The Results Are In...

The clinic wants 100 at 15dpo.

My level is 99 at 14dpo. (and dude, the hpts were totally making it seem like there was less in there with the lighter than previous year's lines)

I am pregnant, but dang if that number isn't freakishly close to the pregnancy last year. To all of the pregnancies that I lost.

This time will be different.

I am on Lovenox.

Right?

I spoke to the RE. There is no problem with waiting for a repeat draw until Saturday of next week when I return. He said should my levels decrease, the PIO wouldn't hurt me. Besides, I was going to stay on the progesterone longer to prevent starting af anyway.

He did say that my level was "strong" and levels like this are usually indicative of a viable pregnancy. The spotting, because it was brown and sparse, does not concern him at all. He says fifty percent of pregnancies will see some sort of spotting. (IVF pregnancies? All pregnancies?)

Yes, but. This is me we are talking about. When have I ever followed the "norm" and do what ever else does?

I didn't say that, but the thought was there.

Sigh,

So, there it is.

99

A "good" number.

Not what I was hoping for but what is expected at this point.

It still makes me worried.

Stream of Consciousness

Updated to add: So just as I am finishing getting ready, I discovered that I spotted. Brown. Not much. But enough to rattle my already shaky confidence. It's old blood. I know that. It hasn't reappeared yet. It could be implantation. I am on Lovenox. Blah, blah, blah.

Trying to focus on the fact that today's test was darker than yesterdays. The lines are no where near as impressive as the boys' lines, but my beta was nearly 300 at 15dpo. That makes sense to me.

Still. It makes me worried!

---

I am about ready to head out to the clinic for my beta in a bit. My appointment is at 10:30. I have to say that I am very nervous, almost to the point of panicky.

I know it makes no sense on the surface. Let's face it, even I will admit that the test will likely be positive.

The part that makes me sweat and nearly drown with worry is the question of HOW positive it will be.

Each time I take a test I wonder.

Is dark enough?

Will it be enough to make this positive last?

Will it be enough to keep us from another heartbreak?

What will I do if it's not?

The beta level that scares me most is 100. I know 100 is the number that all the clinics will say they want to see your levels at by this dpo.

But you see, all three m/cs had initial betas around 100. One was slightly under 100 at 15dpo, although it was close enough that no one was worried. Another was 104 at 15 dpo. "Perfect," was what the nurse called it at the time. The pregnancy last year was 101 at 14dpo.

For me, 100 equals the kiss of doom.

It has got to be higher than 100 to keep me sane.

Anything less than that will shatter me.

I am afraid that what I see on those pee sticks is not going to bring me that high number I desperately crave.

Sigh.

I will update when the nurse calls.

---

There is also the little issue of being gone for a week and not being able to have the repeat test until next SATURDAY. I will not be taking hpts with me on my trip, either. I am not sure how I will be able to keep myself together for that long. Seriously. (How will I manage?)

I can't see how I will be able to take and store daily hpts and not tip everyone around me off that something is happening. As it is, I am going to have to hide the fact that I am shooting myself up twice a day with PIO and Lovenox. I am not ready for the people in my real life to know yet. I am still too fragile.

This...pregnancy is still too fragile.

The whole event should be interesting.

---

Being gone for a week from the boys is freaking me out.

I am dying about it actually. It would be so easy to just say I can't go for any number of reasons. I am trying to remind myself that I am getting paid my daily rate for the entire week, and we could use the money. It will benefit us for me to take advantage of the opportunity.

I don't want to go.

But.

I feel like a terrible mother, and I hate to admit this. Part of me is looking forward to a break, even if it is to work.

Vlog - My Obsession

Against my better judgement, and without a lick of make-up or cleaned bathroom, here it is...



Today is 13do.

Beta tomorrow.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday - Darker Is Better :-)

***In my delirium, I didn't hit publish last night. Here is last night's post.

11dpo:

11dpo vs. 10dpo (darker = check!):

11dpo 2010 vs 11dpo 2007:

Whoot!

---

I put my Lovenox prescription in today. I'll pick them up tomorrow. My insurance initially denied my 30 day prescription pending authorization from the doctor. Ugh! More insurance issues. I asked the pharmacist how much a 30 day supply would be. Get this. 30 shots are $958.00. F*ck I say and ordered two weeks worth because I am not going to let insurance bull crap be the thing that keeps this from happening for us.

The pharmacist called me back a few minutes later to say that my insurance company covers 14 shots every 23 days for the $30 copay. Only 14 shots is a problem when you take the shots every day. So, We decided that she would call the doctor for the authorization and give me the 14 days now for the copay with the understanding that worst case scenario will be I'll have to pay for 9 shots every 23 days. Best case scenario is that the authorization is approved and I'll get the entire month's prescription for the $30 copay once it is approved. (She swore that I could add the remaining 14 shots once the insurance approved it for no more money this month. We shall see. I have my bets on having to pay about $350 or so out of pocket for shots every 23 days. sigh.)

The important thing to remember is that I'll have my shots and start taking them Thursday.

