Hard to Believe

I found these things in my laptop case the other day.



It's a diaper that could fit the boys when they were first born and their name cards from the hospital. Their diapers were small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. The amazing thing is that these diapers were so small, and yet they were still loose on their tiny little bodies.

To put it into perspective, here is their first diaper next to one they wear today...

But you know, you still can't get a good understanding of the difference between the butts that sit inside these little diapers until you see these...

Just another reminder of how lucky I am to have the miracles that I call my little boys.

A quick update because I am too tired to think. Shawn is still breaking out in the pox, but I hope that the last day of breakout was today or is tomorrow. It took Jason about 5 days to finish popping out, so I expect the same for Shawn. Now he wants to be held all the time--no rest for the weary (namely me).

My mom did test positive for lyme. Scary stuff. We're still trying to sort all of that out. She has been pretty sick, with fevers up to 102.5 degrees. I finally talked the doctor into giving us antibiotics. That has helped tremendously. We have an appointment with the infectious disease doctor this month.

There was an earthquake this morning. It shook pretty good. The boys didn't seem to mind it. I don't even think they noticed. It sure scared the crap out of me. Now I have them to think about, whereas before, earthquakes never seemed to bother me much. Anyway, all is well with the house, etc. No damage that I can see, so yea. Just a few rattled nerves.

Okay. I have a minute to sleep while the poxy boy is actually in his crib and not in my arms. I am off.

Second verse...same as the first. The pox are back.

Out of My Mind

Going stir crazy here. Coo Coo. Lock me up, crazy.

Ja.son wants me to hold him. For what seems like -- All. The. Time. He wakes up in the middle of the night three to four times. He won't let Is.aac hold him when he wakes. It has to be me. I am so tired.

He is feeling beter during the day. I can put him down as long as I am within his sight. Is.aac can even hold him for short little stints if I am right there. But the nights. Oh, the nights are killing me.

I thought we were finally over the contagious stage until I found two new blisters on the bottoms of Ja.son's feet yesterday morning. I thought for sure they would have scabbed by today. No such luck. Why'd I have to look? I could have been ignorantly contaminating the rest of the city in pure bliss. Damn.

Sh.awn still has only had the one pox. Please don't let that mean he'll break out completely once Ja.son is better. It has been 10 days since Ja.son first broke out. You'd think Sh.awn would have gotten more by now if he was going them, right? Ugg.

This and That

This picture makes me laugh. I think he is finally over the breakout stage. Good thing, too, because I don't think he had any room for more. He's feeling better, but he is still a grump. This picture illustrates the 'tude I've been getting for the past few weeks. Sigh.

Somehow, Sh.awn has still only had one spot. I firmly believe that it was a blistered pox, too. I hope that doesn't mean he'll breakout fully once Ja.son is better. He had the fever and was definitely achy while Ja.son was going through it, so who knows.

My mom is not only poxy (which they are saying is a bad case of shingles), there is the strong suspicion that she also contracted Ly.me disease while she was at her sister's in Michigan. My grandmother had a total of three ticks on her at various times while they were gone, so we know that they were there. My mom distinctly remembers having some sort of bite on the palm of her hand about three days after she got there. She did not see a tick (or anything else), but she has broken out in a rash on several parts of her body that strongly resemble the LD rash. She did blood work today to confirm, although from what I have read, the tests are not really reliable this early in the infection. I am urging her to make sure the doctor gives her antibiotics just in case. (seriously, her rashes are classic for the disease. it was almost like someone made her pose and posted them on the web as examples.)

We had a lengthy discussion about the luck we've been having lately. Let's just say we decided to not place bets for awhile. It seems that we've had the knack of falling on the wrong side of the odds.

Back to the mantra: Surely things are going to start to get better for us...

60 Things About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? Two car seat bases, a water bottle, and a box of Kleenex.



2. When was the last time you threw up? I threw up in October and early November.



3. What's your favorite curse word? I am a big fan of Shit. Well, the f bomb works, too. And ass. But, I don't curse very often. My dad used to say everyone was an asshole. I use that one now, too.



4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Jason, Shawn, and Isaac



5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? I think I was cat napping.



6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? laundry



7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? dishes and hopefully going to bed (wink, wink)



8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nope. I did take a picture with the Chippendale dancers in Vegas, though. Does that count?



