lucky guy to have me as his patient. (yes that is sarcasm) I'm also going to have him go back to July and walk us through each cycle we've had since then, including the miscarriage.

It ought to be fun.

Sigh.

Wish us luck.

No surprise. Negative. I expected it. I just didn't feel pregnant.

I just wish it didn't hurt so bad to hear those stupid words.

I am off to go cry a little. Or a lot.

Be back later.

"The die is cast." Now I wait... Sigh.

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Sh.awn's Day

Two years ago, January 25th was a Friday. It was a day I will never forget. It was the day our little Sh.awn Bon finally came home from the NICU.

Here we are right after discharge. Sh.awn's last day in the NICU!

Getting closer to home...in his car seat for the first time!

The first time in his bedroom!

Sh.awny's first time meeting Gracie. Now he likes to call to her himself!

Happy Gotcha Day, Sh.awny. Mommy and daddy love you so much and are so thankful you are in our lives!

At about 11:30 last night, Ja.son woke up and was talking/acting like normal. He told me his head was okay and his tummy was okay. (thank goodness the boy can talk!) We kept him up for about a half an hour before we went to bed. We took him to bed with us. He slept fairly well; we did not.

He woke up this morning hungry and acting like his usual self...well, with one exception. He has not taken his finger out of his mouth since the moment he woke up.

Now, I am hoping with all I've got that whatever happened was just some sort of fluke, never to be seen from again. Perhaps it has something to do with the obvious teething signs we are seeing today. But I have to say that I lost another 5 years (at least) from my life span last night.

Man.

It didn't help that I kept flashing back to the last time Sh.awn had his shunt malfunction--you know, with all the spotting and extra stress and ultimate miscarriage that went along with it.

I am going to stay in the moment. Right now things are okay with him. So right now, I am feeling better about this being some mundane "regular" kid thing.

Sigh. I am tired.

Thank you so much for all the support, everyone. It does truly help get me through these rough patches.

Ja.son told us his head hurt and then threw up. A lot. After not eating dinner.

He's lying here sleeping next to me on the couch and I am...I am beyond freaked.

In fact I am on the verge of tears.

I just keep thinking not him, too. Please. Please, please, please. Not him, too.

Please.

Rock-A-Bye Embie?

Did you happen to catch this article on MSN? 77% pregnancy rate in mice IVFs just due to rocking the embryo while culturing it?!

Sign my embies up. Apparently they can take the extra help.

You can bet my ass is going to be in a rocking chair next transfer--just in case.

7dp6dt = negative

Didn't even bother to test today.

Beta on Monday (17dpo). They don't do betas on the weekends. Fuckers.

ANYWAY, remind me to tell you about Is.aac's prophecy dreams..

Mostly Wordless Wednesday - Our New Table

Look at what Santa brought us!

We love our new table! We like to color and have puzzle time every day.

See Shawny's beautiful artwork?

Jason's so good, he uses TWO hands to color!

Just look at that concentration!

Man, they are good! Look out Picasso, my boys are going to give you a run for your money. :-)

Blah, Blah, Blah...

Second verse, same as the first.

6dp6dt is snow white.

Fucker.

You'll be happy to know that my E2 is a wonderful 640 (looking for > 100) and P4 is 43.5 (want it > 35). It's not like it does me any good, though.

No word on the UTI. I finished the antibiotics they gave me so we shall see if the symptoms return before the damn results do.

Sigh.

Okay. I lied. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood.

The One Where I Say "Fuck" A Lot

Let me just start by warning you. If you're not too interested in reading a whole lot of fucks, go visit Neenie to wish her a speedy recovery from her surgery and come back tomorrow. I'll try to be in better spirits...

---

Today I am all kinds of angry.

I should be 30 weeks pregnant right now. I should be happy and hugely relieved that I had passed the boys' gestation. I should be gearing up for the last bit of pregnancy before I meet my little one. I should be excited and anxious with anticipation!