---

***Added today:

Still not feeling the best, but I am at least functioning. Today's been filled with 2 hours of therapy for the boys (an hour each) and a visit from a sister-in-law. I did test today, but the test looks just like the one last night. (Wonder why? I mean 14 hours is enough time to make it look loads darker, right? Yep. Duh, Stacie.)

Program Interruption

We interrupt the regularly scheduled updates with some sort of intestinal issue. (In other words, I've been sitting on the can all day long.) I don't know if it is something I ate yesterday or stress or that P word thing I might be working on, but I have been seriously not feeling well.

Still, you'd think that while sitting all! day! long! in the bathroom, I would have tested, but...well, it had been a long night and I actually FORGOT to pee on the stupid stick this morning. That isn't exactly true. I remembered about half way through my fmu but was way too tired to stop the flow long enough to open the hpt and hold it there.

I know what you're thinking.

The super insane, crazy peeonastickaholic is slipping.

If nothing else, that ought to tell you just how badly I was feeling this morning.

Is.aac is on my list today, too. When I called him to tell him I AM DYING! COME SAVE ME!!!, he simply said he couldn't get away and hung up the phone.

Dude. Not cool.

I don't know why he didn't believe me. It's not like I've been all dramatic or anything all week long.

Sigh.

I am finally feeling a bit better (hence the updating), so I will see if I have the energy to POS tonight.

If it's any consolation, the boobage is still killing me. That's got to be a good sign, right?

Good grief. I really do have no shame.

Let's Try This Again...

Maybe it was just the box of tests, because there is a big difference between what I took this morning (barely noticeable and way light-so light I couldn't even get the line on a picture) to the test I just took.

You're looking at 10dpo tests from the boys' pregnancy (black lettering) and the test I took a few minutes ago.

I...um...well...oh boy!

Can you see the line this time?

Now this is more like it! It's darker, it's darker! This was after water and with minimal pee. (Sorry for the TMI. Ahem. I apparently have no shame.)

Woooowhoooooo!

Dare I hope?

Mindf*ck

There is still a positive, but it is definitely not any darker.

It isn't any lighter either, exactly.

I am slightly concerned.

Okay maybe more than slightly concerned.

Yesterday's entire test was light. Today's was no better. I am trying to tell myself that it is just a bad box of tests...

...or maybe there was a tiny bit of trigger in my system and then a positive started making the test look darker than it would. Then as the trigger finally left, the hcg sort of leveled out, making the line look the same.

I know, I am crazy.

But.

At 10dpo, well...usually there is no mistaking things by this point for me.

I am trying to focus on the fact that there is still a line.

It's there.

It's still early.

---

I did talk to Is.aac last night. After pantomiming shooting himself in the head (far too many times) he did finally talk to me about what he was feeling.

He said that he has a strong feeling that we'll get pregnant and that is making him a bit freaked out right now. He thinks we'll get a baby out of this one.

Let me just say that Is.aac gets these "feelings". He calls them deja vu experiences. Every so often, he'll come up with something that there is no possible way he could know. He once told me that my mom was going to come into a store we were standing in. I laughed at him because the place we were at was way out of my mom's way, and she was headed to the other side of town. He went so far as to tell me what she'd be wearing. He nailed it. Ten minutes later my mom showed up, totally shocked to see us. He hadn't seen her before that, so there was no way he'd know all the details he knew, but he did anyway. I have loads of stories like that about Is.aac and his feelings. They're kind of freaky, although I have to say that if he tells me he has a "feeling" I tend to listen.

I told him he always says that I'll get pregnant. He just tells me what he thinks I want to hear.

(insert more finger shots to the head here)

He admitted that for the FETs he didn't have the feeling. He wasn't surprised that we didn't see a positive because he just didn't have the same feeling. (Dude. Couldn't you have said something sooner?)

He admitted that he is really worried that we'll find more than one cooking this time, not so much because of the more babies but because of what that would do to me and my body.

Okay, I'll give him that. That would be a concern.

And then he fell asleep. I couldn't for the life of me wake him back up for more info. Ugh.

---

I want to believe him that this will be successful--that this time will bring us a baby.

I think I'd be done ttc at that point.

But I do worry about this cycle not ultimately bringing us a baby. There is a limit to what we can keep funding. My last thoughts before sleep were my mental calculations of what we've spent on ART over the last years.

3 medicated iuis + 5 ivfs + 2.5 FETs all without insurance.

All in the last four years.

It made me sick to my stomach, and I was being conservative. I am sure there is more that I didn't include in my total.

Are you surprised to learn I didn't sleep well? Yeah, me neither.

If this one doesn't work, can I find the money to try again? Should I find the money to try again?

Sigh.

---

As Eden said, the two week wait is such a mindfuck.

Mindfuck indeed.

---

I go in for my estrogen and progesterone check today. Why won't they just do a damn beta and put me out of my misery?!!???!!!?

Update: 6dp4dt No beta. The bastards. Sigh.

E2 = 538 (should be >300)
P4 = 44 (should be >30)

Seriously? My progesterone is only 44? Dude, my boobs are freaking killing me. Glance at them and they ache. And the boys have got bat shit crazy with the rough housing and aim straight for my chest, the sorest place on my entire body, every. single. time. Ouch!

