What a week this has been. I swear the crazies at work have been even crazier than normal. I have no idea what is in the air, but everyone is just off.

On Tuesday, I went to a workshop and had a sub. It was actually quite nice to be out of class for the day, especially because the workshop was really good. But, I suppose I should have known that I was setting myself up for a strange week. Whenever I am out of work for workshops, illness, or holidays, all that is junior high gets compacted into a whirlwind of drama the rest of the week. Preteen hormonal drama. Serious emotional drama. I was getting hit with it every time I turned around. All week long.

There was the little girl who came to me to confess that she's cutting herself. Her mother and sister found out about what she was up to and took all of her blades she tells me. (where was the common sense that would tell a mother to keep her child home and get her help asap after finding razor blades among a 12 year old's possessions?) I sent her straight to the counselor and had four other girls in the class come to talk to me about how worried they were about their friend. In the end, she was sent to the hospital for a psych eval.

There was the girl who came to school today only to break down in sobs because her father is in the hospital after having a stroke. When she left the hospital this morning to come to school, they didn't expect him to make it. BUT THEY SENT HER TO SCHOOL ANYWAY!!! I can't be the only one who thinks that is ridiculous, can I? Off to the counselor with her, too.

Then there was the boy who harassed a group of girls in class while I was gone at the workshop. Several of the girls came to find me early the next day to tell me what had happened. I went to the an assistant principal to notify her of the harassment, only to find that the sub had already done that. Did the AP do anything? No. I pitched a fit and had him suspended from my class and assigned Saturday school. Otherwise nothing would have happened to the kid. At my school where that lesson should have already been learned by the admin! I just don't get it.

The dogs came this week to check for drugs in backpacks. I haven't heard if they found anything this time around, but they usually do.

We got into a fender bender on the way back to school from lunch. (I was just the passenger and no one was hurt, but we were late to class.)

Oh and let's not forget the dance that didn't happen because the DJ didn't show. Because he forgot. What a nightmare that was to tell two hundred kids waiting to go to a dance that it was canceled and rescheduled. Fun times.

And to top it off, some little shit stole my balls while I was gone. How rude is that? A little cretin took three of my mouse balls from my computer stations, thereby making the computers inoperable until I go to the store and spend my own freaking money to buy new mice because the school is too broke to replace the balls for me. (The only highlight is that I actually put post-its on the monitors of the defiled stations that said, "I want my balls back!" which makes me smile every time I look at them. Hehe. No one but me better laugh, either.) I still haven't been able to figure out how they managed to get to them and take them if everyone was sitting in his and her seats LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE. I have a few leads of possible suspects, but nothing is concrete yet. I am so going to find the thief...yes I am.

No wonder I'm so tired right now!

Maybe I can talk Is.aac into getting up with the boys tomorrow morning so I can sleep in. That would be wonderful.

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. (Granted, this woman needs medical intervention for this, but still.) If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." --unknown

Why mention this little quote, you ask?

Why because I am all for shoveling tons of shit! I think I'll leave it in the cute little sports car driven by the therapists who continually freak me out about how much my children are not doing.

Today was the neurologist appointment. It took us 2 hours of waiting before actually walking into an exam room, but it wasn't like we could just leave. So we waited and waited some more to finally talk to the doctor.

What did we learn?

The boys are actual age of almost 16 months old. Their adjusted age is 13 1/2 months.

Ja.son:

gross motor: 10-12 month range
fine motor: 15-18 month range
social/emotional: 15-18 month range
cognitive/developmental: 15-18 month range
prognosis: normal development expected, limited need for Early Intervention if 18 month eval shows developmental growth consistent with actual age as expected.

Sh.awn:

gross motor: 6-8 month range (ouch)
fine motor: 6-8 month range (double ouch)
social/emotional: 12 month range (right on little guy)
cognitive/developmental: 12 month range (right on little guy)
prognosis: presenting with markers consistent with monoplegia/diplegia cerebral palsy. expectation for long term effect mild. may have difficulty walking and other gross motor skills to start, but at present time expect child to master these skills after initial delay.

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Sh.awn's diagnosis is not unexpected, and while hard to hear, I can see what the neurologist means. It is evident that Sh.awn doesn't aggressively use his right arm. He can, and will, but not unless prompted. It is getting slightly better (and I have high hopes about how he'll use it in the future), but it will take time. That much is clear.

The diplegia comes into play because he was a little tight when he was being manipulated by the doctor. He is not always tight, and I believe a lot of the tightness he exhibits when he is examined is because he is afraid of doctors now, so I don't totally buy this part of the report. We shall see if this really comes into play.

The neurologist is worried about the strength of Sh.awn's back and wants us to possibly brace it while he is learning to sit and walk. That will come in the weeks/months to come. Until then, we are to place him in hard backed seating (like the bum.bo chair or a sturdy highchair). We'll need to find a firm backed stroller for him, too. I already have ideas on how to support him to ensure he sits totally upright without leaning while he practices his sitting now.

We WILL make sure that the next time we see the neurologist, his back is strengthened and straight. OH, YES, WE WILL. Just watch us.

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And Ja.son? The little boy who scared me so much during his first days in the NICU while he slept and shook continually due to the oscillating machine he was on for weeks, is just flourishing. I am beyond excited to walk away with such a nice report for him. The only thing that brought his gross motor number down was his refusal to walk. He is perfectly content to stand, sit, crawl, or ride his little bike. But walk? He just isn't into that. He is nothing if not stubborn, that's for sure. (I do believe he inherited that from his father.)

