12 Days

I've been struggling.

I know. That's a surprise, right?

I mean, I am totally zen on all of this pregnancy stuff and all. Ahem. Don't laugh.

I am worried to the point of being resistant to doing anything for the baby.

I am so freaked out that something might happen before this baby gets here. What if my body does something to him, too? (and here I thought I released all of that guilt over the boys) What if, what if...what if he dies before or during birth?

It can happen.

I know it can. With things going fairly well during this pregnancy, I just keep waiting for that thing, whatever it is, that is going to happen.

Because something always does.

I can't wrap my mind around the idea that something might not happen, even though that is something I so desperately want.

This desperation...this intense need for all to be okay for once has paved the way for an overwhelming fear of everything falling apart.

And that, my friends, takes me back to the fear of doing something for my little guy.

We can't even name him!

This morning I woke from a dream that the Pope laid his hand on me and told me everything is going to be okay. It was a funny dream, really, because I am not an overly religious person, and I am not even Catholic.

But when I opened my eyes, I told Is.aac about it and asked him what he thought.

I think it is all going to be okay, he said.

It was the Pope, after all. Whether you believe in the Catholic religion or not, the Pope has to carry some weight, right?

Oh, if it were just that easy!

I think I might have been reassured for a few minutes before the doubt crept back in. (Sometimes I wish I could just remove my brain for a while and get a break from all of these thoughts.)

Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks. Full term. I have 12 days until the section.

Please, please, please, let this little one make it here okay.

A Last Goodbye, More Surgery in Our Future, and A Name or Two

So long, farewell...

...to doctor Doom! I had my final appointment with him yesterday. I can't even begin to describe how freeing it is to know I don't have to go back there. (maybe ever? or maybe at least for a few months? um...we'll open that can of worms later.)

BabyLo looks good. He is all about the chunk at this point and looks quite cramped in there. His weight is measuring between 7 pounds 10 ounces to 7 pounds 14 ounces (she measured several times). The tech said she'd expect him to be somewhere between 8.5 and 9ish pounds if he stays put until my c-section.

Jeez. That makes me somewhat more relieved about the c-section. Having something that big come out of my vagina makes me want to squeeze my legs shut and never open them again. Lol.

There was no sign of the PACs on the u/s. Yay!

Kidney looked better and was smaller than it has been. Yay!

If you can believe it, my cervix still looked long and closed. Yay!

Whew. Maybe, just maybe this guy will be alright when he gets here. (oh, please!)

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Right after Doom, I had to go get Sh.awn for his opthamologist appointment. After all we've tried, it looks like Sh.awn is headed for strabismus surgery in the near future. We had thought that it was only his right eye turning in on occasion, but after the examination it was clear that both eyes turn in. The eye that turns in essentially shuts off so his vision doesn't blur when he looks at things, so it is important to get this fixed.

The good news is that his sight does not seem to be affected at this point. (He was so cute when the dr was covering his eyes and looking into them. The dr would hold up a cover to one eye so he could exam the other and Sh.awn would yell out, "It's dark in here, mommy! Turn on the lights!" Made me laugh so hard.)

I know what this surgery is like because we've already been through it with Ja.son. The worst part was recovering from the anesthesia. (Ja.son became a demon child!)

Not excited about this in the least.

I am so over surgeries, especially for little Sh.awn.

Blah. I don't even want to count what number of surgery this would make for us.

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Nothing decided on for names (actually not even close), but here are some contenders:

Ja.ckson
Ja.xson
Re.ese
Fe.stus (Is.aac has taken to calling him this. Over my dead body is all I have to say.)

Still a lot of negotiation in our future...

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I did add a 36 week photo to the BabyLo page in case you're curious.

Holy Shit. I Am in Panic Mode!

