Friday Night Leftovers

Who am I trying to kid? I never get it done on Friday anymore. I Should be calling these "Weekend Leftovers."

The walking he's doing? Still not old. Makes my heart happy to see him toddle along. Makes my heart happier to see Ja.son start working on his standing/walking a lot more, too. The brotherly competition is nice in this case.

~~~

Jack has taken to destroying everything in his path. Now that means he is after the wall decal/stickers I have in the big boys' room. He has taken them off so often that now they don't really stick. Boo. I went out to the store to buy clear contact paper in an effort to make things more challenging to peel off. If that doesn't work, then I guess I take the whole thing down myself. Double boo.

~~~

One week of my vacation is over already. It's gone so fast! I sure do like this SAHM thing. I'm feeling a little sad about going back. I'm also feeling sad that I have a crate full of projects to grade, and I haven't even started.

~~~

I got an iPad mini for Christmas. I have been wanting a white one. Is.aac gave me a black one with the explanation that they'd have white soon and he'd exchange the one I have when the white comes in. I'm still waiting--not so patiently, I might add. Now I'm debating over whether I should just say screw it and open the black one. (Such a horrible problem to have, I know.)

~~~

Since I had my unwanted visitor earlier this month, I've been keeping a close eye on my stat counter. I have to tell you it is fascinating. It amazes me to see all the info available for me: who comes, where they are located, which site referred them (linked), where they go after me (who they visited off of my blog roll), what posts they read, and so forth.

There is a person visiting from Omaha who has been going through my archives. On Friday, they had made it through October, 2008--that first year was so, so hard for us. What they must think. We were like a car crash back in those days, so hard to read about yet you couldn't exactly tear yourself away. Sigh.

I don't know if he/she will be back to continue reading the rest of our story, but I've been thinking about that person. I do hope it isn't someone who is in the same situation I was in back in those days. If it is, then I am sending love and strength his or her way.

~~~

My house is still an after holiday disaster area. I am not really feeling the inclination to clean it up, either!

~~~

Jason was watching the squirrel outside gather up some nuts Is.aac had left outside. "Look mom! That squirrel has a nut sack in his cheek!" I almost died from laughter.

He also randomly uses "scurvy" to describe his toys--"Come here, you scurvy dinosaur!" Wtf, right?

~~~

Sh.awn is obsessed with a game on his LeapPad. It's a logic game where you are given shapes and you have to fit them into the appropriate places on an image (think Tangrams). That thing is driving him...and me...crazy with frustration. True to form, though, he continues to play it (and yell at it) over and over again. He wants to play the "advanced" level. He can't do the advanced level yet. Aye yi yi!

I imagine he won't stop until he's conquered it. He's like his mother in that way. ;-)

This kid has determination oozing out of him! I love it.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Okay

On Christmas Eve, I made my first return visit to the NICU since the boys were discharged five years ago.

It's funny that it was so difficult for me to imagine going, especially because I have been back to that hospital several times since then. I even had Jack there for goodness sake. In all of that time, though, I avoided that part of the hospital like the plague.

The anticipation of the visit made my stomach a wreck on the days leading up to the 24th. I wanted to back out so many times, it was ridiculous. But I didn't. I told myself that my desire to avoid that place was the most important reason for me to face my demon head on. It didn't hurt that I had my friend from the preemie board meeting me there to help with my confidence.

The night before, my friend, K, let me know that she had called to tell them to expect us. (As an aside, I still have the NICU number saved in my phone's contact list. It has this way of jolting me when I least expect it, and yet I can't bring myself to delete it.) K told me the names of the nurses who would be there. The names were vaguely familiar, but for the life of me, I couldn't say for sure if they were our nurses. The very people who helped make my boys well enough to come home, people I spent over a hundred days with, seemed to be erased from my memory. (There are a lot of holes in what I remember from that time. Some moments are etched in my brain for eternity, but many of the day to day reality is long gone. It's a strange sensation.)

I felt the same familiar feeling when I got to that turn in the road, the one about five minutes away from the hospital, my last opportunity to turn around before the hospital. I had to wrestle with myself every single time I went there back in those days. Every day I fought the overwhelming urge to turn around and go home. It was at that point that my courage faltered, the facade cracked ever so slightly. Every day I managed to grit my teeth and keep driving.

I wasn't prepared for that particular panic to flood my body last week, but there it was anyway. I guess I should have expected it; I was going back to the place that holds so many terrifying memories, after all. This time, like the others, I kept driving.

I managed to park in the same parking lot, pass through the same halls. I thought about the woman at the front desk who would wave us in after hours and tell us she was praying for our babies. I thought about that creaky elevator that emptied right outside of the NICU...I passed it by. I focused on my feet and willed them to keep walking.

In the end, my anxiety was for naught. When K and I got up to the NICU, it was really too busy for us to actually talk to any of the nurses. (I hate to admit it, but I was so relieved. I'm not sure if I would have handled that well.) One side of the NICU, the level 1 nursery--the place we spent so much time, was closed. The secretary took us over there to drop off our gifts. K had candy for the nurses, some clothing for the babies, and books for both the parents and the babies. I managed to find some gently used picture books to donate.

I also took our Christmas card, thinking that maybe they'd remember us from the picture. In some ways, we still resemble the two shell shocked parents the knew five years ago. In more ways, we are nothing like the people they came to know back then. But, maybe they've wondered about our two little men...us, I don't know. Maybe our card would show them that we are okay. We're happy. We're thriving.

As I awkwardly stood there listening to K and the secretary chat, I looked around at this place that was our home away from home for over 100 days. There was our corner of the room near the window. I looked at the two empty isolettes in our old spots. Memories tugged at the recessives of my mind. I flashed to Jason lying there under his blue billi lights. Heard the swoosh of his vent. I pictured Is.aac changing Sh.awn's preemie diaper. The room was so, so little. No one was in it, and it was still tiny. How had I never noticed that?

It didn't feel that way while we were there, that's for sure. Instead it felt massive. The space mirrored my emotions at that time--it as vast as the pain and guilt in my heart.

I like that the NICU seemed small now.

I went back through my archives when I got home. I read through those months, remembered things I had forgotten. I shook my head at my naivete. I cried over the hurt and fear and anger that oozed from my words. I told the me of five years ago to hold on, it will be okay. She will be okay.

Because it is okay.

More than okay.

This Is NEVER Going to Get Old

Some might say that it's a Christmas miracle. I might even agree. ;) But, I know for certain that it will never get old to watch this...



He's done a lot of standing and walking holding on to something. He even did quite a bit of short jaunts from one thing to another, only if there was something to fall into on arrival. Three days ago, though, he took the plunge and started walking across the room. He hasn't fallen yet, either.

Finally.

I won't lie and say it doesn't bring me a lot of relief that he is finally doing it.

Nor will I lie and say I'm not enjoying seeing one of my boys take off and walk!* (although I have to admit to wondering how he is able to stay upright sometimes, lol)

Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

*For those of you new here, you may not understand the significance of my Jack walking. I mean, seriously. Kids walk all the time. At our house, though, my boys haven't walked yet. My five year olds can't, thanks to the lasting effects of their prematurity. So, this is our first experience, and it is glorious to behold. :-)

Friday Night Leftovers

I decided that I wanted to get my hair dyed. I went from my natural dirty blond color to a medium brown which is the same shade as Sh.awn's hair. I love it!

The boys? Not so much. Ja.son told me that he liked my hair except for the funny color I made it. Sh.awn told me that my hair is dirty. Lol. Oh well. They'll get used to it. :-)

