I've been thinking about this topic for awhile now, but have been unable to decide whether I wanted to blog about it or not. And to be honest, I am really not sure where my feelings will stand on the topic until I actually write it out, so I have no idea where exploring this idea will take me...

Several days back, I read a post by Erica at The Dunn Family. The title of her post is "Why it's great to be an infertile..." I have to say that once I read that title, my emotions were already all over the place. Why would anyone think being an infertile is great? I can honestly say that I have NEVER thought that being infertile and having to have help to conceive is a great thing. In my experience, being infertile has brought with it more pain than I would have thought humanly possible, two miscarriages, hundreds of shots, a host of drugs that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and an incredible amount of cash--because, course, infertility treatments aren't covered by my insurance.

(The great thing about blogland is that there is always something to think about!)

Erica starts her post by saying that she was at first upset because she wasn't one of those lucky people who can easily get pregnant; that most likely, her family was complete, not because she didn't want any more children, but because she couldn't afford all of the procedures it took to get her pregnant in the first place. And then the tone of her post changed. She is lucky. She has twins that she most likely wouldn't have conceived them if she didn't do fertility treatments. God, I envy her perspective.

A fellow blogger friend, RC (who you really should check out if you haven't yet), has told me that everything is all a matter of perspective. Ahhhh, perspective.

Twins. I probably wouldn't have the twins without being an infertile either. How can I say that the twins are anything but great? I love them with a ferocity I didn't know I had. To get to the twins, I would have had to go through this roller coaster of a journey. To get to the twins, I had to have two miscarriages. To get to the twins, I had to do shots and have the entire world look up my hoo-ha. I suppose, that by taking these things into perspective, I am okay with infertility (not happy, but okay).

That being said, I struggle with the whole idea of the twins, too. Don't get me wrong. I do not, for one second, ever want you to think that I do not thank my lucky stars each and every day for my wonderful boys. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I am truly happy. I love the idea of the boys being twins and having that bond that nothing can break. I love that they seem to go through things together--an all for one, one for all type of thing. I know they will be friends for life, and I am so happy that I was able to give them that! But, and it seems there is always a but, I wonder if things would have been so difficult for them, for all of us, had I not been pregnant with twins in the first place.

Had I not been infertile, I would most likely not ever have had twins, and would have had one baby at a time. I believe that I wouldn't have delivered at 28 weeks; I believe my baby would have come home with me straight from the hospital just like they do for everyone else. I believe that I wouldn't have been on bed rest for the two and a half months. I believe that I wouldn't be scared to death every time my baby does something quirky and come to the conclusion that all of this had to have affected him in a negative way (my new fear is cerebral palsy).

What about the boys, you might ask.

I've thought a lot about the concept of a baby's soul during this trying to conceive journey, especially when I had my two miscarriages. After playing different scenarios in my head over and over, I think it is interesting that I had twins after the two miscarriages. I believe the souls of my boys were destined to be in our family, whether they came at the same time or a different times. I don't think that the boys had to come together for me to have the boys I have. Their souls would have joined my family no matter what, and the more I think about it, the more I am convinced that these two little souls in my precious boys are the very same souls that would have joined us if I had never miscarried in the first place. Does that make sense?

So am I glad that I am infertile? I honestly say no. The path of infertility has made me who I am, and I am grateful for that in a strange way. It has proven to me that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for. I was blessed with the boys--and I do love that they are twins even though I struggle with it. And, I understand that Erica's intention was most likely to find the positive in something that is so hard. Her twins are her gift from infertility, as my twins are mine. I am sure that her perspective is probably much healthier than mine, but I can't seem to quite get there.

But still, I am not glad that I am infertile. There is really no good reason why some people need to be infertile in this world. Just like there is no reason for someone else to be ill, have someone they love die an untimely death, or anything else. These things happen, and it is our job to deal with them, even if we don't understand why we should have to in the first place.

AMS at Our Own Creation has herself been looking for meaning. Her story is not the happy ending after fertility treatments, and my heart goes out to her. She is asking "Why?" like I am, but her why is a whole lot bigger than mine. I don't have anything to be questioning "Why?" about, I have the boys, right?

Again, there is that perspective thing.

But still I ask the question, sometimes as often as once a day. Other times, the question is forgotten for several days or a week. The question always comes back to haunt me, though. "Why?"