9. What is the last thing you said aloud? Get me some batteries! (for the bouncy seats people. Get your minds out of the gutter)



10. What is the best ice cream flavor? chocolate



11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Pepsi. Totally addicted.



12. What are you wearing right now? Sweat pants, Isaac's shirt, formula, and cat hair (it is everywhere. I can't seem to find the time to clean it all up).



13. What was the last thing you ate? homemade pizza



14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? two black t-shirts. I am trying to add color to my wardrobe and I end up with black. matches my mood.)



15. When was the last time you ran? Umm...I don't run. I might walk fast, but that is as far as I go with that.



16. What's the last sporting event you watched? I think it was tennis. When was that on? Maybe it was the Olympic Trials. I am not sure.



18. Who is the last person you emailed? A friend who I will be meeting for lunch tomorrow (hallelujah...I get to get out!)



19. Ever go camping? when I was a kid. I don't do nature now. It is the bugs' fault.



20. Do you have a tan? I wish. Moontan count? I tend to reflect the sun, you know, like a mirror. I'll blind you if you're anywhere around.



24. Do you drink your soda from a straw? only at a restaurant



25. What did your last IM say? It said file complete. My dad sent me a song he pirated for me. That is how long it has been.



26. Are you some one's best friend? yep



27. What are you doing tomorrow? hoping to sleep in, but know that is only a dream. then I am going out for lunch with some girls from work.



28. Where is your mom right now? at home, in bed. she's has the poxes, too.



29. Look to your left, what do you see? the remote, a phone, and a pillow



30. What color is your watch? silver and black



31. What do you think of when you think of Australia? $40 dollars and TC



32. Would you consider plastic surgery? Hmm...maybe



33. What is your birthstone? diamonds, baby!



34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru when I go, which isn't often any more



35.How many kids do you want? as many as I can get. at least one more, and hopefully a girl.



36. Do you have a dog? allergic to them, so no



37. Last person you talked to on the phone? my mom



38. Have you met anyone famous? Yes. Selma Hayak. I was in Cub Scouts (as the mascot with my brothers) with the lead singer from Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. His parents and my parents are friends



39. Any plans today? Just to finish the laundry and hit the sack



40. How many states have you lived in? only one--total Californian here



41. Ever go to college? two junior colleges, and two universities



42. Where are you right now? in the living room



43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? the clock in the nursery. it ticks so loud that it is literally driving me up the wall. it doesn't help that the baby monitor magnifies the sound in every room. I have no idea why I don't just get rid of it.



44. Last song listened to? Baby Einstein Mozart



46. Are you allergic to anything? I get hives for unknown reasons--lucky me. plus I am allergic to perfumes, dogs, and even my own sweat when I was younger! Oh, and something in Mincemeat pie (made my lips swell)



47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? my slippers at home and my tennis shoes when I go out



48. Are you jealous of anyone? sometimes.



50. Is anyone jealous of you? probably not.



51. What time is it? 11:15 PM



52. Do any of your friends have children? a few, but not all



53. Do you eat healthy? is chocolate healthy? it is dark chocolate. overall, probably not as healthy as I should. I like crap, that is all there is to it.



54. What do you usually do during the day? tend to babies. teach seventh graders.



55. Do you hate anyone right now? angelina jolie. maybe hate is too strong a word



56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? yep. also say howdy and hey



58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 37



59. Have you ever been to Six Flags? I live 45 minutes away from one, and have all of my life. what do you think? yes, is an understatement!



60. How did you get one of your scars? I got one from working at a chicken fast food place. slipped on the greasy floors while holding a crock of tea. went to the local medical clinic (just as they were closing) to get stitches, but they wouldn't let me in, so I went home and hoped my arm wouldn't fall off from some infection. thankfully, my arm is still intact, although I do have a pretty nasty scar.

Here's Jason this morning. He was just miserable. Poor baby! Thank goodness for Benadryl. (I heart you Benadryl, I really do. Jason doesn't care for you much, but I LOVE you anyway.)


Shawn still only has his one spot. Hmm...I guess it is fair that he doesn't get it as bad.

WTF? (Updated x 2)

Last night, before we went to bed, we noticed that Jason had a little baby acne spot on his nose. Poor baby, we thought, and we put him to bed.

This morning, Jason had a funny little spot on his ankle. Hmm...I thought as I got him up to feed him breakfast.

Twenty minutes later, the spot on his ankle looked more like a little blister.

Crap.