~~~

I am now on vacation until January 7th. Yea!

~~~

A woman I met on a preemie board asked me to go to the NICU with her on Christmas Eve. I am nervous about it. After all this time, I have never been back to it. Even when I had Jack, I managed to avoid that area of the delivery wing.

Isn't it a small world when you're on a preemie board of under 200 women from around the country and you find someone who has the same OB, delivered in the same hospital, works in the same city you do (doing the same thing even), and knows people you know? It boggles my mind sometimes!

~~~

I finally got out my Christmas cards two days ago. Yep, it took me a month to get out those cards I started the day after Thanksgiving. Lol. People seem to like them, too. Yea!

~~~

It rained a few days ago. We once again got ants afterward. Blah. It annoys me that we get our house sprayed regularly and still get ants.

It annoys me more that we likely have five or six more days of rain ahead of us.

~~~

The boys just had their six month evals done for therapy. Ugh. I hate this time of year. I was pleasantly surprised, though, at how much more accurate they were this time. Finally, the therapist believe us when we tell them that the boys can do stuff they don't see at therapy.

Even better, finally we have people who are skilled in what they do. It makes such a difference for us all.

~~~

I'm doing the "12 Days Till Christmas" over on the other blog if you're interested. It's silly but fun. (Well, at least I think it's fun.)


Stop at Danifred's for more leftovers.

Senseless

Like so many around the world, I'm sick over the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. There is simply no reason on Earth for someone to do what that mentally ill young man chose to do to that school. Senseless isn't strong enough of a word.

Another shooting...it’s not something I want to happen anywhere, much less at a school.

When I think about in the role as a teacher, I can imagine what the faculty of that school endured during those terrifying moments. The knowledge that they had to keep themselves focused and in control to maximize any chance of survival. The overwhelming responsibility they felt toward their kids, which overshadowed concern for their own safety.

And I imagine the survivor's guilt they likely feel over the loss of so many. Gone in their minds is the focus on how many were saved. My guess is the memory of what they've seen and all of those lost replaced that the second they left their school. The questions about why they couldn't do more and save those killed is with them at every moment. The continued worry about the children who were saved...

We went through a tiny fraction of what this school experienced. It was enough, though, for me (us at my school) to have a tiny glimmer of understanding of their world right now. If nearly seventy percent of our staff suffered from PTSD because of our shooting, I hate to think about what must lie ahead for that community.

I hope and pray that the community goes above and beyond to get the school staff the emotional support they will need. If nothing else, those involved need a chance to professionally debrief as a group (like all of the first responders will as a part of their job). As much as others try to understand the feelings this staff is going through, no one can truly "get it," which is extremely isolating. Talking with others who experienced the same thing is so validating...

I hope they rely on each other for emotional strength and healing.

~~~

When I think about this even as a parent, I can't breathe. Those little ones were my kids' age. In, had I sent my kids to school this year, what could have been the same grade as my boys.

It shakes me to my core.

It reminds me to make every moment count with my boys.

It makes me want to hole up in our house and never go out into the big, ugly world.

It makes me want to shower them in love and never let them out of my sight.

It makes me my heart ache when I think of those parents who will never, ever be able to hold their beautiful children again. Their grief weighs heavily on all of us.

~~~

When I first heard the news, I was on a bus filled with half of the one hundred and twenty eighth grade students we were taking to the Museum of Tolerance. At that point, I think there was still hope that all the children were okay. I didn't tell them what had happened. I couldn't bring myself to; I wanted to shield them from the it for as long as possible. As it was, they saw a news report on the shooting almost as soon as we entered the museum.

I did text Is.aac several times. We were both speechless about the unfolding information. We told each other we loved each other. We vowed to snuggle our boys when we got home from work.

It's striking that we went to a place focused on hate and intolerance on a day like yesterday. Each exhibit hit us all a little harder, made us just that much more emotional. By the time we came home, we were all physically and emotionally spent.

~~~

There was a moment while we were on our field trip, though, that made me pause. In my mind, it highlighted why we see so many young people doing such horrific things.

One of the exhibits was a diner. The students all entered and sat in front of a jukebox shaped monitor. They were shown a short movie on a given topic and then asked questions about it.

This year, our docent chose the topic of drinking and driving. The short film is a (fictional) news report about a teenage couple on the way home from the prom. They get into a single car accident which kills the male driver. The film jumps to several other news reports spread out over a few weeks. As new details emerge, the viewer starts to get a clearer picture of what happened. The driver was drunk from alcohol the girlfriend bought at a convenience store known to turn its head to underage customers. The driver's mother is also stated as knowing her son had issues with alcohol.