AMS has listed several quotes and asked us to write about the one that inspires us the most. When I read this quote,

“There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half-full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half-empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: ‘What’s up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don’t think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!’ “Terry Pratchett

it spoke to me for obvious reasons. I am among those who are saying, "What is up with this glass?"

My glass should be full. My kids should be healthy (and I have nothing but fear that says that they aren't). I shouldn't have to have help to have more kids. I want the bigger glass already, dammit!

I know that I am still struggling with grief, even four months from the time the boys were born. I am still grieving all of the stuff I missed/lost. Is it healthy? Most certainly not. Can I seem to get over it? No. I am grieving that full glass. I am grieving what I can't have. I can't quite figure out why.

Is it because there are still so many unknowns? Is it because I am just a big baby? Is it that I am going through some sort of post traumatic stress?

I am sure it sounds like I should just get over it. I should just be happy for what I have and let this all go. (and I really am) I know there are so many who still struggle to get anywhere near this place. I need to have a paradigm change in my perspective, but how do I get there. This type of blogging is the start, right?

And with that, I think I am going to stop. I told you that I wasn't sure where this post would end, and I am not sure that it cleared anything up in my head either. The good news is that maybe now that I have put this out to the blogosphere, maybe I can stop running this over and over in my mind. Maybe.

We're 4 Months Old!

Geez. Where did the time go? Wasn't it just yesterday that they were born? Yikes!

This post is dedicated to milestones. I hate these things, and I make myself crazy when I think about them. Nevertheless, think about them, I do. So, here it goes...

Actual Age is 4 months old.

Adjusted Age is 5 weeks 2 days old.

One Month:

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Lifts head when lying on tummy (both can do this)
• Responds to sound (both do this)
• Stares at faces (both do this although Jason likes to stare you down)

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Follows objects briefly with eyes (both can do this)
• Vocalizes: oohs and aahs (there is some of this, but not a lot)
• Can see black-and-white patterns (umm, not sure how I can tell--but, I do know they can see!)

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Smiles, laughs (Jason smiles but doesn't laugh. Shawn's smiles are gas smiles. The pediatrician says that he should be smiling by 8 weeks after his due date, so he still has time to get there before I totally freak out.)
• Holds head at 45-degree angle (both can do this)

Two Months:

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Vocalizes: gurgles and coos (they both vocalize, but not a lot. Still I am giving them credit for this one.)
• Follows objects across field of vision (yes for both)
• Notices his hands (well, yes for both I think. They both will push the bottle away with their hands in a very deliberate way, so that leads me to believe they know their hands are there and will use them. They both also suck on their hands.)
• Holds head up for short periods (yes for both)

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Smiles, laughs (Jason smiles but doesn't laugh. Shawn's smiles are gas smiles)
• Holds head at 45-degree angle (yes for both)
• Makes smoother movements (Shawn makes smoother movements than Jason. Jason still seems a little wobbly)

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Holds head steady (yes for both although Shawn's is more steady than Jason's)
• Can bear weight on legs (yes for both although Shawn is able to hold himself up for longer)
• Lifts head and shoulders when lying on tummy (mini-push up) (yes for both)

Three Months:

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Recognizes your face and scent (How do you know if they know your scent? They do recognize me and Isaac.)
• Holds head steady (again yes and no)
• Visually tracks moving objects (yes for both)

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Squeals, gurgles, coos (There is some cooing for both. No squeals and no gurgles for either.)
• Blows bubbles (Does spitting formula at me count? If so, then yes for both. If not, then that is a no.)
• Recognizes your voice (yes for both)
• Does mini-push up (yes for both)

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Rolls over, from tummy to back (Big freaking Yes for BOTH of them! Proud mommy, here!)
• Turns toward loud sounds (Jason turned toward the television today when he heard a siren blaring. Shawn will, on occasion, also turn toward noises.)
• Can bring hands together, bats at toys (Both will bring their hands together, but they don't bat at toys yet. They do bat at the bottle.)

Four Months:

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)
• Smiles, laughs (Jason smiles but doesn't laugh. Shawn's smiles are gas smiles)
• Can bear weight on legs (yes for both)
• Coos when you talk to him (Jason yes sometimes, Shawn no.)

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)
• Can grasp a toy (no for both)
• Rolls over, from tummy to back (Still a big freaking Yes for BOTH of them!)

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
• Imitates sounds: "baba," "dada" (no for both)
• Cuts first tooth (maybe Jason is getting ready to because he has been more fussy than usual. I don't see any physical signs in his mouth yet, though.)
• May be ready for solid foods (Don't know about this one. I bet Jason will be all over solids when he gets them. I am not so sure about Shawn.)