Further investigation revealed he had several on his back, a few on his genitals, and more on his legs and arms.

Called the doctor to tell her what I suspected.

$25.00 copay later, she pretty much confirmed my suspicions.

Chicken pox or possibly a viral infection. WTF? Where did this come from?

Called my mom to tell her. Hmm...she said. That sounds a lot like the "bug bites" I had all over my body when I got back from my trip. I remember her telling me how much these bites itched over the last two weeks. I vaguely recollect her saying they started as blisters. But, she said they were bites. I went with bites.

Apparently, they weren't bites.

There you have it. So much for trying to not expose the boys to stranger germs. Talk about friendly fire...

Updated to add--

Just found the first spot on Shawn. Oh, joy.

Updated again--

Good God, take mercy on me! It is going to be a long couple of days if this is any indication of things. What is it with males and illness? Good grief.

And why is this whole Angelina thing driving me up the freaking wall? It all just bugs the living daylights out of me. (Bitter much? Yes.)

My Word Bubble

I found this at luna's site and decided to try it out. It is pretty telling. I need to change my way of thinking.

I am having trouble making it bigger, so click on it to see all the words.

I am slowly easing myself away from the cliff of terror. Sh.awn hasn't thrown up again since the night of the last post. (I had his bag packed. His car seat was ready. I was so close to putting him in the car and going.) He isn't himself yet, he's clingy and whiny, but there is no fever and he is eating both formula and solids regularly. So, for now, I am chalking this up to an upset tummy. Maybe it's a teething thing. I don't know. I am not convinced that his head is not the cause just yet, but I am getting there.

Don't get me wrong. I am watching like a hawk (which is so exhausting) to make sure that the signs of infection are not there. But, the longer we go without anything more happening, the calmer I feel.

This is so not how I expected to be as a new mom. I am trying hard to not let all of this sap from me the enjoyment of having babies.

And just for clarification, I am not standing over my poor children (mostly just Sh.awn, I am strangely relaxed about Ja.son) watching their every move and keeping them from every experience. I am letting them be babies and do baby things. Want to lick grass? Sure. No problem. Want to stick something in your mouth? Okay. Let me brush it off on my pants first--you know, to sterilize it.

I know that babies throw up for no reason. I know that they get sick.

Sigh.

I hope I'll feel a little more relaxed the further we get away from that time. Time always eases the pain, right?

It's just...things have been...rough, and I so don't want to have to go through all of that stuff again.

Shit (Updated)

Shit. He just threw up. Not a little tiny spit up. He. Threw. Up. A. Lot. Tell me that this isn't happening again. Babies throw up, right? Tell me they throw up.

I have not quite reached epic panic proportions just yet, but I swear if he throws up one more time, I am going to lose it. Just one more time and I am taking him to the hospital. And God, I don't want to go back to that place.

No infection. No infection. No infection. Please don't let this be an infection. Please, please, please.

Pray to whatever you pray to that this is not an infection.

Update:

It's now been nearly 12 hours and no more throw up. He isn't himself yet, but he is finally wanting food and has kept it down. I am still worried, though.

Last night, he only took 3 oz, then threw up, and then would only take an ounce of pedia.lyte during the night. This morning, he finally took 6 oz of formula, which promptly made me hold my breath to see if he'd keep it in. So far, so good...(knock on everything wood around you, please); it's been 3 1/2 hours. Now, I just gave them brunch (oatmeal) and that is staying down (keep knocking), but it has only been 1/2 an hour.

Is is sad that I would feel better if Jason threw up, too? What a mother...wishing both children are sick and miserable. But then, at least I would know that it wasn't an infection. Sigh.

I have 6 months before the infection risk goes away. That puts us to December. Shawn, let's get there with no infections, okay? I hope I will make it with most of my sanity. okay. half.

A Friend...

A friend of mine sent me an email today.

i am glad you are doing well. i don't know how. it seems your year has been more trying than mine and yet you still give so much hope. i wish i was the same.

This friend is hurting so much, and I so wish I could take away some of her pain. She has been through one hell of a year with what happened at school, and a new baby born just weeks before my boys arrived. As you can imagine, this has put a strain on her marriage.

That line in her email haunts me. "I still give so much hope." I am somewhat ashamed to read that line. She has such a limited view of the feelings I have had throughout these last months. I have purposely kept most of what I have been feeling away from the general public. I haven't even really opened up to anyone, not even Isaac about all of this. I speak, or write, freely here, but how sad that I feel the ability to only expose myself to a sea of anonymous readers.