The kids heard all the information from the film clips and were asked to rate the level of personal responsibility each of 4 key players in the drama had on the boy's death: the 17 year old male driver, the 16 year old girlfriend who bought the alcohol, the mother who knew something was up with her son, and the store owner. They were told they could give the same amount of responsibility to all of those involved if they chose, or they could assign different levels of responsibility to each person.

This was where my jaw hit the floor.

The kids, who are all very bright Honors students, assigned the least amount of responsibility to the driver himself. The most responsibility was assigned to the store owner and the mother. In essence, these kids thought that the boy's own actions had little responsibility in his own death and instead assigned blame to the adults.

The docent saw my reaction and said that how my kids responded was very typical of what they see from the kids who come to this exhibit.

The kids were then given more information about the scenario. They were allowed to "ask" questions of the three living characters. (I think they were four question options for each of them.) After the kids gathered more information, they were polled again about the responsibility each player had in the death of the boy.

Again they said the adults were the responsible, not the kids.

I was shocked. I still struggle to wrap my mind around the fact that the boy held little responsibility for his own death in this situation.

But if this kind of thinking is typical, as the docent said it was, then it lends itself to the bigger picture: The kids of this generation are somehow missing the lesson that they are responsible for their own actions, choices, and consequences. Somehow, our kids are getting the sense that they are not responsible for the things they do, the blame falls on the lap of someone.

The more I think about it, the more examples I see. The are the kids who have parents who lie for them so they won't have to serve detentions or get bad grades. There's the kid who plagiarized an entire essay whose father argued that his son should not be suspended because the teacher's parent letter never stated that plagiarism is forbidden. (yes. a parent did argue that.) The parents that continue to shower their children with toys and objects without any regard to whether the children need it/or want it simply to make up for lack of time or parenting.

It's everywhere, this subtle message that this generation don't have to take responsibility for their actions.

It scares the crap out of me.

I have a lot of work ahead of me with this group. Somehow, I need to ensure that these kids learn and take personal responsibility for their actions.

~~~

My goal for today was to do a random act of kindness for someone outside of my circle of friends/family as a rebellion against the evil and hate. Can you imagine if everyone did that and kept doing it?
I don't want to believe that the world is evil. I don't want my boys to grow up to think the world is a horrible place, either. I want to teach them that while bad things happen, there is so much more good. I want them to focus on the helpers, like Mr. Rogers said.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
― Fred Rogers

Friday Night Leftovers

So it seems that I got a new visitor to my blog! I got a text from the aunt saying she read my post and the point was taken. She said I didn't need to worry about playing stupid anymore.

So...

I have a lot of feelings about this little communication from her, and well I do feel bad that she got her feelings hurt. I would feel just as bad if I had inadvertently hurt the feelings of anyone else.

But.

BUT. I am not sorry for what I wrote. I wrote what I was feeling in response to how I perceived her actions.

She was the one who actively searched out my blog. She somehow got part of the address (still not sure how, not that it matters anymore anyway), googled it, and stayed for approximately 18 minutes reading my blog.

She knew she had no business at this place, yet she kept reading. Then, when she found something that annoyed her, she went OUT OF HER WAY to text me to tell me about it as if I had done something wrong and she had caught me at it. (She also text Is.aac, which is even more offensive to me. If she had an issue with me, then she needs to address it with me, not run to him and "try" to get me into some sort of elementary school trouble. Please.)

I blocked her IP address and will watch out for people who click over from her area of the country. But really, what else can I do? (Yes, I know there are ways to get around a blocked address.)

Nothing really. I've decided this is more her issue than mine. I suppose she could be hateful and hand out this address to everyone who will listen. Whatever. I don't have time to deal with that kind of drama.

Sigh. Sometimes I don't understand people.

~~~

I am starting the Elf on the shelf thing tomorrow. I am a bit paranoid that I am going to forget to hide the stupid thing and mess it all up. lol. Wish me luck!

~~~

I decided that the toy Ja.son saw yesterday is going to get donated. We donate toys every year, so that isn't something totally out of the norm. I also decided that I'm still going to have Santa give the toy to him. I figure the reason will be that Santa saw how much he liked the donated one and thought he'd want one, too.

Not a perfect plan, but I think it will work.

~~~

Cathy talked about how her boys were getting beds for their birthday because they had outgrown their toddler beds. I couldn't figure that out. My boys were big and they still fit. In my head, I just chalked it up to her boys being especially big.

Last night, I got the urge to see just how much longer my boys had before I needed to get them bigger beds. I nearly fell over when I saw that Ja.son's head touched one end of the bed while his feet touched the other. Sh.awn didn't have all that much more room.

How could I miss that they didn't fit in their beds any more?! Apparently I am not very observant.

~~~

Shatterproof tree ornaments, oh how I love thee. Jack keeps taking the ornaments off the tree and throwing them on the ground. He has yet to break one! Whoot.

~~~
Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Letter to a Toy Merchant

Dear Toy Merchant,

Why, oh why, would you send a toy purchased online during the weekend after Thanksgiving to a home in its original packaging instead of the traditional brown shipping box? Could you not fathom that perhaps the purchase, bought during the most popular holiday shopping weekend of the year, might possibly be a gift for a child at the designated shipping address?

It happens, you know.

People buy items online and ship them to their home and use them for gifts! Really!

Do you know what happens when a child residing at said home sees the undisguised toy box on his front porch?

Let me just tell you.

The child wants the toy. Now. The child pesters his poor, tired mother for the rest of the night about that damn toy. "What was it? Who is it for? Where is it? Can I play with it?" On and on and on...

It is even worse when the toy in question was going to be a gift from the big man in RED.

Yeah. That can't happen now. How is mommy going to explain why Santa left a toy for Christmas that they already got in the mail? She can't, especially when the boy is 5 and has a memory like a computer chip.

So thank you, toy merchant. Thanks a LOT. You have made my life just a little bit more complicated.

Your disgruntled customer,
Stacie

P.S. You suck.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday

I gave the boys haircuts today.

I hate doing haircuts. It's one of those necessary evils that I do because I just can't justify taking the boys out, paying for them to melt down while getting a cut that isn't any better than I can do.

For once, there were no tears. I tell you it was glorious. Okay, fine. Glorious probably isn't the best word to describe the feeling, but it was pretty nice to not have to hear them screaming the entire time I work on them.