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So, all in all, the day went as well as could be expected. If you would kindly say a few prayers or whatever it is you do, for Sh.awn while we work on the motor skills he needs to master, I would greatly appreciate it. I would just love for Sh.awn to flip the neurologist the bird (with his right hand of course) as he walks into his office next time.

Hey, you gotta dream big, right? :-)

It Will All Be Okay...

Tomorrow is a visit with the neurologist. I'm trying to give myself a pep talk on how it will all be okay. I have to say that I am not convincing myself.

Why do I pay so much money to these people who constantly make me feel depressed? Have I got this sadistic need to be degraded? Am I some sort of masochist?

I must be...I keep going back. My fantasy is to totally blow off all of the medical world. Sigh. Of course I wouldn't, but it sure is a nice dream--it would be even nicer not to need them.

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I am now in my "fertile" period. Whether or not I am actually fertile is another story, though. If I am, I typically O sometime in the day 10-14 range. Saturday was day 10, and let's just say that I really connected with my husband. :-) Got to work today to hear that a coworker I am particularly close to told me she had a dream about me Saturday night. I was pregnant with a girl. Freaky, right? Especially when she doesn't know we are trying for another.

I got my RE referral in the mail on Friday. I haven't called to set up an appointment yet. I still can't quite figure out why I am dragging my feet about the one thing I know has to happen to get me pregnant.

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There was a board meeting tonight. I went. I picketed. (yes me! Now I'm an activist! Got honked at, too!) I watched them approve the 44 teacher reduction in force initiative anyway. (I am not sure if that is the right term there, but it's getting late and I don't feel like trying to figure out what it's called.) I listened to the board tell us that if everyone took a 10 percent pay reduction, they wouldn't "have" to lay anyone off. I walked away pissed yet again. Gotta love my district and their lack of ability to think outside of the box.

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I did mention the neurologist, right? It will be okay tomorrow. It will be okay tomorrow. It will be okay tomorrow.

Sigh.

A Meme and Some Interviews

I saw this Meme on Cheryl's blog Dreams really Do come true... and thought it looked fun. Plus, it comes in handy to do these memes when your brain has become a big pile of mush, as mine is now.

Step 1: respond and rework — a) answer the questions on your own blog, b) replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, and c) add one more question of your own. Step 2: tag four other un-tagged people

1) What are you wearing right now? sweat pants, t-shirt, and a sweatshirt

2) What is your biggest fear? Losing a family member

3) Do you nap a lot? Not very often although I love sleep

4) Who is the last person you hugged? Is.aac

5) What websites to you visit when you go online? I always visit the blogs on my blog roll and MSN

6) What was the last item you bought? some t-shirts from Tar.get for myself -- that never happens!

7) What is one thing you couldn't live without? Outside of my family, I'd have to say chocolate! Yum!

8) If you woke up tomorrow and were a boy, what is the first thing you would do and why? I think I would see what's so great about the penis. Even the boys, as young as they are, are already giggling during diaper changes. That can't really be what they think with all the time, can it?

9) Has a celebrity’s hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? Sure. I had the Aniston when that was popular. It wasn't so great on me.

10) What is your most embarrassing moment? I was cheering at an away basketball game in 10th grade. Half time had just started and the floors were getting wiped down while we were getting ready to go perform. The boy cutest boy in school was in the stands, and I was nervous as heck to go out there in front of him. I sucked it up and headed out anyway--the show had to go on, right? About four seconds into the routine, I slipped on a wet spot landing on my butt. And bounced. Twice. I nearly died when the crowd erupted into hysterical laughing, including the dreamboat. Believe it or not, I actually got up and finished the routine with the rest of the cheerleaders!

11) What was the last movie you watched? Grease just a little bit ago

12) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions what would you do? Probably spend time with my family

13)What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Subway because of the tuna sandwich and the M&M cookies.

14) What is one thing you look for in a friend? I always look for a sense of humor. Mine is somewhat quirky, so whoever I befriend has to be able to get that!

I tag Eden, Maya, Karen, Neenie, Kim, and everyone else who wants to play!

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Here are a few of the Interview With Me! participants who signed up for questions from yours truly. Pop over to these blogs and read their great answers!

Kristin

Crystal

Carrie

Julie (her blog is password protected, but she is sharing her interview with everyone anyway!)

Questions:

1. With two kids, I know how crazy things can get. Plus, I think it has to be harder caring for kids who are different ages! Could you shed a little light on what a typical day for you looks like?
Technically I have 3 children - ok not just technically - but in reality I have 3 and a husband that acts like a child some days - but I guess he doesn't count. So you say you only really hear / know about the 2 little ones - my 8 month old (wow - already) and my 3 yr old -- well I also have a child who is 22. OK kids different ages - typical day ---- hm...Nicholas is thankfully pretty portable at the moment - and also fairly tolerant of the fact that his 3 yr old sister has a schedule worthy of a teenager. Monday for example: she gets up at the crack of dawn - no amount of convincing that sleep is good - or attempts to bribe get that to be any later. thankfully she likes to shadow daddy getting ready for work - so I get to hang out in bed - Nicholas will wake around 745 or 8am and want to get out of his crib. He does, we play for a little bit and then Nicholas and I have breakfast - Kay has her morning snack. We head off to dance class where Nicholas gets to nap - and then to sibling playgroup. That encompasses lunch and we are back home to nap - although they have been staggering their nap times - we are working on some sort of synchronization on that - call it a work in progress. After nap we get up and have story time and then some sort of craft or work book activity for Kayla and Nicholas jumps in his jumperoo or plays in his walker - whoever invented those items was a GOD! Then it's time to prepare dinner - OK who am i kidding - it's time to pick the restaurant for dinner or take out and daddy comes home. We eat - dad and I flip for who does dishes and who entertains and bathes the kiddos - I usually lose and end up doing both! They are in bed by 815- 830 after a story or 5 and I fall into a heap in front of my computer so I can read all about my cyber friends lives!

