Yesterday was their due date. It's a day that should really hold little meaning five years after the fact with the focus now on the day they were born.
And it is, of course.
But to me, their due date is significant. It's not a day we celebrate--the boys don't even know about its existence.
Their due date is when I allow myself to unwrap the tiny box filled with what if's held tight against my heart. Really, it's impossible to think of one without the other.
I think of how different things would be had I not had them so early.
I wonder.
I fantasize.
I dream.
I grieve, although this year I didn't cry. Maybe by now, I've cried my tears dry.
Then I neatly fold the thoughts back into their case for safekeeping.
~~~
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of the effects of that time. I wonder if I really want to let it go. As much as I hate what prematurity has meant for our family, it is part of what made us who we are.
Without all that they endured, they wouldn't be them. We wouldn't be us.
I wouldn't be me.
~~~
I didn't say anything yesterday. I didn't want to point it out in case he didn't remember.
I remembered and thought that was enough.
He brought it up while we were in bed last night. He talked about his love for them, his love for me.
It's comforting to know that he still thinks of that time. Makes me feel less broken to hear he struggles with it too from time to time.
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5 comments:
Am glad your hubby is with you on this. Also glad that you could share on this.
We did not end up with families the way we thought they would be like. We just live with what it is.
The boys - all three of them are loved. You are great parents.
P.S. I have been reading your blog though not commenting. I love your new hair.
You know, I'm not sure I ever realized before how close in age our boys were supposed to be .. my due date with them was 2 weeks ago.
It's hard not to wonder what if. And it's ok to do it, too, without feeling disloyal. I don't think you'll ever forget or not wonder .. but hopefully the pain is fading now, when you see your amazing boys and how far they've come.
Hugs..
Too true! I have three dates, my twins' due date, the scheduled C date, and they're actual birth date. I have never thought before why I remember the other dates, but I guess it's because of what those dates meant. The due date meaning we'd finally graduated to the OB, and the scheduled C date meaning that we had moved to the point where a delivery was actually going to happen :) Great post!
I think that's just something we preemie mamas do. A due date holds so much hope and emotion, it's impossible to let it go just because our impatient babes came bursting on to to the scene early. ;)
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