You see, it's the little things that make me happy. No screaming during the haircuts definitely makes me happy! :-)

Aren't they cute? :-)

I just realized that Sh.awn's hair parts on the right; Jack's hair parts on the left; and Ja.son's hair doesn't have a part. Hm. How funny is that? You'd think I'd pick a side and stick with it. lol.

Friday Night Leftovers

We had a lovely Thanksgiving. The boys did not want to eat anything because it all was "ex-cust-ing." I did manage to coax them into trying a bite of each thing with the promise of a mini-marshmallow per bite. Jack apparently doesn't like mini-marshmallows either, so he did a fine job decorating my mom's floor with all of his food. Oh well.

Parenting at its best. lol.

~~~

Is.aac played his traditional "Turkey Bowl" football game on Thanksgiving morning. A bunch of guys have been getting together for years to play football.

Every year, he usually comes back with his fair share of aches and pains, (He forgets he's no longer 18 and in shape.) although I've been waiting for the call that will inevitably come about him or one of the other guys breaking something and having to rush to the ER. Fortunately, he made it through the game intact.

Afterward, they were talking/catching up with each other when he managed to crack a sizable chunk of his tooth while chewing a piece of gum.

Sigh.

We're thanking his lucky stars that he's not in pain right now, but the added expense of a crown is not something we need right now.

~~~

Ja.son asked me to marry him this afternoon. Oh how that melted my heart! Such a sweet boy!

~~~

Can I just say that I love online shopping. I mean really. I love it. I got to stay in my nice warm living room and shop. Things will be delivered right to my door. I couldn't ask for more!

~~~

I am having a really productive holiday so far, definitely not my norm! I have put up the Christmas lights on the house, started to address Christmas cards (they came today and I love them!), put up the Christmas tree, and did a little shopping. Go me!

~~~

Drop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Giving Gifts

With twins and a toddler, gift giving can be a bit challenging. Although it looks like there are thousands of toys out in the world, half of the toys are immediately eliminated from contention simply because they are geared for children of the opposite gender. (While I am not opposed to giving the boys gifts that might be considered "girl" gifts, that issue hasn't really come up yet.) And when you have two kids the same age, you're already limited gift choices drop exponentially. Plus, by the time the toddler reaches any given age, it seems like he already has half a toy store at his disposal. Finding something new and interesting for him is just as difficult.

Really, you have two options.

1) Buy the same toys for everyone. This may seem like a valid option, but in practice it doesn't really work. You could have FIVE of the exact same toys in your house expecting that everyone will play harmoniously together because, hey! everyone has his own toy! The problem is, the ONLY toy child A will want is the one his brother has in his hands. Of course no other toy will do, and shame on you for trying to get child A to see that the other four toys are just as good. Besides, it can be incredibly boring to have two of everything (for them and for me). Sigh.

or

2) Purchase only one of any given toy, directing each toy to the child whose interests and/or personality best matches it. You know, do the same thing parents of single children do all the time. This option sounds plausible, really it does. Yet, with the limited choices of toys available and the fact that your children spend every waking moment together, trying to find that perfect toy for one vs. the other is harder than one might think. What one likes is often what the other likes, which gets tricky. For the toddler, you just pray like heck that there is something, somewhere he doesn't already have access to that he'll like.

So what's a mom to do? To some extent, I try to make things somewhat comparable between gifts for the boys. How do I make things "fair" without going crazy in the process?

I found a blog that talked about simple gift giving. This year I'm going to try it and see if it helps. It goes something like this.

Gifts are designated into different categories:

• something they WANT
• something they NEED
• something to WEAR
• something to READ
• something to WATCH
• something to LISTEN TO
• something to PLAY WITH
• something to CREATE

What I like is that these categories are gift giving guidelines. Hopefully they will help keep me organized in my shopping, making it easier to keep things fairly balanced. I have given myself permission to give group gifts and decided the boys aren’t necessarily guaranteed an item in every category. So we shall see how it goes. I'll keep you updated on my experience this year.

P.S. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Weekend Leftovers

Ah, I am so excited that this is a short work week for me. Two and a half days and then four days off! Glorious.

My only concern is that short weeks tend to be more challenging that regular weeks. Somehow, the kids make sure to cram in the usual amount of crazy into the fewer days.

~~~

We have an assembly on Wednesday. The teachers have planned a flash mob dance. That should be interesting. Yikes. I've got some practicing to do!

~~~

Jack is officially a climber. I've caught the boy on the counters and the table. I expect to walk into a room one day and find him swinging from the ceiling.

Thankfully, he has not yet discovered that he could climb his crib. Praying that it takes him a long, long time to figure that one out.

Having a climber is so strange. The big boys didn't do any of this kind of stuff. It's a whole new territory for us.

~~~

Is.aac and I went on a date last weekend. To dinner. Alone. For three hours! It was really nice. We definitely need to do that more often.

It's hard, though, because we don't have anyone to watch the boys. I mean, there's my mom, but she watches them all week long while I'm at work. I feel horrible asking her to watch them on the weekend, too. (She says she doesn't mind, but what's she going to say?)

~~~

I think that Sh.awn is finally potty trained. He has very few accidents here at home, but he refused to go on the potty at my mom's house...where, um, he is at most of the day. We tried our best to recreate the bathroom here at home to no avail.

We had a breakthrough when we allowed him to take his LeapPad into the bathroom with him. LOL. Now, he has no problem going over there. Yeah!

~~~

Sh.awn has been talking about my dad. Says things about him. Stuff he shouldn't know.

I just don't know what to do with that.

I mean, I've asked my mom if she's talked about my dad to the boys. She says she hasn't. I haven't.

So how come Sh.awn's talking about him?

How come he's told me that grandpa is here?

It's unsettling.

~~~

The Shining is on TV. Probably not the best movie to watch right before bed, especially with all the stuff Sh.awn's been saying!

~~~

I had planned to blog everyday during this month. You can see how well I did at that. When things get hard, I tend to go silent.

Yep. Things are hard again.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. She asked if you've noticed if people are not blogging as much lately. I've noticed it. Have you guys?