Not cool, especially with a P4 level of "only" 44.

This soreness better mean something good. Otherwise, this is just plain mean. You hear that up there?

Updated again:

Here is what I wrote for the boys' pregnancy at the estrogen/progesterone check at 6dp4dt:

"I went in for my progesterone and estrogen check today. My progesterone level was 34 (above 30 is what they want to see) and my estrogen was 400 (they look for above 150). "All looks good," said nurse Michelle."

Seeing this made me feel better. Oddly enough, I talked to the same nurse today, too...

I'll take it as a sign.

Cautious...

...guarded.

Not Sure How to Feel Yet.

Not ready to celebrate yet, that's for sure.

It is hard to see in the picture, but it's there. Even I have to turn my screen just so to see it on the computer. Maybe squint your eyes while you're at it. It's from 4dp4dt (4 days after a 4 day transfer) which was last night.

I tested again this morning, but everything about the test is much, much lighter (that includes the control line) so it doesn't look any darker. There is still a line. The line still came up well within the three minutes, but it just isn't all that impressive as far as lines go. It definitely NOT the unmistakable, "Holy cow, girl! How many are you cooking in there?" kind of line I was looking for.

I think I believe that this is probably not trigger residuals. It wouldn't get noticeably darker from am to pm if it was. And yes, this is still VERY, very early in the game.

So, the jury is still out as to whether this will mean good news or not. There is always the chance that something is trying to start but may not stick around for the long haul.

I hope with everything I've got that isn't the case.

Opinions?

---

I showed Is.aac the test last night. He hardly even reacted. It hurt my feelings so badly. (hormonal? me?) I was like, aren't you glad we may be pregnant? He just kept saying that he wouldn't be this nervous if he didn't think I'd get pregnant.

Hm.

Then the conversation was over. No explanations or anything.

Poor guy won't know what hit him when he walks in the door tonight with that kind of comment still hanging in the air.

The Allure Is So Intoxicating...

They call to me.

They taunt me with the possibility of happiness.

Yet, they remain one of my number one fears.


HPTs. Evil, evil, evil home pregnancy tests.


There are four in my bathroom, just waiting to give me answers.

I love you, dreaded pee sticks.

Oh, how I hate you, too.

It is a constant struggle to resist your whispers...

"Come pee on me..."

It is only 8 days passed ovulation. You'd be stark white. I can't handle seeing another white pee stick.

"Sure it is only 8dpo, but wouldn't it be nice to see a positive? It could be there, you know..."

No. Not going to do it.

"At the very least, you can see if the trigger is totally out of your system..."

No. I metabolize things quickly. I am nearly certain that the hcg is out of my system at this point.

"Come on...You haven't peed yet this morning. You know how strong first morning urine is. There's bound to be some hcg in there someplace. Remember all of those symptoms..."

But I'm afraid...

I can't bare to see a negative...

Please. Just stop tormenting me.

I'll likely pee on you tomorrow...

Maybe.

If I am strong enough.

---

This is what runs through my head all the time now. It is clear that I have officially reached the crazy stage.

Waiting is the worst.

---

I caved. The temptation was too great.

They are evil I tell you!

Sigh.

I am so freaking weak.

I needed to prove to myself that the trigger was out of my system and prepared myself to see a stark white line.

Those pee sticks are very convincing.

Double sigh.

It's there, but it's light, light, light. Unmistakable, but light enough that I can't quite get it on a picture.

Today is 10 days passed trigger.

Now the question is whether it's trigger residuals or something much, much better.

Let's all pray that it isn't the trigger I'm seeing.

Let's pray that tomorrow I'll see something darker. :-)

---

Someone take these stupid sticks away from me. Put me out of my misery. Of course, if I stay on the path I'm on right now, I'll pee right through them before anyone could take them away from me.

It is a sickness.

And boy am I ill.

Tested this pm. Line came up long before the 3 minute time limits. Still faint, but slightly darker than this morning.

That makes me feel a little bit better.

But not much.

Ugh.

I am killing myself here!

Friday Night Leftovers - More Cycle Talk (Updated)