Strengths:

Shawn:
• Can roll over from tummy to back both ways.

• Can hold his own weight when he stands for pretty long periods of time.

• He has pretty good control over his muscles and has fairly smooth movements.

• He has begun to coo, although it is infrequent.


Jason:
• Smiles.

• Maintains eye contact for long periods of time.

• Has begun to coo, slightly more often than his brother.

• He eats pretty well and is gaining weight well.


Areas to work on:

Shawn:
• smiling
• cooing and vocalizing more
• grasping at things
• eating more at each feed and gaining weight!

Jason:
• cooing and vocalizing more
• smoother movements
• grasping at things

• holding his weight when standing

All in all, I declare the boys geniuses! I am quite happy with how they are progressing, especially when you take into account that they aren't even two months old adjusted yet! I hope they continue to do as well as they have done so far.

Morning Sunshine...

Jason's first smiles (on camera)...

He's now smiling for something other than gas! I can't tell you how excited that makes me. I am so in love!

The memorial is today. School is dismissing early so students can go. I am going, but I am having trouble wrapping my mind around that idea...

It still makes me so sad to think about it all.

A two post kind of day...

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Congrats to Neenie, who gave birth to her little boy yesterday after 10 weeks of hospital bed rest. She will make an incredible mom, and her little one is a lucky little dude!

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Look out, this will be a husband vent.



He won't be taking the two week paternity leave like he promised. Seems that his work, who pays him far less than he is worth in my opinion, is giving him a hard time about leaving at such a critical time. You know, it is such a surprise that the babies are here and all. It isn't like they had any warning for a few months that they would come home. Stupid people.



Bring a computer to the house and work from home for a few hours a day was a suggestion. No, the programs he needs are networked and they won't supply him with hard copies for a computer.



Modified work schedule? No, that won't work "blah, blah, blah".



Of course, Isaac acts like he hasn't said anything to his work about how totally illegal and unfair it is.



Needless to say, I am royally pissed. This has had us fighting (barely speaking) for a few days now, and I don't see an end in sight. The way I see it, the babies will only be little once. His stupid job will always be there (unfortunately).



Once again, he has chosen work instead of his family. Can you tell that this has been an issue before?



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On a baby note, the boys snore horribly. I am holding Jason right now as I type, and he is snoring so loud I can hardly think. Shawn is snoring. The cats snore. My husband snores. Ugg. I am surrounded.



The babies are eating like horses. They want to eat every two hours, and I am slowly going insane. I have tried holding out for three+ hours, and they barely eat. And of course, the rediculously priced formula they eat only comes in the little can or in liquid form. The liquid is way too expensive. The little can only lasts for two days. Yikes.



The pediatrician has said they have to eat at least twice their weight in ounces. For Shawn, that would make about 18 ounces a day. It is a good day when he gets there. He still has some issues with feedings. Without the Zan.tac, he would have probably starved to death already. Jason should eat 20 or more ounces a day, and the boy is taking in about 22 and more. I have no idea how much he weighs now. I do know that he is leaving Shawn in the dust in the weight category.



I can't get them to take more than 2 1/2 - 3 ounces a feeding. Jason will sometimes go to 3 1/2 ounces, but that isn't often. Any suggestions on how to get them to eat more at a time?

Things are slowly returning to some semblance of "normal" in the aftermath of the shooting, although there are many questions about what "normal" means from here on out. The media has finally left, which makes things a little less stressful for everyone. I have to say that watching my students break down when asked about what happened on television nightly didn't do much to help me heal--and most certainly didn't help the students.

Last night, there was a parent meeting at the local high school. The call is for more security. There was talk of police officers roaming the halls and metal detectors at all of the entrances. Interestingly, not much was said about the need to teach tolerance. I am not sure if that is because they feel that we are already attempting that, or if they could care less about that part of the issue.

I am not convinced that extra security will do much. If someone wants to do something like this again, all of the precautions in the world won't stop someone that determined to cause pain for others.

I am hoping that all of the extra security pushing will die down as time seperates us from what happened. I am not a big fan of seeing security guards in the hallways or having to go through metal detectors when I come and go. I believe that this was an isolated incident and not an indication of what will go on for the rest of time. Do you think that is wishful thinking?