Or at the very least I should be 14 weeks right now, pregnant from two top-notch blasts that gave me a 40-50% chance at success. Woohoo! Things just worked out perfectly; it was meant to be!


What I should not have to be doing is peeing on a stupid stick, going crazy because it does nothing but show me a single mocking line of red. 5dp6dt and it was fucking negative. Fuckity Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.


Sure there is hope. It's early. Blah, blah, blah.


I'm getting the sinking feeling that it won't matter how long I wait. That second line isn't going to come.


Damn it. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It pisses me off that I have to continue to do this to myself (and our family) over and over again just to do something that is so fucking easy for others.


Say this cycle fails. I have to take yet another month off because my E2 will probably be way too high to start when AF arrives.


That takes us to March. Another fresh cycle. Another giant wad of cash spent on just a chance... and NO, I don't have insurance that covers IVF.


All that boils down to in my mind is that I have at least two months of more waiting. I am exhausted from all the fucking waiting.


---


It didn't help that when I went for my E2 and P4 midpoint check today, they hadn't even pulled my chart or written up a lab slip. It was like it didn't even matter to them whether or not this cycle got me pregnant.


It was just another omen of impending doom.

Yesterday I got the news that the wife of one of Is.aac's cousins is pregnant. She is my age and was out telling everyone with ears that they were pregnant while the pee was still wet on the stick. It made me so sad to hear. I couldn't even manage to muster up even a tiny bit of happiness for them.

Which is freaking awful.

This couple has a fourteen year old son and professed over and over again that they'd never have another one. She isn't the healthiest of things, so it never occurred to me that they'd try to get pregnant. But try they did. A whopping total of four fucking months.

And now she's pregnant.

Then there's us...

3 medicated IUIs, 3 IVFs, 11 mature follicles (for the IUI's) and 11 transferred embryos gave us the boys. Yay. Happiness! Selfish me, however, wants more...

1 IVF, 2 FET's, and 7 BLASTS later and what?

I'll tell you what.

A snow white fucking pee stick at 4dp6dt.

Bitter much?

Hell yes.

WTF?

Okay. Something is up. I know it is. But the damn urine analysis found NOTHING but traces of blood probably from yesterday's spotting. Holy hell. I am going crazy.

They are of course sending the sample out for culture which will take three days to get back. AND, they took pity on my poor soul and called in a script for some antibiotic I had never heard of before (it totally better not be some placebo or I will DIE).

I am tired, though. I know that has to be related to the progesterone. The have me taking 2ccs of PIO a night. Not only is my ass suffering, but I think it is making me so sluggish during the day that I am not even functioning! I may call them today to see if I can lower the dosage. For FET #1 take 2, I was on 2ccs of PIO and my progesterone came back at like 96. Me thinks I should be able to lower my dosage without too many worries.

No cramping per say that makes me think that things are happening down below. No stabbing whatsoever either. The only thing that I can describe is an off and on burning/pulling sensation in my lower right groin area. (I have it right now, but most likely that is because I am writing about it and I am insane like that.) Well, there is that junk and the whatever you want to call yesterday's bleeding episode, too.

I have been good so far--it is 9dpo and I HAVE NOT TESTED!

yet

Another One of Those Days

Okay. Today has been one of those days. I woke up this morning with an increased urgency to go to the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it. I've been drinking insane amounts of water, so it makes sense that I'd have to pee more. At about 11:00, the burning started, so I knew I must have an UTI as a little souvenir of Thursday's transfer. I called the clinic hoping they could see me today or at least call in a script for antibiotics to help give me some relief (no, I go in tomorrow-boo).

AND THEN, the spotting started.

Holy hell did that get my attention!

TMI ahead...

The first time it happened, I was actually excited. Whoot! Implantation bleeding. It was a tiny bit of pink after I wiped. But then it happened again, and again, and again, and again. There was never enough to make it to my pantyliner, it was only when I wiped, and the color changed from that pink to a more rusty, watery brick color, but still. It freaked me.