• I am amazed to find out that this is post 810. Whoa. How could I have had that much to say? Jeez, I need to stop talking so much!
• Got the call from the embryologist that both of the embryos arrested just before they would have been frozen. I am not exactly sure how I feel about that. On the one side, I wasn't expecting to have anything to freeze from the very start because everything was so dismal. Yet, on the other side, I got my hopes all up when she told us they looked very good and had a good chance at making it to freeze. They even had us pay the $650 storage fee for the year. Sigh. Falling on the wrong side of the odds strikes again.
• I guess the good news is that I get $650 back. Right? Update: Just had a brainstorm in the shower. My first IVF created only 6 eggs. It also had 100% fertilization. We transferred two. One made it to freeze. Somehow this makes me feel better. The cycle stats are so similar. We transferred three this time, so OF COURSE there were none to freeze. Now, we got pg on that cycle, but this was all before I found out about my clotting issues, so maybe this time we've fixed our problem and I can stay pregnant? Sounds good to me anyway. :-)
• I am not even going there about what that could mean about the terrific three we transferred. I transferred the best...I transferred the best...I transferred the best... You get the idea.
• The PIO shots are kicking my ass. Literally. I counted it up yesterday only to discover that I have had OVER 198 shots in my ass over the years, not counting HCG shots, P17 shots, steroids, etc. My ass is tired. And sore. And gets all pissy when Is.aac injects the progesterone; so much so, that I now actually feel the nerves scream all the way down the side of my thigh. Not fun.
• My clinic is doing a trial study (which has had great success) about injecting PIO into the stomach instead of the hip. Guess who isn't qualified for said study with the great success and the much happier asses? Yep. Me.
• As much as I am trying not to, I have started the dreaded symptom watch. So far I am tired (from progesterone), my boobs hurt enough to have to wear a bra to bed (progesterone, trigger shot residuals, possibly from the vivelle patches, too), and an interesting little...burning pulling strange sensation in where I "think" my uterus is now. Started yesterday. Continues off and on today.
• Today is 7 days past retrieval. The earliest I got a positive pregnancy test was 9 days past retrieval. Waffling back and forth about when to test (although I know I have to put Karen, (updated to add) Julie, and Janet (how could I have forgotten them?) out of their misery sooner rather than later!)
• Yes I will test before beta.
• I have a script for Lovenox. The RE said he usually suggests patients start the shots with a positive beta, but he is leaving it up to us as to whether we'd like to start with a positive hpt (should we hopefully get one!).
• We're starting with a positive hpt. Damn it, I want a positive hpt.
• Beta is set for August 2. That is our anniversary.
• But, I won't be here on August 2. I am leaving for a work conference on the morning of August 1.
• I can either go for my beta on the 31 or the 1st. I will decide the day when I see whether or not the pee sticks are kind to me.
• I am kicking myself for this, but should I be pregnant, my due date is April 9. That makes me exactly 3 weeks pregnant today. Sigh.
• Hypothetically speaking, should we get pregnant, get past the scary heart beat stage, find out it is a little girl (we shall call her Emily for now), and deliver at TERM, we'd have another aries on our hands. Just like me (my bday is April 18). Is.aac wouldn't know what hit him. Heh. He has no defenses against an aries woman. (his words, not mine.) :-)
• Tell me I didn't just jinx myself looking those dates up, even if you have to lie.

For more leftovers stop by here.

Working My PTSD (updated) (Updated Again)

I posted this update on Facebook the other day:

"Thinking about my neighbors. She just delivered her twins a few weeks early...Baby B isn't doing very well. Takes me back to some very dark times."

Today I posted this:

"Just watched my next door neighbors get home from the hospital. She hobbled in slowly while he carried in only one baby. I hope Baby B is okay...Ugh. I feel for them."

---

They delivered the babies on Monday at 35 weeks. I do know that Baby B had immediate surgery and was not doing well. He had a clubbed foot, a heart issue, and there was something wrong with his digestive track. He is very ill.

I don't know how he is now, but I am at a loss for what to do.

Me.

A person who has been there.

A person who freaking knows just what it is like to have an ill baby.

Someone who knows the pain, the mind blowing and constant fear, the guilt over leaving the hospital when your baby has to stay.

And nothing.

I could not even go out there to say something to them when they got home. I couldn't move from the window.

I am almost frozen.

What kind of person am I?

I am disgusted with myself.

I've text them a few times letting them know they were in my thoughts and prayers. I congratulated them on the birth and told them that I am always here when they want to talk to someone who really knows what it is like.

I do have a card and a BRU gift card to give them.

I have a list of things to buy at the store tomorrow (when I am off of couch potato rest from the transfer) to create a NICU survival kit.

I have contemplated what I can make (ha, I hope I don't poison them) to take them for dinner.

But most of that is in my head and I haven't actually done anything more than think of this crap.

This is working my PTSD in the worst way. I am telling you, this being so close to home is really making it hard.

I don't know how Baby B is doing. My mind is working overtime because of that. But I don't want to pry. They will share what they feel comfortable sharing. I am not going to push. I do know what that is like.

One of my friends said to do what I wish someone had done for us. But you know what? I have no idea what that would be. I think that is what is so hard. I don't know what I needed. I was such a huge ball of hormones that it was all I could do to get up each day.

I just needed everything to be normal, but it so wasn't.

I've been texting Is.aac today about what we could do. He is feeling the same sort of emotions, although not to the same extent I am. We'll come up with something together, I am sure, but still...

it is going to be hard.

But no matter how hard it is for me to work through, my heart knows it is a thousand times harder for them.

---

It makes me even more sick to my stomach now that I realize that I've just turned all of this into a poor me post. I don't matter at all.

All that matters is that family next door. They need the attention and support.

Sometimes I am so incredibly selfish.

Sigh.

----

Updated:

I made them a chicken tortilla casserole and took her some oatmeal cookies. I saw the baby they brought home (gorgeous and oh, so tiny!). We talked for quite some time. Poor Baby B has a long NICU stay with several surgeries ahead of him, but thankfully is expected to survive. I'll work on the NICU kit tomorrow and take it over (or maybe I'll have Is.aac take it because I think the husband would really like to talk to someone who's been there and gets it. Apparently no one else in their life has.)