A new development has entered the picture for those of us who work at the school (and that includes me even though I wasn't there that day). The district's insurance company is working double time, trying to salvage any possibility of not being sued for all they've got. We've been directed to not speak to anyone about any of this without them or our union representation present. (they specifically told us media and lawyers, so I will continue to vent here semi-annonymously)

The district has also started their attempt to investigate the role staff may have had with the incident. You know, it wasn't stressful enough around work as it was. The feeling is that the district is looking to finger point, and that is never a good thing. You know things are tense when you find emails like this in your inbox:

"Our district’s lawyer was there and mentioned that we may be called for fact-finding interviews (to protect us and the district). She cautioned us to not talk to anyone else, but to direct any inquiries to (the superintendent).

If admin wants impromptu meeting for info, ask for your union reps. They have had our classes covered before so we can be with you. If there’s time, contact union officers to be with you also to protect YOUR rights."

I have been to work several times this past week for the various debriefings and so forth. I have also gone to give hugs and love to a few of my friends who have been directly involved in what is going on there. I am amazed by them. They have been through hell, and still they continue for the kids. I am truly surrounded by the best people in the world.

If you can believe it, all of this has made me want to go back to work (not that I didn't want to in the first place, but the desire is much more intense now). I have been thinking that I will return after spring break (April 21) for the rest of the year. The good thing about that is that I won't have to pay $900 for my benefits for the summer months, and I will get credit for working this school year and get my scheduled raise next year. Raises are always a good thing!

Updated at bottom--

At least once a day, I come on here to update the blog. And then I reread my last post. And then I can't update.

The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. They are charging my student as an adult--murder 1, use of a fire arm to commit a crime, and a hate crime special circumstance. He has been 14 for three weeks and 1 day. At 14, you can be tried as an adult. If he was 13, he would be unable to think as an adult. Three weeks later, he is. I am struggling with that. He is looking at life. I struggle with that even more.

My sweet, always polite, and incredibly funny student is looking at life in prison.

I think about him off and on throughout the day. Was there something that I missed? Was he a ticking time bomb ready to go off while I had him?

I think the answer is no. Whatever happened to him occurred this school year.

The story is starting to be pieced together from bits of information we get from students and teachers. All of it is sad. The saddest part is that the other students knew something might happen and NO ONE said anything to an adult at school. One of our counselors had talked to the victim just minutes before he was shot (and she was just a few feet away from all of this when it occurred), and he said nothing about whatever was going on between him and the shooter. A different counselor had talked to the shooter a few days before (because of a schedule change he had just got) and he said nothing about an issue with the victim.

I read what the newspapers say and hear what is aired on the television, and it all slants toward the suspect being a horrible kid. They call him a bully and say he was full of hate for the victim. I feel bad when I want to defend him. He did, afterall, kill someone. Apparently planned that he was going to do it, too. How can I defend someone who does that?

And then I remember him as my student. And I remember how totally out of character this action was for him. We are all shocked by him choosing to do this. I want to go see him (although I do realize that isn't wise at this point). A big part of me wants to tell him that I don't think he is a bad person--he is a person who made a horrible decision, did a horrible act, but he isn't a horrible person. But is that possible?**

And I ask why? Why would he throw his life away like this? Do I really want to know the answer to that? I guess I don't really. What difference would it make? The victim would still be dead. My student would still be going to prison for murder. My school would still be known as an unsafe place. The wonderful teachers at the school would still be questioning everything they have done this year and all they will do for the remainder. Everyone is hurting. Knowing why he did this won't take that pain away from anyone.

Sigh.

Thank you for sticking with me while I sort all of this out in my head. I am using this blog to work through all of this.

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I haven't written about the boys here for the past few days because I don't really want to connect them to this topic. It somehow makes me feel dirty to do so. I did put some cute pictures up on the other blog if you would like to pop over for an update there. Just remember that the people in real life don't know about this blog, and I definitely want to keep it that way.

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**Strangely, we had read a novel, Whirli.gig, in his class that dealt with the issue of whether something you do makes you a bad person. He enjoyed the story, and the class had some rather lively discussions about that theme. I remember that this student was very involved in the discussions--his perceptions were spot on.