2. What is your least favorite household chore? Have you figured out a way to get out of doing whatever it is? (I'm looking for ideas for myself. )
I have to agree with you cleaning the man bathroom is NOT fun...... ewwww.

3. Parenting is a lot of fun, but it isn't without its stress. What is your favorite thing to do to help you unwind after a stressful day?
Oddly - the computer. I like to see what everyone is up to, check on the upcoming events in my community, and the weather to see if we can visit the park the upcoming day.

4. What would a perfect day look like for you?
Cliche as it may sound. spending time with my children. Of course sleeping in would be the best start to any day - but it's rare - so seeing my children laugh be it inside our home playing games or jumping and dancing around, or swinging at the park. I love the sounds of their laughter and to see their silly grins!

5. What do you think your greatest strength is? Why?
My greatest strength can also sometimes be my biggest downfall. I am a do it till its complete kinda girl === doesn't matter what it is. I will keep at it till it is finished or I have exhausted everything I can to try to finish it. But it almost always gets completed, no matter what the task - or how long I have to keep at it.

There are a few more interviews to come, but I wanted to get these out to you now.

And Neenie, I totally suck because I still haven't gotten the questions to you! I am so sorry. I publicly acknowledge my suckitude to everyone who reads my blog. I swear they are coming soon! Then I'll dedicate a post just to you! :)

More Lemonade, Please

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I have really needed it. It is disheartening to see how needy I've allowed myself to become lately. Needy and angry--which of course are two emotions that don't really mix very well, especially around the old homestead. Bleh. We've all been suffering because I'm not able to get my shit together. So it is once again time to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with things. I wallowed in it for a bit. Now I need to stop and make another few gallons of lemonade.


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As a little aside, Sh.awn had a great day in therapy today. (with a different therapist) He was working his tilting reflex like crazy on both sides. Plus, he's much better than his brother at putting the shapes into the stupid containers. There he goes again, always doing something to bring on some hope when I am feeling down. I love him so, I could cry just thinking about how much.


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Ja.son had another head growth/helmet check yesterday. He had the usual 1/8 inch growth in width. Only three more 1/8ths to go until I can chuck that sucker out the window. That puts us to May by my calculations (and I have been eerily accurate so far). We can do this until May. We can do this until May. We can do this until May... I can't wait to have a coming out party for Ja.son's round head. We are SO going to celebrate!


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Speaking of celebrate, our little Swim is 1! Happy Birthday, Swim!

I was so excited to see the therapists yesterday, only to have my excitement somewhat dashed when they weren't as thrilled about Sh.awn's achievement as I am. Sure they said it was great, but then it the talk went to all the things he isn't doing yet. Sigh. He should be sitting better. He still doesn't use his right side for any kind of tipping reflex. He still has some fine motor control issues with both hands. She just kept ticking all of the deficiencies. Double sigh. Seems like he'll never get there--wherever there is.

Did I mention that one of the therapists is 6 months pregnant? Um, it isn't like it bugs me or anything. Right.

Talk then moved on to Ja.son. The therapist brought up the 18 month evaluation they'll be having and wanted to know if Ja.son could do any of the skills he'd be evaluated on (in April). Keep in mind that Sh.awn will also be evaluated on these skills, too. So let's see...

• stacking blocks (2 blocks high) -nope
• drawing on paper with a pencil - I haven't checked, but I'll guess nope
• putting a shape into a container (circle into the circle hole) - nope
• pointing at objects in a book - yes as long as the object is a baby. animals not so much.
• pulling objects apart and putting them back together again - nope
• walking - nope

We're basically screwed. Yes, I know that they'll be adjusted to 15 months at this 18 month eval, but still. We're screwed.

And to be fair, she wasn't trying to be cruel while we were talking. It was a very matter of fact conversation. But I just felt my heart sink with every word.

So of course I go to Tar.get to spend a boatload of money on developmental shit that will hopefully help the boys meet these stupid goals.

Pity party coming--It just makes me so sad that the boys are continually being evaluated and worked on and are not just able to develop without this constant nit picking. Do other kids have to go through this crap or is it just lucky us? It's getting old to have to hurry home to get to therapy twice a week. It hurts that my little family just can't be. No, we get followed and reminded of how we don't measure up all the time. We're trying our best, but it is never quite enough.

I wish they would just all go away and leave us alone.

Must be time for me to go to bed now. I'll try to be more upbeat tomorrow.

An Award and Stuff!

My little Sh.awn Bon has become a crawling fool. He has decided that damn it, if he wants something, it isn't going to come to him so he better get a move on it and get it himself. (insert a huge contented smile) I am somewhat excited to see the therapist tomorrow so I can have him crawl for her. It is making the upcoming neurologist visit a bit less scary, too.

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I only have one piece of chocolate left from my one pound box. Actually, I have only had that one piece left since yesterday, but I couldn't eat the last piece because that would make me a pig to eat the whole pound in a day and a half. I figure if it takes me a while to eat that last piece, then I can say that it took me a week to eat the chocolate. My mind is warped, right?

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I took 50 kids on a field trip to a museum today. It should have been a fairly stress free day as I was not the teacher in charge of the trip, I was just going as a chaperone. Warning bells started to go off in my head last night when one of the other chaperones called to say she'd not be able to go. Then this morning, when the teacher in charge called me to say she'd not be able to go on the trip, my head started to hurt. So, my stress free day evaporated and turned into a whole lot of work. Such is life I suppose.