I came home and cried, but I did it. Nothing they said shocked me, but things are pretty bad for their baby. I am glad I was able to listen and not react like everyone else has. They even commented on that. Makes me want to wrap my arms around them and tell them it is all going to be okay while I beat the inconsiderate people around them with sticks.

Sigh.

Thank you for thinking of them and be so nice to me. I do still feel selfish that I have the nerve to react this way, but I do think I understand why. I am trying not to beat myself up about it.

Those old NICU feelings die hard, I guess.

---


Updated again:

We did get them a NICU kit. There are so many things we could have gotten them, but here is what we settled on:

• a notebook & pen for both mom and dad
• books to read to the babies: "On the Night You Were Born" and “I Love You”
• change for the vending machine - I can’t tell you how often that would have been helpful
• chap stick
• disposable camera (to leave at the NICU for the nurses to catch the baby doing cute things)
• energy bars/oatmeal Fiber One bars
• goodies for the siblings (Toy Story figure for older brother, rattle for Baby A)
• hand lotion
• hand sanitizer
• mints
• photo album to remind them to take lots of pictures
• preemie outfits (one for each twin, but a snap up sleeper – so the wires can be pulled through the snaps and connect to the monitors - for Baby B)
• tissues
• wet wipes (antibacterial)

If you are thinking of doing something like this yourself, here are some other ideas you could add to a kit or do for the family:

• mouth wash, tooth brush, & toothpaste
• hairbrush
• gift card to baby store
• hospital parking pass
• gift card to a restaurant near the hospital
• oatmeal cookies
• baby blanket (to cover the baby's isolette)
• name cards for the isolettes (my NICU did this automatically, but not all NICUs do)
• scrapbook supplies (especially the kind that are already done; you just need to put the picture in)
• nonperishable snacks
• button down tops for both moms and dads for kangaroo care
• Is.aac swears by dry fit clothing. they kept him cool and wouldn't wrinkle during his marathon of working and then spending the rest of the night at the NICU or tending to me.
• take them food for home or give gift cards for restaurants that deliver to their area
• mow their lawn
• clean their house/do dishes/laundry
• write a note, text, or call
• and above all else, congratulate them. It seems like such a no-brainer, but people don't. Seriously. They don't.
• offer to watch other children, if they have them, so the mom and dad can go to the NICU together

Okay. I think that is all. Anything else you can think to add, just leave it in the comments and I'll put it on the list. At some point, I'll find a more permanent place to keep this list for others, too.

Our Transfer...In Pictures!

Happy ICLW, everyone! My name is Stacie, and I am married to Is.aac. I was blessed with beautiful twin boys, Sh.awn and Ja.son, who were born way too early and have some lingering issues because of their early entrance. Still, they amaze and fascinate me every single day. :-) I am currently trying to add to our family and have just had my transfer today from IVF #5. I might be a little out of the loop tonight and tomorrow, but I'll get right back on the commenting train asap. Thanks for visiting!

---

Here are the spectacular 6! Awww...I am already in love with my little embies. :-)

You're looking at 5 excellent quality morulas here. They were rated A/B+, and I have to say I am absolutely blown away by that.



Blown. Away.



The three that run through the middle of the picture are now hopefully taking up long term residence in my uterus. The two on the bottom have above a 60% chance of making it to freeze within the next two days.



2 more may make it to FREEZE!!! Holy COW!



The little guy at the top was only at about 10ish cells. It isn't looking like it will do much more than it already has. You can sort of tell that they've written it off because it was almost not even in the picture. :-( I feel kind of bad for it.

Here I am just after we spoke to the embryologist:

Can you say, "Happy much?" Then I took one and a half Valium...

So I totally had to pose with the stirrups. Heh heh.

And here we have a very HAPPY Stacie who has just felt the full effect of said Valium. Dude, that stuff is GOOOOOOD! I swear I felt totally drunk!

I am pole dancing here...



Here I am just after transfer. They left the moment our little embies were transferred on the screen. All I could do is stare in awe...

Then I made Is.aac stare in awe...

Here is our print out of the moment. I have it sitting on my nightstand right now. I can't help but to look at it every so often.

The center oval is my uterus. You should see a white line sort of in the middle of the oval. You can't actually see the embryos when they are transferred. Instead, you see the liquid medium being pushed into your uterus. It looks like a white streak that is about an inch long. Inside that streak are our three embies. :-)

Then we rested for our 30 minutes and enjoyed the valium some more.

Is.aac got all artsy fartsy and had me show off my newly PUPO belly.

Lastly, I leave you with our transfer tradition. Every cycle, Is.aac writes a little message to our embies on my belly. We struggled with what to write this time. I didn't want the same old thing. This time I wanted something different...special.

I let Is.aac decide. This is what he wrote...



"Let the magic begin!" with three little hearts, one for each embie possibility.

It is perfect. This cycle has been magical. I hope the ending will be just as magical, too.