Update--
They consider this a hate crime because the victim was gay and exploring the idea of being transgender. He was coming to school dressed in dresses, make-up, and jewelry**** (you can imagine what that did to a junior high campus. anything out of the idea of "normal" is difficult for 12-14 year olds to deal with. this kid had a bulls eye on his back from the moment he walked onto the campus in a dress. Is it right? No. Does it show a lack of tollerance on the students' part. Yes. Does this make it a hate crime? I am not so sure.) That being said, it has also been said that the victim had a crush on the suspect, and went around telling other students that the suspect was bisexual and liked the victim. (apparently the suspect wasn't the only student he had said this about) The Rain.bow Co.alition became involved when they had heard that the victim was bullied for being different (whether that was from the suspect or just the general school population was unclear), and then the hate crime charge was added at about the same time.

****I am also struggling with the whole idea of the administration allowing this student to dress outside of the dress code and wear the clothing described above. He even wore stilletto shoes! And we have uniforms at my school! I am all for personal expression and I have absolutely no problem with transgender issues and sexual orientation. But, I do know that the school cannot require a student to wear a uniform, although they can prevent a student from wearing clothing that would detract from the learning environment. This student was clearly a distraction because of what he chose to wear to school. And let's face it, we DON'T let the girls wear stillettos, so why would they let this kid? Would the victim being in a uniform have made a difference? Probably not, but maybe.

And, I often have students who are just discovering their sexual orientation in junior high school, so this is not a unique issue at the school--junior high is the time for those hormones to come alive. I offer my support to students and make sure that my classroom is a safe place to be.

And lastly, I personally think that the main cause of this incident is that the victim was telling others that the suspect was bisexual and liked the victim back. Why the suspect wasn't able to ignore the talk is the question.

The victim died tonight. While I didn't know him personally, I knew of him. Saw him often in the halls.

It will be a murder charge for my student. My kid. Ugg.

I am heartbroken about both students. They both were so young, so smart. They both had such promise.

The teacher who was there when this happened is not doing well. She actually watched the second shot happen. She was turned around helping another student when the first shot rang out, turned to see what happened, and watched the shooter raise the gun to shoot the victim in the back of the head. As did all of the kids in the class. Most of them are also my former students. My kids.

They are going through counseling, but really, they are all numb and going through delayed stress reactions. Our school counselor is working on overload and is about ready to break, too.

What is happening to my school?

What rocks my world more than anything else is that I never saw this coming. I would have never thought that this particular kid would be someone who could do something like this. That is the consensus from all of this kid's teachers--no one would have ever said this kid would resort to shooting someone.

There have been kids go through my school who have scared me. Kids who I thought that they might be one who would "crack" and cause harm to themselves or others.

But this particular kid wasn't on my radar for that.

Every year, I pick a few students who need special attention for various reasons make them my "special students". Usually, that means attention after school through tutoring, pep talks, encouragement, whatever I think they need. The shooter was one of my special kids last year. He was never a real problem in class, but he was known for playing around in a silly kind of way, distracting others and clowning around. He would stop immediately when asked, but the point was that he had to be asked regularly to stop goofing off. By the end of the year, in my class, all of that silliness had stopped. He smiled often and seemed to have a higher self esteem than he did when the school year started. I had thought I had made a difference in his life...thought I had helped him see all of the potential he had to be something great. I thought he believed in himself.

I suppose in the long run, I didn't do much for him or his family.

And that hurts.

This was senseless. This was over something that NEVER should have been an issue.

Two lives were lost that day. I am heartbroken.

That school. That junior high school today. It was my school.

My school. That was MY school.

I am so torn. I would have been there...maybe it was one of my students...I am totally freaked.

They are my family, too.

It is especially hard because the details are so limited and I can't get ahold of anyone on the inside to let me know all is okay. And what I see on the news makes me want to go there to do something to help out.

My school...nowhere is safe anymore.

The shooter was my student last year. I liked him; he had such promise. I am so very sad that this happened.

Now that the boys are here twenty four hours a day (yippee), we are really getting to know their little personalities and quirks. They can sometimes make us want to pull out our hair in desperation, especially at that 3-5 am feeding time (they tend to double team us at that point), but usually we have to laugh at how funny they are.

Here are some things we've noticed about our little guys:

Shawn -

• Shawn doesn't like socks and takes every opportunity to remove them if given the chance. How he does it remains a mystery to us!


• Shawn has decided that he wants to be walked during his feedings. Sitting in a nice comfy chair will not do for him! Because of this, I swear we have each walked an extra three or four miles a day while he eats.


• He also likes to eat laying on his side on the rare occasions when I can actually sit down.
  