I have drowned myself in water and cranberry juice today. I am starting to feel a bit better. (isn't that always the way? they'll probably think that I am some coo coo for saying I have a UTI anyway)

Sigh.

Needless to say, now I am now going crazy. I hate for anything different to happen--for me different always equals bad. Blah.

I have no idea if this was implantation bleeding (which I had with two of my pregnancies) or just the stupid UTI, if that is what I actually have. If it was the UTI, would the spotting continue until I got treatment? In my case, the spotting stopped long before I was able to do anything much more than drink a bit of water.

What do you guys think?

Hurdle #4

And so it begins. Those little doubts that I will again be disappointed and filled with sadness in a week have crept into my mind. No matter how hard I try to push them out, they stay taunting and terrorizing my thoughts.

I have been feeling a lot of...burning is the best way to describe it in my lower right groin. There is an occasional cramp, but not much. That scares me.

With the other pregnancies, I felt a distinct stabbing pain that was strong enough to stop me in my tracks. I felt that pain every. single. time.

I'm waiting for that.

It makes me freak the fuck out that I haven't felt it.

Please let me feel it soon, so my mind can calm some.

I hate this part of things. I hate waiting for this tortuous amount of time to see if I have jumped hurdle #4. It sucks big time.

I am off to a friend's house today to have lunch and take my mind off things. Here's hoping I come back with a renewed energy.

I am also going to be looking for one of those butterflies!

As Is Tradition...

The post transfer belly shot..."We Love U Babies!" with three little butterflies flying around...

The belly looks pretty darn good for having twins, no?

• There is a Native American legend that says, " If you have a secret wish, capture a butterfly and whisper your wish to it. Since butterflies cannot speak, your secret is ever safe in their keeping. Release the butterfly, and it will carry your wish to the Great Spirit, who alone knows the thoughts of butterflies. By setting the butterfly free, you are helping to restore the balance of nature, and your wish will surely be granted." (from Wiki.Answers)
• In some cultures the butterfly is also considered to bring luck.
• The Butterfly represents transformation and is a symbol of metamorphosis. They are symbols of creativity and freedom and bring the gift of soul evolution. The Butterfly teaches the never-ending cycle of self-transformation. The Butterfly reminds us to stay in the moment and signals that you are ready to undergo some sort of transformation.

Just a quick update because I am still floating on the 2 Valium they gave me before transfer. All three blasts are now on board the mother ship (me - ha!), hopefully finding a nice place to settle in for a long stay. Things looked good with the blasts, too. whew!

Now the wait is on...

Tomorrow's the Transfer!

Just got a call from the RE. He advises us to transfer all three blasts, assuming they all make it through the thaw. I was leaning toward that anyway, so it just affirmed what I had been thinking.

He also said that these blasts are of slightly lesser quality than the two blasts we transferred last cycle. (although he did say that they were very conservative on what they consider "good enough" for freeze, so it wasn't like we were wasting our time or anything) The embryologist will review their grades, etc. tomorrow before the transfer.

Oh, and we've been moved up to 9:00 am. If you would, please send sticky blast vibes my way at around that time tomorrow. Hell, I wouldn't mind you sending sticky blast vibes my way until my beta and beyond!

I hope I can make it over hurdle #3 tomorrow. Damn, that thawing business is scary for me!

I am excited.

I am nervous.

I am afraid of the what ifs, and no matter how hard I try to block them, they rear their ugly heads. I just know too much now.

But, I am hopeful...

always hopeful.

I finally got my embryologist report on my snow babies. It looks like we still have three blasts left. The blast we didn't use for the last FET was refrozen! That has to mean something right? They only freeze good quality blasts, so...

Well, it makes me excited nonetheless. :-)

2 days until transfer. Whoot!

Whew!

Went for my scan and blood work today. I was pretty sure things were going to be cancelled after the scan. They could only find 2 of the 3 follies/cysts on the scan this morning. Coupling that with the fact that the two there are both around 30mm, they were pretty sure I had ovulated the one they couldn't find.

You know me and my overachiever body. Sigh.