Tomorrow's the Transfer!

Finally got the call a little bit ago.

I.

was.

dying!

The results: all are still dividing and fragmentation is limited.

2 embies at 6 cells.

4 at the 8 - 10 cell range.

All are looking pretty good. There is some slight fragmentation on the 2 smaller embies and one of the 8 cell embies.

Then the RE and I had a frank discussion on how aggressive we wanted to be for this cycle.

I told him we had talked about it and had decided that we'd likely go with no more than 3. I realize that there is the slim chance for triplets, and the twin chance is increased, but...well, I am seriously not feeling like twins are in the cards for us this time around. (I had the feeling we'd get lucky with the boys, though.)

Of course, I could just be full of crap and have my head up my butt.

Still, I am following my gut on this one.

He said the standard for my age is to transfer 3, so he thought that would be a decent plan. He did say that he'd be willing to be more aggressive if we decided we wanted to do so. (My guess is he'd allow me to transfer as many as I wanted with the understanding that they'd push selective reduction should we be extra fertile.)

He feels confident that we'll have three clear front runners tomorrow, so we are transferring tomorrow at 10:00. His rationale is that he'd rather get the embryos into their natural environment as soon as they possibly can. I am okay with that. My first two transfers were day 4 transfers, too. I think maybe the boys' transfer was a day 4 also. (Can't exactly remember for sure, though.)

Tomorrow's the day.

I have some creative story telling to do to make sure someone can watch the boys for us. I really want Is.aac to be there with me at the transfer (and not in the car with the boys), but we've told no one in real life that we are cycling this time around. Sigh.

7/21/10 - here's hoping it is a fantastic day!

Wish us luck!

Trying to Celebrate

It's so strange. Things are going sooooo well at the moment, but I can't help to be worried that doom and gloom is around the corner. It is almost like things are going too well.

I suppose I am not used to that.

I hate that I know that bad things can happen.

I hate even more that bad things have happened, so I know just what's possible.

I hate the most that I almost expect the bad things to happen to us now.

I am trying my hardest to pull myself out of that negative space and to celebrate the successes as the come, but...well, damn it is hard to not let the overwhelming fear take over and rule my brain and heart.

Sometimes it's a battle won minute by minute, though. It's exhausting!

Sigh.

I'm on pins and needles about tomorrow.

Oh please, oh please let the good news continue.

---

Is it sad that having 53!!! followers makes me giddy? It just blows my mind that 53 different people are interested in my life and what I write. It makes me feel a bit like Sally Field during the whole "You really like me!" era. :-)

Thank you to every single one of you who have stopped by here to read and cheer us on over the last several weeks. I am truly grateful!

Yeah, Baby!

100% fertilization, everyone!

The RE is "Pleased!"

Will know more on Tuesday...

Relief

Things went well. I am so relieved.

7 retrieved.

1 immature.

Is.aac's contribution was deemed high quality.

Now we wait. They don't expect to have to use ICSI for fertilization. (There was more about how young I am...ahhh...) I'll get the complete fert report tomorrow.

Oh and yeah, did you catch that?

6 mature eggs, people!!!!!!!!!

Whoot!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my retrieval.

I am nervous yet excited.

I am praying with all that I've got that what we retrieve will be mature and healthy.

Maybe 7/17 is a lucky day for me. It was last year.

On the 17th of July last year, I was doing this.

Believe me when I say that the connection was not lost on me.

I want to believe that lightening WILL again strike, only this time the ending will be much happier.

On This Episode...

...of As the Cycle Turns:

When we last left the world of Stacie and her IVF cycle from bizarro world, there were two follies on the right (a 20mm and a 13mm) and three measurable follies (16 mm, 16 mms, and 15 mm) on the left.

Today the u/s showed two measurable follies on the right (22 mm and 12 mm) and four follies on the left (20 mm, 20 mm, 18 mm, 16 mm).

There was a possible 10 mm on the right as another "something" that was either a follicle he couldn't quite get into position to see well with Mr. Wand or an adhesion.

The left had another follicle measuring at 10 mm and what looks like a smaller one, too. (For some reason, they have trouble seeing my left ovary without a whole lot of pushing on my abdomen, which is hella uncomfortable for me. I don't even want to think about why that is when I have this new stream lined body to work with now. It should be all cleaned out with everything back in its optimal place after my lap!)

That means today it is looking like I may have 5 eggs at retrieval--maybe as many as 9 if you include the immature variety in the count.

In other words, it isn't "horrible", but it isn't my ovaries' best work either.

There was some question as to whether I would stim another night and trigger tomorrow, but it seems that my estrogen is starting to level out at 1005. Progesterone is back up to 0.9.

I will be triggering tonight at 10 pm.

Retrieval is set for Saturday morning.

Bring it on. I'mma going to be kicking myself some IF ass this weekend.

Oh yes, I am!

Update: Trigger at 10 pm - check. We're on, baby. We're on!

The Ball Knows All...

I got this idea from Carrie. She's having a tough time right now. Stop by and give her some hugs.

The Magic of the Eight Ball

1. Will I get pregnant in July, 2010?

Well, that is a good sign, no?