The day ended up being more "back up", "don't touch that", and "good grief get off of the chair-you don't need to sit again!" than I'd care to admit. 7th and 8th graders can be a hard headed lot. I occasionally threw in a "no it isn't time for lunch" to shake things up a bit. Sigh. I did hear some talk on the bus ride home about some favorite pieces. We'll see tomorrow what the real feedback is. All in all, I think the kids enjoyed themselves.

Me? Not so much! Well, maybe a little. :-)

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Have you heard of the state of Calif.ornia's budget? It is causing all kinds of tension in the educational world. It doesn't matter how you look at it, most school districts will be in trouble financially. Per pupil spending in Calif.ornia will soon be ranked 50 out of 50 states. Wonderful.

I am confident (knock on wood) that I will have nothing to worry about as far as keeping my position within the district. But, we'll be cutting 28 teaching positions, which in turn means bigger class sizes for everyone. Plus, there may be the possibility that I will be involuntarily transferred to a different grade because my credentialing has some flexibility to it (I have more than one). I don't really want to move grade levels or schools, though. I am not stressing about it yet, but it is back there in the recesses of my mind.

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I got an award! Me, little ole me! Thanks to Kristin, from Dragondreamer's Lair, for this wonderful ...

Lemonade Stand Award!

You all know the saying: When life hands you lemons, make lemonade! And really, isn't that the only thing we can do in life?

Or sometimes, you just need a little break from things; and there is nothing quite like the refreshment a bit of lemonade can bring on those hard days.

This award is for the people who either have made their own lemonade or who have refreshed the blogosphere in some way! (My guess is that Kristin gave me this award because I made gallons of lemonade with all the lemons I was given this last year, although she didn't say.)

Now, I get to pass the award on to you!

Here are the rules for The Lemonade Stand Award:

1. You must link back to the person from who you received the award, and

2. You have to nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award!

I pass this award on to Eden, Cathy, Karen, Neenie, Louise, Jess, Maya, Geohde, Crystal, Mijke, Becky (if you haven't stopped by Becky's blog, she could use some loving while she deals with a serious health issue in her newborn), Julie, Coco, Shannon, and Kerry Lynn. I know, I can't count!

Our Valentine's Day

Let me first start with a belated Happy Valentine's Day to all of you out there in blog land. I do hope that your day was enjoyable however you chose to spend it!

For the first time in months, Is.aac and I went out on a date. It came about suddenly, and rather than talking ourselves out of why we shouldn't, he got on the phone and called his brother and sister-in-law to see if they would come over to watch the boys. And just like that, the night was set into motion.

Did we have any idea of where we could go on such short notice on Valentine's day? Of course not.

Did we let that stop us? Of course not. (although, if I had thought about it too long, it probably would have. good thing I didn't think and just went with it!)

So, I finally stepped into the shower for what seemed like the first time in days and straightened my hair. (what? personal hygiene is sadly one of the first things to go when you're dealing with twins. I pretty pleased with myself when I get to brush my hair on some days.) I even pulled out the make-up and tried to apply it the way it shows on the packaging. Humph. Whether or not I achieved my goal is still up in the air, but Is.aac commented on my eye lashes several times during the night, so I must have done something right. I got dressed in my finest duds and we were just about ready to go when I spilled sweet potato down the front of my pants. I had almost made it...I was so close to making it out of the house just as clean as when I put on my clothes, but no.

We were not deterred. I changed from my finest duds into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

And then Is.aac fell while trying to step over the baby gate. When he was holding Sh.awn in his arms. They hit the floor hard. How he managed to protect Sh.awn, I still don't know, especially because Sh.awn's head rested only about an inch from the external corner of the wall. The whole thing scared the shit out of all of us.

Once we knew that both of them were okay, we contemplated staying home and again probably would have except the sitters finally arrived. They basically kicked us out of our own home!

But I am glad we went. We needed time to reconnect and be a couple and I had a really good time!

We ended up going to the Cheese.cake Fac.tory. We walked around the mall while we waited for a table. We made teddy bears for the boys at Build.A.Bear. We made wishes and kissed the tiny little heart in each bear. We recorded our voices saying I love you with each boy's name for the bears' left hands. (It is the funniest thing to see the boys' faces when they hear the recording. They can't quite figure out how we're saying something to them through the bears.) We went to See's Candy and picked out a pound of chocolates. We walked around and talked and held hands like we were in high school again. Then we ate a super yummy meal. It was so nice!

I so needed to do something like that--spend some time on us.

Ahhh...makes me happy just thinking about it. :-)

Nights like last night take some of the sting out of days like today when your child bites you for the second time in roughly the same place. (I am hoping this isn't becoming a Sunday ritual.) I guess we can't spend all the time floating on a cloud, now can we?

There was one huge highlight, though. I'll let the video speak for itself. I am so proud of my little man.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I can't tell you how big this was to me. All is right in my world now--bite and all. (and yes, now that I look at it, what a mean mommy I am. I make him work so hard to get to that remote and then take it away again. I swear they must think I am some sort of drill sergeant!)

Lastly, here are the obligatory pictures of the boys, sort of a then and now time lapse.

Then

Sh.awn and Ja.son

and

Now

Ja.son and Sh.awn

I wanted to check in and say that I made it through my work week. It was, however, more stressful than I had actually thought. I've been wiped out since the moment I stepped off campus. I guess now that my body knows it can relax some, it is doing just that--whether I like it or not! I even canceled the boys' physical therapy today, which I haven't ever done, and stayed off the computer last night and much of today. I just needed to be without having to deal with anything or anyone. (I certainly didn't want to have to clean my house for the therapist either.)