World Prematurity Day - Part 2

Today was World Prematurity Day. We wore our purple, but I have to say that the weight of how prematurity has affected our lives was heavy on my heart. Each time I looked at my boys with their bright purple shirts, I was reminded.

 

Over and over again all day long it was there.

 

Every single one of their struggles is directly related to their prematurity. All of the scary diagnoses, the complications, the surgeries, and the challenges are from being born too soon.

 

Oh how I wish I could somehow change this one thing in their lives on days like this, somehow give them another week or two to gestate. The "if onlys" are many, and the guilt comes back. How could it not when my body's failure played such a major role in the most influential event of their lives? While the guilt may not be as intense as it used to be, it's still there. I imagine it might always be.

 

But, I know, know in my heart that we are very lucky.

 

I know how very close we came to losing our boys.

 

I am so, so thankful that they are still here.

 

I know just how strong and determine these boys are, and I am so very proud of them.

 

World Prematurity Day

November 17 is World Prematurity Day, a day when we focus on the global (and our very personal) problem of premature birth.

Shawn on the day he was born.
10/27/07

A day when millions of people around the world join together to Honor babies born too soon.

Jason on the day he was born.
He was so, so sick here. :-(

A day we celebrate the tremendous strength and determination our our little fighters.

Isaac's ring on Jason's foot.
It could have easily gone up his entire leg.

Being premature means more than babies are just born small. 

Isaac's ring on a tiny hand.

For more than a million babies each year, prematurity means they won't make it to their first birthday.

Mommy giving Shawn a kiss.
11/4/07

While other parents get to take their newborns home to snuggle and enjoy,

Mommy kissing Jason.
11/4/07

parents of preemies spend days...weeks...or like in our case, months sitting at their babies' bedside

Daddy meeting his boy for the first time.
Shawn

wishing, praying, hoping, and pleading that their babies get well enough to come home.

Daddy meeting his second boy.
Jason

On November 17, we'll be wearing purple to remember the battle we faced because of prematurity.

Daddy holding Shawn for the first time.

We'll be wearing purple in honor of all very special preemies in our lives.

Mommy holding Jason for the first time.

Please join us in wearing purple to show your awareness of the millions of premature babies world wide and to honor the preemie babies in your life.

~~~

The post I wrote for last year's World Prematurity Day.
The post I wrote for 2010's World Prematurity Day.

Getting Excited About Christmas

I've always wanted to get those picture Christmas cards that everyone else sends. This year, we're sending them out, too. :-)

I accidentally found a groupon for 53% off, which literally allowed me to splurge. I'm so excited!

Morning Conversations

I'm sharing this on the boys' blog later today, but it was too cute not to share here, too. :-)

~~~

Overheard in our bedroom at the crack of dawn this morning...

J: (whispering) Shawn, come here.

S: (whispering) Are mommy and daddy awake yet?

J: No. You go to the left and wake up daddy, and I'll go to the right and wake up mommy.

S: But I want to wake up mommy.

J: No, I do.

Daddy: Shhhh...

J: (whispering again) You're supposed to go wake up daddy.

S: Awww...I'm so justappointed. (my guess is this meant he was "just disappointed")

J: Ok. You go wake up mommy.

~~~

And so the conspiracy begins...

Wait. Who am I trying to kid?

The conspiracy continues!

Thankful in November

If you’ve been on Facebook or read blogs over the last few days, you know that it is Thankful November. The month when people count their blessings in posts, since it is the month of Thanksgiving.

There is so much in my life for which to be thankful--my husband, my family, my family, my friends, and my life.

And of course, I am thankful for these brothers...

my Sh.awn, my Ja.son, and my Jack.

I am so very thankful for these boys who bring me such joy!*



*Keeping it real by saying they have been know to bring me a bit lot of frustration on some days, too. lol

Friday Night Leftovers

Oh man. I'm tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep and never wake up feeling rested. Sigh. I suppose I should make an appointment to get some blood work done. I'm guessing something is off somewhere--probably back to dealing with my pesky anemia. (It's been an issue all of my life.)

~~~

My fatigue will not be helped by the field trip I am taking kids on tomorrow. It's to a football game. At night. With 80 kids. We are not scheduled to get back until 12:30 am.

I know! What was I thinking?!!?

I do have to say that these trips sound a lot less ominous when they get planned way back in June. For some reason I always forget that I'd rather not go when the trip gets here.

~~~

The boys have not had PT for two weeks. Both of their PT's are on juries. One is almost finished--I think she'll be back next week. The other is going to be gone at least two more weeks.

The hard part is that there is only one other PT in the afternoons. In order to get them in to make up the appointments the boys are missing, we'd have to take time off of work. I just can't justify taking off a half day of work two times a week for a half an hour PT session.

I understand there isn't much to be done about the whole thing, but it's annoying.

~~~

Have I ever mentioned the aunt here? Is.aac has a retired Army drill sergeant aunt who just loves to come visit us. That in itself is all well and good, but she likes to say rude things to me ("You look so much better now that you've put on all of this weight, St.acie." yep. She said that to my face.) and Is.aac's man parts tend to shrivel and die while she's here. He simply loses his ability to think when she is around, which drives me up the wall because I have to be the one to deal with his aunt.

Anyway, the woman is coming to town this week. She is hinting at wanting to hold a family get together at our house next weekend. She is used to getting her way and doesn't ever hear anything that goes against what she thinks/wants to do. But the part that drives me the craziest is that she never directly asks for what she wants. She just plays these annoying games as she tries to get you to do whatever. I am playing stupid to deflect her plans.

Now if I can keep her from talking to Is.aac while I'm not there, we'll be successful. Wish me luck.

~~~

The last round of TB testing is this week. Both mom and my brother have to go back to get retests. (Ha. I just wrote retestes. Made me laugh.) My grandma is still on the meds, but they've dropped down the medication she's on from 9 pills a day to 3. She is feeling so much better now that she's off most of the pills. The side effects from one of the meds made her feel nauseated all the time. She got to stop that med thankfully. She is almost done taking the other meds, too.

 Then the whole drama will be over and done with. Yea.

And no, they still have not conclusively decided if she ever had TB in the first place. Grr.