2. Will I have a real live baby next year?

I'll take that for an answer, too!

3. Will I have an easy pregnancy?

Um...okay...

4. Will I have four eggs retrieved on Saturday?

Boo. Let's try that again.

5. Will I have five eggs retrieved on Saturday?

That's better!

6. Will I trigger on Thursday?

Okay...

7. Will I trigger on Friday?

Dude...

8. Will I trigger on Saturday?

Jeez. I hope I don't have to go that much longer!

---

No, I don't really believe that the ball knows all. But, darn it would be nice if it did, especially concerning numbers one and two.

We shall see what tomorrow brings my way.

Check here if you want to play with the Magic Eight Ball, too.

Stim Day #10

I blasted Eminem on the stereo while I was on my way to my appointment today. I felt it was appropriate, and it definitely put me in the ass kicking mood. It didn't hurt that I had some little people in the back of the car doing some head bobbing along with me. :-)

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid
To take a stand, to take a stand
Everybody, everybody
Come take my hand, come take my hand

We'll walk this route together through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin' you know that you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am done being afraid. This cycle will do what it is going to do, but I am not going down without a fight.

Ahem.

So, how are things going?

Righty has two follies: a 20mm and a 13mm. The smaller of the two is the same size it was on Monday, so it is probably out for the count.

Lefty had three measureable follies: 2, 16 mms and 1, 15 mm.

We're looking at a total of 4 eggs.

Sigh. Not what I was looking for exactly, but should all of them fertilize and divide like good little eggs, all is not lost. Hell, if I think about the bright side, I can just transfer all of them and not have to worry about extra yearly fees for frozen storage.

See, it is not all bad.

I stim for one more night most likely. I'll go in tomorrow morning for another scan/blood draw, but I'll probably trigger tomorrow night. Retrieval is on Saturday morning.

The nice thing that came out of today's appointment is that I had my RE scan me, and we got a few minutes to talk about what is going on with my response.

• He first gave me the option of triggering tonight and converting to an IUI. That isn't the optimal plan, however, because my only tube is on my right side. Plus that tube is "iffy" at best. I told him I decided we would proceed with the retrieval/transfer.


• We're $5000 invested in the cycle with the meds alone, I just can't bring myself to not go all the way with this cycle.


• He feels we'll likely retrieve 4 eggs. There is the possibility of a 5th (another 10 mm on my left), but he doesn't think it is better than a 30% chance of catching up to the others.
• He again said that my fsh is manageable and I am still young. (I love it when he says that.)


• He told me that he doesn't feel that this response is/should be typical in a further cycle. He said he's thought a lot about my response this time around and agrees that the birth control pills could be the huge contributing factor. My hormone levels were suppressed and stalled, that much is clear. The only new thing added into the mix was the bcps. It is logical that the one is affecting the other.


• He would likely change my stim protocol should I need to cycle again, although he did say that there is no reason that we can't be successful with the cycle this time.


• I tend to do better with fresh cycles over FETs anyway -- 4 fresh cycles = 4 pregnancies (1 stuck for the boys probably due to Lovenox and some luck) 2.5 FETs = 0 pregnancies


• I did tell him that while I was not suggesting that I won't be successful with this cycle, I was already trying to wrap my mind around a plan B. I asked him his thoughts about remaining on the PIO for a while longer to prevent myself from starting AF should I get a negative beta. (I will be at a conference in San Diego the first week of August, just when AF would show, which would mean I couldn't get the blood work/scans needed to start another cycle in August.) He wanted to know if I had any breakthrough spotting with my other cycles while on PIO. I told him no, so it said that there is a good chance that would work. He did say that there is the possibility that I could retrieve and freeze the eggs from this cycle and force another cycle in before I go. (Not optimal, but would be doable apparently.) I decided against that because again, my pg success rate is higher with fresh over frozen cycles anyway.

So, now we wait for the levels for my estrogen and progesterone to see if we continue as we expect today. As always, wonky levels on the blood work can throw yet another wrench in the plan. I'll let you know what they are when I get them.

Update: E2 - 968, p4 - 0.6 (less than Monday? Is that "normal"?)

Was told if prog. # stayed low may stim two more nights...

Appointment Update

Well, maybe there is a glimmer of hope. Maybe.

A 10 and a 16/17 on the right.

Three 10-13 follies on the left. But, the left ovary was hard to see. The RE had to do a LOT of pushing on my stomach to get a decent picture of the follies. There could be a possible fourth one on the left.

We are praying for 5.

I think I would be ok-ish with 5.

Let me qualify this: I would be ok-ish with 5 MATURE (just in case anyone in the universe with some power is listening) eggs.

Hell, let's just say 5 MATURE, NORMAL eggs THAT FERTILIZE just in case. I want to keep my bases covered.

There is the risk that the overachiever on my right can suck all of the stims for itself and prevent the others from growing, but I am trying to not think about that right now.

So, I am waiting for my blood results. As of now, I am scheduled for my next scan/blood work on Wednesday. I will continue to stim tonight, tomorrow, and Wednesday. I will continue my centrotide.