But, thankfully, the blood work looked good and I am still on! Whoot! I start progesterone tonight. I am scheduled for transfer at 10:15 on Thursday.

We jumped hurdles #1 (day three bloods and scan) and #2 (stayed suppressed enough to get to transfer). Hurdle #3 is that the blasts survive the thaw. (oh please, oh please!)

Fingers crossed that this is going to be the sticky one (or two)!

For my memory:

Lining - 11H
E2 - 787
P4 - less than 1.0

Struggle and Growth

A slogan I like to use at work is, "Struggle makes you grow, especially when you have support." My students hate secretly love this saying of course, because I tend to bring it out at the first hint of moaning and groaning after a new assignment. They never want to do anything that taxes their brains even the tiniest bit. Just uttering those words aloud is a gentle reminder that I know the assignment is challenging, but I know they can do it, and I am there to help if need be. (Most often, they don't actually need my help to do the assignment once they really look at what they are asked to do.)

In my opinion, we all need to struggle a bit to make ourselves stronger. It is the struggle that pushes us to be and do better.

My life has been full of struggle over the last few years. While it would be nice to wish many of the obstacles I've faced were simply a figment of an over active mind, they are not; and I am trying to make some peace with that. Yes, this peace is slow in coming. Yes, it feels like every couple of steps forward I take in this process are met with at least one step backwards (often two or three). Still, many days I feel like I have managed to stand on the top of the shit pile as my own version of Queen of the Mountain. And, I am stronger! But some days, and thankfully they are fewer and farther between, I feel like I will be forever stuck in a valley.

These struggles are the events that have shaped me into the person I am today. Sure there are now some negative aspects to my personality that would certainly not be a part of me today had I not experienced what I did (like my ability to see that the world is not always roses and sunshine-I miss that). Yet I think that for the most part I have become a better person by the hand I've been dealt. The struggles have made me grow...

• I am less judgemental.
• I think before I speak.
• I am able to put myself in other people's shoes.
• I try to celebrate successes (no matter how small) and focus on the positives.
• I am assertive when it comes to important things for myself and my family.
• I fully understand how lucky I am and how more difficult our lives could be.
• I know that things will not defeat me--even when I think I can take nothing more, I still manage to pull myself up and move on.
• I think (hope) I am doing a pretty good job parenting my children.

I also apply the idea of struggle when it comes to working with the boys. (I am talking about allowing them to struggle when it comes to physical aspects because both are weak on motor skills. It's not like I make them spar for food or something!) One of the things that drives me absolutely crazy is how people will rush to the boys' aid, especially Sh.awn's, the moment they look like there is the slightest hint that they are struggling. This phenomenon is even more evident while we have family here visiting. No one wants to see the boys work too hard at things--not even the tiniest bit--partly I suppose because they have been through so much.

Sh.awn in particular is a pretty savvy kid, so he fully understands that if he grunts or cries in frustration, someone will probably run to his rescue. The level of help Sh.awn receives after his cries often depends on who offers the aid. If it is me, I tend to take a more hands off approach and give lots of praise and encouragement if at all possible. Is.aac, on the other hand, is more at the opposite end of the help spectrum. Hearing Sh.awn fuss brings Is.aac to his knees, so he tends to do everything in his power to make it all better and please his little man. My mom's response falls somewhere in between Is.aac and myself. She wants to help Sh.awn when he is unable to do something right away but holds back out of respect for me.

I attribute the incredible gains the boys are making to my allowing them to work through their frustrations. I am there, but I try to not interfere unless it is obvious that help is needed and even then I assist them as minimally as possible.

The struggles have made them grow, too. :-)

• Sh.awn is using his right hand more and more. He is pulling up now and grabs our hands to walk all.the.time. He is just about to master the regular crawl and kiss the army crawl goodbye.
• Ja.son is mastering skills in therapy that are above his actual age.
• The vocabulary and talking explosion that is happening daily around this house blows my mind.
• They are funny and bright and so much fun!