• Shawn absolutely loves his bouncy chair, especially the vibration part of it. Once he is in that thing, he quickly goes to sleep. When I want to wake him up, all I have to do is turn the vibration off. He is awake in a matter of seconds. The bouncy seat has been my personal savior in the middle of the night. Whoever invented this thing must be a genious!


• The best way to burp this boy is through "the bounce." This is a technique I have perfected just for him. He sort of sits on my hip while I sort of jump around a la Shakira (as Isaac puts it). It is hard to explain, but it works EVERY time (thankfully).
  


• His nickname has become Shawn-bon, you know, as in "Shake your Shawn-Bon" or "Shawnie-bonnie".


• He prefers to lay on his back and will roll over when we put him on his tummy.
  


• Isaac likes to say he is the "Mexican Stacie" because he resembles my side of the family but has much darker skin than I do. (I realize that wouldn't be hard, but he is pretty dark.)

Jason -

• Jason has a pretty low pitch to his cry. He also cries big crocodile tears when he is upset--which always pulls at my heartstrings!


• Jason has taken to stealth peeing on his clothes during diaper changes. He is very quick, too! A lot of the time, I don't even know he had done it until I try to dress him and see that his clothes are all wet! He is also the one who likes to poop on my hand...


• Jason likes to kick out of any/all blankets we put on him. Forget about swaddling him for any length of time because he will always escape. He also likes to put his arms up while he sleeps.


• He also likes to look at himself in the mirror. Isaac says who can blame him because he looks like his daddy.
  


• Isaac calls Jason the "Caucasion Isaac." I guess that explains itself.


• The best way to get Jason to burp is by laying him over your shoulder. That's why my arms ache at the end of the day.


• Jason loves to eat, gulps down his formula in record time, and frowns while he does it. He also likes to make these little moans and groans while he eats. (gets that from Isaac)


• Jason snores LOUDLY while he sleeps. (Isaac will tell you that he does not, he purrs.)


• Jason has almost mastered rolling over, too. He prefers his stomach, though, so that explains why the rolling over part isn't happening as fast as it did for his brother.

In other news, we have two doctor's appointments tomorrow. First we go back to the pediatrician for a follow-up (again to make sure we aren't starving the boys to death and to prove our parenting skills so far) and then we have a follow-up with the hernia surgeon. Thankfully, Isaac will be going with me. I did manage the pediatrician by myself last time, but let's just say it wasn't pretty. (You know you look pathetic when someone struggling with a cane hurries ahead of you to open the door first!)

And blogger still has issues with the spell checker. Again, please attribute any mistakes to an overly tired mind...

RC at Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent has asked us how normal we are. Here is how I did. What about you?

You Are Fairly Normal

You scored 65% normal on this quiz Like most people you are normal in some ways... But you aren't a completely normal person. You're a little weird too! Why You Are Normal: You eat the frosting first You prefer ruffled potato chips You check your daily horoscope You prefer fiction to non fiction If you had to, you rather live without music and still have laughter Why You Aren't Normal: You prefer your family to your friends You would rather be tan than pale You know a little about many subjects You prefer the moon to the sun You prefer a good nap to a good meal

What's Normal About You... And What's Not?

Look What We Can Do!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I am so excited. The new pediatrician gave us Zan.tac for Shawn's reflux, and he is like a whole different person! I am now forever indebted to the drug and its makers. No, seriously. I am.

The pediatrician appointment went fine. I took the boys by myself, and I managed to survive (although I did sweat a bit when they both started crying and the doctor was trying to talk to me). Jason weighs 9lbs 7 ounces, and Shawn weighs 8lbs 9 ounces. Shawn is now 21 inches long, but I am not sure how long Jason is. I do know he is bigger. Not too bad when you remember that they weighed 2lbs 14 1/2 ounces and were 15 inches long at birth. We go back for a follow up next week to check to see how Shawn is doing on his Zan.tac.

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On a side note, I think the lack of sleep is starting to affect me. I can overlook the day I put the boys' clothes on backwards and call it inexperience, but when I wear a sweater inside out for the entire day, I do believe that is something. The sad part is that no one said anything. You can't tell me they didn't see the tag on my back! Sigh.

I am having so much fun being a mommy! So far, it is all I had hoped for and so much more! The part I love best, though, is being able to hold and snuggle my babies until my arms ache. Anytime I want. Heaven could be no better than this as far as I am concerned.