Hopefully, I'll trigger on Wed/Thurs. for retrieval on Friday or Saturday.

I am really trying to keep hope.

Really I am.

I want this so badly.

---

E2 = 509, P4= .9

Still on for my appointment on Wednesday. I had to order more meds this evening, too.

Please let this work...

please!

It Really Is All Out of My Hands. I Hate That.

This weekend has been a really rough. I have been shaken with what I keep thinking is a very real possibility that I may be done ttc.

Of course I don't know if that is the truth or not, but it all gets very scary and sad when things don't work out even a tiny bit like you expect them to.

Sigh.

It is not a pleasant feeling at all.

We have talked it over, and I will most likely proceed with the cycle if I still have the three follies on Monday. It sucks and it doesn't give me a whole lot of room for crappy eggs, but we think we need to go for it.

Maybe this was just a bad cycle because of the birth control pills (which coincidentally, the first time I took bcps/lupron I only had 6 eggs, and that was my very first IVF -- no lupron/bcps and bam 9-13 eggs).

Maybe this is the sign that the ovaries are done. It does make me kick myself that much harder for jumping into the FETs last year. I wonder if I would have been successful by now had we continued to do fresh cycles...

We just don't know.

I hate that my mind keeps running in these circles of what if? and why didn't I?

Still, after many tears, I think we have come to the conclusion we would hate to look back and wonder if we don't give this cycle a shot. The timing is good. I am on summer vacation. I don't have to figure out how to get subs and finish lesson plans and the like.

But there is that nagging worry in my mind that we'll go through the cycle and have nothing to show for it. (I do realize that this is the worry for everyone no matter what the cycle looks like.)

It is getting harder and harder to scrape up the money needed for these cycles, too.

Sigh.

I wish sometimes that everything didn't always have to be so hard.

I head off to my appointment in about thirty minutes. I suppose it is really all out of my hands now...

3 measurable follies in the 10-12mm range.

1 on the right. 2 on the left. Possibly 2 others which are around 6mm. That's it. With all of this bloat and being this uncomfortable.

3.

I go back for monitoring on Monday to decide if I want to finish the cycle.

Of course this was after the RE said something about how I had a slow start but that he felt that things would start happening. He even said my fsh was still manageable.

After the scan he asked if I wanted to proceed.

It was all I could do to not start bawling on the spot.

I am so defeated by this. Maybe this won't ever happen for us after all.

I made it out the door of the clinic before the flood gates opened. Now I wait for them to close.

Update:

E2 = 207, LH = 7. Meds stay the same, but I add Cetrotide tonight and tomorrow. Things keep looking worse and worse.

Today is day 6 of stims.

My head is killing me. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself (I have a bridal shower to go to in an hour) but the pity party continues. :-(

Friday Night Leftovers

• Today was a good day. I had two really good friends from work over for lunch and some adult conversation. Ah...adult conversation was sorely missed around this place! (Well, adult conversation outside of Is.aac that is.) I got a bonus because the boys were excellent while they were here!
• Ja.son is totally fine now. I am still working on getting there. I had terrible nightmares about him choking that night. In each one there was always something stopping me from getting to him in time to save him. Is.aac said I talked all night long in my sleep, too. Ugh. It was awful. I slept better last night. I hope tonight will be back to normal for me.
• Tomorrow is my next monitoring appointment. I am stressed about it. I hate that each appointment brings such anxiety with it.
• I haven't written this cycle off completely, but I am not as optimistic or confident about a positive as I used to be. As much as I hate to admit it, I am already trying to wrap my mind around when I might be able to cycle again. The sad thing is that I am going off to a conference at the start of August (right when AF should show should I get a negative) so I am worried about timing. I scares me that I'd have to wait another month. I feel like my time to make this happen is slipping away at an alarming rate.
• I wouldn't want to go on bcps again, that is for sure. I've contemplated just taking my PIO for a few days longer to try and stay off AF. Do you think that would work?
• Does that make me a freak that I am already working on plan B? A pessimist?
• I am crazy afraid that I may not ever get pregnant again, or if I do, I won't be able to carry to term.
• Sh.awn continues to systematically push every single one of my buttons throughout the day. He is a master at playing me, and it is totally annoying. Surely I am smarter than a two year old? Don't answer that. Sigh.
• I was talking to my husband about it last night, and he said what I am experiencing sounds just like what he went through with Ja.son. (I never really had any big issues with Ja.son during this stage. I totally get him and why he is doing something, so it never really throws me.) After some talking, we came to the conclusion that we struggle with the one who is most like the other person. Sh.awn is more like Is.aac in personality, so I am batting heads with him. Ja.son is more like me in personality. Is.aac struggled with Ja.son. I don't know what that says about our relationship, but it is an interesting tidbit.
• Now I have to pump Is.aac for strategies to make things smoother between Sh.awn and myself.
• Needing to ask your husband how to better deal with your child is somewhat degrading. That explains why I have yet to do that. Ahem.
• It has been dark and gloomy around here this week. When the weather is like this, it always seems to get me down. Here's hoping for a bit of sunshine tomorrow...

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