• 16 days. There will hopefully be a baby here in 16 days. One that will come home with me and not stay in the hospital for months on end (hopefully). What am I going to do with a baby straight from the hospital? OMG. What am I going to do?
• Cue panic.
• The cousin who had her baby on the 3rd, takes her baby home today. I am happy and excited for her. The irrational part of me is jealous of her, too. She already knows her baby is okay and is getting to take her baby home! Already! Me? I am still in a limbo land of hoping with all I've got that my baby makes it to the outside safe and sound.
• Don't get me wrong. I don't want to have him early. I need the 16 days I've got left to get to some sort of semblance of...preparation. But still. I hate living with this uncertainty. If I had him, I'd know one way or the other how this will all play out. Will he be mine, or won't he? Ugh!
• Um, I am now starting to freak about the upcoming c-section, too. The memories of the healing process have begun to break through the fog of my mind. Yikes.
• The thing that worries me most about the section, though, is the constipation I had for WEEKS afterward. Constipation and a c-section are not a good mix, let me just tell you that.
• What if I can't breastfeed again? I am almost afraid to even try. The disappointment will be hard to take. I am not even sure if I want to breastfeed. Do I want to, or do I feel like I have to? I just don't know...
• So I bought some formula just in case. But I don't have bottles yet. How is that for inconsistent?
• I decided that I have to bank this baby's cord blood. I would have banked the boys' cord blood, but I was in such a state of denial with them, I just didn't get a chance to do it before they came. I kick myself because of that. This time, I felt like it was a must. There is a 25% chance that this baby will match one or both of the boys, and while they are not using donor stem cells in this way yet, there have been studies done on stem cells and treating CP. I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't take this chance that it might help Sh.awn and/or Ja.son or BabyLo himself.
• Still no crib has been put up for the baby. I was going to do that today. Not feeling motivated yet...maybe I will in a bit. Maybe I won't. Sigh.
• I do have a mattress, though. I suppose if all else fails, I can just put the baby on the mattress on the floor. Lol. (kidding! mostly.)
• That is the story of my life lately. There is the urgency to get things done that is coupled with this complete and utter lack of motivation. WTF is wrong with me?

Clearly I am losing my mind.

36 Weeks and 1 Day

How far along: 36 weeks, 1 day

Total weight gain: 25 pounds.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: I am now to the point of having trouble sleeping. I am up several times a night and have trouble falling back asleep once I am done. 4:00 am seems to be the witching hour for me around here.

Best moment this week: There are three this week:

1) Getting the all clear about BabyLo's heart!

2)This was the week of the baby showers. My coworkers threw me one on Friday. Almost everyone on staff came! It made me feel a bit strange because while my staff is fairly close, most of the social kind of things are hit and miss. People that never come to events were there! Whoa.

3)Yesterday, my two sisters (very good friends) threw me a small, intimate shower for some of my closer friends. They brought food and gifts and it was so much fun.

I am truly blessed by the people in my life!

Belly button in or out?: Officially flat.

Cravings: Taco Bell taco supremes (weird because I don't like sour creme usually), chocolate donuts with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles, apples (again not a normal like), more chocolate, and instant breakfast.

Dr. appointments?: I had an OB appointment on Wednesday. All went well. We again discussed whether I need zo.loft this time. He is leaning that I won't, but he will give me the script if I truly want it. He did ask to see if someone will be with me to watch for signs if I don't take the script. (Is.aac is pretty set on me having that script ready to go just in case.) We also discussed the cerclage. I still have it. He would remove it, but he didn't think there is a need at this point. He suggested we leave it in until the c-section. Not sure how I feel about that right now either. I suppose I think on it and bring it back up at the next appointment this week.

I did the fetal cardiologist appointment, discussed here. The next Doom appointment (with the high risk doctor) is this week.

What I am looking forward to/celebrating:

• 17 days until my c-section.
• I am officially off of work until June as of Friday! Whoot! We are still planning on sending the boys to my mom's during the day so I can rest/do things.
• Getting a chance to set up the baby's room and finish (okay start) getting ready for the baby.
• Seeing how big this boy is at the Doom appointment this week.
• Watching Is.aac pour over the baby name book in a quest to come up with a name BEFORE the baby is born.
• Meeting this boy 17 days from now.

Holy shit!

***36 week picture to go up tomorrow.

Doctor Updates

3 more weeks.