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I got a basic blog design package from Pink Armchair Designs as a Valentine's gift from Is.aac. Isn't that the coolest? I already sent in my order sheet and got a response that said it should take about 10 days before she gets to my order. I am totally excited about a change.

I am still undecided about what to do with the name, though. Keep any ideas you may have coming. If I don't think of anything good by the time she contacts me, I'll just go with the Heeeeere Storkey, Storkey! name.

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I am miserably behind on blog reading, but I did start to send out interview questions for those of you interested. I was so excited to have 8 victims, er, um volunteers. I sent out most of the questions, but I have 3 people left (Neenie, Crystal, and Carrie). I'll get their questions out tomorrow. Once everyone answers their questions, I plan to link to them so you can see what they say. :-) I can't wait!

Today was...a day.

At school it was...emotional. Normal. But not in so many ways. One more day until a four day weekend and a chance to regroup. We need that so very much. I need that so very much.

Today was also my OB visit. To commemorate the day, I started my period. Thankfully, the witch held off until just as I was leaving the office. Oh did she come, though. Anyway, there was talk about ttc, me being high risk next time (yep with possible cerclage right off the bat), new perinatologists (I'll have to travel an hour instead of 45 minutes, but I won't be seeing doctor doom anymore), and my tubes. He doesn't really think that there will be a problem with my tubes, (They were clear with my HSG three hundred years ago, surely they're clear now. Ha.) so keep on trying the old fashioned way. It happens more than you think...yada, yada, yada.

But, um. I have been trying. For too damn long. What do I have for my efforts? That's right! Big fat NADA. So, he gave me a referral to my RE to get started with treatments again.

And I thought that was what I wanted. Oh, how I wish it made me happy to get that referral.

But it didn't. It's just another reminder that my stupid body doesn't do things it should. I'll have to spend more money that we really should be saving at a time when things are up in the air. God, I just wanted to be "normal." This is one more confirmation that I am not.

I had tears in my eyes by the time I made it to my car.

Infertility sucks.

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Did you happen to see my other blog? The little shit (said with love) bit me! Hard.

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I'm working on interview questions for those of you interested. If you left your email, I won't be posting your comment. I just wanted you to know that so it didn't look like I was ignoring you or anything. :-) Anyone else wanting to be interviewed?

And so begins the countdown to the anniversary. Counselors will be available tomorrow and Thursday for anyone who feels the need to talk about the emotions that the approaching date is stirring. We've been told that we will have subs available if there is a need to step out of our classes to compose ourselves. People are having trouble sleeping and eating. The bright spot is that we are finally talking to each other about all of this. Can you believe that we haven't really done that until now?


We haven't planned any sort of memorial or moment of silence for that day. It seems that anything we do will stress the staff (who at this point are really the only ones still actively connected to that day's event. the students involved are all off to high school with an exception of a few students who were seventh graders last year), so the new principal wanted to error on being too conservative. I do believe the powers that be may be starting to rethink that decision now though, as it seems we are the only school to not observe the day somehow. Who knows what that will mean. I'm starting to believe that it wouldn't matter what we did anyway, it would still end up being wrong to everyone else.


I dread the media that will surely be around. Please let it rain buckets that day. Maybe that will discourage the vultures.


There are a few people I am very worried about at school. They're already exhausted, and the worst of all of this is still to come. Some of the people who were directly involved with the event are starting to crumble. Yet they still want to be at school this week. The feeling is that we want to be together--we really are a family there. Did you know that in all other schools where something like this has happened, 55% of the staff had left the school within the first year? No one has left my school except one, and she's on disability. My staff is amazing.


I am concerned about the kids that have moved on to the high school as well. Nothing is planned to help them this week, but they were told that they can't come back to our school either (by the district office). They are the forgotten ones in this whole tragedy. They've lived through something that no one should ever have to experience. They will live with that day for the rest of their lives. They need support, too, probably more than anyone else. I pray that someone wakes up and sees that.


But through all of this I feel somewhat disconnected. I lived it...but didn't. I am connected...but not. One was my student. I liked him, worked with him a lot; and he really was a nice young man. But I wasn't there to see...would I have noticed a change? Would the other student still be alive? The what ifs that had been neatly tucked away are swimming through my mind again. It just makes me so, so sad.

I want so badly to help the people I love who are hurting, but that in itself is...so overwhelming.

Two days. We can make it through two days. Right?

Interview With Me!

My bloggy buddy Jess has challenged me to an interview! She sent me five questions which I have to fully answer. Oh- and here’s the fun part:

If you would like me to interview you just leave a comment and I will email you the questions! Here are the directions (don't forget your email!!):

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here is what Jess wanted to know.........

1. You seem really brave about the whole adding-another-baby thing...how do you keep from screaming "OH MY GOSH WHAT IF WE DO GET PG?" in your head ALONG with the obvious "what if we don't?" I mean, obviously, you want another, but I'm still scared out of my gourd to start and you have your plate fuller than we do!

Whenever someone describes me as brave, I always tell people I am a duck. That leads to the "what are you talking about" questions, so I tell them--a duck looks so serene floating on the water. But, under that peaceful facade, the duck is flapping his feet and legs like crazy, just trying to stay afloat. I am that duck.