~~~

My kids rock. They are so funny lately!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. I am so glad she decided to keep the Leftovers going!

Happy Halloween (A Day Late)

A day late, but the wish is still sincere. I hope you all had a fun filled Halloween.

My crew certainly did. We went to the mall again to trick-or-treat. They loved, loved, loved talking to the people in the stores and getting candy. lol. Jason had so much fun he tried to go to sleep with his bag. He was so excited about having real. live. candy! Shawn just wanted to stop to chat with every single person he saw. He is such a charmer. And Jack...well, he just goes with the flow. ;-)

Once again, though, I needed to remember my lesson about not setting my expectations ahead of time. Things rarely go as I have them in my head, yet we always seem to have a good time anyway. The hard part is that it takes my anxiety ratcheting up a few notches before I realize it is time to let things go. (Oh how I yearn to control everything.) When I relax, things are so much easier (and more fun) for us all. I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Jack - Popeye
We got so many comments about his costume!
He didn't wear the muscle arms while we were out. I
just drew anchors on his arms with eye liner then.
Of course, I then couldn't get the eye liner off of his skin
later that evening, but it looked cute while we were out.

Jay - Jeff Gordon
"Mommy, this costume makes my underwear go in
my butt." I almost died from laughter. I got to teach
the boy the term, "merf." lol

Sh.awn was Woody
He only wore the hat for 2% of the night
Picture taking was not during that 2% of time. Sigh.

Our Wish

Our wish for Shawn and Jason...



Such a fun year. Can't wait to see what year 6 brings us!

Happy Birthday, Sh.awn and Ja.son!

Today the dynamic duo turned 5.

FIVE!

This morning they both got into bed with us for a little snuggle time. I asked them if they felt any different today, now that they are FIVE. Sh.awn gave me a dismissive "uh huh," but Ja.son thought about it for a minute before he answered.

"I feel bigger," he said.

Oh, how right he was.

I'm not sure how it happened, but my little preemies are bigger now.

They are more of everything now.

These two pound miracles are stronger, more determined, smarter, funnier, sweeter...

more amazing than I could have ever dreamed possible.

They've brought so much light into our lives, changed us in so many wonderful ways. We are incredibly lucky to be their parents.

I can't wait to see what our future holds with these boys and their brother in it!

 

Sh.awn - 5 years old!

Ja.son - 5 years old!

Sh.awn's giving us the high 5!

It's a 5 for Jay, too!

Happy 5th Birthday, Sh.awn and Ja.son!

Weekend Leftovers

Today was the boys' birthday party. 35 people RSVP'ed. Only 10 people showed--all of them were adults. The only kids at the party were ours.

The boys developed a congested sounding cough Wednesday. I hoped it would improve some by Friday, but it didn't. So, I messaged the people who RSVP'ed to let them know that the boys were coughing, but it wasn't something I would keep them home from school with because they acted fine otherwise. I figured that it was the thing to do because sure as shit would I have been upset to get to a party to find that everyone was sick. Anyway, one family (with a 36 week preemie) decided to back out. I was totally okay with that. Another family said that their youngest had been battling a fever for a few days and that they wouldn't come because they didn't want to get anyone sick. Every single family with kids we'd invited (except for the preemie family) had one or more sick child and couldn't come.

Sigh.

I admit that I was a bit upset at first about the people not coming. I so wanted the boys to have a good time--I worried that the lack of kids would put a damper on the fun.

After a while, I just decided to roll with it.

I have to say that it was a LOT of fun. The people who did come were people who were important in our lives. They fawned all over the boys. The boys were literally the center of the party, which in turn made them beam the entire afternoon. Jason even declared the party the best EVER. lol

Good food (lots of it with all the no shows) + yummy cupcakes (6 dozen minis because I also couldn't change that order so late) + great people = success!

Plus, I didn't have to worry about other kids getting their germs all over the boys' toys. :-)

I need to make roll with it my motto. Usually when I do, things work out okay in the end.

~~~

I took the day off on Friday to clean the house for the party. I think the last time I thoroughly cleaned was for Jack's party at the start of April. Yikes.

I think my cobwebs had cobwebs.

Nothing like a good cleaning to remind a person how much of a slob she (her family) really is.

~~~

The student we took to lunch earlier in the school year has started to decline. It's heartbreaking to watch someone self destruct the way he is and not be able to stop it. :(

~~~

Stop b Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Awwww...

I think I found our Christmas card photo! :)

Residual

If there is one annoying residual from my experiences over the last five years, it would be my complete disdain for making plans.

Honestly, I try to avoid making plans at all costs. It is really bad.

I hate making plans ahead of time. I know it is my PTSD controlling me, but I can't help it. I got so afraid of making plans because it seemed that every single time I did, something would happen. Now while the rational part of me knows that isn't the case, my heart can tick off the times when our plans went south.

We got an invite to a cousin's kid's first birthday for this Saturday. I couldn't bring myself to RSVP until the very last minute, and when I finally did commit I just knew I was pissing off fate.

Sure enough, Sh.awn started throwing up this evening.

I HATE it when he throws up. Ugh.

The good news (if you can call it that) is it looks like he has a fever, too. (Which for us makes it more likely that this is a bug of some kind rather than his head.)

But, this is not something my psyche needs to deal with right now. I could do without any more scab picking at this particular moment.

Keep on keeping on, right?

17 Days...

On this day, five years ago, Baby A's (Sh.awn's) sack ruptured. I was exactly 26 weeks pregnant.

The countdown to the boys' birth is on...

I'd be lying if I said that wasn't one of the scariest times in my life - a time filled with fear and stress. And while the date doesn't have the same emotional hold on me, I guess it says something that the day itself still stands out on the calendar. I know it's coming, and I most certainly know it's here.

Now, rather than focus on the feelings from then, I focus on the joy those two little men sleeping in the next room bring to our lives.

I marvel in how much they've accomplished in their lives, things that some might have said would never happen.

I revel in pride.

Today I focus on my amazing boys. We may not know what the future holds, but we do know we're going to face it with strength and determination!

In 17 days, my big boys are going to be 5.

Wow.