Those were the first words out of my OB's mouth this afternoon. I just about fell off the table. Holy shit. 3 more weeks?! Good grief I am in some serious denial...

...too afraid to get excited.

What if something happens?

What if...

Ugh. As much as I try to stay away from that kind of worry, it is there looming in the dark recesses of my mind.

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We met with the fetal cardiologist today. The PAC's BabyLo is having, which were even harder to detect than they were last appointment, are completely benign. The structure of the heart is "beautiful." The only issue that she could not adequately check was the flow of blood in the arteries, which has to happen after birth. She specifically told me not to worry about this...but, there is a less than one percent chance that there is a narrowing of his arteries. (Something about new research indicating that what we saw before could indicate the narrowing after birth for a very small percentage of babies.) She was going to include something in her report to ensure that the pediatrician pays close(r) attention to heart rate and pulses when he/she does the infant check after birth and before discharge.

She doesn't think that the baby will have the narrowing, she just wants to make sure all is well. She said over and over again that this was just precaution. She said that if I was her sister, she'd want them to check the baby just to ensure that no issues had been missed, especially because she can't check for it via ultrasound now.

Sigh. Okay. I guess I can deal with that...because there is not going to be an issue with narrowing of his arteries. Right? Right?

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Last night we found ants in our kitchen, bathroom, and living room again. That totally pisses me off because they spray the outside of our freaking house every three months and have been for over eight years.

There should be no ants inside my house.

So, I called them up to make them come spray the inside of the house.

That shouldn't have been a problem.

Except that I began to have a little (or a lot of) intestinal issues this morning, most likely related to some serious nerves I had over our fetal cardiologist appointment.

Which led to some substantial time polluting the air quality in the bathroom.

Which led to a panic attack when the pest control guy called and said he was on his way because, dude, the house was now sporting a serious funk.

Which led to me frantically looking for some sort of air freshener. All I could find was some crazy orange citrus stuff.

Which then led to the thick scent of citrus wafting throughout the house.

Which did nothing to mask the distinct smell of my bathroom escapades.

OMG, I wanted to die when the guy showed up.

Sigh.

He did his thing and was wise enough to not comment on anything.

I vacated the premises for the 8 recommended hours. (more on that in a bit)

And of course I found a live ant on the wall of the kitchen when I came back.

Double sigh.

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So, as I explained, I had some tummy troubles today. The pest guy came just before noon. I was then essentially locked out of my house for hours.

On any other day, that wouldn't be a problem.

Today, however, I had two doctor appointments.

All I wanted to do was take a nice long shower...

but, no.

I did the best that I could to clean myself up, but this big old belly makes that tougher than you'd think.

It was just my luck when today the OB wanted to do his first internal and swab for strep B.

It figures.

OMG, I wanted to die.

He also did his thing and was wise enough to not comment.

But he did give me my note. My last day of work is officially Friday! Whoot!

Friday Night Leftovers - Saturday Edition

• I feel like time is slipping away from me, but I lack the motivation to do much about it. What is up with that?
• I have definitely decided this will be my last week of work. It is getting harder and harder to make it through the day without being completely wiped at the end of it. It is also really hard to keep up with my water during the work day as I just can't run off to the bathroom when the urge hits. That has led to a few nights of some dehydration contractions. Not fun.
• I'll ask for my letter on the 9th. That is the day of my fetal cardiologist appointment and an OB appointment. It is going to be a long day.
• The cousin I've been telling you about had her baby on Thursday. She was 5 pounds 7 ounces. She ultimately had to have an emergency c-section and is having a tough recovery. I don't have much info because she had lost a lot of blood and has been out of it, but I do know she had to have at least 2 pints of blood. I think the baby is doing well.
• We got news last night that Is.aac's brother and sil are adopting a baby in June. I am incredibly excited for them. They have done several ART procedures, including IVF, without a single bfp. On top of that, they've been married for 20 years this June and have never used birth control. They had reached the point of living with the fact that they'd likely never have a child of their own. This adoption just sort of fell into their laps and it seems like a perfect fit. :-) I so hope everything continues to go well and they really do get to have the baby they always wanted!
• I am feeling a bit off today--tired and blah. Ugh.
• "The Sick" is still hanging around. Is.aac finally succumbed to its power and now has the runny nose and cough. Sigh. At least he gets to take Nyquil. Won't be long until it makes its rounds again.
• Got our taxes back! Wooooowhooooo! It looks so pretty in our bank account...
  
