There's a lot going on in my head as usual. I tend to go quiet when that happens. I suppose that partly explains why I've had difficulty writing in this space. I need this space, though. I need to allow myself to get it out without having all of the answers! Easier said than done. :-/
So.
We think the show (on that program with two numbers that add to forty) will air this week. (It's been postponed twice now.) It would make sense, as on Wednesday they will declare whether there will be a retrial. The defense team seems to think there will be another trial. The DA has said as much, but nothing has yet been done formally.
Obviously I am hoping there will be some sort of plea deal.
I suspect that there won't be.
That possibility brings out a whole host of emotions, none of which are good. I feel for everyone...
Sigh.
Apparently, from what we can find, most staffs tend to break apart after a sh.o.ot.ing at a school. We are unique in that we have had only three teachers leave to other schools (none voluntarily - staff reduction at our school) and four teachers leave because of retirement or disability. Everyone else has wanted to stay. Even a student teacher at the time has found her way back to the school.
We do care about each other and our kids.
But we do have issues. Trauma tends to do that to people.
I have mentioned it before, but we have NEVER talked about what happened as a group. Here we are, the people that lived it, and yet we've never been able to give each other the support (and healing) that telling our stories would bring. Do you know what stifling discussion on something big like this does to a group that is mostly women? I'm sure you can imagine. There have been small group discussions, but even those are few and far between.
We were told not to talk.
We were told there would be lawsuits and that our talking about it would open us up to litigation.
Like the good little students we are, we listened. We were all afraid, I suppose. We didn't know what else to do. We were in shock.
Sadly, listening to that nonsense has hurt every one of us. Our morale is low. People are afraid to tell others where they work to avoid the inevitable questions about what happened. (Even I will not wear my school logo out around town.) Our stress level is high. People are getting sick easily and staying sick for what seems like forever. (We have a freakishly high number of teachers on thyroid medication--like over half of the teachers!)
You can only pretend that something isn't (or hasn't) happening for so long...eventually it will catch up to you.
The trial this summer has again brought everything to the forefront. Many of us ended up testifying. Summer was almost nonexistant with that hanging over our heads.
We are already tired, and we are 6 weeks into the school year. That isn't a good sign.
So we created a team, of which I am a member, to problem solve ways to help our staff and school move on. It is hard to move on, though, when you haven't been given the chance to heal.
Our psychologist has offered to bring in a cr.i.s.e.s te.am (sorry I feel like I have to do that) who will finally help to give us the chance to d.e.b.rie.f. This is the same type of team that would d.e.b.rie.f law enforcement or firefighters after they've responded to or experienced tr.ag.edy.
This last week, the psychologist presented our idea to the staff. There were tears when he spoke. We handed out a survey that I created to the staff asking if they would want this type of thing. The overwhelming response was yes.
Within the next few weeks, we will get what we've been missing--that chance to talk.
I imagine it is going to be brutal emotionally. I hope that it will also be good for us all.
We
want need to finally get this out.
Posts