~~~

Last night, on Parenthood, there was a scene where the entire family was at the baseball field watching one of the boys play ball. The boy sat most of the game in the dugout until the grandfather went to the coach and demanded the boy get to play. The coach relented, allowing the boy to finally be called up to the plate. On the boy's third pitch, he hit the ball and ultimately scored a home run while the entire family cheered him on.

Oh how I cried.

We did baseball when I was a kid. (I was even on a Little League team for first and second grade. That's how into baseball my family was.) My older brothers played until they aged out of the league, my dad was an umpire for the league, and my mom managed the concession stand, so we spent many hours at the field as a family.

I guess that was how I pictured my life would be when I had kids. We'd live at the field during baseball season like my family did when I was little. I'd sit in the stands and cheer my boys on as they raced around the bases. We'd head to the local pizza joint to celebrate with the team after a hard fought win.

Last night, it struck me that we'd not have those kind of family memories.

My heart ached with a crushing intensity, and I cried like a little baby over a silly little dream.

Sigh.

I think I have it all under control (maybe I mostly do?), but there are days when the scab over the loss of what I expected our lives to be is ripped off. It takes a bit of bleeding before I can build the scab up again, I suppose.

~~~

I was still feeling pretty raw when I went to pick up the boys for therapy. There's nothing quite like the assault of reality on already fragile emotions, right?

Imagine my surprise when I discovered the therapists had created a mini baseball game for the boys to play today.

It was all I could do to hold myself together as I watched them hit a ball off a tee and run around the bases.

I still get emotional thinking about it now.

Unknowingly, the boys' therapists gave me the salve for my bleeding heart.

I so needed a reminder that while things may not be the way I pictured them, they are still pretty damn amazing.

I really do have so MUCH to be thankful for in my life.

A Quick This and That

So, as of yesterday, I was a week late.

Today I am not.

Except that this is one fierce AF. I am trying not to think anything about it, but...sigh. I wish it stayed away.

~~~

Nick Jr. has seriously ticked me off. Once again they changed their lineup and have thrown our routine to hell. (And don't judge that our routine is ruled by the television. Ahem)

In the place of a nice Yo Gabba, Gabba, which is the cue to my boys that bed awaits, they put some awful NickMom crap. At 7 pm.

Awesome. Not.

~~~

Jack walked independently today. Finally. I may have scared the shit out of him when I started to holler and jump all over the room was pretty excited to say the least. :-)

I am still going to postpone his 18 month well baby (scheduled for Friday) until the end of the month. I don't need the freaking stress over it. Fingers crossed that he'll be terrorizing the house by then, okay?

~~~

Lastly, I am totally traumatized over this. Totally. I will never look at pigs the same way again!

Friday Night Leftovers

The week of birthdays is over. I think (hope) that my mom and Is.aac felt adequately celebrated on their special days. Both were quiet affairs with little fanfare, just the way both liked it.

The big boys have been thrilled to eat so much cake over the last week. Oh man, do they both have a sweet tooth when it comes to cake!

Now I need to switch gears and get ready for the big boys' birthday next month!

~~~

It's time to buy all the boys new shoes. I printed off a shoe size chart off the net so I can get an idea of what I'd need to get, and well...I was shocked.

Ja.son was wearing a size 9 wide (toddler) shoe. According to the chart, he really needs a 12! Oops. Jack was no better. He needs shoes 2 sizes larger than his current ones. Only Sh.awn's size was somewhat close. His current shoes were only off by a half a size.

One of three isn't too bad, now is it? Sigh.

~~~

Tomorrow, I get to go on a girls' night out with some friends. We're doing an afternoon movie and dinner. I am almost giddy with excitement!

Giddy!

~~~

We're taking pictures next Saturday! I can't wait.

~~~

Work continues to kick my butt. Grades were due this week, which is always a stressful time for me.

Plus, there are a few issues that have popped up that have left me pretty uncomfortable.

One in particular has left a bad taste in my mouth. I was asked told to "tattle" on another teacher. From a union standpoint, that is a big time no, no. From a personal standpoint, I struggle with the idea that my leader has asked me to do something knowing full well that it is highly frowned upon. It is unethical to ask me to work and collaborate with my colleagues with one breath, and then turn around and ask me to police the very people with whom I am expected to work.

I haven't done what I was asked to do yet while I work on a way to address my concerns in a way that won't backfire on me (which I suspect it will). But, I've been asked about it three times, so I'll have to do something soon.

Not fun. Not fun at all.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Friday Night Leftovers

I hate that I keep getting lost in my head. Do you guys do that? Keep thinking the same things over and over for days until you finally come to some sort of ... conclusion (even though it doesn't exactly feel like an end) and the thoughts fade away just as quickly as they arrived?

No?

That's just me?

Alrighty then. I guess there you go. I'm a nut.

~~~

This week is a crazy one for us. My mom's birthday is Sunday. Is.aac's birthday is Wednesday. I am once again left unprepared for either birthday. Neither of them have any ideas for what they might want or do for their birthdays, which I hate. I wish they'd both just say they want to do xy or z so I don't have to try to read their minds. Grr.

~~~

iPhone 5 - yea or nay? Thoughts? I'm leaning toward nay. I think. Maybe.

~~~

The great toy purge 2012 is underway. OMG do these boys have a lot of junk. They don't need it. They don't play with most of the crap anyway. But they are fighting me at every opportunity! Listening to them would make you think that I am getting rid of their best friend.

Jeez. I've bred hoarders! lol

~~~

Sh.awn is going through this "only mommy can do anything for me" phase. It is wearing me out. Only I can take him to the potty. He'll only let me get him in bed. He doesn't want Is.aac to have anything to do with him if he can help it. Sigh.

Mostly it is at least okay, but this week has been rough. He's been whinier than normal and has been a lot more demanding of my attention. The clincher was this morning at 5 am when he started calling for me. I rushed in there, which I have to do because he has been known to need our help in the middle of the night, only to have him ask if he could get out of bed. Gah. I got him settled, got back and bed, and finally fell back asleep for him to call me again at 6. I went in and settled him. By then it was too late for me to go back to sleep before work.

Sh.awn was able to go back to sleep, though. So NOT fair!