• Here is a question for you. Do any of you have a blog designer you'd recommend. I like Pink Armchair Designs (who did this blog), but I am thinking of something different for the boys' blog, and what I am imagining doesn't exactly fit in with that designer's style. I am thinking I'd like it to continue with the whole sports/boys will be boys kind of theme that it has had all along. I want to change the name from 2 to 3 for te.am l.o.p.e.z. and maybe have some characteratures or cutsie figures of the boys and the baby (fingers crossed) with something boyish like trains or cars or...something. Ideas?

I Swear That Man Is Going to Make Me Crazy! (Updated with Picture Link)

Sigh.

I was feeling, dare I say, confident? not as worried? at least okay about today's appointment.

The good:

Gestation - 34 weeks, 3 days

We didn't check the cervix! Holy cow. I got to have a "simple" big girl ultrasound for once. Yeah for less goop! Now that I am at a "safe" gestation, they no longer need to check it. Hot dog!

BPP was 8 out of 8. Got to watch the baby practice breathing and sucking. Very cute.

Fluid was still in the normal range--slightly more than it was last time. I am glad because I...um...well, just say that I have to wear panty liners all the time now. Ahem. It is hard to be sure what you are oozing at this point, and the cerclage makes the discharge worse.

Weight was estimated at 6 pounds 5 ounces! The tech said to expect at least 2 pounds more by 36 weeks and at least a pound a week after that. Hm, now that I think about it, that just means he'll gain a pound a week. Whatever. Baby Lo is BIG.

The bad--okay, let's call it the "I wish it would go away":

Mild pyelectasis was still noted in the right kidney. There was slightly more fluid in the right kidney than there was last ultrasound. Still just watching it. I go back in two weeks to check on it again.

The ugly - This is still just ugly:

They still spotted premature atrial contractions (PACs) on today's u/s. They are not as pronounced as they were at the last u/s, but even subtle PACs are still PACs.

His heart rate was around 136 beats per minute. The irregularity did look different this week, so there is a possibility it is already trying to resolve. The problem is that it is still there, and they think it should be gone by now.

That has earned us a detailed u/s of his heart by the fetal cardiologist next week. The doctor only comes in on Wednesdays (ugh) so she is triple booked. I was told to expect to wait. (double ugh)

Doom again said that it would likely be fine. The tech did note that there was NO fluid around his heart and that the chambers and even the beat looked fine visually (the irregular beat just shows up when you listen to it), so that is good. The u/s next week is just to double check that all is well, he said. That is all well and good, but I still don't trust the man. His reassurances are not that comforting to me.

I am trying to remind myself that the information I've found online has said it will likely be fine. (For like 98% of babies it will be fine. It is that 1-2% that worries me. You know how we LOVE to meet a challenge. Sigh.)

I just wish that for once I didn't have to think about all of this medical crap and could just relax a bit.

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Here's answers some of your questions:

1. when is your last day teaching?? Shooting for March 12 (last day of trimester), but it won't bother me to go at any point now. I have an OB appointment on the 9th, so I'll ask for a note then.

2. can we please have an updated week 34 photo? Here it is. :-) Is it just me or is the baby on the low side?

3. do you have a delivery plan - will they induce at a certain point or just let you take out the cerc and see how it goes from there? They take the cerclage out at 36 weeks. I will have a c-section regardless. We strongly believe that I won't dilate from the scar tissue the cerclage creates. I'd rather not labor and then have to have a c-section anyway, so I am just heading straight to the section.

4. what are you going to name this child?? He still has no name. I do like Jackson, but there has been a consistent quiet response from the male unit of this partnership. My guess is that he isn't thrilled with the name, hence the non response. There hasn't been much talk about the names. Isn't that horrible?!

Got any others?