What my friend has seen has been my alter ego blog about the boys. It is all blue skies and sunshine on that blog. I don't really talk much about my anger or my fear of what may lie ahead for us. She has heard me say the boys are doing well even when we were going through the darkest of days with Shawn. She hasn't heard my fear of what Jason's future may hold.

And in so doing, I have made her feel so alone--like she is somehow not, oh I don't know, good enough to make it through what is going on in her life with the "optimism" I have.

And my optimism has been such a lie!

What does that say about me, this not being able to be the real me to the people in my regular life? Why do I feel like I must sugar coat everything and make everyone else feel better? Why am I not okay enough with myself and my family to just lay everything out there?

I struggle for answers to those questions. I do know that my lack of confidence in myself probably has more influence on me than I ever really admitted before.

My friend is able to talk about her darkest worries and fears. This friend wears her heart on her sleeve. I so admire her for that. I so wish I could be like that. It just seems so much more healthy to me. But, she went on to write...

i haven't wanted to really reach out because it just seems futile and gets more people upset**

Doesn't that break your heart?

I suppose it doesn't really matter which tactic you take, whether that is to bottle it up like me, or put it all out there like her; both can be just as isolating. People don't really want to hear the dark feelings. They want to change the subject to sunshine when the darkness eeks its way into conversations. They like the sunshine instead.

On a whim, I sent her a link to this blog. (and I do hope she is reading these lines right now) I must admit that I almost had a heart attack pasting this address on the reply I sent her. I almost didn't have the courage to hit send. She will be the only one in real life to read these words. I won't have my sunshine to hide behind with her. It scares the shit out of me to know that.

But I hit send anyway. I hope, that if nothing else comes out of this, she'll know that she isn't alone. And more importantly, I love her.

**Yes this friend is seeking professional help from a trauma counselor.

Someone's Giving Me 'Tude.

Can you guess which one?

Shawn

Jason

Jason has been a bear lately. I don't know why. That look says it all, though, doesn't it?

Holding My Breath...

I've been consumed by an upcoming appointment with the boys' neurologist. I have stressed. I have worried. I have had nightmares. By golly, I think I am also heading toward another bout of my good friend IB. And this has been going on for weeks now.

I just knew that with our track record at this doctor's, any doctor for that matter, things wouldn't go well. The last time we went to this particular doctor was the day that Shawn's shunt issues started. (I am well aware of the irony of that. The neurologist had cleared us for three months because things looked so good.) At the last visit with this doctor, he told me my baby had cerebral palsy. I cried for days about that last visit.

Get why I was stressed now?

I made Isaac go with me. I just couldn't face all the grim negativity by myself again.

We waited for an hour to get in to the exam room--one of the longest hours since we were in the hospital. The longer it took to be seen, the more I knew that all I would hear was bad news.

The actual doctor came out to meet us and call us into the room. (more confirmation that we were doomed) He had an assistant do the customary height, weight, and temp notes. Then the history started. I detailed what Shawn had been through over the last few months: the surgeries, the infection, the hospital stays, the second shunt, the delays in his development while he had to have had the mother of all migraines for 8 fucking weeks straight.

And then he examined him. I held my breath. Shawn smiled at this man who tossed him around like he was a rag doll and had the power to label him with terrible words.

And then he said the said the sweetest words..."He is looking very good, especially considering his history."

I let out a small bit of breath.

Jason's turn.

He took Jason and immediately commented on his trunk muscle tone (thank you jolly jumper). He held him, turned him, made him sit up. Jason did it all, smiling just like his brother.

The doctor slid back to look at his chart. He slid back. He tapped Jason's knees, played with his feet, had him stand on his legs, and said..."Whatever you are doing is working."

Whatever I am doing is working. I am sure that probably doesn't refer to the worry about feedings or constipation.

He meant what I am doing is helping my babies thrive: the exercises we do while I sing songs over and over, the reading, the stimulation I am giving them.

It. Is. Working!

I am crying just thinking about it.

We, of course, aren't out of the woods yet. There is still a risk for developmental delays, and yes, even CP. But I knew those risks were there from the mere fact that the boys were born so early. The good news is that we aren't at an "elevated" risk any more.

I think I might sleep okay tonight, the first time in quite awhile...