I am not a morning person on the best of days. Get me up two hours earlier than normal, and I am not a happy camper. Just saying.

~~~

Highs and Lows of the week:

• Work issues are frustrating me. - Low.
• The CDC gave my grandmother the go ahead to travel and reduce her meds dramatically this week. (This is after they backtracked and said she couldn't stop taking them like they said she could after they failed to get a sample for retesting.) The whole thing was causing her to be quite depressed, so I hope this will lift her spirits some. - High.
• Ja.son's night terrors are back. - Low.
• The boys continue to be rock stars and all around amazing. - High.
• I found outfits for the boys to wear for pictures in two weeks. - High.
• I've started planning for their 5th birthday party! It's going to be a Matchbox Cars party. OMG. How can they be nearly 5? - High.

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Always More

It's Saturday afternoon. The boys are all in quiet time (which frankly is no longer quiet exactly and more like time). I'm sitting here enjoying the calm. Man, it's so nice to just be for a bit--to not feel like there are a million things that need to be done right! this! minute!

I long for these moments.

~~~

Earlier, I watched my neighbor herding her two boys into the car for yet another exciting weekend. I had a pang of jealousy as I watched them go.

I don't know how she does it. She's a teacher, too. It's likely she's just as tired as I am by the time the weekend comes, but she is always moving with her brood, always on the go at every opportunity.

They do so much while we are on the other end of the spectrum. Her FB page is filled with descriptions of their escapades. We don't do camping trips or street fairs or other such things. Sometimes it feels like we don't do anything at all. Our wild adventures entail trips to Target, crafts or playing in the backyard.

And while our lives aren't the same by any stretch of the word, I still worry if we are doing enough for our boys. It's harder to get my trio out and about the way she does. At least that's what I tell myself. But on days like this, I'm left wondering if I use that as an excuse to just not do. Why is it so much harder for us? Other people manage to do those things, right? My neighbor certainly does.

I get that "the grass is greener" mentality is always dangerous. I also know that the boys are far from deprived of fun and enriching experiences (hello playing in the mud today!).

Still, I just can't shake the feeling that I should be doing more (always more) to give them the best childhood I can.

I hate that feeling like I haven't done enough, that I am failing them in some way.

I can't let them down again.

Sigh.

Bye, Bye Curls

Well, his curls are gone. The last link to babydom has now been clipped away...

Sniff, sniff, sniff.

I can't tell you how sad that makes me. He's growing so fast. My heart struggles to keep up with him.

It was so hard to make that first cut.

All smiles after his cut is done.

Hamming it up for the camera.

 

 

A little glimpse of the sides.





 

Friday Night Leftovers

If you can believe it, I made it through the week without a single kid getting up the nerve to ask about my eye. lol. Here's hoping that it will be faded drastically by Monday. It does make me feel really self-conscious!

~~~

On the plus side, I had the perfect excuse to get some new sunglasses! Apparently I have a weakness for expensive things. Ahem.

~~~

Jack's hair is getting crazy, yet I can't bring myself to cut away his sweet little curls. It is time, though. So, a goal for this weekend is to get the deed over and done. :-(

~~~

I booked photo mini-session for early October. I'm hoping that we'll be able to get some nice 5 year old photos of the big boys. Maybe a family photo for a Christmas card too, if we're lucky.

Holy heck. They're going to be 5 at the end of next month. OMG.

~~~

My mom and brother have had the official negative reading on the whole TB scare. Thank goodness. They will have to go back to get a repeat skin test in November just to ensure that their last exposure didn't infect them, but I think we all know that that test will be negative also.

Not a single other person outside of my grandmother's siblings tested positive. (Again, it's thought they were exposed when my great-grandmother had TB when they were kids.) None of the siblings had positive x-rays. Such good news.

~~~

I have a student who is trying so, so, SO hard to do well this year. He was literally a hairs width away from expulsion last year, so this is a HUGE accomplishment.

Myself, two of his teachers, and the counselor took him to lunch today to recognize his hard effort to succeed this year. (Seriously, the change has been amazing.)

The boy just ate up the attention and beamed the entire time we were gone. I know he had fun and appreciated every moment.

Watching him while we were out simultaneously filled my heart while it made it ache. He comes from such a challenged home life...he should have family that takes him to lunch to celebrate his hard work. There is not even really someone who will notice what he's doing at his home.

I hope that he is able to remember the feeling from today when he is tempted to just throw it all away and give up.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. :-)

My Children Are Out to Get Me. Again. Still?

We are an accident prone bunch. With all of these boys around here, it almost can't be helped. Someone is ALWAYS getting hurt, tripping over something/someone, walking into a wall, getting a bruise...you name it, someone is doing it.

Fine. I'll confess. Usually that someone is me.

Much of the time, it is not really all that big of a problem. The injured party sigh I just shake off that moment's pain and move on (to the next one). I've even gotten pretty good at anticipating their moves before they happen, which has saved me from plenty of injuries for sure. Still, there are times when I don't quite act fast enough or they catch me off guard.

There was the time that I got a head butt in the chin that ruptured my eardrum.

There was that other time when a toy was thrown and I SWEAR it broke my foot.  There wasn't time to go to the doctor, so I can't really say if it was broken for certain, but I could hardly walk on it for what seemed like weeks..

I've had pulled back muscles and strained neck muscles from lifting and playing with the boys.

There was a broken toe when I kicked the wall rushing to quiet a screaming boy in the middle of the night.

It was bad enough at one point that I used to joke that my kids were out to get me.

There is only so much bobbing and weaving a person can do before she is ultimately caught. This weekend was my time. I fell prey to yet another injury--a chin to the eye.

Believe it or not, this thing is already 4 days old. It was
much more prominent on Monday morning.

I am now sporting a nice black eye. (this is a horrible picture of me with no makeup, but you can see the initial point of impact and the nice black under my eye)

It's been fun at work this week. The kids aren't quite sure what to think of my bruise, and they are not sure enough of me yet to ask. I've found it's pretty funny to watch them try to skirt around the topic to see if I'll volunteer any information. I haven't yet. Lol.

I almost don't want to explain it and let them think what they will. Maybe it will up my street cred some? ;-)

I don't know, but I do know telling them I got beat up by a 4 year old is not going to do it!