My family is thriving despite the struggles. We were beat down, but we are not broken. We are stronger because of them, and that is pretty damn awesome. (if I do say so myself!)

---

I am sure you've heard that it is delurking week by now. (Is that "National Delurking Week" or just plain "Delurking Week"?) Anyway, I'd love to hear who is out there, how you found me, and maybe how long you've been here. Please? Pretty please?

It would make me feel less like I am some nutso who talks to herself if you do...

The Ramblings of a Tired Mind

In bullets...

• My grandmother, my mom's mom, called us about an hour before she was about to get on a train to come to California to see us. From Arizona. With no warning. Um, yeah.
• We picked up my grandmother from the train station to find an aunt, my dad's sister, and her three kids literally sitting on our door step waiting for us. With no warning, they had decided to come visit. From a different part of Arizona. Um, double yeah.
• We celebrated my brother's birthday yesterday. Everything I got him was either too small or for some freaking reason had stopped working. I had to take everything back and exchange it today.
• My boys haven't napped in four days. I am going crazy. They are going crazy. Mostly, I am going crazy.
• Today is my last day of vacation and I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to...I like this SAHM stuff. (if they'd nap!)
• I have a big staff training to do tomorrow. I am not exactly prepared. See bullets one and two above.
• Ja.son's $1300 orthotics were approved by the insurance and no one had to be yelled at in the process. :-)
• Called the orthoticist (is that what he's called?) to schedule an appointment only to find that he is out for the week and maybe next due to illness.
• I am cancelling the appointment we have with the neurologist this week. I just want Ja.son to walk into that place, which he can't do until we get his orthotics. I need to have things "normal" for once. To me, walking into a doctor's appointment is amazingly normal. (still working on them learning to flip the bird)
• Sh.awn hasn't thrown up since New Year's Eve. That one vomit episode has truly shaken me. I try to pretend that it hasn't.
• I try even harder to not think about what that vomit could mean.
• I am failing at that.
• Miserably.
• I had my scan and blood work today. My two cysts have grown slightly. I have a follie that is measuring 10x12 on the right side, too. E2 was 419. Lining was 8H. Del.estrogen was increased to .25 for Monday and Thursday. My next scan/blood work is on Saturday. I'll start progesterone shots Saturday night. We are still on for the 14th.
• I calculated what we spent on medical bills in 2009. It made me cry. All that money for nothing...
• While I was at the RE's this morning, another woman in the waiting room was wearing a sweatshirt that had the name of the hospital Sh.awn goes to for his surgeries on it. It made my head hurt to look at it, but I couldn't look anywhere else.
• Bleh.
• Is.aac and I have been arguing about stupid stuff. I am sure it is stress driven. It still hurts no matter what the cause. I wish I could get us to stop.
• Maybe I'm depressed???
• I've been working on converting a spare bedroom (the crap collector) into a playroom for the boys. I am trying to get my living room back. I am almost done. I have done it all myself. The kicker is that all of the crap in the room is Is.aac's.
• I feel the need to purge like crazy. Everything.must.be.cleaned. I just need a few more hours in the day, so I can do it all. I am killing myself trying.
• I have a post for the new year, but can't seem to get it finished. I've worked on it three different times already. WTF?

There's more. I'll spare you the torture of having to read more. What is here is just the tip of the ice berg. Sigh.

I'll move on to more upbeat topics next time.

Happy New Year All!

This is just a quick little note today. We are off to visit two people who surprised us and showed up on my mom's doorstep today--my maternal grandmother and my paternal aunt and her three kids. This is going to be one of those days, I bet.

Plus, I am trying as hard as I can not to think about the fact that Sh.awn threw up last night. No fever. No fuss. Until he threw up. He was fine again right after. Now, I am just this far from total freak out. Kids throw up. I mean it doesn't always have to mean the worst. But...

Let's just say that I struggled to sleep last night.

Ugh.

I have a better post than this to finish. Hopefully you'll have something more upbeat to read later this evening. Bleh. Debbie downer strikes again.