I may seem brave when I talk about my desire to add to my family, but really I am a nervous wreck. If I do get pregnant, I know I'll probably be incredibly worried. I admitted before that I haven't even really had a chance to talk with my OB about what a pregnancy would mean this time around. Will a pregnancy bring with it bed rest and an incompetent cervix? Will it mean blood thinners daily? I just don't know. I do know I'll worry about whether my body will be capable of carrying a baby to term, especially as I near the fateful 20 week mark, which is when it all went to hell with the boys. I would hate to cause another child to suffer from prematurity. I often struggle with the idea that even wanting another child when prematurity is a possibility is selfish on my part.

Having said that, I am not so worried about my ability to love and raise another child, even with all of the things that are going on with my family. (that speaks volumes about my naivete) When there are no medical dramas to work through, we are really quite content. Plus, I don't really like to toot my own horn, but I think we are doing a damn good job at this parenting thing, too!

2. What's your favorite thing about teaching? What's your least favorite?

I have quite a few favorite things about teaching. I really do love planning a lesson and delivering it to the students. I like researching new topics, strategizing different ways to get my lesson across, and actually presenting my lesson to the kids. I love it when the light of understanding shows on my students' faces when I have reached them. Lastly, believe it or not, I like it when it is clear that I failed to get through to the kids. I am not sure I can fully explain this, but I like that I sometimes fail at teaching because it makes me try that much harder to get it right for the next lesson.

My least favorite things about teaching is grading and working with some of my parents. I am always behind on grades. Always. I no longer even measure what needs to be grades as number of assignments. Now I refer to what I have to grade in inches, as in "Shit. I have eight inches of papers to grade. How the fuck did that happen?" Working with parents is a bit trickier. Often, my students' parents are supportive, but the non supportive parents are starting to make up ground. I absolutely detest the parents who tell me that they have given up on their seventh grade kids--something I am starting to hear more often than not. Sigh.

3. What's your least favorite household chore?

My least favorite chore is cleaning my husband's bathroom. Let me just say that his bathroom is the grossest thing ever. Ever. Ugh. *shudder* It isn't even that he is an exceptionally dirty person. (tmi alert) It's just that I gag at the thought of cleaning up all of his, ahem, hair from everywhere. And let me tell you he should be absolutely bald by now.

Sadly, I made the mistake of assigning him the front bathroom, while I took the bathroom off of our master bedroom. (separate bathrooms is one of the saviors of our marriage) The problem with him using the front bathroom is that our guests use that bathroom, too. I have set myself up to having to constantly clean the place I dread most. If only I could go back in time...

4. Is being a parent what you expected? How is it the same or different?

This is an incredibly hard question for me. I am not sure exactly what I expected parenting would be like. Getting pregnant and actually having a baby seemed like an unattainable dream to me, even when I was pregnant with the boys. When someone would talk excitedly about my pregnancy with the boys, I always ended the conversation with "if all goes well." Then they were born, they were sick, and it became "if they come home."

I can say that I did not expect to have children who face the possibility of lifelong disability. I did not expect to have to live most of their first year in various hospitals. I did not expect brain bleeds or hydrocephalus, or shunts. I feel cheated that my precious babies became part of that measly four percent of 28 weekers to develop these complications. But we did. Times two.

I suppose the way I see it is that this is the life I was given. It may not be fair and it may not be easy. But it is my life. I can really think of no other way for it to be, because really, we have no other experiences to draw from.

In all reality, my parenting experience as a whole is not that much different than anyone else's. I have to figure out how to make my children be the best that they can be just like everyone else. I have to figure out what to feed two picky little boys, but I know that many other families have to worry about that, too. I have to get my kids to bed (toot, toot, to sleep the the ENTIRE night) just like others. See? The same.

Sure, it would be wonderful if we didn't have to worry about the things we have to worry about, but I do enjoy being a parent to my beautiful boys.

5. What's the most important thing that IF or parenting has taught you?

Both my experience with infertility and parenting have taught (or are teaching) me one major lesson--that I am not in control.

For years I had lived my life under the ruse that everything I wanted out of life was attainable if I worked hard enough. I controlled my own destiny.

I wanted to become a teacher. Bam, go to school and there you go.

I wanted to get married. Bam, tell your boyfriend you wanted to get married, break up, go to counseling, and there you go. (It wasn't pretty, but it all worked out.)

I wanted to start a family...where was the Bam? Throw out the pill and have sex...um, hello? Bam? Go to the doctor...You who...Bam?

Get pregnant and have babies...Bam. They're in the NICU. Bam. They are sick. Bam. Hospital. Bam. My dad died. Bam. Bam. Bam.

My illusion of control slipped through my fingers.

I so wished I was in control. I begged, pleaded, and tried bargaining for control. There were times when I might have sold my soul for control.

But control is not something I have.

I am still learning how to deal with this realization.

Maybe this place needs a new name? I mean, I still want that stork to get his/her ass here for a visit (as often as he/she wants), but the name just doesn't seem right somehow. Any thoughts?

Quiet on the Home Front

Both boys are asleep. Aside from a small little mishap which left a crying Ja.son and a pair of really wonky glasses, things are quiet on the home front--just the way I like them. (don't ask me how he managed to mangle his glasses while he had his helmet on, but he did)

Sh.awn was pretty much back to his old self as of Thursday night. I haven't needed to give him any pain medication at all. He either has an incredible tolerance for pain, or it just doesn't feel as bad as it looks. He's black and blue at each IV location and pretty dang swollen in his groin, but all in all, he's okay. Whew. I am very relieved it is all over.

Did I mention that I told all my classes about Sh.awn's surgery? I told them I was going to be out on Thursday and that I'd be at the hospital for my son's surgery. They wanted to know what he needed surgery for, so I got pretty detailed in my explanation. Watching their faces as I explained was hilarious. Anyway, I let them know that my expectation was that they behave because my son deserved all of my attention and I didn't need to be worried about what they were doing at school. They must have listened because apparently they were awesome for the sub, which is a huge relief. When I got back on Friday, they all wanted to know how Sh.awn was feeling and said such cute things about how tough he was. They even made him a get well card! I was floored. I have to hang it on the wall above Sh.awn's crib. I really have a great group of kids this year!