We had eye exams today. All in all, it was not too terrible of an experience. Shawn refused to open his eyes for the exam, so the doctor had to pull out his midevil contraption called an eyelid speculum. My goodness that thing was scary. Shawn did his best to close his eyes with the speculum on, too! Jason was his usual easy-going self, and hardly cried. Shawn cried enough for both of them--not that I can blame him. Anyway, a full description of the actual procedure they follow to check the babies' eyes is at the end of this post.

Tomorrow is our pediatrician appointment. Shawn already had one appointment with a pediatrician, but I had to change doctors due to an insurance snaffu. (they had us listed with a doctor with the same last name that was three hours away) Hopefully it will go well with the new doctor. I am anxious to talk to her about Shawn's dislike of feedings. It can be torturous for all involved. Plus, I need a buttload of referrals for all of the follow up appointments the boys need.

After the eye exams, I came home and played photographer. This was the first time the boys were photographed together since December. (another Heaven moment for me)

Can you tell that this was just before eating time? Shawn is in the blue and Jason is in the green.

This one (above) is my favorite for the day.

Well, maybe this one (above) is my favorite.


I love this last one of Jason. I think his expression is just too sweet.

Not too bad for my first attempt. Shawn's eyes were a little swollen from the eye exam, too.

Here is the description of the eye exams (and linked to the site from which I lifted this info):

The doctor performs the exam with the help of an assistant. The assistant helps hold the baby during the examination. The baby's eyes are dilated with eye drops prior to the examination. The doctor may use an instrument called an "eyelid speculum" to hold the eyelids open and another instrument called a "scleral depressor" to help hold and move the eye into different positions so that all of the retina can be inspected. An instrument called an "indirect ophthalmoscope" is used; it has a special lens that sends a bright light into the eye, enabling the doctor to examine the retina.

What is with the no spell check already?!?!?!!! Geez!

(Isaac didn't tell me that my hair was all messed up here!)

The last pictures from the hospital--ever!

He is finally home. We are now complete.

I don't really know what to do with myself yet. I am torn between smiling like a fool and crying like a baby. I am trying to be cool about all of this, but I am filled with such raw emotion...

I am so happy that I think I am going to burst.

It amazes me that something so sweet and tiny can, a lot of the time, smell so absolutely FOUL! Clear the room foul. Make your eyes water foul. Gag me foul. (and I have a pretty tough gag reflex, too)

It wouldn't be quite so bad if it was only every once and awhile. But, no. There is a continuous stream of gas coming from the rear end of this boy at all times of the day. Thankfully, there are brief moments when the air clears and I can nuzzle his little head and smell that soft baby scent. Otherwise, I don't know how I would cope!

All I know for sure is that he didn't get it from me! :-)

My Poor Fur Babies

A blended family always needs to go through an adjustment period while each member figures out where he or she falls in the family hirearchy. We are going through such an adjustment now.

My cats have been my babies for several years now. I love them and consider them a valuable and irreplaceable part of the family. So, of course I worried about how the addition of two little babies would affect them. Would I be able to give them enough attention and time to ensure that they stay happy and not feel like they have been replaced by Shawn and Jason?

When I first brought Shawn home, the cats were less than impressed with this loud bundle of joy. He would cry (scream might be a more accurate word) and the cats would go scrambling for the garage or my bedroom, whichever point would get them the furthest from the baby. They were skittish and unhappy about the whole thing. Gracie, who only has eyes for me, took all of this especially hard. She had even taken to throwing up a few times a day while she dealt with this new stress.

I did what I could to comfort them and make them feel like all was well. When I would nap while Isaac had Shawn, I would take them with me to the bedroom so they could get some undivided snuggle time with mama. Slowly but surely, the cats would come closer and closer to Shawn to smell him and get to know him. It took quite a while, and it was painful sometimes to watch, but they were aclimating to the new situation.

Fast forward a few days, and I am happy to report that everyone seems to be settling in to a new routine. Now, instead of running from his cries, the cats will follow me around while I try to console Shawn. Often, they will cry, too, in a show of support for Shawn's distress. While they still don't want to get too close to the baby, they will now stay in the same room with him and don't freak out when he moves suddenly or makes a new noise. Gracie has stopped getting sick and throwing up all over the place. Not too bad for only one week, I think!

Now I wonder what it will be like when Jason comes home. I hope the cats don't unite in protest and do something to me in my sleep! :-)



And I can't get spell check to work for some reason. If you catch an error, overlook it and attribute it to a mind numb from little sleep. Thanks...