Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was my birthday. I hit the big 35. I don’t think that would be such a big thing to me normally, but when you are trying to conceive, it seems like the kiss of death. Now my eggs are officially “old.” I am now “advanced maternal age.” Isn’t that awful? Why is it that I am deemed “old” in one day? It sucks. It makes me mad. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy about this birthday.

I had my second ultrasound of the cycle yesterday. I had been on meds for a total of 2 and one half days. They found that I have 4 follicles in the 10mm range and maybe a few on each side in the smaller range. That is it. Where are all the follicles I expected to see? I made 9 follicles last cycle. Where are those 9 for this cycle? Now, I know that the number of follicles fluctuate from one cycle to another. Still, it hurts a little to see that the chances for success got just a little bit smaller. Is it that “advanced maternal age” thing?

My regular RE is out on vacation. My appointment was with one of the partner REs from the clinic. I do like him. He is very kind and gentle, and he goes over everything with me as if this was my first time through this IVF journey. He did the internal ultrasound (if you haven’t had one yet, I highly recommend it—yeah right!) and said something about me having a history of stimming fast. WTF? I haven’t heard that one before. He said it matter-of-factly, but still it raced through me. Is this why I haven’t been able to be successful in staying pregnant?

You might wonder why that bothers me so much. This is where a little bit of knowledge is a scary thing. I think the average range for stimulating follicle growth should take 9-12 days. The average growth of follicles is 1-2mm a day with a goal of each follicle reaching 18-25mms to be considered mature. If your follicles grow 2mms a day for 9 days, they will reach that 18mm stage right on track. Now, my follicles are already 3 days ahead of where they should be at this point. My follicles should only have been about 6mms yesterday instead of at 10mms. At this rate, I will be at 18mms on Sunday instead of on Tuesday (potential day 9 of stims). That will mean I stimmed for only 7 days. Stimming for less than 7 days in total affects the quality of the eggs. That could mean that the eggs wouldn’t fertilize, they might be fragmented and not divide correctly (and be poor quality), or they could just flat out expire. See why I am concerned? Sigh. None of this can be easy, can it?

At this point, I am trying to be positive and not kill myself with the “what ifs” that are readily available in my brain. It is hard, but I am trying. The one thing that gives me hope is a psychic prediction I got in March. (Don’t say it, I know, I know.) The psychic, Cheri, said that May would be my conceive month, find out month, or month of delivery. I am a believer in this psychic because she accurately predicted two other months for my pregnancies. She told me December first. I conceived and found out I was pregnant in December, but miscarried in January. Then she told me March. I found out I was pregnant in March, only to miscarry in March. Now she says May. I’ll find out if I am pregnant in May…Oh please, oh please, let me be pregnant in May! And, let this one be sticky!