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I think I may be trying to get yet another cold. I have been majorly tired and I just feel crappy. I hope it passes quickly.

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Man I love nap time.

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There is a show on tv right now that is stressing me out. It is called 6. o.n the Ro.ad. Anyone see it before? It's about this family of 6 who are traveling around the states in a trailer that is 300 square feet. There is no way I'd be able to do that. I think I have officially declared myself a city girl. Hm. Maybe I should say suburb girl. I think I need to change the channel!

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I think I need to spruce up the blog space a little. Does anyone have any good ideas of how I go about doing that? I'd love some ideas.

Hydrocele Operation -- Aka More Hospital Fun

What a day this has been. I am exhausted, which is totally unfair! Everyone else has been sleeping on and off all day long, but yours truly has not had a nap all day. It seems every time I close my eyes, someone calls, Sh.awn wakes up (from what I am guess is a bad dream from the startled look on his face when his eyes open), the cat decides that she must lay on me at that exact moment, or something else equally annoying happens (not that Sh.awn waking is annoying).

So how did today go you ask? Well. Like I said before, things around us are never boring. I mean, boring would be too easy, right? We must attract drama or something. I swear it follows us everywhere!

The day started at the crack of dawn. First of all, I am not, by any means, a morning person. I never have been, and I KNOW I never will be. I even managed to get the boys trained to sleep in until 9 ish on most mornings! So, anyway, I pull my cranky self out of bed this morning while it was still dark outside. (OMG. I hadn't realized that it would be so dark at 5 in the morning. Good Lord, people, why does anyone get up at that time in the morning?!!? Jeez, and with the number of people on the road, it seems to be a common occurrence!) This was of course, after a fitful night of sleep, so I was even crankier than I would have been had I not been worried. We got ourselves up, dressed, fed, and out of the house in time to make it to the hospital by our 6 o'clock appointment time.

We are such stupid fools.

Because you know that no one was ready for us at 6 am. That would be too easy. Instead we admitted Sh.awn and sat in the waiting room. Waiting. And waiting. Until we we're finally called back into the pre-op room at 7:15.

Waiting with a toddler is never fun. Waiting with a hungry toddler is even less fun. Waiting with a hungry toddler in a germ infested hospital with people hacking up lungs not more than five seats away from us was awful. (I swear I am going to lose it if Sh.awn gets sick from the wait.)

So we were escorted up to pre-op. They re asked the same questions Is.aac had answered earlier this week. They checked Sh.awn's vitals and hooked him up to the machines. And guess what happened next?

We waited some more!

At 7:50, the doctor finally came in to talk to us and ask if we had any questions. Um, no.

Then the anesthesiologist came in to speak to us. He asked if we've been through this before and got a brief history of how Sh.awn dealt with the anesthesia. I asked specifically about IVs and venting. I was told that they would anesthetize Sh.awn with the facial mask BEFORE they placed his IV. I let them know that Sh.awn's veins are shot, and that they needed to place his IV on his right side, where he has had fewer IVs and therefore has better veins. Oh, yes, yes I was assured. The operation was to last about 35 minutes.

At 8:12, they came to take Sh.awn to the operating room. We were sent to a small waiting room just outside of the main wing and next to the elevator. It was big enough for 4 chairs.

Is.aac and I were nervously talking when the alarms first started. Then I kid you not, a nurse came over to the waiting area we were in, told us that they were having a fire alarm, closed the doors to the hospital wing, and left us locked in the waiting room!

With no way out except for the elevator which was clearly labeled to not use during a fire alarm!

While our baby was in the operating room--vented and cut open!

Just as we were nearly in a panic (well, just as we were assessing how we could break the glass window behind us so we could get out), another nurse came and opened the door to the waiting area. Apparently they were testing the alarm system and there was no danger.

That probably would have been nicer to know about three minutes earlier. It is a good thing we didn't actually follow through with the escape plan!

The alarms, though, continued to ring every three minutes the entire time we were there. The. Entire. Time.

Sigh.

Meanwhile, my poor little Sh.awn Bon was being tortured. When I finally went to recovery to see him after it was all over, I was not pleased to see his IV in his neck. The recovery nurse said that Sh.awn had difficult veins. Um, when I checked him, though, he had only one IV attempt on his right side. He had EIGHT IV ATTEMPTS ON HIS LEFT SIDE. They tried 9 times to place an IV in my poor little guy. I definitely let them know my frustration with that. Oh yes I did. Especially when she said that Sh.awn fought him during each attempt. That right there tells me they didn't anesthetize him first. Ug.

Why don't they listen? It isn't like I know anything right? I am only his freaking mother.

Sigh.

The IV issue is my only complaint (albeit a HUGE one). Well, that and being locked in the waiting room during the fire alarm.

The rest of the surgery went well. The surgery itself took about an hour and 15 minutes because of the IV fiasco. He stayed in recovery long enough to wake up and hold some sugar water down. We left the hospital by around 10:00.

Now, he's swollen and has an inch long incision. It looks as good as having you groin cut and prodded could look. They said he'd be black and blue for a bit, too. They want us to ice it as much as possible, but Sh.awn is having none of that.

He's had more milk so far today than he ever has and held down his solids. He doesn't seem to be in pain. He's smiling and playing when he's awake. Everything looks good so far.

So there you have it--another exciting hospital adventure.

Let's hope it was the last.

We're home.

Sh.awn was his awesome self.

He's groggy, but okay.

It was an experience--with fire alarms sounding and everything.

It's never boring with us.

More later.

Ja.son's at my mom's, probably getting tucked into bed right about now.

Sh.awn's already in his bed, where I'll soon be following.

The meds are waiting in the kitchen. Our diaper bag is packed with comfort items.

We're as ready as we are going to be.

5:30 is going to be here much too soon.

Wish us luck.

If you haven't yet, don't forget to look at the post below. It is Ja.son's Homecoming Day, and I don't want to forget celebrating this momentous anniversary!

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People. Your positive vibes and prayers are working! Keep 'em coming! No eye surgery for at least 6 months if at all. At that point, we'll reassess, but the doctor was satisfied with the boys' eyes so far. Woot! Now I am only left trying to ignore the word "patch" that was thrown out in the conversation.

Lalalalalalala...I am not listening to you about the possibility of a patch, doctor.

There is still the possibility of surgery in Ja.son's future, but I am glad that we are not going to be running back to the hospital any time soon if it does come to that.

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Pre-op went fine, if not a little ghetto. They asked Is.aac how much Sh.awn weighed, but of course Is.aac had no idea. (nearly 22 pounds for those keeping track) Anyway, they weighed Sh.awn by first having Is.aac step on the scale alone and then having him step on the scale with Sh.awn. Um. Okay. Good thing they aren't doing the surgery. I think I'd be VERY worried.

We are set for surgery on Thursday. The Tylenol with codeine prescription was dropped off to be picked up tomorrow. I have made arrangements with my mom to keep Ja.son Wednesday night. I am giving myself pep talks about how getting to the hospital at 5:30 in the freaking morning (after a 15-20 minute drive) is actually going to be doable. I have made sub plans. I even gave an impromptu talk on what hernia surgery entails to a few seventh grade students. (bet they won't ask me what something is ever again) Sh.awn is blissfully clueless about the fact that someone is going to be opening him up to play in his groin. Here's a weird thought. I wonder how much this will change the way his groin area looks? I haven't thought much about that one until now. Interesting how my mind is wandering lately.

Anyway...

I am ready. Well, as ready as I am going to be. Bring it on. We'll jump this f'in hurdle like we've jumped all the rest.

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Is.aac managed to survive the day with only calling me once. :-) I do have to say that his experience at the eye doctor was a whole lot easier than mine. There was no dilation of eyes or eye speculums. That right there says it all right there. Now I wonder why he needed to call me at all.

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Right now, I am either 7 or 8 days passed O. Keep your fingers crossed.

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Okay, don't forget to look at how much my little guy has grown in the post below!

Oh This Day In History...

...one year ago, our little team was finally complete. That's right, Ja.son came home from the hospital!

And you know what? There hasn't been a quiet time since! :-)

Ja.son, you are the go-getter, the boy always on the move. Your quick laughter and funny disposition (usually) always brightens my day. I am so happy that you are our son!

Happy Homecoming Day, Ja.son!

Humph.

I am seriously rethinking the idea that Is.aac would take Sh.awn to his pre-op appointment and both boys (with my mom's help) to the eye doctor tomorrow. I was foolish enough to think that I would have to go to work and actually make money. I have no clue as to what I was thinking. Temporary insanity?

So now, he is driving me up the freaking wall.

He has asked me three times already what he was supposed to find out tomorrow at both appointments. I think the only reason he isn't asking me the same questions right now is because I literally had to WRITE IT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER FOR HIM. He didn't write it, I had to. Because his arms were broke or something.

Then he had the nerve to snap at me over something stupid.

Oh, no he di-ent. (say that with a head shake and several snaps for full effect)

His excuse was that he was nervous about tomorrow.

Holy hell, Is.aac. What do you think my life has been like the last 15 months or so? I have taken the boys to pretty much all of their appointments by myself this entire time. Granted, he did come with me to the neurosurgeon's appointments, but that is pretty much it.

Okay. Just had a thought here. I have now decided that the real reason that he is acting this way is so he doesn't have to take the boys to any other appointments on his own.

Very clever, Is.aac, but it won't work! I'm not letting you off the hook this easily.

Humph.

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Speaking of tomorrow, can I get some positive thoughts for an eye appointment that doesn't end with the words "surgery is needed" for someone?

Can I also request loads of positive vibes for Thursday? I know this should be old hat for us now, but I am intensely nervous about Thursday for many reasons, most namely the stupid vent they'll put him on during his anesthesia. Our history with vents has just not been good. Plus we fall on the wrong side of the odds way too many times for me not to be worried.

Okay. While we're at it, can we just all pray that I got freaking knocked up this cycle? I just really think I need some more good things to happen in my life (besides my family), so why not start with pregnancy. No, really. If any of you have an inside connection with anything that could sway this outcome, please give it a go. For me. Cause you like me.

Hm. That was needy, wasn't it?

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Have I said how weird things are getting at school yet? Well they are. People are just...off. Ten more days until the anniversary is behind us. Maybe then things will get back to something a little more "normal." Whatever that means at least.

Oh, and my evaluation went well. I am off the hook for another formal eval for 5 years. Yay. (Okay. This is sad, but one of my kids killed a cockroach during my lesson for the evaluation. No kidding. Eww. Let's just say that I am now afraid to bring anything home from school. Then the custodians put out some sort of bug killer crap all along the perimeter of my room. Said they'd clean it up by the next day. It's still there. It's been since Thursday afternoon.)

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I suppose that's it. I guess I'll go watch Med.ium now.